‘Marriage Boot Camp: Family Edition’ Episode 5 Recap: Trashy Fights & Tutus

Your basic Friday night on ‘Marriage Boot Camp’…

It’s time for another episode of Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars: Family Edition, and this week, our cornucopia of reality TV trainwrecks are facing their worst fear– being locked up with their estranged (yet equally fame-hungry) family members!

The episode starts off with the families hearing a blaring alarm and realizing that they are being locked in their bedrooms with the other members of their family. They are given a riddle they must work together to solve in order to open the locks.

“If this was the movie ‘Saw,’ we’d be dead,” Chad says.

While the other families are solving the riddles, the Sorrentino brothers decide that, rather than solving the riddle to open the lock, they will just break it, like any meatheads worth their weight in protein powder would do. The brothers are quite proud of themselves.

“I outsmarted Dr. V and Dr. Ish at their own game,” Marc says proudly.

Somewhere a doll is looking for her hair, and wondering what she did to deserve to get scalped by Farrah…

Farrah continues to be her disrespectful self, and her father Michael is getting fed-up with his daughter. She basically utters her famous line (“Whatever….Michael!”) after her dad dares to say anything, and Michael is getting annoyed.

“I’m not going to be her doormat anymore!” Michael says later in the confession room. “I do have a set of balls!”

Also…ew.

Michael is not only mad at Farrah but also at his ex-wife, Debra. He’s obviously pissed off that Deb has left him alone to deal with the Wicked Witch of the [Fake] Breast, while she’s out canoodling her way to becoming a doctor’s wife!

Surprisingly, though, the other families are getting along well during the challenge.

“Why should I let you read this? Clearly you couldn’t even read the instructions on the back of the condom box!”

Chad and Paula’s clue hints that someone (whose name rhymes with “Maula”) may have a drinking problem.

“Someone in this room puts vodka in their orange juice every morning,” the clue reads.

Paula ain’t no fool. She can read between the lines (when they aren’t blurring together because she has downed a bucket full of Grey Goose before 9 a.m., of course.) She doesn’t deny that she drinks too much but she does take issue with the fact that the producers have gotten her preferred mixer wrong.

“It’s ruby red. I don’t do orange juice,” she snarls.

We stand corrected.

The doctor showing Paula the size of her last drink…

After the drill, the doctors decide they need to confront Paula about her drinking problem. Paula says she has no problem. Telling Paula to stop drinking is like telling Chad to stop having illegitimate children: it just can’t happen!

Maximo, looking to cause a bit of drama until Paula has her next “ruby red” and starts spouting obscenities/suicide requests, takes it upon himself to let Farrah know that the reason her mom, Debra, left Boot Camp was because she was going to get engaged. Farrah is shocked and angry at her mother.

Another stellar ugly-cry offering from Farrah…

“I feel like if this is true, then my mom is all of the things that I do say about her,” Farrah says. “She is a liar, she is hateful and unable to love me.”

This episode is lacking without Debra and her leather pants and crop tops. I hope she’s back by next week, with a suitcase full of frocks fresh from the Walmart junior’s section!

The doctors call everyone in to talk about the drill. They tell the Sorrentinos that they lost because they cheated and used the strength they garnered from Gym-Tan-Laundering for evil.

“Hold on! I’m gonna get me a front row seat for this crap!”

The doctors then tell the families about their next activity. Apparently they want to see the families fight.

Reality TV doctors…they’re just like us!

The docs have the cast reverse roles and try to reenact their fights.

“I love a good role play,” Farrah says.

Yes, we know. We got a gander at your sex tape, Farrah.

During Kendra and Patti’s fake fight, Patti expresses distrust of Kendra’s husband, Hank. Kendra is upset that Patti doesn’t like her husband, but was totally fine with Kendra dating the elderly Hugh Hefner back during her Playboy Mansion days.

“UGH! Could we GET any trashier, Mom?”
“Well…yeah…of course we can!”

“So what makes you okay with me f**king an old guy?” Kendra says.

“I wasn’t okay, yeah a mother wants her daughter to be a whore?” Patti replies.

Kendra says she lived at the Mansion for five years and during that time, Parti Patti was having a blast. Kendra says the moment she packed up and left the Playboy Mansion is the day that Patti started to resent her.

“She was happy with me being at the Playboy Mansion and she didn’t want it to end,” Kendra says.

They should really use this shot for their family Christmas card this year…

The only way this argument could get any trashier is if Patti suddenly ripped off her clothes and screamed, “Take me, Hef! I’m still single!” into the cameras. Or if someone were to throw a shoe or something.

Since the Wilkinsons won by opening up about their sex lives with senior citizens and whatnot, they get to spin the chore wheel for the losing team, those cheating Sorrentinos. The wheel says the men have to wear pink tutus.

Um…how the hell is that a chore? Poor Paula and Chad had to mop the floors!

“No way am I gonna put on a tutu so some creepy blogger can screenshot it and put it in a recap! No way!”

Even though he is getting off easy in the chore department, Marc has a complete meltdown. He can’t stand to go near the pink tutu, and certainly won’t be putting it on.

“If someone tries to make me wear that, I will rip their bleep bleep bleep head off,” Marc says. “I’m more serious than a heart attack.”

To be honest, it looks like Marc may have a heart attack. He’s all red-faced and sweaty and his eyes are all shifty. Pop a Xanax, bro!

“I’m dropping my tutu on the floor because I’m a REAL MAN!”

Maximo and Mike put on their tutus, and since Marc is refusing to do so, he is sent back into the escape room until he can figure out the original puzzle. This is, of course, the first time Marc has had to use his head for anything other than smashing beer cans in a long time, so it’s hard for him. He keeps racing around and sweating.

“Braining” is hard…and stuff…

While Marc is like a rat in a lab, Kendra and Patti (the winners) sit down with the doctors to talk about Hank….again. Dear God, please don’t make us get into Hank’s cheating-but-not-cheating-with-a-transsexual scandal again! Haven’t we suffered enough this episode?!

That’s it for this week!

To read our recap of the previous episode of ‘Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars: Family Edition’ click here!

(Photos: WEtv)

9 Comments

  1. ‘The only way this argument could get any trashier is if Patti suddenly ripped off her clothes and screamed, “Take me, Hef! I’m still single!” into the cameras.’
    Funny thing is, she practically did that very thing at Kendra’s wedding. During her speech, she said something to the extent of, “So Hef, Kendra’s room is empty now, I’ll move in next week, OK?” So cringey… there was something far too serious about it!


    1. By the way Ashley, how do I get a standard little monster profile pic? I’m feeling kinda left out.


      1. @Riley- Hi! I believe that by default the commenting system uses your photo connected to that email, unless you don’t have one, and in that case they give you a monster! -The Ashley


  2. How is it that Kendra has managed to convince the good folks at WE to continue to put her on tv?!?! She has recycled that same, tired, (cough, imaginary, cough) storyline for ages. Isnt it time for some new material? I still don’t buy that whole transsexual thing but Hank should consider auditioning for Days of our Lives. Clearly he can cry on demand–I would just suggestion he avoid trying to ad lib his lines.


  3. I don’t even know why they bothered filming if Deb and her midriff, double belt wearing, hotter-than-evah bod wasn’t there. Maybe she’ll really treat us and return by rolling in on a pair of roller blades.

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