‘Sister Wives’ Season 12 Episode 5 Recap: Mykelti & Tony Mooch ‘The Wedding Of The Century’

“I love you Tony.”
“Do you know what time the tacos are being served?”

After months of planning, plenty of bad Kody ideas, and by far the greatest example of freeloading we’ve seen on reality TV in years, it’s finally time for The Wedding Of The Century! That’s right, an entitled Brown Family kid is about to get married to her moochy fiancé as all her family members shiver in the cold and excitedly wait to chuck Frisbees at the newlyweds’ heads!

Take notes Prince Harry and Meghan Markel: This is how you do a wedding!

We start this Very Special Episode of Sister Wives in Utah. Everyone in the family has already left the Cul-de-Sac of Broken Dreams and headed to Mormonsville for the wedding.

Christine is incredibly excited. Of course, she’s the mother of the bride so she has every right to be; however, the only thing more intolerable than a normal Christine is an excited Christine. Dear God. Let’s hope Janelle remembered to pack the tranquilizer gun…you know, just in case…

“We’re gonna need you to take it down to like an 11, Christine. You’re going to scare the Mexicans!”

Christine arrives at the wedding venue at 7 a.m. to set up for the wedding and she’s sporting a shirt that says, “Don’t Mess with the M.O.B. (Mother Of the Bride).”

Hey, we’ll cut her some slack. She’s not allowed to do drugs, can’t really drink and has to be married to Kody. This is really all she has to be excited about.

During this time, the cameras keep cutting back to Kody, who keeps talking about how terrible his weddings were because they had to be hidden because they were polygamists.

“No one is paying any attention to me and it’s NO FAIR.”

Um…no one cares, Kody. This isn’t about you.

Anyway, Mykelti (who’s the bride) is busy bossing everyone around while Tony (who’s Mexican, in case you haven’t heard) is brushing his Muppet Mop ‘o’ Hair out while getting ready with his “brosmen.” (Don’t ya know? Tony is way too interesting to call his guys “groomsmen!” He’s unique…and Mexican, of course.)

“I thought it would be kind of cool and sort of significant for us if we called each other brosmen instead of groomsmen,” Tony said. “We’re more brothers than friends.”

(And, for the record, yes, all of Tony’s friends seem to be as weird and awkward as he is.)

It’s seriously like he’s competing with Kody for the title of “Worst Hair Ever to Appear on a TLC Reality Show.”

Tony seems to be a bit gleeful about the fact that it’s going to be incredibly cold and possibly rainy at the wedding.

“That makes it fun,” he tells us via his very punchable face.

Mykelti has enlisted all her siblings, Tony’s siblings and various other family members to do the manual labor and wedding setup. The “Background Kids” & Co. are hustling and bustling to follow their orders.

Meanwhile…back to Kody on the couch…

“Wedding days for polygamous men aren’t exactly happy times…” he starts.

“No one will ever listen to my stories…”

Yup, no one still cares, Kody. Stuff a rag in that trap or, better yet, go comb your hair.

Speaking of Kody’s hair we are treated to Kody trying to figure out how to wear his hair for the wedding. He wants to slick it all back like a wet Pekingese but Mykelti and Christine veto the Papa Ponytail. Kody tells us that only some of his wives like him with a ponytailed. Apparently, Janelle is one of the ones who enjoy said ponytail.

“It’s fun to hear Janelle growl when I walk by,” Kody tells us.

Um, bro, she’s growling because she can’t believe she married this Fraggle. Let’s be honest.

“Jean Claude Van DAMMN I look good…right? Meri, why are you running away retching?”

Later, everyone is getting ready and Christine is freaking out. Aspyn looks like she wants to take the piñata stick and give her mom a few whacks in the head, just to mellow her out a little.

“Mom. Please stop,” she yells. “You’re making everybody crazy.”

“I’m about to go full-on Tonya Harding on your ass, Mom, if you don’t shut your trap!”

You know the only thing worse than Excited Christine? Stressed Out Christine. Oy vey.

Christine floats away, telling Mykelti, “I’m just gonna pretend I’m a princess!”

She continues to annoy everyone, screeching and telling everyone how stressed she is and how stressed they should be. Mykelti looks like she wants to shove her into a closet until the ceremony starts.

“So…excited…can’t…contain…it.”

Mykelti hands out the bouquets to her bridesmaids, bragging that they can “keep them forever.”

Oh, I’m sure they’re going to display the bouquet right on their kitchen tables for years to come. Nothing says home décor quite like flowers made out of sheets that may or may not have Mykelti’s little sisters’ blood stained on them from when she turned them into sweatshop workers!

Meanwhile, Robyn tells us that she and Tony got in a fight over how Mykelti would wear her hair.

“Lord give me the strength not to beat Tony to death with the pinata stick on his wedding day.”

Here’s a thought…. why don’t y’all let Mykelti decide for herself how she wants to do her hair on her wedding day?!

WTF. Tony is legit wearing jeans, sneakers and Muppet hair to his wedding yet he gets to have a say in what dress Mykelti wears and how she styles her hair?!

Anyway, Robyn wants Mykelti to wear her hair up and Tony wants her to wear her hair down. In the end, Mykelti decides to please everyone and wear her hair half up and half down.

“Why doesn’t Mykelti wear her hair like mine? It’s a fashionable style!”

Later, all the sister wives line up to give Mykelti her something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. Robyn gives her an antique hairpin and a pair for antique earrings for her something old. Janelle got her a faux fur shawl and hand warmer for her something new.

Meri has been charged with providing something blue. Luckily, she doesn’t bust out the latest blue-tinted leggings from her leggings business. Instead, she gives Mykelti a blue pearl bracelet for her something blue.

“I have teal Lularoe leggings in my bag if you’d rather wear those? I’ll give them to you 40 percent off!”

Christine, as we know cut up her bed-sheet-looking wedding dress to make fabric flowers for Mykelti’s wedding.

Mykelti is uncharacteristically grateful and happy about the gifts. She thanks each of the sister wives for their thoughtfulness. It’s all very un-Mykelti-like. We need Tony to come in here and say something inappropriate and/or greedy-sounding to make things feel normal again.

Before they walk down the aisle, Aspyn gives Mykelti a gift that says “novia” (which means girlfriend) on one side and their wedding date on the other. Why didn’t she get one that says “esposa” (which means wife)?

Mykelti allows her bridesmaids to admire her in her wedding dress for a while (but not before she barks orders at them on how they are allowed to wear their shawls during the ceremony).

But why do the bridesmaids look like they are hostesses at a Mexican restaurant?

Everyone is worried about the freezing cold weather. Janelle is concerned for her pregnant daughter Maddie to be standing outside in a short-sleeved gown in the cold, and Robyn is scared that her two youngest kids will get even sicker because they’re standing outside shivering. Of course, Mykelti has no concern for anyone else and when anyone tries to tell her that they may want to move the wedding inside due to the weather, Mykelti tells them she wants an outdoor wedding, and that’s all there is to it.

Meanwhile, Tony is outside the door of the bridal room yelling at everyone to hurry up.

“Don’t be a slow poke,” he screams. He then informs us that Kody “doesn’t even have his clothes on,” which is a terrifying thought in itself.

When you’re dreaming of that sweet taco bar but you have to marry some chick before you can eat…

Finally, it’s time for the “first look.” Mykelti and Tony will get to see each other dressed up in their wedding gown and wedding jeans, respectively, for the first time.

Mykelti approaches Tony and he turns around to see his bride.

“Please let her have a couple of tacos when she arrives…with real steak…”

“You look nice,” he tells her, like he’s complimenting a stranger. He makes sure to tell her that he doesn’t like her hair.

While the photographer is taking photos of the bridal party in their matching Vans, Kody goes back to the condo to get his clothes that he forgot. Of course, he did. It’s 15 minutes until the wedding and things have come to a screeching halt because everyone is waiting on Kody. Of course, they are. Christine takes the blame for the missing shirts, saying that she forgot to bring them.

When no one remembers to bring your shirts…

With Kody MIA and the weather getting increasingly worse (it’s 40 degrees, but the wind-chill makes it feel like 20), everyone is getting stressed. The guests are all lining up outside and Kody is probably off somewhere brushing his ponytail.

Kody finally arrives, and he goes down with Christine to see his daughter in her wedding gown. While Christine is gushing about how beautiful Mykelti is, while Kody is complaining that she “looks exposed.”

Meanwhile, Tony and his “brosmen” are taking their pictures. They’re playing grab-ass and whatnot and showing off how awesome they are.

“And people thought I was too immature to get married! Go figure!”

Finally, the wedding is starting. Someone reveals to the crowd that they will be throwing frisbees at Tony and Mykelti instead of rice when they leave. The audience is sitting there confused, but, on the bright side, they will get to throw plastic disks at the heads of these imbeciles who made them sit outside in December and freeze, so they agree.

The flower girls come down the aisle and one of them is like 16 years old. Then…here comes Kody, oh, and the bride. Everyone in the crowd looks too cold to notice the special moment.

“I’m so cold I’d even cuddle up to KODY at this point!”

Tony flips back his hair as he sees Mykelti coming down the aisle. Mykelti really is marrying someone just like her dad. Kody punches Tony in the arm when he hands him Mykelti’s hand.

The officiant has the couple hold a frisbee between them as he preaches the service. Good Lord. In the middle of the service, Tony does something gentlemanly and takes his coat off and gives it to a shivering Mykelti. Honestly, I’m just shocked he didn’t tell her, “Trade you my coat for your bouquet!”

This guy used Frisbee references yet he STILL did a better job as officiant than Kody did at Maddie’s wedding…

Christine and Janelle are very impressed by Tony’s gesture. Of course, they’re married to Kody so chivalry is a foreign concept to them.

“I think that is what everybody will always remember about this wedding,” Janelle says.

“It’s very gallant of him,” Christine agreed.

Calm down, he just gave her his jacket. He didn’t fork over his kidney or something.

Finally after a lot of Frisbee talk and frigid air, Tony kisses his bride and the crowd starts throwing Frisbees. Unfortunately, none of the frisbees hit Tony or Kody. Damn.

Raise your hand if you’re happy this s**show is over so we don’t have to see any more wedding planning footage?

After the wedding, Mykelti wants the whole family to gather outside for the wedding photos but Kody is putting his foot down. He doesn’t want his two youngest kids, who are sick, to go outside in the cold again.

“This executive decision is not a good one,” he insists.

Mykelti informs him that it is her wedding and she wants her wedding photos to be taken outside. Kody tells her he is NOT putting the Robyn offspring outside in the cold because they have been sick. Finally, Mykelti gives in and Kody gets his way. It was a battle of the Intolerables and Kody won.

“Ugh! So the kids catch pneumonia? It will help them build character!”

Kody, Christine and their kids together will do their pictures outside and the other kids will have their photos inside.

Once the pictures have been taken it’s time for the event we’ve all been waiting for: Christine is going to sing. If you thought the cold weather was unbearable, you ain’t seen nothing yet, folks!

Christine starts singing and it’s in the highest key imaginable. Glass is shattering because it’s so high-pitched. The crowd seems to not know what to make of this display of awfulness.

The guitar player just keeps thinking, “There’s a paycheck involved…there’s a paycheck involved…”

Tony’s family is looking around, trying to figure out if this is real or if they’re actually on the Mexican version of the show “Punked” or something.

“My mom has a beautiful voice. I’ve always loved my mom’s voice,” Mykelti says.

Some of Christine’s other kids tell her how great of a job she has done.

And I think Ysabel should be a professional liar…

Now it’s time for Mykelti and Tony to dance and, yes, Tony dances just as badly as you would imagine. His jacket looks like it’s about to bust at the seams as he swings his poor bride around the floor, risking arm dislocation in the name of dance.

Then they bring out the giant, creepy piñatas for everyone to beat.

“Beating stuff is cool…and stuff…”

“So, we named this ‘Beat the Bride and Groom’ and we’re going to beat each other,” Tony says.

“It’s a great way to start a marriage,” Mykelti says. “Get all the anger out.”

Meri just stands there, looking like she’s mentally noting to ask where she can buy a piñata that looks like Kody… you know, to get the anger out.

The much-talked-about tacos are there but, alas, Tony was right about needing thousands of street tacos to quench the hunger of his freeloading friends. In fact, we hear that some people just came for the food and not the ceremony, and that the tacos soon ran out.

“Is that tres leches cake?! I’m gonna eat it all before anyone else sees it!”

When it comes time to cut the cake(s), Tony just can’t wait to get that sweet, sweet frosting in his mouth. He legit takes a bite from a piece of cake and then puts the fork into a piece of cake to be given to a guest.

The wedding ends and everyone acts like it was a dream affair.

Now that the wedding is over, they’re gonna have to manufacture some more drama for the rest of this season. Que Meri bringing up her catfishing situation in 3…2…1…

To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Sister Wives’ recap, click here!

(Photos: TLC)

38 Comments

    1. Did you ever find out the name of the song? I’m curious as well. If you remember part of the lyrics you can enter the words into Google and find it that way. Good luck!


  1. I think she only likes Tony because Kody and Tony have the same stringy god awful hair. It is disturbing. What will they come with next to keep people interested? I can’t for the life of me figure out how to convinced 1 person to marry him let alone 4


  2. Ok just watched this episode. omg people were FREEZING! That old man – maybe 80+ years old – with the freaking blanket over his head? Ok Bridezilla, glad you had your outdoor wedding. Also the way she barked orders at everyone in the basement was embarrassing.

    Tony acts like a 5 year old boy, even at his wedding ceremony.


  3. I don’t understand the logic behind, “we’re gonna call you brosmen, because we’re more brothers than friends.” The original is not “friendsmen,” so this trading out of “friends” for “bros” doesn’t even make sense. It would make more sense if he changed it to “groomsbros.” It would still sound stupid AF, but it would at least make sense. They are the “bros” of the groom. Toni and Mykelti and everyone on sister wives seems like they are the type of people whose minds would be blown when you explained the word “groomsmen” to them. “Groomsmen” are the groom’s… men. They are the men standing up for the groom. I bet they also do not understand that “bridesmaids” are the maidens that are standing up with the bride. They are the bride’s… maid(en)s. Words mean things, people!


  4. Them holding that frisbee during the ceremony is so stupid. Imagine looking back on your wedding pictures in 20 years…..oh, didn’t we look happy there with our plastic frisbee toy between us.


  5. Well next to Tony’s wedding hair, Kody’s looked positively fantastic. Tony is so repulsive, I dont’ know WHAT Mykelti sees in him. At first I thought the demanding/rude/greedy thing was just a schtick, or that he was being sarcastic when he said those things, but no….. turns out that’s just how he is. Good luck Mykelti.


    1. Mykelti is so awful. Maybe Tony has convinced her that he’s the best she’s ever gonna get and that’s why she married him (because, honestly, I think Mykelti is the best Tony is ever gonna get and he knows it…and Mykelti is no prize). I wouldn’t have suspected that Mykelti was the type to do that, but she does seem to give in to his demands pretty quickly (re: pinatas, tacos, the dress, the hair, the cake, etc.).

      If Tony was the best I could do, I wouldn’t get married at all.


      1. Honestly, the family needs to keep an eye on Mykelti because soon she’s going to start to show signs of abuse.


  6. It, no bullshit, took me three days total to get through this shit show of an episode. Mykelti’s eyebrows are what nightmares are made of. They’re trying to slink off of her face, so that they can be free of her shitty attitude.


  7. I didn’t watch the episode and I don’t think I plan to. Just reading the recap makes me cringe. That must have been the most weird, awkward wedding ever. Yikes.


  8. Tony looked like he was having a seizure when he was dancing, and it was awkward when he and Mykelti were dancing he was whipping her around. Actually they all looked ridiculous dancing !


  9. Who dresses these dudes? Watching Tony dance freaked me out a little. The fact that this dude found someone to let him stick his D into them tells me it’s a mans world out there.


  10. Is it just me or does Tony totally look like a heavier, less-attractive version of the actor Andrew Lawrence?

    Ashley, I would like to suggest you create a competition to determine the worst reality star on TV. I would include creepy Kody, Farrah, Jenelle, Lurch, Kate Gosselin, Mackenzie, Amber,and basically anyone on TLC. I would love to see who your readers feel is the worst person on reality tv. Just a suggestion/request. Love your site. You are hysterical and brilliant.


    1. I found it so disrespectful esp to her SICK siblings! I know this wedding was supposed to be a summer wedding (I think Mykelti wanted it in August but surprise! Tony convinced her to get married earlier) but I mean, you need to adapt to the circumstances then. Like get a tent or heaters or ANYTHING! Entitled brats.


    2. She originally wanted to do it in August which would have been awful too! Doesn’t anyone in this family understand how to look up monthly averages for temperatures?!


    1. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled that Aspyn is marrying someone from the AUB. Apparently he’s a brother to one of the women on the new show Seeking Sister Wife, and the old show My 5 Wives.

      Aspyn will probably wind up a sister wife, whether she wants to, or not.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.