It’s Week 2 of The Bachelorette, which means the guys are getting frisky, the attention grabs are getting more frequent and, most importantly, this show is getting more and more awful.
We start things off at Rachel‘s house, the day after the first night at the Bachelor Mansion. She and her adorable hopping dog (who has an unexplained cast on his leg) are playing. Meanwhile, at the Bachelor Mansion, Chris Harrison talks to the men who made the first hack.
All the guys rave about how wonderful, smart, pretty and pleasing to the nose Rachel is. Chris tells the guys that he hopes all the guys are here for…wait for it…the RIGHT REASONS! (Please, God, tell me they aren’t going to start playing this cringe-worthy rap to further drive home that point..)
The first date card is left, and it’s discovered that a whole gaggle of men will be going on the first group date. ‘Bachelorette’ fans know that the first group date is notoriously ridiculous and more annoying that Mr. Waa-Boom after he’s had 10 Smirnoff Ices.
The guys head over to the park, where they find Rachel grilling stuff on the barbecue. They gobble down some wieners (huhuhuh) and start a touch football game. Within minutes, the guys are ready to stab Lucas with a kabob stick and throw him on the grill. Blake has nominated himself to be this season’s martyr, and vows to “warn Rachel” about Lucas’ ulterior motives.
After the game, Rachel and the guys meet up with Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, who say they always watch ‘The Bachelorette.’ (Celebrities…they’re just as pathetic as us!)
Ashton and Mila say they begged the producers to allow them to be on the show somehow because…well, what the hell else does Ashton have to do these days?
An obstacle course has been set up for the men that will make them prove that they will be able to take care of the kids they may have with Rachel, as well as vacuum, and do other household chores. It’s the “Husband Material” challenge, y’all!
“This right here is wife material,” Rachel says, evoking her best sassy Lisa Turtle from Saved by the Bell impression. “I’m looking for husband material!”
This could be worse than the farm-inspired sh*tshow of an obstacle course from Chris‘ season of ‘The Bachelor.’ Prepare yourself, guys…
The men have to diaper baby dolls, vacuum, unclog some drains and then get flowers for Rachel…or something. It’s just embarrassing.
Ashton tells Mila that he knew “on day one” that she was the one for him. (I guess we are just pretending those weird Demi Moore years didn’t happen, right, Ashton?)
The race starts and the guys are doing a great job of making complete and utter fools of themselves. Kenny, who has a kid, is confident in his skills. However, at one point he is legit galloping down the vacuum carpet, with his baby hanging down near his crotch.
Lucas is doing surprisingly well at the challenge…until he starts drowning his baby. But, to be fair, if I were Lucas’ baby, an underwater death would be a welcome relief from a lifetime of listening to someone scream “WA-BOOOM!”
Here’s a question: why the hell did the producers let Lucas on this show? There’s not one person who actually thinks he’s funny, entertaining or even mildly worthy of anything other than a tranquilizer dart and/or net.
Lucas manages to win the race. The challenge is over.
OK, that’s enough. When is Ashton gonna yell “You’ve been PUNKED!” and then Rachel gets to meet her real guys instead of these knuckleheads?
Afterward, Rachel and the guys go to some sort of thrift store to hang out. (Budget a little light this year, guys?)
Rachel is forced to take Lucas aside since he actually won the Husband Material Challenge. He manages to refrain from spitting on Rachel during their conversation. He even writes a poem and recites it to her without doing his broke-down Jim Carey impression.
Meanwhile, Blake is informing the other guys that he knows Lucas outside this show, and that he just wants to be on TV.
Um…Ray Charles could see that one, guy. You’re not really telling us anything we didn’t already know.
Rachel takes other guys aside, including Fred, whom she keeps telling how “bad” he was at summer camp. Geez, you play a couple pranks on your bunkmates and you never live it down! Poor Freddy!
Rachel is bored as hell by the time she talks to Guy #5 or so. She’s chatting with Iggy (well…to be fair, she’s listening to him talk and marveling at how much he is sweating), and she looks like she wants to go to sleep.
Meanwhile, the guys are quizzing Lucas to see how much “Wa-boom” he really has in him. Blake is REALLY REALLY mad that Lucas has even dared to come on this show. So he does what someone does every season– he sets out to warn everyone about the “bad apple” that has somehow wormed their way onto this show.
Blake tells Rachel that his roommate is Lucas’ ex-girlfriend. Rachel is shocked.
So are we. I mean, how the hell did Lucas actually get someone to date him?! Was she in a coma during the whole relationship?
Blake tells Rachel that Lucas is a showboat and a clown who is just looking to get himself on TV. Lucas is unhappy that he’s been “outed” but he’s still insisting that he’s just here for sweet, sweet love with Robin… er….Rachel.
Lucas then says that it’s actually Blake who is the crazy maniac, not him. Blake denies being a maniac.
Kenny ain’t havin’ it.
“Look, I know all about white dudes acting crazy, but they’re bugging me right now!” he tells us.
Rachel is still bored as hell, but luckily, Dean comes in and sparks her interest. She compliments him on the “going black” comment he made on the first night.
She is also interested in Kenny, who is chatting about his daughter. Rachel realizes that Kenny, at 35, is one of the oldest men in the house.
Well that kinda makes you want to guzzle a whole bottle of Kendall Jackson, doesn’t it?
It’s time for Rachel to give out the date rose. She gives it to Dean because…well, a pretty face always trumps dad stories.
Dean takes a couple minutes with Rachel solo, and manages to sneak it a quick makeout sesh.
The next day Rachel takes Peter on a one-on-one date. They are going to take a private jet to Palm Springs, but before they go, Rachel says she wants her best friend to go on their date with him. At first, we worry that it may be Corinne or one of those girls who Rachel met last season (or worse– Nick Viall!), but we get a pleasant surprise. It’s Rachel’s hobbling dog, Copper, who will be going on the date!
I NEED TO KNOW WHY HE HAS A CAST ON HIS LEG!
Copper is thrilled to get attention on the plane. Peter seems to take to him well and, frankly, I’m just squealing the entire time Copper is on the screen.
They arrive at….a DOG POOL PARTY. A freakin’ dog pool party. There are dogs in costumes, dogs on floaties, and dogs running happily on the grass. Um…can we just stop watching the Waboom crap and make the rest of the episode about the dogs in swimsuits? Seriously, the dogs are so much better than the creepgoblins on this show.
— Emme La (@olympia2ireland) May 30, 2017
At one point Peter is holding Copper up and dancing with him. Heart= won. Call Neil Lane right now and get his big ol’ ring suitcase here.
They head to dinner (with Copper in tow) and talk about how they both have gaps in their teeth and have both been in therapy. It’s stimulating conversation. Copper looks as bored as we are. Why isn’t anyone talking about that dog’s glitter covered cast? Seriously.
Rachel gives Peter the rose, which comes as no surprise, since they had a great date.
Back at the Mansion, another group date card has arrived. They guys realize they will be playing basketball on their date. I feel bad for that guy who sweats a lot. This should really get those glands going!
The guys arrive at a gym, where they find Rachel (in athletic wear), doing her best to look sporty. To up the excitement factor, they wheel out Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Some of the white dudes look confused and are trying to pretend they know who the tall guy is. (The Ashley is not embarrassed to admit that she knows who this is only because he appeared on an episode of Full House. #NeverForget)
Kareem tells the guys that, even if they suck, they can still win Rachel’s heart if they try hard. That’s good news for some of the guys because a lot of these guys are straight-out ridiculously bad at basketball.
DeMario and Will are showing off their “hooping” skills, and Rachel is feeling DeMario’s vibe. Kareem warns her that he may be a Jekyll and Hyde sort of guy…
Dun.Dun.Dun. It’s almost like they’re foreshadowing something…
“She needs a confident man, and I’m a confident man!” DeMario tells us. “I’m straight up a born winner.”
Kareem tells the guys that they will be playing a game in front a big crowd of people. The guys head to the locker room to suit up for the game. Soon a huge crowd of people (most of whom probably plan to put this appearance on their acting resume) arrive at the gym, and Chris Harrison introduces Rachel to the cheering crowd.
“I’m not a baller!” Lee says. “This is going to be hard.”
STOP.IT. I would never believe that Lee is not a baller. Impossible!
The guys come to the court, ready to play. They start the game and Kareem is sitting there with a look that says, “I clearly need a new agent.”
Rachel is shimmying with the marching band as the guys play. She talks to the guys in the middle of the game.
“D is for DeMario, dunking and defense!” DeMario yells.
Rachel finds DeMario’s gigantic ego endearing. In the end, DeMario’s team loses, but DeMario feels like his efforts are at least enough to win Rachel’s heart (and/or secure himself a “FitTea” endorsement deal on Instagram.)
At the end of the game, a girl approaches Rachel and asks to speak to her. She tells Rachel that DeMario was her boyfriend of seven months until he went on ‘The Bachelorette!’
Rachel is shocked. The girlfriend says that she and DeMario were still together until the day she saw DeMario on the TV being introduced to Rachel on the After the Final Rose special. Apparently DeMario went M.I.A. for a few days and failed to tell his girlfriend that he was trading her in for a more famous model.
Rachel is pissed. She storms into the locker room and pulls DeMario out. He thinks he’s going to get a little sexy time, but Rachel has other things in mind. He walks into the gym and sees his (ex?) girlfriend standing there. Naturally, he does what any good guy would do in this situation: he pretends he doesn’t know who the hell she is.
His face, however, says otherwise. All they basically need is for Shaggy’s “Wasn’t Me” to start piping through the gym’s sound system.
The girlfriend says that DeMario was in her bed days before he went on ‘The Bachelorette.’ DeMario claims that the girl is a creep who he barely knows, all while the girlfriend is cussing like a trucker. DeMario claims that he dumped her after a few dates, but the girlfriend calls him a DAMN LIAR and says he still has the keys to her apartment.
DeMario said they were “on again off again” and that he did dump her in person.
The girl swears “on her kittens sleeping in her bed right now” that she’s telling the truth. DeMario finally admits that he didn’t exactly cut it off with the girl, but only because he was trying to “ween” the girl off of his, um, ween…or something.
DeMario finally admits he “mailed the keys” to her. The girlfriend isn’t done– she HAS TEXTS, y’all! DeMario is sweating more than Iggy at this point.
“We had sexual intercourse before,” DeMario admits, still trying to worm out of this.
The texts reveal that DeMario was trying to woo the girlfriend back. Rachel is pissed.
“I’m not here to be played or be made a joke of, so I’m gonna need you to get the f**k out,” she says. “I don’t like being embarrassed.”
DeMario apologizes as he runs out, and the girlfriend is standing there smirking.
“My character has been assassinated!” DeMario cries as he is shuttled away. “I pride myself on being respectful!”
They pull Chris Harrison out of his trailer and force him to go to the gym to try to talk to Rachel but she’s not having it. She storms out and says she’s not “doing this!”
She does, however, go tell the guys what happened with DeMario. They are all shocked. Rachel reminds the guys that she is “keeping it 100” and that she doesn’t want to be a joke. She tells the guys that if any of them have a side dish, they need to join DeMario in the Shuttle of Shame.
Rachel still has to take the guys out after the game. They sit around and talk about what a scum bag DeMario is.
“DeMario is a dirty, dirty dog,” Rachel says. (They show a shot of a taxidermied animal as she says that, which I think is a nice touch…)
Josiah wastes no time in helping Rachel get over the DeMario fiasco…via his mouth.
Alex decides to woo Rachel with music. He bursts into a Russian song that he says is about “dark eyes.”
“You have dark eyes,” he tells her.
Wait…like Satan? That’s not exactly the best way to get a girl to like you, bro.
Eric gets in there next. After his talk with Rachel he asks her for a hug…and then proceeds to accost Rachel with his lips.
After all the Russian songs and ambush liplocks, it’s time for Rachel to give out the date rose. She gives it to Josiah, due to their “deep conversation” and Josiah’s protective nature.
What we’ve learned on this date: the producers will always find your girlfriend and…this show is so much better without having to watch any of these knuckleheads yell “WAA-BOOM!” after every sentence.
The next day is the Rose Ceremony. Rachel’s all dressed up like Cleopatra, and she, again, tells the guys that she ain’t playing around with any jokers.
Meanwhile, the production guys get a call that “someone” is here looking for Rachel. While one reject is making Rachel play with a dollhouse (um?), DeMario comes back on the grounds but is stopped by security. He begs for a chance to talk to Rachel.
Chris Harrison, surely upset that he has to put in an extra couple minutes of work this episode, goes out to meet DeMario and agrees to ask Rachel if she’s OK with him letting this schmuck back in the Mansion.
Rachel goes down to see DeMario, and the guys are not happy to see his “cheating” mug again. They vow to take him down in the name of Rachel.
But then…they hit us with the “TO BE CONTINUED…” screen. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if this erupts into a full-on ‘Jerry Springer’-esque brawl!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘The Bachelorette,’ click here!