This week, ABC “treated us” to a two-night four-hour Bachelorette “event!” What could be better than spending four hours out of your week watching Rachel and her crew of knuckleheads argue and/or makeout? Well…just about anything, honestly.
Because The Ashley is aware that no one in their right mind would want to read a recap of four hours of footage, she is recapping the first episode, and then just quickly summarizing what happened in the second episode.
Let’s get started before they throw in another “bonus” episode that The Ashley has to recap!
Monday’s episode kicks off where we left off, with Lee and Kenny getting ready to steal some press-on nails from Rachel in order to claw each other’s eyes out. They’re arguing outside on the club balcony, while the rest of the guys are watching and putting bets on who will throw the first punch and/or be the first to be wheeled away on a stretcher.
Meanwhile, Bryan is using the time to slyly move in on Rachel. He’s got her alone on a boat, and is spitting mad game, using keywords such as “love” and “commitment.”
He tells Rachel that the rest of these little boys aren’t worthy of her because they’re more concerned about getting on TV than what’s really important– making out with Rachel. He is, of course, correct.
Lee and Kenny are still arguing, telanova-style, on the balcony. At this point, we really have no idea what the hell these creepnozzles are yelling at each other about. Can we vote them both off the island and move on?
Kenny calls Lee an “ingenuine snake” and a “dime store psychologist” and Lee calls Kenny a “stack of bleeding muscle.”
Sorry, but a producer totally had to coach these guys on what names to call each other. There is no way that either of these knuckleheads came up with those insults on their own!
Finally Lee goes back inside, while Kenny waves to him and yells “Bye, snakey!”
WTF are we watching. Seriously, we need to do better…
Finally Rachel comes into the room to talk to the whole group. Everyone is trying to hide that there’s drama. (Meanwhile Bryan is busy wiping Rachel’s cherry chapstick off of his lips). Rachel awards the date rose to Bryan, which is really not a surprise, since he’s the only guy here who acts like he’s over the age of 17.
“Bryan’s a great guy,” Kenny announces. “He hasn’t snaked anyone. It’s important not to be a bitch-ass dude.”
Lee, of course, keeps poking the bleeding muscle bear that is Kenny, and Kenny keeps yelling that Lee is a bitch. All the other guys are laughing at how ridiculous all of this is.
The next day is Rachel’s one-on-one date with Jack Stone, who is always identified by his first and last name for no apparent reason. They take a carriage ride to an oyster-schucking station.
Jack Stone is thrilled to finally be getting a chance to “schuck” with Rachel. They eat a few oysters and once their breath is thoroughly kicking, they start doing a Southern “shag” dance.
Unfortunately, Jack Stone’s feet somehow got stapled to the floor. We haven’t see this level of white-boy dance moves since the great Sean Lowe.
After the cringeworthy dance sesh that absolutely insured that Jack Stone would never get to actually shag Rachel, the couple takes a stroll. Jack Stone tells us how how much he wants to um, “schuck” Rachel, because they are clearly perfect for each other. They’re both attorneys, they’re both from Dallas and they both have bad oyster breath.
However, Rachel doesn’t seem to be feeling the Jack Stone vibe. He does get in a quick smooch, but Rachel nervous-giggles the whole time. It’s probably because Jack Stone’s face is just kind of…well, stabby. He keeps contorting it and making creepy faces, which certainly isn’t helping the situation.
He keeps trying to maul Rachel, but she is doing her best to get his greasy mitts off of her (and out of her weave!) Come on, bro. You never touch a girl’s weave. Ever.
Something tells me this will not end well for Jack Stone.
Jack Stone and Rachel head to a hotel, where they’ll pretend to eat dinner and Jack Stone will hopefully bust out some more white boy moves in an attempt to woo Rachel.
Rachel tells the cameras that she doesn’t feel romantically attracted to Jack Stone. That may be because Jack Stone resembles Screech during those weird “Saved By The Bell: The New Class” episodes where Screech was too old to be Screech but he needed the money so he stayed on the show.
Meanwhile, the festering sore that is Lee is trying to recruit Will to his side. He’s desperately trying to get Will to admit that Kenny is aggressive, and Will tells Lee that he won’t say that because it’s disrespectful to black men, who are frequently accused of being aggressive. Lee seems to have no idea that being called aggressive is offensive to some black men.
Back on the date, Jack Stone tells Rachel that he wants to take her back to Dallas…and put her in his bed and lock the door.
Nope, nothing remotely creepy about that. It sounds like the start of a ‘Dateline’ episode!
Rachel does not want to be locked in Jack Stone’s bedroom. She looks like she wants to call security, but instead breaks it to
Screech Jack Stone that she’s just not feeling it. She takes the date rose and waves it in his face before sending Jack Stone packing.
He’ll have to find another girl to lock in his bedroom…
The next night, Rachel cancels the cocktail party. She’s probably tired of all these goobers acting like five-year-olds and doesn’t want to listen as they tell on each other. She demands they all just head straight to the Rose Ceremony and all the men are feeling nervous that they won’t get to continue on their “journey” to find love (and/or more free vacations).
Eric surprisingly gets the first rose of the night. The rest of the roses go to Peter, Adam, Will, Matt (wait…who? Are they sneaking new guys in or what? I’ve never seen this dude before.) Alex gets a rose as do Josiah and Anthony.
Kenny is literally using his hand to simulate a snake while he awaits his rose. Girls love that.
Rachel does actually give Kenny a rose, and soon there’s only one rose left.
Gee….I wonder who she’ll give it to!?
“Shockingly” Rachel gives the final rose to Lee, which will ensure at least enough drama to take us into the next episode.
That sends home Iggy (the martyr) and…whatever that Tickle Monster’s name was. He approaches Rachel and says “one for the road” and proceeds to play grab-hands one last time.
“I need to find a girl who appreciates a good tickling!” he tells us.
There are plenty of girls out there like that, Tickle Monster. Most of them charge $100 an hour, but they’re out there! God Speed to ya, bro!
Iggy cries his way out of the house, and the guys cheer as they find out that they will next be heading to Oslo, Norway! (Of course, the majority of the goobers in this group probably thinks they’re heading to a tropical Island or something.)
The gang arrives in Norway and Rachel reminds us that this is not just international fun and games. She’s trying to find herself a husband, y’all! This is no joke!
The men hoot and holler as they survey their hotel suite, and Kenny says that he left all his drama with Lee back in the States. Suuuuuure….
The men meet up with Rachel in a bar, and she asks Bryan on a one-on-one date. Rachel takes Bryan on the city bus, and then to a vantage point with the best view in Norway. (Kudos to Bryan for not using the corny line that Rachel is the best view in Norway. The dude got some points with The Ashley for restraining himself there.)
Rachel announces that they will soon be repelling down the old Olympic ski jump.
“I’m usually afraid to let go mentally more than physically,” Rachel tells us.
I think at this point Rachel is more afraid of letting go of her bowels on national TV. She’s screaming and almost crying, but Bryan is reassuring her. Even though they are suspended mid-air, Bryan manages to mouth-maul her. Rachel finds it sexy.
Later that night, Rachel has shellacked her eyelids with enough Wet ‘n’ Wild glitter eyeshadow to make up a whole junior high women’s soccer team. She is ready to quiz Bryan on why he’s still single if he’s as great as he seems.
Bryan tells Rachel that he’s “truly falling in love with” her and Rachel doesn’t even seem nervous that some dude she met a few weeks ago is already confessing his undying love for her. They’ve literally been on one date. But Rachel digs it and gives him the Date Rose.
The next date card arrives for the group, and it’s revealed that Lee and Kenny will (of course!) be going on a two-on-one date…together. What are the chances?!
Kenny calls his daughter, and gets teared up as he explains that he can’t be with her right now because he still wants to hump Rachel.
Before that horror show can happen, though, the group date must occur. As per usual, they have some ridiculous sporting event set up for these schmucks. They’ll be playing handball…but it’s not the type of handball you played in elementary school by hitting a big red ball against a brick wall. It’s basically a bunch of giant men chucking balls at each other’s heads while wearing extremely tight Spandex suits.
Rachel explains that this is one of the most-popular sports in Norway.
“I think it will be fun for the guys!” Rachel says.
The coach teaches the men how to break each other’s arms and whatnot, and soon it’s time for them to split into teams, play handball (and try to avoid having to pay a copay at some Norwegian hospital.)
The guys get suited up in Richard-Simmons-esque unitards and the tight Spandex suits are giving Rachel a glimpse at the mens’, um, packages. (Dean, however, refused to give Rachel a gander at his goods; he wears his protective cup over his uniform, which I appreciate.) Peter looks especially, um, happy in his unitard.
That night, the men get dressed and head out to have drinks with Rachel. She quickly pulls Will aside because she liked what she saw at the handball game (his athletic skills, not his Norwegian wood.) They have a nice chat and soon they are making out in the corner.
Next up is Josiah, who starts getting super-intense by telling Rachel that he knows she’s the woman for him, and that he’s planning to grow old with her. Rachel looks stunned and reminds Josiah that she hardly knows him, and that he basically knows nothing about her, except for the stuff he read on Twitter before the start of the season.
Rachel is not impressed. She sees right through Josiah and his statements that seem to come straight from those annoying inspiration memes that people post on Facebook.
She is impressed by Peter, though. She notices that he actually tries to get to know her. She rewards Peter by jumping into a hot tub with him. (Wait– where did the random hot rub come from? Do the producers just keep one on the side so they can wheel it into a scene when they think there’s fornication potential?)
Peter finally shakes off and heads back into the room with all the men, who have noticed how long he and Rachel were gone. It’s time for her to give out the Date Rose, and she gives it to Will.
The next day is Kenny and Lee’s two-on-one date with Rachel. All of the men are taking their bets as to which guy will be getting the heave-ho, and a lot of the guys feel bad that Kenny has to go on a date with snakey Lee.
A helicopter arrives and takes the threesome to the wilderness. Lee vows to kill Kenny with kindness, and hopes that Kenny will get aggressive and sink himself.
Kenny starts busting out the cheesy comments.
“It’s hard to decide if the nature is more beautiful, or the woman sitting next to me,” he says.
Be right back…gonna go upchuck my dinner!
Kenny spends his alone time with Rachel to talk about how perfect she is for him. He, of course, can’t keep from mentioning Lee in their conversation. He confesses that he yelled at Lee but…hey, he didn’t break any of the guy’s bones or anything! Leave him alone!
Afterward, they, of course, leave Lee and Kenny alone together without Rachel. (What, is she peeing in the woods or something?) They are hoping that one of the men will start attacking.
During his one-on-one time with Rachel, Lee tells her that Kenny threatened to poop in his boots (as you do), and that Kenny once tried to pull him violently out of a van. Rachel is stunned. Lee isn’t done: He then reveals that Kenny admitted that he has a dark side that only comes out when he drinks.
Also, at this point, Lee’s hair looks like he had it styled a la “There’s Something About Mary.”
Lee returns to where Kenny is, and Rachel looks confused. She vows to figure out the truth, and pulls Kenny aside again. Lee smirks because he knows that his plan to destroy Kenny has probably worked.
Rachel tells Kenny what Lee said. Kenny denies being violent and aggressive. They then send Rachel away so that Kenny can have the chance to beat the hell out of Lee, should he chose to.
“He will get washed under in the tide of realness that is Kenny!” he vows.
The episode ends there, and Tuesday’s episode picks up right where we left out: with Kenny getting ready to beat the BeJesus out of Lee. As stated above, The Ashley is going to give you a brief summary of what happened this episode because…this recap has to end sometime.
Rachel reveals to the men that she does not believe what Lee said about Kenny, and sends him packing. Kenny can’t help but gloat as he and Rachel board the helicopter to continue their date. However, Kenny insists on hoping out of the helicopter, leaving Rachel alone so that he can once again yell at Lee. Rachel, girl, you should have told the helicopter pilot to split right then and there, and left Kenny to his true love: bashing Lee.
The next night is the rose ceremony. Josiah is boasting about how he is the man for Rachel and that there’s no way he will be cut. That, of course, means he will be cut.
Josiah was cut, along with Anthony (the guy who had the semi-cone-head…you know which one I’m talking about.) Josiah is shocked that Rachel kept some of the other, less-egotistical guys over him. Go figure.
Next the gang jets off to Denmark. She gives the first one-on-one date to Eric and they spend the day hot-tubbing, making out and riding weird carny rides. Eric manages to annoy every single person around him…except Rachel, who seems really into him for some reason. She gives him a date rose.
On the group date, Rachel makes a bunch of her guys compete in some ridiculous Viking-style games. It’s the type of thing only lame tourists who found a Groupon would do. Both Kenny and Adam end up requiring stitches, so the scene wasn’t totally worthless.
That night, Rachel sends a still-bleeding Kenny home “for the sake of his daughter.” Suuure. Ol’ Ken wasn’t worried about Baby Bear while he was cashing in on those free trips and makeout sessions. As soon as he realized that he was on his way out, he throws his daughter into the mix and he and Rachel decide “together” that it’s best that he leaves.
Finally, Rachel takes Will on a one-on-one date. Will may be smart and cute but he’s about as dull as a plastic butter knife. Rachel is trying to keep him around, but Will basically books his one-way ticket back to America when he tells Rachel that he doesn’t really date black woman.
She cuts Will lose, and later at the rose ceremony also says goodbye to Alex, the Russian dude who usually wears leggings. That leaves us with Dean, Peter, Eric, Bryan, Matt and Adam battling for Rachel’s heart.
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Bachelorette’ recaps, click here!