Welcome back to Teen Mom 2, where the uteri work overtime, but the show’s stars well…don’t.
When we last left off pregnant Chelsea and Jenelle were struggling to adjust lives to accommodate their unexpected bundles of joy, while Kail and Javi were trying to figure out a way be around each other without throwing Drake CDs, “Yeezys” and Starbucks cups at the each other’s heads. Leah, meanwhile, is preparing to go on vacation.
The episode kicks off in the good Ol’ WV, where Leah had been trying to get her and her girls to Mexico, but,–ding-dang it!–their passports aren’t going to be completed in time for the trip. Leah decides that she will instead take her kids to a family resort out in The Cal-i-fornia.
It is, of course, not yet known if Grandma Sandy will be traveling with Leah and the girls to California while riding atop of their rental car in a Barkalounger. It’s like the “Beverly Hillbillies” y’all!
Swimmin’ pools…movie stars…
Leah calls up Jeremy, who is thrilled to hear that his daughter won’t be taken to that heathen haven (otherwise known as Mexico).
Later that day, Leahs’ youngin are splashin’ ’round the swimmin’ hole. (Leah has all that MTV money so they done got one of them “above ground” swimmin’ holes like you see on The TV!) They girls did not have any adult supervision, though, so they get into trouble for swimming. (And, as Leah says, “MTV don’t count” as adult supervision!)
Soon there are wet youngin’s splashin’ and cryin’ everywhere.
Over in Delaware, Jo comes over to Kail’s place to talk about the verbal brawl that went down between her and Javi in front of Isaac. Jo tells Kail that Isaac was really upset about Kail and Javi’s fight, and Kail apologizes for having Isaac around all the havoc. Jo is being totally mature about the situation, and doesn’t even yell at Kail for her actions.
“We’re all adults,” he says. “We should all be acting like adults.”
You have to give it to Jo. He could have acted like a real dick here, but didn’t.
Jo tells Kail that Isaac was kind of traumatized by the fighting, and Kail feels really bad about upsetting the kids.
Meanwhile in South Dakota, it’s Aubree’s first day of first grade. Chelsea gets Aubree up and ready for school, pins a giant bow on her head, and shuttles her off to school.
Finally, we check in with Jenelle and her Lurch-esque soulmate David. They’re heading off to get a sonogram of their baby (but, of course, at this point Jenelle is “totally not pregnant” or anything). They still haven’t told anybody that Jenelle is knocked up, despite the fact that you can basically see The Spawn of Lurch jutting out from her midsection.
Jenelle, of course, is hoping for a girl this time around, since she’s already squeezed two boys from the waterslide ‘o’ illegitimate children that is her loins. Jenelle said that she’s been looking at both girls’ and boys’ names, just in case. (I still vote for Lurch Jr. or Lurchette, personally, but that’s just me!)
They head into the doctor’s office, and an hour later come out and announce to the producers that they are having a Lurchette! That’s right: Jenelle will finally have the little girl she’s always dreamed of. Just think of all the fun that mother and daughter will have as the years go by: Wearing matching court-required ankle bracelets, carpooling to the local jail to see their respective beaus; oh, the fun will never stop!
Since Jenelle is finally having a girl, she tells the producer that she no longer needs to continue to shoot out babies. She declares that Lurchette will be her final child.
Somewhere at a North Carolina Walmart, I think I heard Barbara snort in disbelief.
In West Virginia, Leah’s fixin’ a nutritious meal for the kids. She divvies up a can of soup swill among the youngins, legit just dumping it straight into a bowl. The kids slop it down happily. (Hey, even cold canned soup starts to taste good after a week full of Lunchables and gas station hot dogs!) Who needs that ding-dang microwave anyway! It probably just adds more dye to the babies’ heads!
The kids are excited for their upcoming trip, and Leah is busy packing. Victoria, ever lurking ’round Leah’s new living quarters, is there to discuss how Leah’s ex-husbands are reacting to the news of the California trip. (She also spends a good amount of this time picking some sort of crust out of her eye, so there’s that…)
Victoria asks Leah “who all” is going to Ca-li-for-nia with her and the kids. She looks disappointed when Leah doesn’t ask her to tag along, but there’s already plenty of moochers going on the trip. Leah’s mom Dawn will be going, as will Maddy, who is the baby-mama of Leah’s brother Isaac.
“It’s gonna be so much fun! I’m so excited!” Leah squeals to her sister, who, again, is not invited.
Victoria barely manages to slur out the producer-required question about Ali’s wheelchair. Leah says she’s going to take the chair, but she’s fixin’ to put it “under the plane.” So…is she just gonna duct tape it to the belly of the plane or…?
Leah says she’s doing her best to not make Ali feel different than her sisters.
Meanwhile, Kail’s lawyer is getting some divorce paperwork together for Javi to look at. Javi is ready to get the divorce moving, and get the custody situation for Lincoln planned out. Javi will have to wait a few more months before he’s legally unbound from Kail, and in the meantime, he says he’s scared that he’s going to turn a corner and see Kail humping some dude on a park bench…or something.
Javi says that he feels bad for Isaac, and his friend insists that Kail’s going to come crawling back to Javi and beg him to hump her on a park bench…or something.
Um…no, bro. Even Stevie Wonder can see that’s never gonna happen.
In North Carolina, David asks Jenelle if she was being serious when she said she wasn’t planning to have more babies. (I mean, between them, this will be their fifth illegitimate child and, clearly, that’s not enough! This is ‘Teen Mom’ after all!)
Speaking of those “other” illegitimate children, Jenelle and Lurch discuss how they plan to tell their assorted offspring that they’re adding to the litter. Jenelle is sure that Jace will be thrilled to hear that she’s having another baby.
Jenelle is looking forward to doing a photo shoot reveal to announce pregnancy. Obviously the police report pregnancy reveal wasn’t “more classy” enough for Jenelle, so she’s hoping to break the Internet by announcing via Instagram photo that a Lil’ Lurchette is on its way.
Lurch is insisting that they name their daughter Pearl, but Jenelle already has a few names in mind. She wants something that’s not too weird, and is adamant that her baby not be named Pearl or, randomly, Blanket.
How about Felony? It has a nice ring to it, no?
Jenelle gets on the Interwebs and starts to pretend that she’s looking up names. They magically come across “Ensley” which means “my own meadow”…or something. Lurch’s eyes light up when he hears it.
“I like how it looks when it’s spelled,” he exclaims in between grunts. (Hopefully Ensley can one day teach her father how to actually spell her name. Maybe she can make flashcards or something?)
Jenelle and Lurch seem to have settled on a first name, and Jenelle tells the producer that Baby Ensley will be given the gift of Lurch’s last name. In fact, Jenelle plans to give all of her kids the Eason last name– even her long-lost first son, Jace! She declares that when she “gets Jace back” she will be changing his last name to Eason as well.
The look on Producer Kristen’s face when Jenelle says this is damn near priceless. She just stares at Jenelle with this look, almost like she can’t believe that Jenelle is STILL singing the “When I Get Jace Back” tune, all these years later. And now she’s added on a “Gonna Change His Name” chorus.
Oh, Juh-nelle! Ya never cease to amaze us!
Lurch is still in awe of the name they’ve come up with for their baby.
“Ensley Eason,” he coos. “I can see it on a billboard now…”
So can I! And you know, those strip club billboards are getting fancier and fancier all the time! He’ll be so proud!
Over in the holler, Leah is waking up the kids to take them to Cal-i-fornia. She piles them into the car and zooms off, dreaming of palm trees and sunshine and…cities where most of the people have most of their teeth. She drags her herd through the airport, where they meet up with Mama Dawn, who has been noticeably missing from recent episodes.
Leah and the babies board the plane and are soon flying through the skies toward Southern California. Once they arrive in California, Leah decides to take the girls to the beach for a yoga lesson…as you do.
Leah and the girls spread out on the sand for their private yoga lesson. The teacher shows them how to twist their bodies into animal poses and moo like a cow.
The next day, Leah takes the youngins to a waterpark. Everyone’s having a splish-splashin’ good time. Later that day, Leah and Maddy head out to get some BBQ without the kids, who are surely exhausted from their under-the-sea excursions.
Leah talks about how great the vacation has been (all while slopping down giant helpings of some sort of barbecue meat product). The food is finger-lickin’ good and Leah is happily shoveling in food (all while smacking her lips…as you do). She talks about how great Ali is handling her wheelchair these days, but adds that she still encourages her to walk. She is scared that Ali’s mobility will eventually start to decline rapidly as she gets older.
Back in South Dakota, Chelsea meets up with her oddly-named wedding planner, Loghin, to discuss how the baby lodged in Chelsea’s uterus may upset Chelsea’s existing wedding plans. Chelsea tells Loghin that she and Cole have decided to move the wedding to the following year.
Loghin doesn’t really even try to hide her exasperation. (This poor girl not only has to live with that horrible name, but now just wasted a whole bunch of time and energy planning a wedding that is getting knocked aside because her client got knocked up!)
Chelsea says she wants to have a small “shotgun” ceremony in Nebraska on the originally planned date, and then a big party and reception the following year. Loghin says that she’ll have the call up the venue, caterer and florist (not to mention whichever straight-from-county-jail chola stencils on Chelsea’s eyebrows) and see if they are still available to do the wedding a year later.
Chelsea says that having a baby this time around is so much better because 1) she now has MTV money to support it and 2) she’s having the baby with Cole and not Adam, the Sultan of Syphilis.
Later, Chelsea takes Aubree to her softball game. (For some reason, Chelsea chose to wear a tank top that says BRIDE in big letters. It’s almost as weird as Victoria’s “Drug Free” T-shirt from earlier in the episode.)
Adam and whatever poor sap he’s dating at the moment arrive at the game too. Adam and Chelsea totally avoid each other at the game. Chelsea tells her dad Randy that Adam chose to show up at the two games of the season that MTV was filming at. (I’m sure that was a total coincidence though.) Chelsea says that Adam hasn’t been at any of Aubree’s other games, and that he failed to make an appearance at Aubree’s first day of school.
Of course, Adam had good reasons for missing the events. I mean, those vacations aren’t going to take themselves, you know!
Chelsea also notes that Adam doesn’t call Aubree when she’s at Chelsea’s house, and that there have been several of Adam’s weekends where The Big A failed to even make an appearance at his parents’ house to see Aubree.
Meanwhile, Jenelle and Lurch have waded knee-deep in the local swamp waters in order to create the perfect photo to announce Baby Lurchette’s arrival. Once they’ve shucked off the leeches from their legs, they run on over to the nearest computer in order to post the photos on social media. Jenelle purposely posts the photos on social media before she bothers to tell her own mother, Babs, and her son Jace about the new baby.
We watch as Jenelle posts the photo to her Instagram account. She and Lurch try to decide how to caption the announcement photo. (“Words and stuff is hard.”)
They finally decide what to write, and Jenelle explains the importance of her announcing the pregnancy herself (even though The Ashley had already confirmed it…as did a police report.)
“That’s like the trashiest way to announce anything,” Jenelle declares.
Well…yeah…basically. But we are talking about Jenelle here…
The next day, Jenelle, Lurch and their assorted youngins meet up with Babs and Jace for lunch. Babs seems to know what “news” Jenelle and Lurch have for her, so she’s come prepared by ordering a giant glass of wine for herself.
“It’s good for ya haaaaaaart!”
Finally, Jenelle and Lurch tell the kids that they have a “big surprise” for them. Jace seems to already know what’s coming, so he stays silent. Lurch asks his daughter what she thinks the photo showing David holding Jenelle’s stomach could mean.
“That you’re getting married?” she suggests.
PSHHHH! Girl, this is ‘Teen Mom!’ That just doesn’t happen on this show. At least, not until a couple of babies are shot out.
Jenelle finally reveals that she is having a baby. It’s basically the most anti-climatic moment ever.
Jace doesn’t say anything for a minute. He seems to be trying to process the information (and/or trying to come up with the best burn to throw at his ever-fertile mother).
“Another one?” he asks Jenelle.
JACE FOR THE WIN!
Jenelle asks Jace if he’s excited and he just stays silent. Finally, he admits that he’s not excited for Jenelle to add another kid to her rag-tag circus, particularly one that’s a girl.
Barb does not hold her feelings back either. She tells Jenelle that it was “real nice” for her to have to read about her next graaaaandkid on the Internet.
“I did the pictures yesterday at night!” Jenelle says. “Did you want me to call you at 7 o’clock at night?!”
Barb just stares at her and says yes. It’s not like Babs is in bed at 7 p.m. or something. She’s probably only a quarter of the way through her first box of wine at that time! She surely could have taken a phone call.
Poor Babs says that she had to find out from her co-workers at Waaaaaalmart that her own bitch of a daughta was knocked up.
“Everyone at Waaaalmart knew!” Babs says. “I was very upset and was crying. I had to go out to may caaaahr!”
Lurch pipes in to say that they didn’t really tell anyone about the baby anyway. Well, except for everyone on social media, that is.
Babs has had ENOUGH of these two yokels. She slings a fireball of a comment back at Jenelle.
“So after this one are ya gonna get ya tubes tied!?” she asks.
Barb and Jace must have rehearsed this or something. Their remarks in this scene are Grade A Snark!
Jenelle gets very annoyed by the comment and tells her mom that she doesn’t know. We all know that there will be plenty more kids sliding out of Jenelle’s loins in the future. It’s just a given.
“Ya gonna have MORE kids?!” Babs asks incredulously.
Jesus God (Jenelle)!
Meanwhile in Delaware, Javi and Lincoln meet up with Jo, Vee and Isaac at an ice cream shop. They all get some frozen treats and Isaac is obviously relishing his time with Javi. Jo pulls Javi outside and wants to talk about Javi and Kail’s big brawl. Jo tells Javi that he’s not happy about his son being around a fight fit for the “Jerry Springer Show” and that it can’t happen again.
Javi apologizes for what went down, and Jo reminds Javi that he, too, has been on the wrong side of Kail a time or two. He also tells Javi that all of the problems that used to be between them are now “squashed” and that he’s happy that Javi is home.
We’ve got to give another kudos to Jo. He handled the entire situation like a grown-up, even when everyone around him didn’t. He’s become a real man and The Ashley is happy to see it. (She is, of course, slightly sad that she’ll probably never get to make fun of Jo’s rap career again, though.)
Finally, we check back in one last time with Jenelle. She and her crew have finished their lunch, so she takes Jace aside to talk to him alone. She wants to know why Jace didn’t jump for joy when she announced that she’s having yet another spawn. Jenelle assumes Jace isn’t excited because the baby is a girl.
“You wish it was a boy, huh?” she asks.
Jace just looks at her and says “No.”
It’s so obvious that the baby’s sex has nothing to do with it. Jace wishes there was NO baby and probably wishes his mother would stop having babies with a “soulmate” each year, and focus on him for a change.
“That’s not right,” Jace tells her before stopping himself.
This kid is like seven and seems to have more sense than Jenelle and Lurch! I mean, that’s not saying much, but still…
Finally, Jace tells Jenelle that he’s happy to have a sister, just to get her to stop asking him over and over. She asks Jace if he wants to come live with her and her “big, big family” and he says yes, but isn’t even able to look at Jenelle while he says it.
Jenelle reminds Jace that, no matter how many kids she hurls from her baby cannon, he will always be the very first baby she ever shot out.
Until next week, kids!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!