‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 8 Episode 1 Recap: A New Mom, A New Baby & the Same Old Jenelle

It’s like he wore this sweatshirt just for The Ashley…

Well Juh-nelle! I see ya back for anotha season of Teen Mom 2, and this time, you’ve brought a new girl and her loser boooooyfriend along with ya!

That’s right kids: It’s time for a brand-new season of ‘Teen Mom 2’ and this season, Teen Mom 3 star Briana DeJesus will join JenelleChelseaKail and Leah as they go on adventures to exciting places such as the family planning aisle at the Walgreens. (They will, of course, be purchasing pregnancy tests and not condoms because…if we don’t have any ‘oopsie’ babies, frankly, we just don’t have a show!)

Let’s get started before another spawn drops from Jenelle’s overworked cervix!

We start things out with a little recap of last season: Jenelle fighting with her mom Babs, and telling her first child, Jace, that she is, once again, about to heave yet another illegitimate child from her loins; Leah getting along with both of her baby daddies and fixin’ to go to school; Chelsea learning she “has a baby in her tummy” and dealing with her baby-daddy Adam, the almighty King of the Cold Sores; and Kail and Javi deciding to divorce after Kail “opened her legs to some dude”…or something.

“My mom said it looked good…”

After they get us all caught up, we head over to Delaware, where Kail is coming face-to-scruffy face with Javi, who has had Lincoln for the last few days. Since we last saw him, Javi has grown a weird, skinny beard-and-mustache-combo. Seriously, it looks like one of those clip-on facial hair things you buy for Halloween.

Kail is somehow managing to avoid cracking up at Javi’s ridiculous facial hair. They discuss their divorce, and reveal that they are just two signatures away from being able to bone whatever hooligan they want (well, without having to hide their wedding rings first anyway.)

“I will not laugh at his beard. I will NOT laugh at his beard. Crap…”

“This is it!” Javi says. “We made it!”

Javi bids Kail farewell with a kiss on the cheek, which is a far cry away from where these two were last season, with Javi scaling walls and breaking into the house while Kail was on the crapper.

“Now I just need to knock someone up out of wedlock and I’ll move up the ‘Teen Mom 2’ cast member ranks for sure!”

Javi heads to his lawyer’s office and comes back out a while later with divorce papers. He then announces to his pal Alvin (who is sans “Chipmunks” for the moment) that he is officially divorced.

Javi is proud to have reached this milestone in a ‘Teen Mom’ cast member’s life. (He still has a long way to go, though, if he wants to compete with the reigning divorce queen, Leah.)

Speaking of Leah, it’s about time we head on down to the bowels of West Virginia to see what the Messer/Calvert/Simms clan is up to.

Last season, Leah made the decision to return to college, and today is her first day of school. Even though “the schools aren’t well” in West Virginia, Leah’s gonna give it her best shot to get a college degree. (This, of course means she’ll go for about three months and then announce on Facebook that she’s “taking a semester off” to focus on her kids or something).

“It’s probably not even worth asking if there are Lunchables, right?”

Leah’s realizing how ding-dang early she’s going to have to get up if she wants to have time to get herself and her herd ready to do school…and still have time to swing by the gas station to fetch them a nutritious breakfast. It’s exhausting, y’all!

She sends in Ali to beat Aleeah until she wakes up, while Leah digs through the clothes pile on the couch to find some clean frocks for the kids to wear.

“You best be wershin’ yer teeth!”

Wouldn’t you know it, though, that those youngins are causin’ a ruckus on Leah’s first day of school! Addie is refusing to brush her teeth. (Couldn’t Leah just put some toothpaste on the toothbrush and tell the kid that it’s Duncan Hines frosting?)

Finally she gets all the kids out the door and into the car. The twins are each carrying a baby and, at first glance it seems that Leah has shot two more kids out in the months since we’ve seen her but, thankfully they’re just baby dolls.

Speaking of babies, Chelsea and Cole are preparing for the birth of their son, who is due in a few weeks. Chelsea is explaining to her friends what it’s like having a human “right above your vag.” Other Chelsey listens intently, imagining the day that she, too, will have a baby resting comfortably on her lady parts.

If they start talking about how they didn’t want their parents to find out they were having sex…I’m outta here.

It’s like watching Chelsea’s 16 and Pregnant episode all over again…except that now Chelsea can afford to wear MAC eyeliner instead of Wet ‘n’ Wild, and she’s sitting in a jumbo house that teen pregnancy bought her, instead of her dad’s house.

Every ‘Teen Mom 2’ fan’s face whenever someone suggests that maybe this season Adam will change…

Other Chelsey asks the regulatory question about Adam, and Chelsea tells her that Adam is still just as much of a drain on society as he was last season. Aubree has been telling Chelsea that Adam is often “sick” when she goes to his parents’ house to visit him.

Chelsea has “heard” that Adam, like the West Virginia schools, is not well.

Chelsea is happy, though, that her second child will have a good father in Cole.

“This kid is really lucky,” Chelsea says.

Speaking of lucky kids, there aren’t any in Jenelle’s Swampland of Horrors. She’s got plenty of kids running amok and a baby girl on the way, so Jenelle is stressed…dude. There are kids sharting, farting and darting in all directions, but luckily Jenelle has her ever-present sidekick Lurch to help wrangle them…at least enough to keep their names out of the papers.

“And WHO’S freakin’ kids are these, dude?! Oh…they’re mine? All of them? Damn.”

It’s Christmas time, but things are hardly jolly at Casa de Jenelle. The family is preparing to move into their swamp shack very soon, and the move is making things very stressful.

To top it off, their new house isn’t ready yet and their old house is apparently plagued with mold.

Um…did anyone check the dark corners of the house to make sure it’s not just Kieffer? That green sweatshirt outta be pretty ripe and moldy by now. Perhaps that’s what is causing the mold issue?

“It’s like them eyebrows are gonna jump right of your face and eat me!”

Lurch has gotten his big, oafy mitts on a Christmas tree (which he probably pulled from the neighbor’s front yard) and he’s just awkwardly hugging it. (He may or may not just be trying to edge away from Jenelle’s eyebrows, which appear to be about to eat her nose at this point.)

Lurch is very concerned about the mold situation, and insists that he and Jenelle and their gaggle of offspring move to a hotel to protect themselves. Still, though, Lurch and the kids decide to decorate the Christmas tree, despite the dangerous mold fibers swirling around them. He hands Kaiser a glass bulb and the kid immediately throws and shatters it. (I’d like to believe he was aiming at Lurch’s giant dome, but that’s just me.)

Of course, Kaiser gets screamed at for the deed.

“Um…did NONE of you read that ‘If you or someone you know has been a victim of domestic violence’ warning screen? Pick up your damn phones and help me, people!”

“Come get him…or something!” Lurch yells to Jenelle in disgust as he examines his broken ornament.

Um…relax, guys. McDonald’s will be offering its collectible holiday ornament collection again next year. One extra value meal order and you can get the broken bulb replaced.

Jenelle argues that her massive pregnancy belly prevents her from bending down and picking up the kid. Lurch grabs Kaiser with his giant paws and literally just swings him to the floor to get him away from all the Christmas stuff. Kaiser just sits there stunned (although he should be used to this crap by now), and starts to cry.

Jenelle is aggravated, dude, and tells Lurch she’s had it with Kaiser. He agrees. (Maybe they can stuff Kaiser into a Christmas basket and leave him on Barbara’s doorstep with a note that says “From: Anonymous”?)

When you have to pour milk into a bottle for your son…and it’s no fair at all because you’re pregnant…

Jenelle shovels her sperminated self off the couch, screaming that’s it’s no fair that “the pregnant one” has to deal with her own children. She picks Kaiser up like he’s a bag of chicken feed, dangling him from one side and drops him into his Crib of Doom. (Hopefully a production assistant will go in and turn the kid every few hours?) She then aggressively makes him a bottle of milk.

Meanwhile, the older kids hang ornaments awkwardly, looking sad and scared that they, too, will be locked up in a dark room should they dare break one of Jenelle’s precious “FryGuy” holiday ornaments.

Back in Delaware, Javi has a new title on his little torn-piece-of-paper-thingy. He is now billed as “Kail’s ex-husband” which is kind of special. He’s chatting with Producer J.C. and mentions that he’s heading to L.A. to “shoot a special.”

Looking at you, Javi, showing off that new title!

He’s excited to be heading out as a single man for the first time in years, and mentions that Briana will also be in Los Angeles. Javi packs up his toothbrush and heads off to California.

We watch as Javi meets up with Briana at the studio in LA. They’re old pals (even though Briana’s daughter Nova refuses to go anywhere near Javi.)

“Hey there, Papi!”

Javi mentions that Briana’s mom (the unforgettable, shoe-throwing Roxanne) had tried hooking him up with Briana, but now that she’s got the illegitimate seed of another guy in her uterus, he’s not really interested.

Briana says she’s excited to join the ‘Teen Mom 2’ cast, and then tells Javi all about her baby daddy #2, Luis. Briana explains that they are together and that they are probably going to “move in with each other soon.”

Tale as old as time……

“I may be pregnant but I can still show you a good time, Sailor!”

Briana says she was “caught by surprise” by this pregnancy. I mean, just because she let some hooligan have sex with her without any birth control, who would have thought she’d get pregnant! If only she had known that unprotected sex could result in a baby! If only there was, like, some kind of show on TV that talks about preventing unwanted pregnancies!

Oh…wait.

We get to go back to Florida with Briana and get more info on her life and unplanned pregnancy. We learn that Briana’s first baby daddy Devoin (aka Papichulo… #NeverForget) is still a piece of crap dad (so…he’ll fit right in here!)

“We’re thinking of naming her Cuervo, after the magical thing that brought us together!”

Briana is now five months pregnant with Luis’ kid, and she’s hoping that he will be a better dad than Devoin is. That would certainly be the cherry on top of Briana and Luis’ Disney-esque love story. After meeting at ‘da club’ Briana and Luis humped for about a month before he knocked her up.

This will go down in history as one of the greatest love stories of our time, y’all! It’s right up there with Leah and Corey banging in the back of his F-100 on prom night and her finding out she had two “oopsie” babies in her teenage loins shortly after.

Luis is quite the charmer. When Briana complains about feeling fat, Luis knows just what to say to make her feel better.

“Ok, fine, you look good. Now can I have three dollars to go buy a Slurpee?”

“You look good…for being pregnant,” he says before delivering another meme-worthy line.

“I thought you was gonna be all swollen and have Miss Piggy nose and all that,” he says.

W…T…F. 

Since she’s knocked up by some rando, obviously the best thing for Briana to do would be to move her and her daughter in with this dude she hardly knows.

Over in South Dakota, Chelsea is preparing for her diaper keg. It’s kind of like a baby shower, but instead of women coloring eggs (or whatever horrible activities they make you do at baby showers), everyone drinks beer and brings diapers.

Chelsea and Other Chelsey go shopping for balloons, and they have trouble stuffing all of the balloons into Chelsea’s Mercedes. They have to use a crew member’s car to put the rest in. #TeenMom2MomProblems

Daaang! Other Chelsey’s looking good! Get it, girl!

Later, it’s time for the party and everyone is there: South-Dee-Ko-Tah Mary, Randy, Aubree and even Landon, Chelsea’s fabulous hairdresser friend. The guests all chug beer from baby bottles (as you do) and a good time is had by all.

Over in North Carolina, though, no one is having a good time, especially not Jenelle, who is having a hard time, dude.

It’s nice to see Jenelle using a broom for its intended purpose…for once.

She’s found out that her old house definitely has mold, so she and Lurch and the kids are moving into another rental house until their Swampland Dream Home is ready. Lurch has prowled outside the local parole office to find some guys who can help him move the family’s stuff into the new place. However, they are more interested in guzzling the MTV-paid-for beer in the house than moving stuff.

Kaiser has managed to escape his crib (since they had to put it in the truck and you’re not allowed to keep kids in moving trucks…and stuff), so he’s hanging out with Jenelle. He keeps throwing tantrums and Jenelle is losing it. Doesn’t Kaiser know she’s pregnant, dude? WTF.

“Feet don’t fail me now!”

Jenelle starts talking to Lurch about ordering food, and that’s when Kaiser sees his chance. He takes off running, desperate for a life free of The Crib of Doom and dealing with these knuckleheads’ drama. He knows that Brandon’n’Teresa are only a few hours away, and he’s determined to make it to their house by sundown and beg them to adopt him.

When you’re helping your friend move…but also looting his house…

Unfortunately, he only makes it to the driveway before Pregasaurus Jenelle grabs him and shovels him back into her moldy abode. Jenelle says that she’s doing a great job watching Kaiser so Lurch and his assortment of beer-gutted hoodlums should be able to keep moving crap.

Lurch suggests that Jenelle take Kaiser to the new house, but Jenelle is fearful that, if she’s alone, the kid will be able to escape her clutches.

Over in West Virginia, Leah is positively giddy about being a school gal again. She’s driving around town and talking to her pal Liz on the phone. (Wait…who the hell is Liz? What happened to Chasity? I miss Chasity!)

“Fine arts? I hope we’re gonna make some of them macaroni picture portraits!”

She heads into her English class, where we can assume the first few weeks will be spent teaching the students that “was” and “were” are not interchangeable.

After school, Leah drops the twins off with Corey. Addie screams that she wants her dad too, but it’s not his turn to show up at the rest stop. Addie doesn’t understand the concept of kids having the same mom but different dads. Obviously, she hasn’t been watching this show very long…

“Oh, did I tell you about Javi’s new beard?!”

Meanwhile, Kail is chatting with her “soul sister” Kristen on FaceTime. She tells her friends that her new boo is not interested in becoming a plotline for a trash-tastic ‘Teen Mom 2’ episode, therefore he is not allowing the network to put him on an episode or use his name. This is not because he’s shy, though.

“He probably just doesn’t want his other hoes to know about me,” Kail says.

Tale as old as time!

When you know your baby-mama’s gonna be knocked up again by next month but you don’t want to say it because she’ll throw you through the wall…

Later that night, Jo comes over to pick up Issac and chat with Kail about her divorce and their co-parenting. Kail declares she’s never getting married again, and when asked about her relationship, she says it’s a “not solid” situation so she’s not down to talk about it on-camera right now.

She gets up, locks the front door and says she’s going to bed while Jo sits in the living room awkwardly. So…does he have to sleep on the living room floor or…?

In North Carolina,  Lurch has recruited yet another guy to stand around and drink beers with in front of the moving truck. Jenelle is, of course, aggravated dude, because she wants her soulmate to be spending this time lugging her piles of Victoria’s Secret PINK sweatpants to the new house.

“My ankle monitor’s buzzing! I’ve gotta split, bro!”

Soon, it’s time for Lurch’s friends to go home. (Surely they have to be in by their court-set curfews.) Jenelle is mad that they didn’t get much of the moving done, and that Lurch didn’t get the keys to the new house before the real estate office closed for the day.

“I’ll freak out, you know that, if I have to stay in this house another day!” Jenelle declares.

Um….to be fair, she’s probably going to freak out if she stays in the house… or at a hotel…or the new house…or the city park she and Kieffer used to call home. It really doesn’t matter where she is.

“David mad. David throw things.”

Lurch tells Jenelle that she was able to go get the keys herself, but she again blames poor Kaiser. Jenelle and Lurch start screaming at each other, and soon Lurch is just chucking pieces of cardboard onto the lawn. Kaiser manages to escape being tossed out onto the front lawn, but soon he’s right in the middle of the soulmates’ screaming match.

This has all the potential to end up in a new mugshot for both Lurch and Jenelle! These are exciting times, guys!

Soon, Jenelle retreats to her moldy bedroom to sob and scream. Lurch tries inform Jenelle that she can’t just sit in there and cry  and let her son run amok.

“Come out, Jenelle, so we can go punch holes in the doors of the other house!”

“Here’s Kaiser again!” Lurch says, trying to deposit the poor kid in the room with Jenelle.

Jenelle doesn’t want Kaiser either. She keeps slamming the door on Lurch and Kaiser while screaming her trademarked phrase, “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Finally Lurch decides to just sit on the bed and wait for instruction from Jenelle. So…business as usual at Casa de Jenelle, basically.

Later that night, Lurch finally coaxes Jenelle out of the room, and she and Kaiser come outside to get into the car. Kaiser is screaming and Lurch is over it. He just shoves the kid into the car (knocking his head on the door frame on the way in, naturally).

Kaiser obviously doesn’t want to go. He probably figures that life in the Mold Mansion is safer than being moved to another location with his crapgoblin parents.

Jenelle drives to a hotel but is a blubbering mess, so the producer comes to talk to her. Jenelle reveals that she just texted David that he’s starting to remind her of her ex.

“I don’t understand why I don’t got no friends, dude!”

Um…you’re gonna have to be more specific, there, Jenelle. Which soulmate are we talking about here?

Jenelle reads her texts to David, all while Kaiser is piled, Addie-style, in the backseat with boxes and coats and trash and whatnot. Jenelle keeps screaming at him to shut up, and finally just goes outside to talk crap on David.

“I wonder if there’s an extra seat in Leah’s English class for Jenelle?”

“He could have done so many more phone calls!” Jenelle declares while the producer just stands there looking like she’s praying for sweet death to save her from this mess.

Jenelle complains that she keeps buying stuff for David but he keeps hanging out with his friends.

“But I don’t have no f**king friends!” Jenelle says.

Oh, that’s because you’re awful, Jenelle. Just FYI.

Meanwhile in South Dakota, Chelsea and Cole devise a birth plan. She also informs Cole that she’s worried she will poop during labor. She doesn’t have too much time to worry about it, though, because her water breaks that night and she delivers baby Watson Cole an hour later. It’s a birth that any Duggar girl would have been envious of!

“I am so lucky…I was thisclose to becoming Jenelle’s kid!”

We don’t get to see Chelsea huff and puff the baby out, but we are treated to a series of post-birth snapshots. It’s possibly one of the most anti-climatic ‘Teen Mom’ births ever. Surely, we can count on Jenelle to deliver footage of herself strapped to an oxygen machine and moaning when she expels the Spawn of Lurch from her body in an episode or so.

Over in Orlando, Briana, Brittany and Nova are at LegoLand, spending some of that newly made MTV money.

Briana tells her sister that she’s excited to move in with Luis because it means she’s becoming an adult. Um…, girl, you got knocked up (again!) after throwing back five Jose Cuervo shots at the club, and now the guy’s moving in with you to mooch off that MTV paycheck. That’s not exactly adulting.

“You really want to start acting like an adult? Then stop getting knocked up by random dudes, for starters…”

“I didn’t ever think I’d get pregnant again so I didn’t even bother getting on birth control,” Briana explains.

Wait…what? Somebody obviously didn’t go to itsyoursexlife.com!

Later that night, Roxanne explain why she was mortified to find out that Briana was dumb enough to get knocked up again.

“Is there any chance we can convince Javi that he’s the father? Any way at all?”

They then regale us with the tale of the day they all went down to good ol’ Abortion Clinic. (They tell this story while Nova is sitting right there, of course. You could argue that Nova is too young to know what an abortion is but…that’s highly unlikely given that she’s growing up in a house with these people.)

Briana says that she decided not to get the abortion because the guy who knocked her up this time is 31 and should be mature enough to handle his kid. He even has an eight-year-old kid already (who lives far away, which is always a good sign that he’ll stick around for your kid!)

“I gave that man a month of my life…and my uterus!”

The next day, Briana and her friend Shirley are living it up at the empty burger shop, but Briana is worried about getting fat. Shirley (do people really name their kid Shirley these days? Is that a code name or something?) tells Briana that her straight-from-da-club-soulmate, Luis, may be sleeping with some other broad.

Briana says that the story is “suspect,” given that she’s pregnant. 

They snoop on the girl’s Instagram and they see that Luis has been liking her photos. Oh helllll no! Briana decides to text the girl in question and ask if she was getting diddling by Luis before or after Briana got knocked up. The girl requests that they talk in person but…we’ll have to wait until next week to find out if Luis did, indeed, do the diddle.

Briana has just brought ‘Teen Mom 2’ to a whole new level of trashy…if that’s even possible!

Until next week, kids!

To read The Ashley’s other reality TV recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

56 Comments

  1. Wasn’t it just last season jenelle and lurch claimed that kaiser has no behavior issues? And that there’s no need to discuss discipline with Nathan bc (and I quote) “he acts perfectly fine when he’s with us”?


  2. ” Pregasaurus Jenelle” had me dying laughing for hours ? It is truly terrifying how Kaiser is treated, he can do anything w/o getting yelled at.

    Kailyn is quickly becoming my most hated teen mom. All javi is doing is trying to be civil and have a conversation. God forbid javi acts 5% the way she does to her, she would throw the biggest fit. I’m still amazed at the fact that when she had a miscarriage she said she didn’t want any more children so she could focus on her “career and school” but few months later is pregnant by some random. Its a slap in the face to javi

    Even tho Chelsea has had a lot of help from her dad. And has an annoying baby voice. She’s still a really good mom and all around person (can’t say that for more than half of these teen moms) and she’s raised Aubree by herself w/o any real help from Adam. I wouldn’t be able to deal with Adam if I were her.

    Good to see Leah coming back to this planet, still feel like she acts it up for the cameras a bit.


  3. Jenelle is so selfish. She is so mean to Kaiser, but refuses to do whats right and give him up for adoption or get her attitude in check and take motherhood seriously…instead she acts like he’s the red headed step child….I can’t stand Lurch at all, but he was right…she had ALL DAY to go to a hotel but she refused because she didn’t want to take care of Kaiser (HER responsibility…that’s her kid, not David’s) by herself…Shes still crying about getting Jace back when she can’t even take care of Kaiser…She only wants him back is to spite Barb and because his terrible 2’s and 3’s are over…The girl is insane. I don’t see much hope for Kaiser….his mother is Jenelle, his father is Nathan, and his stepfather is David…..Kaiser was dealt such a crappy hand and he is seriously screwed


    1. Right! It was founded when Amber beat up Gary so why is nothing being done about a toddler being shoved to the floor and grabbed up by his arm? I literally feel worried for Kaiser. He is the resident whipping boy and middle child they don’t care about because he is a reminder of Nathan. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenelle feels like Kaiser is in the way and ruins their family dynamic because of Nathan. He needs to get his shit together and fast. I feel like Kaiser may get more love and patience with Nate than Jenelle and David. I used to worry about Jace but now my concern is Kaiser being a maladjusted kid/teen/adult with so many issues one day. I wish she would give him to a family that loves and wants him.


  4. Me too ?. I wanna hug him and kiss him and just take him to an open field and kick a ball with him and watch him laugh and tire himself out from happiness. He deserves someone to love him and be patient with him. I couldn’t imagine treating my son or any child that way. Kaiser is the resident whipping boy and it’s disgraceful to see. They don’t deserve Kaiser. I actually feel like he is safer and will get more love with Nathan. I wish Nathan would get his shit together for Kaiser’s sake.


  5. Can’t stop laughing at the recaps!! Juh nelle and David make me sick!! Kaiser needs a court appointed advocate, because he’s definitely been abused. Anybody else think Kailyn’s ink is gross?


    1. Gawd yes…her ink is nasty, but matches her stinky-ass attitude!Also, Kaiser needs help…shame on MTV for filming this and not doing anything!! Are they afraid they won’t be invited to film the wedding of the year (in the swamp)? I don’t know who I despise more these days…Briana is in the running now too with all of her nonsense talk about adoption…we all know damn well that she’s keeping her paycheck…I mean baby…it secures her spot for next season!!


  6. Can’t stop laughing at the recaps!! Poor Kaiser!! He’s in an awful mess! Juh nelle and David as parental units. EEEWWW!!


  7. Yes, they are def abusing & neglecting Kai. Poor baby. He looks like Nathan, i bet that is why she hates him. This is very common in abusive households, one child is singled out for whatever reason & is abused by parent or step-parent or both. Jace & Marissa are very subdued while jenelle & david are going back & forth & being mean to Kai. So the abuse is ongoing. And prob has been for a while.
    Also, why the eff is Janelle acting like Kai is David’s responsibility? She is such a bitch to David…which is how she was w Nathan when preggo w kai & he realized she is a fucking vengeful, manipulative lunatic & brought up abortion.
    David, run.
    Cps, take all them kids away & put them w families that want them.
    Jenelle, go on & become an addicted ho already, like you are destined to become anyway


    1. I definitely agree…everyday that she’s with Kaiser, she’s reminded of Nathan…Kaiser is a spitting image of Nathan….but that’s what she CHOSE. Her and Nathan were actively trying to make a baby, but its like nobody told these 2 idiots that you couldn’t leave the baby at home like a dog or a cat and only bring him out for photo ops. If only Jenelle would give up her parental rights again and give Kaiser to a LOVING family.


  8. I fucking hate Jenelle it is disgusting how so many people want children and she pops them out like nothing yet she abuses them. Jenelle is abusive toward her children and she allows her flavor of the month to also abuse her children. Jenelle has not changed and never will. The way she and David treated Kaiser was sickening. I hope CPS takes away all her children! To think it is even worse when cameras are not rolling….


  9. I feel so scared for Kaiser. I don’t want to see that kid hurt or worse, DEAD! Because if they will be neglecting him like that, I am really afraid of what can happen to him, imagine how he now feels as the middle child! I always thought Jace will be a teen dad but Kaiser will prob be as well. AND WHERE THE HELL IS NATHAN?! I know he is no saint but at least he is happy with him while being miserable with Lurch…..SOMEONE HELP THIS BABY! He is so adorable but Jenelle and UBT are terrible to him.

    Briana, weren’t you talking (tweeting) just last year how you want someone to knock you up?! So I don’t buy it for a second she didn’t know she could get pregnant or didn’t expect it. Maybe she didn’t think it will happen so fast? Still, it was an EXPECTED pregnancy! And getting moved in just cuz of that is a PERFECT recipe for a long-lasting relationship, esp getting pregnant A MONTH after meeting!

    Kail was pregnant here already, they just didn’t know it, right? HA, I am sure Javi’s face will be priceless (so will Jo’s) when she tells him!

    Leah, good job! Stick to it and you will finish just like Kailyn!

    Watson’s newborn photos are the cutest, aw!


  10. Just peed my pants! Lovely reprt. Specially about Chelsea. Everybody acts like she is perfect but she could not drag her lazy ass off the couch first seasons. Thank god for Daddy..


  11. From “LEAVE ME ALONE!” to “I have no one.” in under an hour. Not sure who was the bigger toddler there. Jenelle or her actual toddler son.


  12. Briana is insufferably stupid and childish not to use protection. She could have caught STD’s and of course you will get pregnant.
    And now she is rewarded with the job. I wonder how long she knew this job might come up.


  13. Ashley, thank you for calling out Jenelle’s stupid assed eyebrow situation. It seems the only thing she’s actually able to do in her perma-preggers state is make an even bigger mess of her face. I’m not being mean or snarky when I say that Kaiser’s eyes sometimes appear to cross. She needs to take that baby to a doctor and have that corrected. He probably just needs some glasses. I guess that would require her to worry about someone other than herself though!


  14. Jenelle treats Kaiser like the red-headed stepchild. The poor kid, I really feel for him. I wonder if she will treat Ensley this way once she’s a toddler? Oh it’s Jenelle..who am I kidding, she will probably take a year off from parenting and vacation around the world because toddlers are too hard to handle, dude.


    1. I think it depends on how long Lurch sticks around – I think, also, she really really wanted a little girl. Kaiser being a boy was a huuuge disappointment in her eyes. She already had Jace, she wanted a girl. Hence why he’s treated so badly, child of ex-boyfriend and not girl. I imagine she’ll dote on Ensley like a doll, though probably not give her the best care.


  15. Honestly, can Kail look any more like a miserable, angry at the world, walking potato than she already does?

    For me, this may very well be at least one of the reasons baby daddy #3 wants to keep a fair distance away from her. No doubt, he probably binge-watched several years of Her Royal Miserable-ness on Teen Mom2, and now knows what he’s truly in for. #goodluckwiththat


    1. I’m really confused about Kail’s baby daddy #3. He’s smart enough to keep his ass off TV, yet he was dumb enough to nut inside this miserable moose. Does not compute!


      1. I’m trying not to laugh… miserable moose ?. And poor Kaiser looking for Brandon &a Theresa! Honestly, that child is discarded like trash. It’s heartbreaking.


    2. I literally got so annoyed at her last nite, more than usual. I want to throat punch that miserable hag!!! I think I despise her more than Farrah, almost. I wanted to hop on Twitter and/or IG and rip into her!!! She is absolutely awful towards Javi. And she’s just a miserable, awful human!!!! UGH!!!! I dont even know her, but I hate her! If I ran into her, I’d go off!


      1. It’s funny you mention Farrah – as I was watching I was thinking she’s the Farrah of Teen Mom 2 – she doesn’t have time for this conversation, this conversation is over, no don’t do that, no don’t do this, I’m going to bed byeeee. I’m pretty sure we’ve seen Farrah do the exact same shit with the exact same attitude. It’s getting to the point where I want to skip Kail’s scenes the way I do Farrah’s.


  16. Jenelle’s children continue to break my heart. And now there’s poor Maryssa in the mix too. They all just seem so scared and worried. And poor baby Kaiser roll. He seems to get it the worst. The verbal and physical abuse that is inflicted on this toddler is painful to watch. It feels so wrong to watch a real baby being abused on tv (part of the reason I don’t actually watch anymore). He can’t help being a toddler since that’s what he is. Toddlers will break things, they will run, and they will cry. All this poor baby needs is some positive attention and affection. I have never once seen Jenelle cuddle this baby or even smile at him (unless it’s for a posed picture). Instead she acts like pouring milk for him is too much of a burden. She loves the attention she gets from being pregnant and she loves milking it as if pregnant women haven’t been taking care of toddlers since the beginning of time. But, mothering? Oh no, that’s not for Jenelle. Thankfully, Jace gets to escape that sh!tstorm. But this is a never-ending nightmare for Kaiser, Maryssa, and Ensley.

    I can’t believe this recap left out that Leah misplaced the kids’ toothbrushes! More like she didn’t buy her kids toothbrushes and was trying to play it cool in front of the camera crew. I can’t imagine the dentist bills for the girlses. At least Ali and Aleeah brush their teeth at Corey’s. But, Addy, the frosting fiend? Her teeth will be rotting by the time she’s 6.

    Briana is boring and I don’t care. Kail is still being b!tchy. Chelsea still has her life together.


    1. But, Addie brushed her teeth last night! The toothbrush sprouted legs and walked out of the tiny bathroom. That’s the only obvious explanation.

      But it’s OK, she had her swish with “mouthwash”.


  17. Does anyone know what’s wrong with Roxanne’s health? In the episode she said her health is rapidly declining 🙁


  18. I’ve never personality known any couples who were trying to adopt before.. but I seriously had a moment where I cried for the all the amazing women and men out there who are so ready to be parents, and love and nurture a child, but physically aren’t able to!! I realized how horrible it must be to want a child so badly, and then have to see stupid bitches like jenelle constantly all over the place, who just breed because they can- So horrible!

    On a happier note this recap did make the icky feelings wash away I had after watching this crap! thanks The Ashley!


  19. The part of the episode that really bothered me was at the end, when Jenelle threw a temper tantrum that she had no one and was alone. She has three children, two of whom depend on her daily to care for them. Many of us feel alone sometimes. It’s difficult, but you carry on and have to out on a strong from when you have tiny humans counting on you. She’s hormononal and she’s Jenelle, so I’m willing g to concede that not every parenting moment will be perfect. I can even forgive the whole moving fiasco, appalling as it was. But her tantrum at the end really infuriated me. She doesn’t have no one, she has three babies counting on her to do better.


  20. I am kind of disappointed you didn’t mention the saddest and sweetest moment with Javi and the kids. Isaac is just the sweetest kid ever, and Lincoln is the cutest. It was honestly touching seeing his two boys comfort him. Kail was disgusting as always, she has some serious mental and empathy issues. I wonder how much regret she will able to feel once her children get older and able to watch themselves grow up. I am sure they will have anger and resentment toward her and especially since Javi is such positive and caring influence in their lives.

    Kail was equally foul and disgusting in the second episode of the season tonight also. Javi has an ocean of patience to able to talk to her while she spits hostile and hateful words out.


  21. And that’s how they treat the kids KNOWING there are cameras on! Imagine how badly they treat them when there are no cameras.
    Jenelle never does a thing to actually be a mother to her kids. All she wants to do is go on fun trips or activities like the beach, Legoland, etc. so she can post her stupid “happy family” photos on Instagram. And her idiot fans and followers are right there telling her what an awesome mom she is and how terrible it is that Barb won’t give Jace back. Scary that all those young girls actually think she’s a good mother. SCARY.
    If you listen closely, every time she gets in a fight with whoever her current soulmate is, they usually mention in the midst of the screaming something like “you don’t even watch your kids, all you do is lay in bed on your phone all day”.
    I’ve literally never seen her be motherly or nurturing or loving to any of her kids. She likes the attention of being pregnant and thinks she’s going to play house and prove to her haters she’s in a happy family. But when she’s actually with her kids, it’s like she’s a rando babysitter. She only wants Jace to get back at her mom and to prove us all wrong. But can you even see her sitting down and playing a game with him, or getting out of bed to play kickball with him? Homework? Inviting his friends over for lunch? It’s laughable. She traumatizes him by screaming about his Meme who he loves, and threatens that she’ll never see him again if she gets custody. Jenelle! That right there is being a BAD MOTHER. Jace loves his grandmother. Taking him away and not letting him have a relationship with her isn’t just hurting your mom. It’s hurting JACE. BADLY. He would be scarred for life. You can’t just do that. If you loved him and wanted to put him first, you wouldn’t even dream of cutting off contact between him and his Meme.


    1. The thought of Janelle helping her child with homework, or cooking a nutritious dinner (have we ever seen Kaiser eat any food other than hot dogs and pizza?), or providing her child with loving, positive attention is almost as laughable as Janelle getting a job in the medical fields and “saving lives”. Good one, Janelle.


  22. Like almost everyone else commenting, I’m also concerned for Kaiser. If this is the way he is treated when cameras are rolling, I cringe to think of how he is treated when MTV is not around.

    Brianna’s story is boring, I don’t know why they added her to the mix. Just because she got knocked up again doesn’t mean she will bring anything worthwhile to the show. I felt embarrassed for her throughout the whole episode.

    Kail really annoys me, she is on a reality show but yet she wants to play all coy about her life. And why does she look like crap all the time? You’re on fricking TV woman!


  23. Thank you for your hilarious recap The Ashley 😀 Your captions are the best! I was so appalled at how badly Kaiser was treated. Jenelle and David were WAY too rough with him and really don’t seem to get that if you are doing something as stressful as moving, you should probably get someone else to watch your toddler if you can’t handle watching him. She obviously has trouble watching him while pregnant and NOT moving, so why not have him spend time with man-bun Nathan or Nathan’s mom? I would include Barbara, but I don’t think she spends time with Kaiser. Jace and David’s daughter looked super worried, so it’s pretty obvious they get tense and probably scared when Jenelle and David fight (which must be often based on their body language). I feel so sad for kids in bad situations, so I hope that things get better for them soon.


  24. Ok, not a fan of UBT, but I do have to say that he puts up with alot of Duhnelles sh!t, especially during the whole moving situation. She acts like shes completely immobile. Youre pregnant!!!! Youre not an invalid!! David was busting his a$$, and all she did was stand around & whine, “oh, poor me. Wahwah!” Why couldnt she take Keiser roll for a drive or something? Take a stroller & you dont have to chase him. Go walk around by the water. Do something instead of just bitching!!


  25. Every single time I hear Jenelle whining about Babs not giving back her son, I want to take her by the shoulders and shake her and remind her that SHE is the one that (in essence) gave her kid away to Babs. It isn’t like Babs swooped in, took the kid, moved to the Midwest, and changed his name to Billy in an effort to keep Jace away from Jenelle. It was JENELLE that signed the paper saying she didn’t want to take care of her kid.

    If I were Babs, I think I’d be trying to get my hands on Kaiser, too. But maybe for Kaiser she’ll have to swoop in, take the kid, move to the Midwest, and change his name to Brioche or something. I wonder how long it will take Jenelle to notice Kaiser is gone, I mean, she IS busy being pregnant, dude. Oh my God leave her alone, dude!


  26. Jenelle expects everyone to take care of her children, except herself! She is one of the most pathetic “mothers” I have ever seen! Poor kids.


  27. Jenelle practically throwing Kaiser into his high chair made me so angry. You don’t take your anger out on anybody, let alone a two year old child. I still can’t believe these poor children are going to be raised by this woman. She can’t control her emotions. She is not a “stable” parent in the slightest. I feel so bad for her kids.


  28. These chicken heads kill me with that bs about “I didn’t think I could get pregnant.” Umm didn’t we go down this road already? How many abortions and births have you had already?

    Don’t even get me started on Jackass Jenelle and Lurch. I have no idea why clips of how they treat the little Keiser roll can’t be used to get CPS to remove those kids from the house. Jenelle should have her tubes ripped out with rusty pliers. She is not fit to raise dogs much less children. I know if that were my child, and I saw the way that they treated Keiser, I would go stomp a mudhole in Lurch and Jenelle’s asses.


  29. Briana’s segments really bored me. I still think Mtv adding her to the cast was really stupid. It’s too late in the game for that.


    1. I’m was checking in to say that reading about the way Kaiser was and is treated hurt me physically. He really got a bum deal being born to Jennelle and Nathan. Someone needs to rescue him before he has no hope of a decent future.


      1. Completely agree. And he just looks so SAD!!! As I mom, I want to grab him up and play with him like he deserves!


    2. Jenelle has never had to raise a toddler on her own before. That’s how they act. They have tempter tantrums and you have to deal with it. The way she was acting was not how a mother takes care of situations like that. Yes, we all get stressed out and overwhelmed at times but you don’t take it out on your significant other or your children. This is just another shining example of why she shouldn’t have custody of Jace. Jenelle can’t even handle one child acting up. How the hell is she going to handle three kids acting up?


      1. But also – remember when she talked shit to Babs about Jace’s behavior? Claimed if SHE were caring for Jace he wouldn’t have behavior issues.

        You’re entirely right, but the way she responds today is going to shape how he behaves in the future. she’s failing parenting big time

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