Another season of Teen Mom 2 is coming to an end and, as per usual, the group is going out with a bang. (After all, that’s how this whole show began, right?) Yes, this recap is a late, but…pretend it got lost on The Land for a week…or something.
On this week’s episode, Jenelle marries the love of her life Andrew Kieffer Gary Nathan Lurch, while Chelsea celebrates her marriage for a second time. Leah sends Addie off to preschool to get her learn on, Briana and her family make a scene (again, as per usual) and Kail pops out another baby. So…basically, business as usual for these knuckleheads.
The episode starts off at The Land where we learn that Jenelle and Lurch “worked things out” after kicking the crew off their un-sodded property on the last episode. (We can assume that this means Jenelle went to soak her hooves in her bathtub while Lurch angrily shoveled sod while grunting his anger out.)
Sod or no sod, the wedding is back on y’all! Jenelle has somehow snagged Jace and has put him to work sweeping the dance floor in his pajamas. Producer Kristen is there, looking like she hasn’t slept in days. (She was, no doubt, ordered by Jenelle and Lurch to shovel sod into the wee hours the night before, after having to wrestle a hot dog away from Kaiser as her only nourishment.)
Lurch is getting some Christmas lights strung out (er…I mean, strung up…sorry, Freudian slip!) while Jenelle is dodging her assortment of offspring and trying to get all glammed up for The Wedding Of The Century. Random Jenelle friend Allison is helping Jenelle curl her hair while Jenelle describes all the things Producer Kristen (and whatever sad, overworked crew members couldn’t run off The Land fast enough) still have to do for the wedding.
OK…can we stop here? Where the hell is Trashbag Tori on this day of festivities? Having a wedding without Tori is like Jenelle having another kid—it should never happen!
Jenelle explains her outburst.
“I was just angry because I didn’t think everything was going to be done in time, and David’s friends weren’t showin’ up,” she says.
Um…give them a break, Jenelle, it’s hard to gnaw through a house arrest ankle bracelet. That takes time!
Jenelle says she envisioned her wedding to look a certain way (more classier, y’all!) and she’s going to be pissed off if she doesn’t get the swamp wedding of her dreams!
Jenelle doesn’t miss an opportunity to remind her rando friend that Barbara won’t be making an appearance on her big day, nor will any of her other family members… aside from her gaggle of offspring.
Over at Kail’s, we are in full panic mode because the baby could tunnel out of Kail’s lady waffle at any time now! She’s feeling lightheaded. The MTV film crew foolishly heads back to their Super 8 motel to get some sleep (and cry into a Little Ceaser’s Hot ‘n’ Ready while wondering how their life has come to this). Of course, Kail goes into labor right after the crew leaves.
She tells us that she decided she didn’t want to be “caught in the stirrups” on national TV yet again, so the crew did not come to film the baby’s birth. (Sorry guys, but there will be no “Hold my foot!” Part 2.)
“A few hours later, I delivered a healthy baby boy,” Kail tells us in the voiceover. (Um…did the cartoonist take a vacation or something? We don’t even get to watch a cartoony Kail huffing and puffing the kid out? What a racket!)
The next day, Javi tells Lincoln that he’s a big brother and little Lincoln is excited and ready to meet his little bro. Javi briefly reminisces on his relationship with Kail and the fact that it could have been him and Kail having a baby if things would have panned out differently.
Despite the possibly awkward current situation, Javi tells his sister he’s happy for Kail and sadly wishes her the best. (Um…I hope the sister removed all of Javi’s shoelaces and whatnot before leaving that night.)
Meanwhile, in Florida, Briana is getting Nova ready for her first day of school with some help from her entourage, Brittany and Roxanne. Briana has donned her best cut-off jean shorts and tank top for the occasion. (To her credit, at least her bra straps aren’t showing this time, so there’s that…)
The three comfort an emotional Nova as she settles into her new classroom, bribing her with a surprise if she sticks it out. (Umm… have they tried working this incentive angle with Luis?)
Nova sits at her desk alone (except for the MTV film crew, of course).
Later that day, Briana and her family arrive to pick Nova up and this time, Devoin joins them. Brittany gets one glimpse of his do-rag covered head and just blurts out, “Oh hell no!”
You’ve kind of got to love Brittany, you know?
While waiting for Nova to get out of class, Roxanne starts cussing Devoin out in Spanish (as you do), and then tries to make small talk, while Brittany calls him disgusting. Devoin barely acknowledges the DeJesus Clan while waiting for his daughter to come out of the classroom.
Nova emerges and Briana hits her with a weird squeal and asks her a bunch of rapid-fire questions in a strange high-pitched voice like Nova was a cocker spaniel or something. Nova doesn’t look amused that she’s the only kid being picked up by an MTV film crew, but she reports that she had a good day at school.
(‘Member back on Teen Mom 3 when Briana went to her one and only day of college and Roxanne and Brittany bought her stickers for completing the day. That has nothing to do with this episode, but wasn’t that so special?)
Over in the hollers of West Virginia, Leah is pumping Addie up for her first day of preschool and the kid seems less interested than the audience at one of her mom’s “speakings.” While helping Addie with learnin’ her letters, Leah reminds her that she needs to use her manners at school, not get in trouble or speak with her mouth full of Lunchables.
Addie isn’t much for the learning and such; she simply demands that her mom go get her a treat.
Leah also reaches out to Jeremy to see if he’ll be at the sketchy bus stop to see Addie off on her first day, to which he tells her he’ll try.
The next day, Jeremy is unable to see Addie off, but his Mama comes and regales the girlses of Jeremy’s first day of school. Just then, the bus arrives to whisk Addie and Aleeah off to school (which, as we all know “aren’t well).
Up in South Dakota, Chelsea is talking to Aubree about the wedding reception taking place the next day. (For some reason, though, it’s the night before the wedding and no one is screaming at each other. Imagine that!)
Later that night, she rattles off her to-do list to Cole and company while Watson gnaws his pajamas out of frustration from having to hear his mom talk about this for the 159th time. With her plate full on reception day, Chelsea is stressed. She doesn’t, however, go grab a shovel and aggressively beat the sod.
Back on The Land, Jenelle unveils her gown to the three lucky individuals cast as her friends this season. She stuffs baby Ensley in a tutu, as a shirtless Jace walks into the room. (We can assume that Jenelle’s other kid, Kaiser, is stuck in the Crib of Doom until it’s time to take “Happy Family” photos for Instagram.)
Jenelle once again gives Jace instructions for walking her down the aisle.
“Ok so what you’re going to do is you’re going to walk me down the aisle,” Jenelle explains.
Lurch’s mom Laura Jo (yessss) shows up and helps her son put on his best white blazer and shades. (Because…apparently Lurch and Jenelle are getting married and then appearing on an episode of ‘Miami Vice?’)
Laura Jo ties Lurch’s tie and gushes about her “sweet baby boy” as Lurch admires himself in the bathroom mirror.
Jenelle goes and gets Kaiser (carefully dusting all of the cobwebs off of him) and takes a few photos with him. Kaiser is smiling and laughing, and seems thrilled to be getting to finally see what the part of the house that’s not his bedroom looks like.
Over in Delaware, Kail is back home with the new baby. She tells us that her M.I.A. baby daddy, Chris, actually graced her with his appearance while she expelled his child from her loins.
Javi arrives with Lincoln, who is very excited to see his new brother. Javi stands there, basically gulping back tears as Lincoln meets the baby. He’s denying it but we all know he wishes it had been him getting yelled at to hold Kail’s foot during labor.
Jo and Vee arrive to meet the new baby, along with Isaac. Kail tells the kids that the baby does not have a name.
Lincoln asks Kail if there’s two babies because, “there’s still one in there” he says, pointing to her stomach. Kail laughs off Lincoln’s confusion and tells him, “no, I’m still just really fat.”
Look at Lincoln, coming in with the shade!
Over in The WV, it’s time for Leah to pick up the ‘girlses’ and she is happy to find out that Addie had a good first day. Once the girls are in the car, Addie rats on Aleeah for saying “bulls**t” on the bus. (Perhaps Aleeah was asked by one of her classmates to describe the show her mama is on?)
Back at the house, Addie is literally guzzling Country Crock Butter (AS.YOU.DO). Now that’s she’s a schoolgirl, she can’t be bothered with those “little kid” snacks like frosting or Sweet ‘n’ Low packets. She’s done moved up in her snacking, y’all!
After her buttery appetizer, Addie and her sisters dig into some spaghetti while Aleeah talks about school.
“Hey, it gives ya somethin’ to do!” she announces.
Leah attempts to have an inspirational chat with them. She’s obviously trying out some material for her next speaking but Ali is not having it at all. She’s mad eye-rollin’ all over the place and it’s amazing. I think she learned that from one Mr. Corey Tyler!
Meanwhile in Florida, the DeJesus clan heads for a celebratory lunch at Ye Olde Ale House and Devoin decides to join. (Hey, he isn’t going to miss out on a free plate of mozzarella sticks, no matter how awkward things may get!)
At the table, Roxanne gets back to grilling Devoin on his job and he reveals he’s actually working two jobs. Briana tells him if that’s the case, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be helping her out more with Nova but Devoin argues that giving her money should give him permission to take Nova to his house. Briana says she isn’t entertaining that idea because Nova doesn’t even know Devoin’s family.
Roxanne ain’t playin’ so she busts out her smart words.
“You haven’t been stable thus far,” she tells Devoin, who at this point should basically be bobbing and weaving as he speaks to Roxanne. (A moving target is harder to hit!)
Sensing the drama brewing, Brittany takes Nova outside, giving Briana, Devoin and Roxanne full reign to get loud… and loud they get.
Devoin ends up calling Briana out for bad mouthing him on social media and the show, and the conversation quickly turns into an argument of who “sucks ass” more.
Fellow patrons are probably thinking their dining experience sucks the most ass at this point, but they haven’t seen anything yet. Briana reminds Devoin that she takes care of both of her kids—by herself!—and Devoin responds, “That’s because you f**ked up your life.”
He does have has a point there…
Devoin calls Briana and Roxanne out for dissing him in front of Nova (and more importantly the cameras). The DeJesus women, of course, can’t take responsibility for their actions and start going in on Devoin even more.
Devoin makes a comment about Briana not knowing what it’s like to have a dad, prompting Roxanne to stand up on the table like its last call at Coyote Ugly.
She’s trying to get in Devoin’s face (and/or find a vase or shoe to throw at him). After security steps in, Devoin makes his graceful exit from the Ale House (surely after throwing his assortment of fried foods into a to-go sack) with his middle fingers in the air over a score of censor beeps.
Roxanne keeps cackling that she was “trying to be civil” with Devoin. I’ll give her credit, though: both of her Easy Spirit pumps stayed on her feet this time around! We’re making progress!
Over in South Dakota, it’s reception day for Chelsea and she and her flanneled bridesmaids are getting their hair and makeup done. At the salon, Aubree puts on her mini gown and excitedly twirls it around and after Chelsea slips into her own dress, they all head off to the pop-up tent party. It’s rather uneventful when no one is crying in wood sheds and whatnot.
We get to peek into the reception. The DJ has obviously not signed on to appear on camera because they not only have to blur his face out but also disguise his voice. (At least, I think that’s what’s going on here; otherwise that dude has some serious throat issues!)
After Chelsea and Cole are introduced as husband and wife, (again) Aubree surprises them with a sweet recorded message during their first dance. She thanks Cole for making her mom so happy and soon she’s been included in their dance. Later, Cole feeds Chelsea a piece of cake and then immediately gives Aubree a bite too.
The whole thing is genuinely sweet… think the vibe of Jenelle’s big day, except the complete opposite.
Meanwhile, Barbara is having a hard time getting through the day, knowing that her daughter (who is, of course, a bitch of a daughta, but still her daughta) is getting married without her. She’s high (high! high!)-tailed it down to South Carolina for a vacation with her blunt pal Donna. (Um…MTV, can we get a ‘Donna & Babs Take Carolina’ spin-off? Come on, if those Kardashian broads can keep getting spin-offs, so should Babs!)
Barb says that Lurch has alienated Jenelle from her motha, but Donna says the fault lies with Barb for being unwilling to get along with Lurch. Barb says it’s actually because she’s not willing to hand Jace over. Barb tells Donna she’s never going to get along with Lurch until he apologizes to her.
Donna tells Babs there’s a better chance of Lurch laying sod on the moon than him apologizing to her. She reminds Babs that by not accepting (or pretending to accept) Lurch, she’s choosing to never be in her “dooawter” Jenelle’s life.
That Donna sure does tell it like it is, doesn’t she? Can we get her to host the Reunions?
In North Carolina, it’s almost time for Jenelle to shuffle herself down the aisle but before the ceremony kicks off, David decides to (further) scar Jace for life by telling him after today, he’ll be like David’s “real son.” Jace’s face pretty much says it all.
Meanwhile Kaiser is trying to eat Jenelle’s makeup brushes. He’s got more makeup on him than even his dad Nathan wears while flexing his muscles in the mirror! (He’s sitting next to an empty beer bottle, naturally.)
Lurch begins to scream at Kaiser, but then remembers they’re still playing “Happy Family Wedding Picnic” and gently reprimands him for his naughtiness.
Jenelle is ready to throw on her dress. She booty-scoots down the bed (giving us a flash of her sick jaguar thigh tattoo, which, really, is the accessory every swamp bride needs on her wedding day!) Jenelle’s friends help shove herself into her dress and someone jams a veil on her head.
Not to be outdone, Lurch decides to stride down the aisle wearing his trusty sunglasses, like the shady dude he is. (Sadly, they are not Froco sunglasses.) The more-classier friends they have invited to witness their union are hootin’ and hollerin’ at Lurch as he comes down the aisle.
“Take them sunglasses off! Lookin’ good mother**ker!” one yells.
Isn’t that lovely?
Jenelle heads outside onto The Land, where an antsy Lurch is waiting for.
“What’d she do, back out?” he asks the officiant (who is, of course, a ‘Teen Mom’ security guard.) The assortment of wedding guests, MTV crew members and chaperoning parole officers get a chuckle out of the comment.
Unfortunately (for Jenelle…or Lurch depending on how you look at it), Jenelle does not back out of the wedding. She heads down the aisle with Jace, and she’s got her veil all pulled down over her face like she’s some sort of leper. Lurch is moved to tears.
They get to the end of the aisle (being carefully to not lose their footing on misplaced sod), with Jenelle holding her dress up the whole way. (Couldn’t they have gotten the dressed hemmed, or, at the very least stapled the bottom up a few inches so she could walk?)
Jace gives his mom away — not unlike she did to him eight years ago. He puts Jenelle’s hand into Lurch’s big oafy paw and moves aside, letting the train go ahead and wreck.
They say some vows and a barefoot Kaiser stomps down the aisle to deliver the rings.
Jenelle basically tells her son that she loves him so much…but now go away. Kaiser tries to bolt, but Jenelle directs him to go stand in the line of discarded offspring. So close, Kaiser, so close…
Soon Lurch and Jenelle are pronounced man and wife. Lurch removes Jenelle’s leper veil (which doubled as a mosquito net to keep away the critters on The Land) and the two share their first kiss as husband and wife. That really gets the crowd going! They’re hootin’ and hollerin’ like Walmart just announced that it no longer will prosecute shoplifters to the fullest extent of the law!
Before the couple heads back down the aisle, a random dog strolls across their path. Jenelle then narrowly trips and blames it on the sod not being grown in yet — a comment we’re sure David yelled at her for later. (Save a fight for the honeymoon, y’all!)
The couple goes on to celebrate at the reception… all while conveniently leaving out a large chunk of the drama that went down less than 24 hours before hand. (Luckily, The Ashley has you covered if you want to know how Jenelle and Lurch’s wedding weekend really went down!)
The cartoonist is back from vacation and has come in shadier than ever! He/she ends the episode with the show logo, covered in…you guessed it—sod!
On the next episode, it’s time for Reunion Madness! To read The Ashley’s reports on what went down during the Reunion taping, click here!
To read other ‘Teen Mom 2’ episode recaps, click here!