After months of planning, plenty of bad Kody ideas, and by far the greatest example of freeloading we’ve seen on reality TV in years, it’s finally time for The Wedding Of The Century! That’s right, an entitled Brown Family kid is about to get married to her moochy fiancé as all her family members shiver in the cold and excitedly wait to chuck Frisbees at the newlyweds’ heads!
Take notes Prince Harry and Meghan Markel: This is how you do a wedding!
We start this Very Special Episode of Sister Wives in Utah. Everyone in the family has already left the Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams and headed to Mormonsville for the wedding.
Christine is incredibly excited. Of course, she’s the mother of the bride so she has every right to be; however, the only thing more intolerable than a normal Christine is an excited Christine. Dear God. Let’s hope Janelle remembered to pack the tranquilizer gun…you know, just in case…
Christine arrives at the wedding venue at 7 a.m. to set up for the wedding and she’s sporting a shirt that says, “Don’t Mess with the M.O.B. (Mother Of the Bride).”
Hey, we’ll cut her some slack. She’s not allowed to do drugs, can’t really drink and has to be married to Kody. This is really all she has to be excited about.
During this time, the cameras keep cutting back to Kody, who keeps talking about how terrible his weddings were because they had to be hidden because they were polygamists.
Um…no one cares, Kody. This isn’t about you.
Anyway, Mykelti (who’s the bride) is busy bossing everyone around while Tony (who’s Mexican, in case you haven’t heard) is brushing his Muppet Mop ‘o’ Hair out while getting ready with his “brosmen.” (Don’t ya know? Tony is way too interesting to call his guys “groomsmen!” He’s unique…and Mexican, of course.)
“I thought it would be kind of cool and sort of significant for us if we called each other brosmen instead of groomsmen,” Tony said. “We’re more brothers than friends.”
(And, for the record, yes, all of Tony’s friends seem to be as weird and awkward as he is.)
Tony seems to be a bit gleeful about the fact that it’s going to be incredibly cold and possibly rainy at the wedding.
“That makes it fun,” he tells us via his very punchable face.
Mykelti has enlisted all her siblings, Tony’s siblings and various other family members to do the manual labor and wedding setup. The “Background Kids” & Co. are hustling and bustling to follow their orders.
Meanwhile…back to Kody on the couch…
“Wedding days for polygamous men aren’t exactly happy times…” he starts.
Yup, no one still cares, Kody. Stuff a rag in that trap or, better yet, go comb your hair.
Speaking of Kody’s hair we are treated to Kody trying to figure out how to wear his hair for the wedding. He wants to slick it all back like a wet Pekingese but Mykelti and Christine veto the Papa Ponytail. Kody tells us that only some of his wives like him with a ponytailed. Apparently, Janelle is one of the ones who enjoy said ponytail.
“It’s fun to hear Janelle growl when I walk by,” Kody tells us.
Um, bro, she’s growling because she can’t believe she married this Fraggle. Let’s be honest.
Later, everyone is getting ready and Christine is freaking out. Aspyn looks like she wants to take the piñata stick and give her mom a few whacks in the head, just to mellow her out a little.
“Mom. Please stop,” she yells. “You’re making everybody crazy.”
You know the only thing worse than Excited Christine? Stressed Out Christine. Oy vey.
Christine floats away, telling Mykelti, “I’m just gonna pretend I’m a princess!”
She continues to annoy everyone, screeching and telling everyone how stressed she is and how stressed they should be. Mykelti looks like she wants to shove her into a closet until the ceremony starts.
Mykelti hands out the bouquets to her bridesmaids, bragging that they can “keep them forever.”
Oh, I’m sure they’re going to display the bouquet right on their kitchen tables for years to come. Nothing says home décor quite like flowers made out of sheets that may or may not have Mykelti’s little sisters’ blood stained on them from when she turned them into sweatshop workers!
Meanwhile, Robyn tells us that she and Tony got in a fight over how Mykelti would wear her hair.
Here’s a thought…. why don’t y’all let Mykelti decide for herself how she wants to do her hair on her wedding day?!
WTF. Tony is legit wearing jeans, sneakers and Muppet hair to his wedding yet he gets to have a say in what dress Mykelti wears and how she styles her hair?!
Anyway, Robyn wants Mykelti to wear her hair up and Tony wants her to wear her hair down. In the end, Mykelti decides to please everyone and wear her hair half up and half down.
Later, all the sister wives line up to give Mykelti her something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Robyn gives her an antique hairpin and a pair for antique earrings for her something old. Janelle got her a faux fur shawl and hand warmer for her something new.
Meri has been charged with providing something blue. Luckily, she doesn’t bust out the latest blue-tinted leggings from her leggings business. Instead, she gives Mykelti a blue pearl bracelet for her something blue.
Christine, as we know cut up her bed-sheet-looking wedding dress to make fabric flowers for Mykelti’s wedding.
Mykelti is uncharacteristically grateful and happy about the gifts. She thanks each of the sister wives for their thoughtfulness. It’s all very un-Mykelti-like. We need Tony to come in here and say something inappropriate and/or greedy-sounding to make things feel normal again.
Before they walk down the aisle, Aspyn gives Mykelti a gift that says “novia” (which means girlfriend) on one side and their wedding date on the other. Why didn’t she get one that says “esposa” (which means wife)?
Mykelti allows her bridesmaids to admire her in her wedding dress for a while (but not before she barks orders at them on how they are allowed to wear their shawls during the ceremony).
Everyone is worried about the freezing cold weather. Janelle is concerned for her pregnant daughter Maddie to be standing outside in a short-sleeved gown in the cold, and Robyn is scared that her two youngest kids will get even sicker because they’re standing outside shivering. Of course, Mykelti has no concern for anyone else and when anyone tries to tell her that they may want to move the wedding inside due to the weather, Mykelti tells them she wants an outdoor wedding, and that’s all there is to it.
Meanwhile, Tony is outside the door of the bridal room yelling at everyone to hurry up.
“Don’t be a slow poke,” he screams. He then informs us that Kody “doesn’t even have his clothes on,” which is a terrifying thought in itself.
Finally, it’s time for the “first look.” Mykelti and Tony will get to see each other dressed up in their wedding gown and wedding jeans, respectively, for the first time.
Mykelti approaches Tony and he turns around to see his bride.
“You look nice,” he tells her, like he’s complimenting a stranger. He makes sure to tell her that he doesn’t like her hair.
While the photographer is taking photos of the bridal party in their matching Vans, Kody goes back to the condo to get his clothes that he forgot. Of course, he did. It’s 15 minutes until the wedding and things have come to a screeching halt because everyone is waiting on Kody. Of course, they are. Christine takes the blame for the missing shirts, saying that she forgot to bring them.
With Kody MIA and the weather getting increasingly worse (it’s 40 degrees, but the wind-chill makes it feel like 20), everyone is getting stressed. The guests are all lining up outside and Kody is probably off somewhere brushing his ponytail.
Kody finally arrives, and he goes down with Christine to see his daughter in her wedding gown. While Christine is gushing about how beautiful Mykelti is, while Kody is complaining that she “looks exposed.”
Meanwhile, Tony and his “brosmen” are taking their pictures. They’re playing grab-ass and whatnot and showing off how awesome they are.
Finally, the wedding is starting. Someone reveals to the crowd that they will be throwing frisbees at Tony and Mykelti instead of rice when they leave. The audience is sitting there confused, but, on the bright side, they will get to throw plastic disks at the heads of these imbeciles who made them sit outside in December and freeze, so they agree.
The flower girls come down the aisle and one of them is like 16 years old. Then…here comes Kody, oh, and the bride. Everyone in the crowd looks too cold to notice the special moment.
Tony flips back his hair as he sees Mykelti coming down the aisle. Mykelti really is marrying someone just like her dad. Kody punches Tony in the arm when he hands him Mykelti’s hand.
The officiant has the couple hold a frisbee between them as he preaches the service. Good Lord. In the middle of the service, Tony does something gentlemanly and takes his coat off and gives it to a shivering Mykelti. Honestly, I’m just shocked he didn’t tell her, “Trade you my coat for your bouquet!”
Christine and Janelle are very impressed by Tony’s gesture. Of course, they’re married to Kody so chivalry is a foreign concept to them.
“I think that is what everybody will always remember about this wedding,” Janelle says.
“It’s very gallant of him,” Christine agreed.
Calm down, he just gave her his jacket. He didn’t fork over his kidney or something.
Finally after a lot of Frisbee talk and frigid air, Tony kisses his bride and the crowd starts throwing Frisbees. Unfortunately, none of the frisbees hit Tony or Kody. Damn.
After the wedding, Mykelti wants the whole family to gather outside for the wedding photos but Kody is putting his foot down. He doesn’t want his two youngest kids, who are sick, to go outside in the cold again.
“This executive decision is not a good one,” he insists.
Mykelti informs him that it is her wedding and she wants her wedding photos to be taken outside. Kody tells her he is NOT putting the Robyn offspring outside in the cold because they have been sick. Finally, Mykelti gives in and Kody gets his way. It was a battle of the Intolerables and Kody won.
Kody, Christine and their kids together will do their pictures outside and the other kids will have their photos inside.
Once the pictures have been taken it’s time for the event we’ve all been waiting for: Christine is going to sing. If you thought the cold weather was unbearable, you ain’t seen nothing yet, folks!
Christine starts singing and it’s in the highest key imaginable. Glass is shattering because it’s so high-pitched. The crowd seems to not know what to make of this display of awfulness.
Tony’s family is looking around, trying to figure out if this is real or if they’re actually on the Mexican version of the show “Punked” or something.
“My mom has a beautiful voice. I’ve always loved my mom’s voice,” Mykelti says.
Some of Christine’s other kids tell her how great of a job she has done.
Now it’s time for Mykelti and Tony to dance and, yes, Tony dances just as badly as you would imagine. His jacket looks like it’s about to bust at the seams as he swings his poor bride around the floor, risking arm dislocation in the name of dance.
Then they bring out the giant, creepy piñatas for everyone to beat.
“So, we named this ‘Beat the Bride and Groom’ and we’re going to beat each other,” Tony says.
“It’s a great way to start a marriage,” Mykelti says. “Get all the anger out.”
Meri just stands there, looking like she’s mentally noting to ask where she can buy a piñata that looks like Kody… you know, to get the anger out.
The much-talked-about tacos are there but, alas, Tony was right about needing thousands of street tacos to quench the hunger of his freeloading friends. In fact, we hear that some people just came for the food and not the ceremony, and that the tacos soon ran out.
When it comes time to cut the cake(s), Tony just can’t wait to get that sweet, sweet frosting in his mouth. He legit takes a bite from a piece of cake and then puts the fork into a piece of cake to be given to a guest.
The wedding ends and everyone acts like it was a dream affair.
Now that the wedding is over, they’re gonna have to manufacture some more drama for the rest of this season. Que Meri bringing up her catfishing situation in 3…2…1…
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Sister Wives’ recap, click here!