Get your prophylactics ready because this week on The Bachelor, we’re heading into the Fantasy Suites!
The “very special” 19-hour ‘Bachelor’ event kicks off where we left off last week: with Nick in bed with Raven, ready to fornicate their way to Raven’s first “O” face. The sun comes up over the yurt that Raven and Nick were humping in, and Raven is telling Nick how much the night meant to her.
“To be alone physically with him was so nice and relaxing,” Raven tells us. “Nick is really good at what he does. I’m really satisfied today.”
Ew…and also… ew.
We are then treated to a music montage of Raven literally skipping down the street and making snow angels, while her loins buzz from the one minute of ecstasy Nick just provided her.
While Raven tries to figure out how to make her hoo-ha stop pulsating, Nick is already on his next date. Rachel has arrived in Finland to get her turn at vaulting Nick’s over-active love pole. Before they can get down to all the banging and whatnot, Nick and Rachel ski their way over to a reindeer pen. Nearby is a little cabin with hot cocoa and a fire, so the lovebirds sit down to exchange pleasantries (and spit).
Rachel tells Nick that she’s surprised that she’s still in the race for his heart, and that she’s scared that he’s going to dump her. Nick assures her that he is still very interested in seeing her baby-maker, and Rachel is happy to hear that.
They go outside, where a sleigh pulled by a reindeer awaits them. Nick encourages his current beloved to call him “St. Nick.”
Yes, that sound you hear is the sound of my stomach churning…
That night, Rachel– dressed in a midriff top, naturally–is ready to be open with Nick. They chat over wine, and Rachel is trying to tell Nick that she loves him. Nick is loving this, and keeps encouraging Rachel to tell him how great he is. She finally spits it out, and that’s all Nick needs to hear. He pounces on her, and then tells her that he’s also “falling for” her, 100 percent.
Nick realizes that it’s the perfect time to pull it out. I’m talking about the Fantasy Suite invite, of course.
Rachel jumps at the chance to experience Nick “a la sack.”
“I’m so all in!” Rachel says. “I know that we’re going to go so much deeper than we have before.”
Huhhuhuhuhhuhhhh….she said “deep.”
The next morning, Rachel and Nick awake and start making breakfast. They’ve worked up a hearty appetite for their fornication-fest and are enjoying the meal together. Shortly, though, Nick says it’s time for him to go firehose-off his man-junk so that he can go bone his final potential fiance.
Dontcha just hate when that happens?!
After his loins have been properly scrubbed down with Clorox, Nick meets up with Vanessa. He tells her that, for their date, they’re going to hop into a freezing cold hole of water.
“I want to murder Nick,” Vanessa tells us. “Chop him up and feed him to the reindeer.”
Now that’s a season of ‘The Bachelor’ I’d love to watch! Throw Juan Pablo in there for good measure!
Nick and Vanessa jump into the cold water and then scurry over to the sauna.
“Feels good though, right?” he asks her. “Right?!”
Something tells me this won’t be the only time Nick asks Vanessa this on this date.
They keeps going back out and forth between the icy hole (huhuhuhuh) and the sauna. Nick looks like he’s over this whole charade and just wants to get down to the banging.
Finally they end up in a hot tub, where they discuss Vanessa’s family. He basically tells her that he’s worried that if he chooses her to be his fiance, her relatives are going to be all up in his grill for the rest of his life…or at least until the inevitable People magazine break-up story publishes.
Vanessa tells Nick that she wouldn’t give up time with her family, which is basically her way of telling Nick that she’s not moving to the United States to be with him.
The fact that they are from two different countries isn’t going to deter Nick from trying to, um, “canuk” Vanessa.
They head into some sort of teepee and Vanessa keeps trying to have meaningful conversations with Nick. She finally asks flat-out if Nick is willing to move to Canada for her. Nick looks desperate. Finally, he pleads patriotism.
“I’m, um, really proud to be American!” he tells her.
As Nick contemplates standing up right there and singing “You’re a Grand Ole Flag,” Vanessa keeps talking about all the stuff she refuses to change for Nick. He assures Vanessa that he would never propose unless he really wanted to marry her.
Vanessa decides to bust out the “I love you” and assures Nick that all of his sacrifice will be worth it. Nick doesn’t seem convinced. Still, though, he whips out the Fantasy Suite invite in hopes that Vanessa will express that “love” in the form of Fantasy Suite humping.
Vanessa accepts the invitation, and soon they head to the bed to get busy.
“I know in my heart that this is it for me,” Vanessa tells us. “Nick is my other half and the person I know I want to spend the rest of my life.”
She says she feels like the luckiest person in the world to be there with Nick. She has, of course, conveniently forgotten that two other “ladies” just got lucky by Nick as well.
The next morning, a topless Vanessa and shirtless Nick are cuddling in front of the fire. Soon, though, Nick must strap on his trusty boots and head out into the cold to figure out which one of these broads to dump next.
Meanwhile, Rachel is visualizing a future with Nick. She tells us that she would be devastated to lose Nick at this point. Raven is also thinking about getting engaged to Nick.
The girls get dressed up and head over to the Rose Ceremony. Vanessa is her usual ball of no-fun. She tells us that she’s worried she’s not good enough for Nick.
Wait…really? This is Nick we’re talking about, girl!
Nick arrives and faces his final three ladies. Raven, dressed like she’s auditioning for the role of Morticia in “The Addams Family: The Next Generation,” looks like she’s about to pee herself.
Nick immediately starts to cry, telling the girls how much he loves them all. He thanks them for “opening their hearts” (aka getting down with him in the Fantasy Suite), and then it’s time to hand out roses. The first flower goes to
The Princess of Darkness Raven, and it’s time for the last rose to go out. He pauses for dramatic purposes before giving Vanessa the rose.
Rachel looks devastated. (Don’t worry girl! In a few months, you’ll be the one making it rain roses! And–bonus!– you don’t have to marry Nick!)
Nick sits her down for the required “cast off” chat. Rachel seems totally confused and Nick does a horrible job of explaining his actions, as per usual. He takes her outside (coat-less, nonetheless) and tosses her into the Pity Limo. She gives him a final hug and then the Pity Limo drives off, while Nick stands there crying in the snow.
That’s all for Fantasy Suites and fake tears for tonight! However, there’s more ‘Bachelor’ because the season’s worst hour of television– the “Women Tell All” special– is also airing tonight. (Essentially, this is just going to be all of Nick’s cast-offs talking over each other and trying to earn themselves a spot on this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise.)
UGH. The Ashley is gonna try to get through this crap, but she can’t make any promises.
Chris Harrison makes one of his few appearances on camera this season to open the “Women Tell All” episode. They have managed to round up all of the losers from Nick’s season to talk crap on him and each other.
First though, we watch clips of Nick and Chris crashing ‘Bachelor’ viewing parties. At the parties, all the women want to touch Nick and ask him questions. Who cares about Nick! I’d want to talk to Chris and ask him how he manages to get paid so much for doing so little!
After that nauseating segment, it’s time to get down to business.
All of the women are paraded out onto the stage, even though ones we don’t remember (or don’t recognize because they got their makeup done at MAC before the show and now look like a totally different person/species.
Josephine, in particular, looks like she was beamed in from another planet).
The girls watch clips of the show and immediately launch into an attack on Corinne. They tell her that the didn’t hate her because she instantly took off her top when she went out with Nick; they hate her because she took naps.
Seriously…what the hell are we watching?
Elizabeth (wait…who?) brings up the Corinne and Taylor brawl and the “emotionally unintelligent” crap from their two-on-one date. The girls all start to turn on Taylor and everyone is screaming over each other and Chris looks like he wants to say, “This is why I never appear on this show anymore.. This right here.”
Next up to be grilled is Liz, who, in case you have forgotten, slept with Nick after Jade and Tanner‘s wedding. Nick gave her the boot after she started getting a little creepy, and Liz still isn’t over it.
Liz blames alcohol and rebound for boning Nick, and insists that she wanted to give a relationship with Nick another try but was nervous to call him.
“It had been a year,” she says. “I didn’t know where he was in his life.”
Um…being the ‘Bachelor?’
Liz says that she was basically branded with a scarlet letter after airing her sex stories on ‘The Bachelor,’ but she doesn’t regret boinking Nick, or going on TV and talking about it.
She launches into a tirade that sounds like it came straight from an “Ricki Lake Show” audience member. All it’s missing is Whitney Houston’s “I’m Every Women” playing faintly in the background.
“You deserve to be fought for!” Liz tells nobody in particular. “I learned that you are not defined by your past, and you can’t be ashamed of what you have done, girls!”
Hailey (the one who looks like Elizabeth Banks) talks about how Liz is so much more than just the girl who Nick hit and quit. She’s basically Mother Teresa. She apparently spends her time building wells in Africa and curing the lepers and whatnot. Who knew?
They shovel Liz off of her soapbox and bring up Taylor. I hear them mention “emotional intelligence” and I instantly zone out and wait for Chris to drag out the blow-up pool full of Jello. Call me when they’re wrestling.
All the other girls tell Taylor that she was the one who is stuck up and she denies it. Corinne gets up and walks off the stage and returns holding alcohol.
“I don’t know about you, but I need a glass of champagne!” she proclaims.
Taylor is blubbering that she was “profession-shamed” for being a counselor. Or something. I have no clue.
One girl suggests that both Corinne and Taylor are equally condescending and awful. I agree.
It’s time to bring Corinne to the hot seat. She’s thrilled to be the center of attention, and she admits that she came off “a little more promiscuous” than she thought she would.
Hmm…maybe it was the whipped cream you put on your boobs?
Corinne insists that she never said anything mean about any of the other girls. Except for calling Taylor a swamp monster, of course.
Taylor and Corinne continue to pick at each other, and soon they are arguing about who naps more and who has better quality naps and better nap-themed shirts.
Seriously, again, WTF ARE WE WATCHING, guys? We need to do better.
“Why can’t you guys bury the hatchet?” Chris asks Corinne and Taylor.
Um…duh. If they do that, there won’t be any catfights once they get onto ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ and both want to bone the same guy on a beach chair. Come on, Chris!
Next in the hot seat is Kristina, the Russian girl who was shocked when Nick gave her the boot. Her sad story makes everyone else cry and realize that they’re all spoiled, catty brats.
Um…Kristina for Bachelor 2018? Make it happen, Chris!
Next it’s time to bring out our hero, Nick. The girls are all blubbering once they ask Nick why he gave them the boot. Danielle, desperate to get some camera time, is really getting ridiculous as she cries and begs Nick to explain why he dumped her. (Spoiler alert: he dumped her because he didn’t like her very much.)
Soon they wheel Nick offstage and bring out Rachel because she’s going to be the next ‘Bachelorette.’ She says she wants a guy who is fun, handsome and classy. So…someone who is nothing like Nick, apparently?
That’s all for this week! I can’t believe we made it through three hours of this crap!
Next week is the “most dramatic finale” of ‘The Bachelor’ EVER!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelor’ click here!