On this episode of Teen Mom OG, Maci attempts to alleviate some pain from her life (and this time we’re not talking about Ryan); Cate and Tyler deal with a loss; Amber gives spending time with her daughter a try, and Farrah continues to show us why that devilish red hair of hers is so fitting.
We first check in with the shining light of ‘Teen Mom OG’, Farrah. She is looking for a house in LA, and basically has plans to ruin a good neighborhood. Being that Farrah is Farrah and rules (along with basic human decency) don’t apply to her, she decides to ambush a homeowner to see if the place has enough room to accommodate her assortment of straight-from-the-swapmeet body-con dresses. She does not care that the open house is over– she’s getting in there!
Farrah decides to take Michael’s fiancé, Amy, with her to creep out the seller. (Amy is apparently starting to get her fashion sense from Debz OG. She’s wearing a very Debz choker-and-shirt set. Hold tight to your pleather pants everyone!)
Amy, Farrah and Michael take an Uber over to the house. On the way, Farrah scolds Sophia for not reading a chapter of her book (which is almost certainly one of Farrah’s sexy-time romance novels).
When they arrive, they see there’s a sign that specifically says “Do Not Disturb Occupants.” Of course, Farrah pays no attention to the request, stating that it’s OK because she’s from out of town. (To be fair, she’s actually from outer space, but, same-same.)
They leave Sophia and Michal in the car (with the poor Uber driver, who can now add ‘experienced trespasser’ to his Uber bio).
While Farrah and Amy are tromping through the house, Producer Kristen is stressing out. She gets into the car with Producer David.
“So, there’s a problem with Farrah,” she says.
Um…that’s basically the understatement of the CENTURY…
Producer Kristen says that Farrah is mad because she thinks the set teacher that’s being supplied for Sophia (because she’s too cool for school…literally), has dared to give Sophia a piece of candy. Naturally, this undercover candy-giving act is punishable by immediate termination, under the Rules ‘o’ Farrah.
Producer David states the obvious: that it’s virtually impossible to fire a set teacher and find a replacement (who is free of Tootsie Rolls and Snickers and the like) to come in the same day.
Producer Kristen explains that, because we are in Los Angeles and no longer in the “schools are not well” hills of the hillbilly states that these shows are usually set in, a teacher is required to be with Sophia at all times or they will have to stop filming.
Kristen suggests they ask Farrah if she can deal with the horrible candy-giving teacher for the rest of the day so filming can continue. Obviously, Kristen is ready for death, because when the Big Red One gets a load of this idea, she’s going to go straight “Tonya Harding” on them, beating them with her sex wands. (But, to be fair, I’d probably rather watch footage of that than this crappy show.)
Just then, Farrah and Amy come back to the car. Farrah said the house was nice and all (and had plenty of room for mini horses, Porta-potties and whatnot) but…it had a stackable washer and dryer. Farrah acts like that’s basically the same as the homeowners telling her that instead of laundering their clothes, they just go out back and beat them clean against the rocks.
“Sayonara, bitch!” Farrah cackles, as if anyone actually cares.
Just then, Farrah gets a text from her realtor. Apparently, the seller she just ambushed was upset that some random reality TV p0rn star stormed her house. The seller has also accused Farrah of being “touchy feely” once she got inside. (Hey—they should be happy; that usually costs $5.99 a minute extra!)
Naturally, because this is Farrah, she insists that the seller was, naturally, staring at her boobs. Meanwhile, Sophia is just sitting in the backseat, pretending to read her romance novel and thinking about slipping the Uber driver a note that begs him to take her with him.
Over in Tennessee, Maci and Taylor reminisce about Ryan and Mackenzie’s recent do-over wedding. They both admit that they never really thought Ryan would tie the knot. (In their defense, we’re pretty sure Ryan didn’t see himself getting married either… kind of how he didn’t see the road while driving to his first wedding.)
Later, Maci reveals that she’s in pain due to having Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Maci gives her friends a rundown on PCOS and mentions that it causes her to be irritable. (Maybe Farrah should get things checked out, you know just in case?)
We have to listen to Maci talk about her feminine bleeding and cramping which is a real treat. What’s next, us getting to watch Butch get a colonoscopy?
At Gary’s house, he and Kristina help Leah with a family tree project for school. (It’s unknown if she actually named all of Amber’s relatives, or just used their Prison ID numbers.)
Gary is upset when he realizes he doesn’t know if Jody is his real dad. In a desperate attempt to maintain a storyline on this show, Gary tells Kristina he wants to get a paternity test to find out if Jody is his biological father. Kristina agrees that it’s a good, given that Jody is riddled with medical issues that could potentially be passed down to Gary and his litter.
Jody later tells Gary he believes he’s his father but regardless of the outcome, he’ll remain involved in Gary’s kids’ lives…at least until the ‘Teen Mom’ money runs dry. Gary is hoping Jody IS his father, simply because then he doesn’t have to start at the bottom of the degenerate heap in search of Daddy Dearest.
Next we check in with Cate and Tyler and instantly we know something is up. They are playing the extra sad music, keeping the lighting dark and there are random hiking boots sitting on the table. Catelynn completes ignores the camera crew inside her house and goes to the bedroom.
Tyler tells Producer Kerthy that Catelynn recently had a miscarriage. Tyler explains it was very traumatic for them both.
They head to the doctor, (with a full MTV crew in tow, for some reason). The doctor confirms that Cate had lost the baby.
Naturally, Catelynn is in a bad way. She tells Producer Kerthy that, had it not been for Tyler and Nova, she probably would have “offed” herself. It’s a very scary situation, and Producer Kerthy doesn’t seem to know how to respond to that alarming statement. Catelynn says she doesn’t want to live another day like this. It feels wrong that they are filming this, and that we are watching this woman who just had her heart torn out.
The woman-part talk just keeps coming, as we head back to Tennessee to watch Maci go to her gynecologist. She wants to talk to him about her PCOS. She tells him that the only way she’s attempting to wrangle the disease is by using birth control. (Clearly, she’s not using it well. Just ask Jayde…and Maverick!)
In addition to meds, Maci’s doctor suggests a procedure called “ovarian drilling’ which Maci sounds less than pumped about, understandably so. (Wait—wasn’t this the name of the sequel to Farrah’s “Backdoor” adult movie—”Ovarian Drilling”?)
“We go in with a needle and electricity and burn about 40 holes in each ovary,” the doctor says.
(Y’all totally just Googled “ovarian drilling,” didn’t you? Yeah…that was a bad idea.)
Maci isn’t exactly thrilled with the thought of having 80+ holes poked into her nether-goods.
Speaking of folks who have had their holes poked, we next check in with Amber. She has torn herself away from her man-candy Andrew long enough to spend the day with Leah. Before she can get her long-lost daughter, though, Amber must confront a piece of her past…in the form of a doormat that legit says “Mr. & Mrs. Baier- Amber and Matt.”
Girl. MTV pays you upwards of $300k a season and you can’t hustle your overworked patootie to The Walmart and pick up a doormat that doesn’t celebrate the never-was union of you and Spongebob SpermPants, Matt?! COME ON. We know Amber’s lazy, but can’t she at least turn the damn Matt mat over now that her new soulmate is living in the house?!
Amber is stoked because she’s taking Leah to get a massage. This is, of course, just what every nine-year-old wants to do: have some stranger rub up all over them while they have to listen to their mother grunt and moan as some poor sap rubs the corns on her feet.
Meanwhile, Gary is also less-than-thrilled that he has to ask his sorta-dad, Jody, to take a DNA test to confirm that (in the words of the great Maury Povich) “He IS the father.” Jody agrees to get tested, which isn’t surprising. (Hey, it beats snarfing down a couple McRibs while watching the local tractor pull on the TV.)
We also learn that Jody wasn’t there the day Gary was born because he was (naturally) in the slammer. However, a judge had mercy on Jody and allowed him to get out early in order to go see his new son, Baby Gary. (Does anyone else have a hard time picturing Gary as an infant? He’s one of those people who seem like they could have been born being like 14 and asking for an extra GoGurt?)
Later we see Gary and Jody head out for some (potential) father-son cheek swab bonding at the ol’ DNA lab. For the occasion, Jody has dressed in his best Christmas-themed Looney Tunes sweatshirt, so we know it’s quite the special day!
Gary, the medical mind of the ‘Teen Mom’ franchise, explains how the DNA results are collected.
“It’s a swab…they probably, like, swab it up ‘n’ and have some sort of…test and stuff,” he says. “Then they see if they’re the same, or sumthin’, I dunno.”
(Potential) father and son reveal that they’re doing this behind Gary’s mom’s back, which may lead to some chair-throwin’ fun once she gets a load of what’s going on!
Back in Los Angeles, all hell has broken loose. Producer Kristen knocks on the window of Farrah’s Uber to give Farrah an update on the Set Teacher Crisis. Farrah is insisting that Kristen call up 1-800-SET-TEACH and just hire another teacher for Sophia to yell at for the day. Kristen, who lives in the real world, argues that is not possible.
“This bitch is fired today!” Farrah barks about the Hershey-dispersing set teacher.
Farrah then slams the door on Producer Kristen’s face and growls that she shouldn’t be working with her. (Meanwhile, Michael is catching a few winks of shut-eye before the next Farrah beat-down, while the Uber driver looks like he has already dialed “9-1” on his phone and is about ready to dial that last “1.”
Farrah tells Kristen that, just because she fired the set teacher, that doesn’t make it her responsibility to find another one. She ultimately calls Kristen “really, really ignorant” and adds that she doesn’t see the point of the set teacher.
“I wanna cancel the teacher!” Sophia babbles from the backseat. “What’s the point of the teacher?”
“There really isn’t any point,” Farrah says. “It’s an imaginary thing!”
Amy is trying to reason with these crazy people, explaining that this set teacher debacle is not something Producer Kristen came up with to annoy Farrah. She explains that this is actually a California law that they have to follow.
Farrah decides that because Producer Kristen couldn’t make a new set teacher magically appear within the hour, she is shutting down filming for the day. Everyone in the car is visibly uncomfortable, except for Farrah.
“I’m shutting my door, excuse me,” Farrah tells Producer Kristen as she slams her car door. “Thank you, I don’t want to bash your face in!”
Honestly, being bashed in the face by a door would be a welcomed change from being verbally bashed by Farrah. At least then Producer Kristen could file an assault charge against the Back-From-The-Dead Backdoor Teen Mom.
In Michigan, Tyler and Kerthy talk about what’s going on. Kerthy tells Tyler that Cate texted her that she was feeling suicidal. Tyler immediately breaks down and we learn that Cate is heading immediately to a treatment facility in Tucson. It’s no laughing matter, so we’re just gonna move right along…
Meanwhile, Ryan is coming down from the excitement of his recent wedding (among other things). Mackenzie is busy folding laundry. Ryan says that he’s sad they didn’t go on a honeymoon. It’s not surprising, though. After all, his last wedding to Mackenzie was followed by an all-expenses-paid trip to rehab!
Mac is rambling on and on about how their sons are family now and whatnot, while Ryan is doing his best to not fall asleep, face first, into a pile of chonies.
In Indiana, it’s time for Amber and Leah to get their rub-downs. Amber is thrilled, but Leah is so-so on the whole thing. She ends up covered in oil and having to pee.
Amber returns Leah to Gary and Kristina’s house, but not before she basically calls their daughter, Emilee, a cast-off from the movie “Children Of The Corn.” As you do…
Meanwhile, Gary and Jody head into get their DNA swabbed. (They do this at the incredibly named “Any Lab Test Now!” store.) Gar doesn’t spring for the legal DNA test, and goes for the discount “Informational” one, which is not accepted in court. (I wonder if you purchase the premium DNA package if Maury Povich will actually pop out and read your DNA test results to you!?)
The guys head back, and get their cheeks swabbed with a Q-tip. Jody seems thrilled to be taking a test that does not start with him peeing in a cup and end with him in an ankle bracelet for 6-8 months.
Gary tells Kristina later that he feels weird about having to get a “paternity test.”
“It sounds like sumthin’ girls get!” he says.
Farrah is back in Austin and it seems the whole “everything is bigger in Texas” slogan also applies to Farrah’s attitude. Still fuming about “really, really ignorant” Kristen, Farrah has no idea that they’re sending the bigwig of the franchise, Morgan J. Freeman (who is not the dude from “Shawshank Redemption) down to Texas to talk to Farrah.
We learn that Morgan wants to chat with Farrah about how awful she treats the producers, crew and the general human population. He also wants to discuss the fact that’s she’s once again back to hawking her naughty bits on sexy-time web cam sites.
“We really need to talk about how she treats producers,” Morgan says, as we get a flashback session of just a few of the times Farrah has treated the show’s crew like Starburst droppings.
Apparently, Farrah has been spouting about just firing everyone from the show (which she can’t do) and just producing her segments herself. Morgan chuckles at the thought of Farrah, who can barely string words together to form a cohesive sentence, producing a show solo.
Speaking of “shows,” MTV is apparently not down with Farrah shoving her lady-parts in front of a web cam again.
“She made the decision not to do any more p0rn,” Morgan says. “So why do you go and sign up to do live web cam shows?”
Morgan says that if Farrah decides to go through with her sexy-time web cam show, she won’t be allowed to be on ‘Teen Mom’ anymore.
They track Farrah down at Michael’s house, and we see the film crew and Morgan heading to the door.
After all the hype of the Morgan-Farrah showdown, MTV leaves us with a “To be continued” cliffhanger and some “Jaws”-esque intense music. WTF!
Even though we already know how this whole thing ends, we’re pretty excited to see the full conversation play out on camera. How excited? Picture the excitement of Ryan during his second wedding… only the complete opposite.
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recaps, click here!