It’s time for another episode of Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars: Family Edition, the show that makes you feel grateful for your own family, because, no matter how many wackos you have swinging from your family tree, they can’t be any worse than any of the people featured on this show.
Let’s get into the mess. We start out with Chad’s mother, Paula, kicking off the party by pouring herself a drink…at 8 o’clock in the morning. The people in the house are beginning to notice that Paula pretty much has a bladder full of vodka even before breakfast starts.
“She’s been drinking every day she’s been here,” the therapist says. “Completely indicative of a substance abuse issue.”
Here’s a question though: Why do they even have alcohol in the house? The families can’t leave so it has to be supplied by the production team. Doesn’t having an abundance of booze sitting around hurt the “therapeutic process?”
Meanwhile, Farrah’s mom Debra is out on the patio on her phone, whispering sweet nothings to her boyfriend.
“I believe that there is a strong possibility that he’s going to propose to me,” Debra says. “So, I want to work this out.”
I mean…just think of the white spandex dress and clear plastic heels that Deb will be able to buy from the young ‘n’ modern section for the wedding if he does propose! This has to happen!
Because it wouldn’t be ‘Boot Camp’ without some weird activity, the families are brought outside to see their house of blame bricks. (Please, God, tell me they’re just going to film as the families throw bricks at each other’s heads!?)
They will each take turns pulling a brick out with a word like “selfish” or “trust” on it. Then, they will discuss who in the family has an issue with that word.
Farrah starts by pulling out the ‘selfish’ brick. Farrah says she thinks both of her parents are selfish. (This is probably true but because it came from the over-inflated lips of Farrah, who is quite possibly one of the most selfish people ever to grace reality TV, it’s kind of ridiculous.)
Michael says Debra is the most selfish of his motley crew and Farrah agrees. Debra, wearing yoga pants with rips all the way up to her hip bone (naturally), goes next and pulls the brick that says ‘anger.’
Farrah gets the brick anger. Their house collapses.
Next up are Chad and Paula. (Luckily, Paula has managed to lay off the sauce for an hour or so to complete this stupid task.)
Chad says Paula is combative.
Oh, no. Really? Oh come now!
Paula says she thinks Chad is “mentally insane” and suggests that he is “a candidate for suicide.”
Wait…what?! Isn’t this about the time where these ‘therapists’ should be shutting this whole conversation down and wrapping Paula in the appropriate straight jacket? Who says that to their son?!
But Paula’s not finished unleashing her fury on Chad. She tells her son to f**k off.
Seriously, Paula, girl, you really need to go “find your beach.” You have more anger in you than Farrah does, and before this episode no one thought that was even possible.
That’s a tough act to follow for Kendra and Patti, who are up next. Kendra pulls the brick that says ‘narcissist.’
(To be fair, that brick is probably applicable to everyone in this cast.)
Kendra says she thinks that she and her mother are both narcissistic.
“I feel like I’m blamed for being alive,” Kendra says. “I wasn’t heard.”
Kendra says she needs to feel trust for her mother but she doesn’t. Patti calls Kendra immature.
“I will definitely take that. I will never be mature,” Kendra says.
Hey—say what you want about Kendra but at least she’s honest about how awful she is.
The Sorrentino brothers are up next. They say Marc is greedy and immature, they are all anger, and Maximo is immature. Marc gets mad that his brothers accuse him of being immature. To prove how mature he is, he tosses the brick that says ‘immature’ on the floor and pouts.
For some reason, Debra decides to throw her two cents into the conversation but, as per usual, no one is listening to what she has to say.
Marc writes “man up” and “get tough” on two bricks and gives them to Maximo. Why are they always ganging up on Maximo? He seems like the least-awful of all the brothers!
Later that night, the cast sits around eating and drinking and talking crap on each other.
The therapists decide to take Farrah and her family off for some one-on-one therapy.
(Um…shouldn’t they instead be addressing the woman who basically just told her son to commit suicide, rather than worry about letting Farrah & Co. argue about who’s going to pay for the next family Botox sesh?!)
The therapists bring up the day in 2010 where Debra allegedly attacked Farrah and the cops were called. (Who could forget Debra’s Grade-A mugshot from that incident? It’s positively legendary!)
The three of them can’t explain what happened that day without screaming. Deb claims that the brawl began when Farrah caught her opening up her mail…or something.
Farrah denies this and claims that Deb abused her. She tells Debra she should “stay away from any kids.” (Surely Farrah meant to add ‘clothing’ at the end of that sentence, right?)
Farrah then claims that Debra beat her with a belt when she was a child. Debra denies this. They basically resolve nothing.
Next, the families are forced to take part in a pool activity. Naturally, Maximo is wearing a tiger print Speedo.
They get in the pool and Debra starts having a panic attack.
“I wanted to be here. I wanted to heal my family, but I just can’t handle this,” she says.
She says she’s afraid of the water. (That’s funny because she didn’t seem too afraid when she was lounging on a speed boat with some random man on an episode of Teen Mom OG last year.)
The families are supposed to get in the pool and then swim with a basket full of their bricks from the other activity. They immediately start freaking out and blaming each other.
Kendra and Patti, however, figure out a way to cheat the system. They dump all of their bricks on the ground and pretend like they still have them. It’s nice when families can bond over a mutual desire to be dishonest, dontcha think?
Afterward, the whole gang goes into the house for evaluations. Kendra and Patti get called out for their cheating and have to spin the Chore Wheel. They land on “Doctor’s Choice” so the doctors decide that Patti and Kendra will have to go swim to the bottom of the pool to get their bricks. Patti refuses but Kendra gets in the pool to retrieve the bricks.
While Kendra swims, Debra sits Farrah down for a talk. Deb tells Farrah that her boyfriend has a big surprise for her at a beer competition so she needs to leave. Deb thinks that her doctor boyfriend may be planning to propose, and she’s not about to stay at the Mansion, fishing bricks out of a pool and being accused of whipping her daughter’s famous backdoor with a belt. She’s outta here!
“I’m not gonna lose my boyfriend,” Debra says. “I have to go.”
(If this dude is really going to break up with Debra because she is putting reality TV in front of their relationship…he’s picked the wrong gal!)
Farrah is pissed and tells her mother that if she leaves the house, she shouldn’t come back. Deb leaves anyway. (Who knew there were ‘vacation days’ in Boot Camp?)
Next week, it’s the showdown we’ve all been waiting for: Farrah and Paula get into a big fight. Let’s get ready to rummmmble!
To read our recap of the previous episode of ‘Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars: Family Edition,’ click here!