Another season of The Bachelorette is upon us! The media has been touting this season of the show as Very Special because Rachel Lindsay is the first African-American lead ever featured on the franchise.
While this is great and exciting and all, let’s talk about the real reason this season of ‘The Bachelorette’ is unique: This is the first time in years that we can watch ‘The Bachelorette’ and not have to watch Nick Viall try to bang the girl who is starring on the show! (Well…let’s hope not, anyway… He should at least have the decency to wait until Bachelor in Paradise is about to begin to dump his made-for-TV fiance and get back on one of these horrible shows.)
The premiere episode kicks off with Rachel showing how she’s just a normal girl. She plays basketball, walks down the street flipping her hair, and, as a lawyer, “uses legal jargon in everyday life!”
Next, Rachel (and her adorable hobbling dog) arrive in LA so that Rachel can dance on the beach and get free outfits. Chris Harrison comes in, says a few things to secure his paycheck, and then it’s time to meet some of the guys who will be embarrassing their families on this season of ‘The Bachelorette.’
The first guy we meet is pro wrestler Kenny “Pitbull” who seems to be very kind…and kind of sweaty. He tells us that he is ready woo Rachel, provided that she’s OK with the fact that he has a daughter.
Lawyer Jack is up next. He strolls along the shore, staring awkwardly out at the water as he explains that he fell in love with Rachel when he saw her dating Nick last season and now he’s counting down the days until he can meet her. Nope, nothing creepy about that at all…
“Huge nerd” (and sometimes meathead) Alex explains that he would love to “code” with Rachel. Then there’s Mo, who has a passion for his “startup company” and Bollywood dancing. We are treated to watching Mo and his whole family shaking their bon-bons awkwardly in the living room.
If the sight of the dancing hasn’t scared you away yet, you’ll next meet Blake, a personal trainer who can’t wait to tell us about how much sex he has, how much he likes sex and how great he is at sex.
“I don’t want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis, but so many girls have told me about the amazingness of my penis.”
That quote basically sums up all you need to know about Blake.
Diggy seems just as egotistical as Blake, but instead of his sexual conquests, he likes to talk about his clothes.
Next we meet Lucas, who basically describes himself by screaming “WAAA-BOOM!” into the camera like a low-rent Jim Carey. Seriously…make it stop.
Poor, poor Rachel. They could have found a better assortment of guys hanging around the 7-11… Or picking up trash on the side of the highway.
Thankfully, they managed to find one decent guy for Rachel. Josiah is a lawyer with a sensitive side.
Before Rachel can meet up with Josiah & the goobers, she has to have an on-camera chat with some women from Nick’s season of ‘The Bachelorette.’ Everyone went to Ross Dress for Less and bought themselves a fashionable romper, and they are all there to give Rachel advice.
Alexis, Corinne, Raven, Jasmine and…some other people we will probably be seeing making out in some hot tub during ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ tell Rachel not to judge the guys by whatever ridiculous stunt they are forced to pull on Night One. They all reminisce about that period of time where they were all fighting for possession of Nick’s junk, and soon it’s time for them to send Rachel off to meet her “prince.”
She zips into her gown and heads off to the Bachelor Mansion.
Chris Harrison meets Rachel in the Mansion driveway, looking thrilled. (Hell, I’d be thrilled if I were him too. He works for about 15 minutes a week.)
The first haul of men pulls up, and the first guy out of the limo Peter, who despite his plaid suit and velvet bowtie, seems relatively normal. Next out is lawyer Josiah, who has also chosen a bowtie for the occasion. He uses cheesy legal puns to woo her.
“See you later, litigator.”
Groan. Josiah, I’m gonna let that one slide because you have a sad story but…don’t let that happen again.
Next up is “Pitbull” Kenny. He refrains from growling or body-slamming Rachel during the initial greeting. Out of the limo next is law student Rob, who uses fantasy football terms to try to get Rachel to like him. Women love that.
Bryce is a fire fighter who picks up Rachel and rocks her back and forth like a baby. Women love that, too.
Next is Will who comes out of the limo in full Steve Urkel gear (which actually kind of just looks like all the other guys’ hipster suits) , and then pulls a “Stephan Ur-kel” transformation in the limo. While The Ashley would normally skewer someone for pulling such a cheesy (pun intended) stunt, she’s got to give Will a pass because he busted out a TGIF reference.
The guys keep on coming and so do the cheesy stunts and puns. Next out is Dean, who, as you may remember, delivered the cringe-worthy line about “going black and never going back” when he first met Rachel during the After the Final Rose special last season.
DeMario is another guy that Rachel has already met. He is polite, respectful and most importantly not annoying…for now, anyway.
Before the next limo arrives, a marching band comes through the Mansion gates. It’s sex-fiend Blake, who in addition to being an aspiring fornicator, says he’s also an aspiring drummer. A lot of the other guys are upset that their entrances weren’t as “cool” as Blake’s. Don’t be.
Another limo arrives and the guys start pouring out. First up is Fred, who is also from Dallas. He comes armed with his third grade yearbook, and shows Rachel her own photo in the yearbook. It turns out that they went to the same school, and Rachel remembers him as a “very bad kid.”
Jonathan wins for the most awkward moment of the premiere so far. He stares robotically into Rachel’s eyes before requesting she close her eyes. She does…and Jonathan proceeds to man-handle her and basically grab her just inches from her boobs. Girls love that, especially if you do it the first time you meet them! Jonathan claims he is a professional “tickle monster” which may or may not just be a nice way of saying that women have restraining orders against him all across America.
Adam whips out his mini-me and introduces it to Rachel. Get your minds out of the gutter and save that for the Fantasy Suite, you sickos! He actually brought a miniature doll version of himself which, to be fair, is probably worse than if he had whipped out his other “mini me” right then and there.
Matt comes dressed as a penguin, because Rachel apparently loves penguins. She doesn’t, however, love grown men who waddle and wear poorly fitting penguin costumes they got at the After-Halloween sale at Party City.
Dear God make it stop.
Jack Stone is yet another Dallas attorney. He seems normal until Rachel says that she looks forward to meeting him inside…and he says creepily, “YOU BETTER.”
The guys are starting to notice that Rachel’s men are very diverse.
“There’s a lot of brothers up in here!” one yells.
Lucas announces himself while coming out of the limo. He’s wearing a “WAA-BOOM” T-shirt and instantly starts talking about his testicle size. Rachel is doing her best to be kind to Lucas, even after he does his Jim Carey-esque face-shake and yells (and possibly spits) in her face. He continues to annoy as he enters the house, doing the face shake over and over again. One of the guys looks like he doesn’t know whether to laugh or seek medical attention for the guy.
While they’re waiting for Rachel to come into the house, all the guys talk about how stupid Nick was for letting her go, and how she was way too good for Nicky V. (Which is, of course, true.)
Rachel enters the room and all the men stand at attention. She tells the guys that she is all “about keeping it real, keeping it 100.”
Josiah wastes no time. He grabs up Rachel and has the first chat with her. He talks about his troubled past and Rachel seems to swoon.
Dean grabs her next, and forces a grown woman (in an evening gown, mind you) to play in the sand.
Adam (and his mini pal AJ) are busy creeping everyone out. The producers up the creep factor by forcing poor Rachel to have a conversation with AJ, and then Adam gives AJ a scary French accent. Rachel is tells Adam that his doll creeps her out but Adam seem to understand that AJ needs to take a hike.
Fred comes up to Rachel and she tells him that she remembers him as a kid because she was a counselor who had to discipline him back in the day. Unfortunately, the trip down memory lane doesn’t seem to arouse Rachel.
Bryan keeps speaking to Rachel in Spanish, which does get Rachel’s loins a’tinglin’! He immediately grabs her and mauls her with his lips. Rachel is all about the lip-lock.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison brings in the First Impression Rose. While all of the guys are worried about getting it, Bryan is getting it over in the doorway, unbeknownst to the other knuckleheads.
The men are starting to get competitive and at one point there’s literally a LINE waiting to see Rachel.
“There are men over me, to the right, to the left,” she says.
Mo isn’t waiting for Rachel to get the fun started, though. He’s busy guzzling everyone’s drinks. Lucas, meanwhile, is still trying to make the face shake and “Waaa-boom!” happen. Stop trying to make “Waa-baam!” happen, Lucas. It’s not going to happen.
All the guys are starting to get annoyed by Lucas’ antics (except for Mo, of course, because he has no clue where the hell he is at this point.)
Lucas continues to speak via his megaphone and several of the men look like they want to throw him into the fireplace. It’s so obvious that Lucas doesn’t want Rachel. He wants a ticket to Mexico to try to hump girls on ‘Bachelor in Paradise.’ Duh. He has no actual chance with Rachel due to his personality.
Plus…he looks like the kid on Mad magazine.
Despite all the waaa-booms and inappropriate sex talk, Rachel still sees potential in some of the guys. Then men are still wondering which one of them will get the First Impression Rose
Rachel comes in and takes the rose and calls Bryan outside. She gives him the rose, and he gives her another Grade A lip lock (all while a drunken Mo lurks behind them and screams “Nooo!” That was possibly my favorite part of this crap-isode.)
It’s time for Rachel to make her cuts. The guys are all nervous that they’ll be one of the guys who get the boot on the first night. Rachel is upset that she’s going to have to hurt some guys’ feelings but…it’s time for her to lower the [Waa] boom.
The first guy to get a rose is Peter, followed by Will. Jack, Jamie and Iggy are called next, followed by Eric. The next guys to get roses are DeMario, Jonathan and firefighter Bryce. Alex gets a rose, as do “Pitbull” Kenny and Dean. Penguin Matt somehow manages to get a flower too. Anthony, Brady, Josiah and Lee are called next, followed by Diggy. Camp-counselled kid Fred gets a rose, and soon there are just a few flowers left.
Adam (but not his creepy doll) gets a rose, as does “Mr. Sex” Blake E. There’s only one rose left, so Chris Harrison has to come earn his paycheck and tell everyone that it’s the final rose of the night. It goes to Lucas, who immediately does his face shake. All of the guys are shocked but it’s so obvious the producers told her to keep “Wha-boom” around so we could get to know him for when he appears on ‘Paradise.’
She let an ER doctor, a veteran and a bunch of other handsome as hell guys go but…at least she will get to watch Lucas do his horrific Ace Ventura impression all across the world.
Until next week kids!