‘Counting On’ Season 5 Episode 5 Recap: Motorboating Bachelor Party & (Another) Baby Announcement

Why Joy…you naughty lil minx, you…

Pack up your Wholesomewear skirted bathing frock because on this episode of Counting On we’re off to Beaver Lake for Joe and Kendra’s family-friendly bachelor/bachelorette weekend! There will be moist fundies for as far as the eye can see!

Before the wet and wild festivities begin, though, we have to head over to Laredo, Texas, and watch Jinger and Jeremy drink coffee. No, seriously. (I mean…they can’t do exciting things like install bookshelves and play tennis every day, people!)

Jing and Jer head over to the local coffee shop, where Jeremy (as per usual) tries to appear knowledgeable on things he knows little to nothing about. This time it’s “pour-over coffee.” We watch as Jeremy mansplains the rarity of pour-over coffee to the woman who literally owns the coffee shop. Thankfully, Jeremy doesn’t bust out any of his Google Spanish during the conversation, but it’s still a cringe-worthy scene.

Jinger likes her men how she likes her coffee…tall and vanilla.

“Wow…so you started a coffee shop because you like coffee?” Jerm asks the owner’s husband. “That’s amazing.”

Next the producers swing back to the Duggar Peanut Gallery to play another round of what is obviously the producers’ game: “Let’s See What Else the Duggars Don’t Know.”

First, the producers ask a random assortment of Duggars what they think “pour over coffee” is.

Josiah serves us the only noteworthy description of pour-over coffee when he claims it’s “when a flight attendant attempts to pour the hot brew but misses the cup and it goes all over your lap and you just have to sit there and take it.”

When you realize that you’re getting married in a few months so your coffee-lap fantasies will soon be coming true…

What kind of weirdo fantasies is this kid having?! Is he watching travel-themed p0rn with his big brother Josh or something? That’s entirely too specific to have been made up on the spot, and the creepy smirk he gives afterward only proves our point further. This guy needs to stick to cold brew…and then probably take a cold shower, too. (Also, it wouldn’t hurt ol’ Joy and Austin to scrub up too…just sayin’!)

Anyway, since they’re still actually trying to form a whole segment around Jinger and Jeremy GETTING COFFEE, the cameras follow them to their table and film them DRINKING THEIR COFFEE.

Oh, the humanity!

Out of nowhere, Jinger decides to take her love of coffee and bring the Duggar women into the 21st century by…(gasp!) talking about getting a job! She tells her husband that she wants to start roasting her own coffee and sell it online. Like, FOR MONEY.

Well…butter my butt and call me biscuit—one of these Duggar girls isn’t content being “joyfully available” to whatever rocks-for-brains simpleton her father chose for her. She wants a job!

“But..but..but…she’s a girl. Can she even do that?!”

What’s even more shocking is that Jeremy is totally supportive of this idea. He even comes up with a few suggestions on what she could call her coffee blend. (I mean, his suggestions are duller than Michelle’s closet full of brightly colored button-up shirts, but bless his heart, he tried.)

“You could call it Jinger’s Blend,” Jeremy says, “or Jinger’s Spice.”

Jinger is pretty sure she wants to call it the “Jinga Ninja.”

The producers realize that this is another perfect opportunity to make fun of the Duggar kids. They drag a collection of Duggar offspring and spouses and ask them what they would call their personal coffee blend.

“Yeah…I’m not doing this crap anymore…”

First on deck is Kendra. She giggles through her answer telling us that she’d call it “French Vanilla” because… “I like vanilla.”

Someone help Kendra, please. It’s hard for her!

Austin tells us he wants to call his “Austin’s Oasis” (which evokes frightening mental pictures of RV lovin’ for me, for some reason) while Joe states his would be, “Java Joe…there ya go!”

To validate her newfound hobby, Jinger decides she might even offer her coffee roasting services at Joe and Kendra’s wedding reception. Let’s pray to the Baby Jim Bob that they keep Ben away from the coffee bar because ain’t nobody want to see that bumbling buffoon all hyped up on caffeine. They’ll have to hide all of the sharp objects.

Meanwhile, over at the Duggar Compound, it’s party time!

Joe and Kendra are celebrating their joint bachelor/bachelorette party with a trip to…wait for it…BEAVER LAKE and an afternoon of wet ‘n’ wild fun.

It’s honestly too easy…

These won’t be the only blue balls Kendra rubs up against today, I assure you…

The party-goers are all dressed in their water skirts and T-shirts (and a few of the boys are actually wearing some sort of jean to swim in…as you do). They’re taking Jim Bob along to drive a boat, but Michelle is nowhere to be found. (We can only assume that she’s in the backroom praying to the Good Lord to place “just one more blessing” into her blown-out womb.)

The Duggars explain that their bachelor parties aren’t like other people’s pre-wedding parties. Instead of beer, they have a cooler full of Capri Suns. Instead of strippers they have…Jim Bob in flip flops.

“I could have dressed up as a cop or a fireman or something.”

Kendra has brought her pastor father along on her bachelorette party (again, as you do), and he will be driving another boat. She’s all suited up in her water wear, which includes a long T-shirt, leggings, a water skirt and some sort of additional “modesty flap” to cover up her blessing-maker. Once Joe sees her in that get-up even he may need a modesty flap over his long shorts! Meee-ow!

Once they arrive at the marina, the giant group splits among three boats, with Pastor Caldwell driving the speed boat and doing his best to throw off as many people as humanly possible into the disgusting water. This is the most fun you can have without having to be sent to ALERT Academy afterward, y’all!

This will bode well for Joe come wedding night…

Jim Bob is driving the boat with Joy, Austin and Jana (who is, of course, busy organizing kids and keeping everyone fed). Joy tells us that she and Austin are choosing to sit out on the water adventures this time.

Seriously, the only two that could really use a good bath are staying dry. WTF? If they don’t want to go tubing, can they at least head over to the shore and take a dip? This is the most water they’ve been around since they moved into the showerless Bang Bus!

Joy tells us that she just wasn’t “feeling up” to tubing. The producers ask why she wasn’t feeling well and Joy smiles. (Um…give it up, girl. The title of this episode is ‘A New Bundle of Joy’ so we already know you’ve been implanted with the Seed ‘o’ Austin. STOP.IT.)

When you realize that your tubing fun days are over and you’re staring down the barrel of being pregnant for 20 years…

Over on the third boat, John David has the Devil in him a bit, as he’s clearly getting pleasure from thrashing his brothers and sisters around on the tube as he drives the boat erratically. This may be the most normal John David has ever looked, actually. He has his hat on backward, is relaxing with a cold non-alcoholic drink and is having a good time.

Next up on the tube are Kendra and Joe, who toe the line of Duggar decree for the third episode in a row! They start off lying next to each other on the tube, without a chaperone! (Thank goodness they didn’t have Jim Bob lie between them so their elbows didn’t touch!)

“Just wait until we can do this without our life vests on…if ya know what I mean!”

John David steps on the gas and soon, Joe and Kendra are flying all over the water. At one point, Joe legit MOUNTS Kendra and gives us a good idea of what happened in the honeymoon suite. This is, of course, something we never needed to see.

Joe protests that the mounting was OK because it’s real hard (pun intended) not to do that when you’re tubing.

“I think we just made a baby, Joe!”

The partying continues with a hot dog lunch (served by Jana, natch) and a game of “Chubby Bunny.” Basically, Joe and Kendra answer questions about each other and have to shove marshmallows in their mouths every time they answer incorrectly. (Poor Joe is probably struggling to concentrate, having just felt Kendra’s KNEE CAP for the very first time during the tubing excursion.)

The first question asks how many kids the two want and to nobody’s surprise, they both give the same response: however many the Lord/Kendra’s uterus will allow.

Jana also asks Kendra if she knows Joe’s shoe size. Kendra guesses way too big. (She’s obviously going to be a little disappointed come the wedding night.)

Back in Laredo, Jeremy and Jinger’s coffee roaster has arrived and they are legitimately pumped, which tells you how much excitement these two have going on in their lives. Once the roasting gets going, Jeremy and Jinger patiently await “the first crack.” (Hell, if I were in this family, I’d probably want some crack too.)

It IS nice to see one of these girls have a hobby that doesn’t require a birthing tub.

Their first batch ends up being a bust but since these two have nothing else to do with their time, they give it a second go and it appears to be a success.

They take their beans inside and whip up an espresso, which they both say taste like acid yet they continue to sip on. (If I were in this family, I’d probably want acid too.)

OK, I’m not even gonna hate on them because it’s cute that he is so excited for her…

In other news, we legit just watched about 15 minutes of footage of these two drinking and making coffee. What are we doing with our lives, people!

We next head over to Joy and Austin’s still unfinished house, where the Filthy Forsyths are making plans to tell their families their “mysterious” news. Soon Joy lets the cat out of the bag—she’s SPERMINATED, y’all!

“Let’s just say we’ve been giving the kitchen ants quite a show the last few weeks in the RV!”

The couple is eager to tell their baby news, but know that they have to act fast or one of their siblings will blab to the rest of the family (and/or the tabloids?)

First up on the Blessing Announcement Tour are Austin’s parents. Joy looks about 16 months pregnant, but these people are actually trying to pretend they have no idea she’s with-blessing.

“Am I really supposed to stand here and act like she don’t look pregnant? Come on, boy!”

Next, they head to a coffee shop to meet up with Jim Bob and Michelle. (Naturally, their litter of young children was left with Jana, we can assume.) Joy tells them that they will soon have a 10th grandchild. For a minute, JB and Michelle look like they’re wondering who the hell Joshy knocked up, given that his wife Anna is already pregnant. Then they realize that it’s Joy who is pregnant.

Naturally, because it’s Jim Bob and Michelle, they make it all about them, talking about how many grandkids that makes for them. No one seems concerned that this girl is still a teenager but married, pregnant and basically one step away from living in a tent city.

Jim Bob and Michelle do the creepy thing where they call each other “Daddy” and “Mama” and it makes me want to upchuck my Jinger Ninja coffee.

“OOH! We can probably get at least two specials out of this birth, Daddy!”

Next it’s off to Jessa and Ben’s house. Joy has had shirts made for The Spurge and Henry that say “Cousin Crew.” Ben stares at the shirt and asks what it means. Finally, Jessa puts her homeschooled mind to good use and figures it out.

“Are y’all havin’ a kid?” she asks in the joyless tone possible. (You know she’s jealous that she’s not going to be the one huffin’ out the baby on camera and getting all the attention!)

“Really Dad? You seriously couldn’t connect the dots on that?”

Later, Jessa proudly tells us that she’s done the math and has figured out that this baby is a honeymoon baby. Ben looks confused even at just the mention of the word “math.”

Someone help Ben…it’s hard for him.

After contacting the less-important siblings via text message and video chat, Joy and Austin’s final stop is the Duggar Compound to share the news with “the littles.” The kids pop a confetti-filled balloon with the big news in it and they act moderately thrilled to have another name they’ll have to remember. Off camera, Jana receives a call to come clean up the mess they’ve made.

Judging by the look on her face through this entire scene, Johanna is not happy another one of her sisters is turning into a baby factory…

On next week’s episode, we get to see Joe and Kendra get married… again. Ordinarily this news wouldn’t be very exciting, but knowing that we’ll get to see Joe’s cry face again is our idea of a true blessing.

To read our previous ‘Counting On’ recap, click here!

(Photos: TLC)

10 Responses

  1. The Tube mounting was a riot. I couldn’t believe we were literally watching Joe ON TOP of Kendra……also did anyone catch Jessa saying she told Jinger she should brew her own coffee?? Of course she had to ensure she was credited if Jinga Ninja takes off! I think Ben, Austin, Joy and Kendra in particular are reminders of how young these people really are.

  2. There’s just something really depressing about Joy and Austin, even their wedding special. Kendra reminds me of a little Michelle, with a laugh that makes her even more annoying. Ben has grown on me. He seems like a great dad.

  3. Last season Austin said he made a deal with his dad that he would help flip 7 (I think?) Houses before he entered into courtship. This last house he bought seems to be taking forever to fix up for his wifey. I guess they are too preoccupied in the shaggin wagon. Remember when he thought they could fix it up before the wedding? Lolololol!

  4. I can’t watch this show. It makes me sad, cringe, feel sick all in one go. I love reading your updates Ashley, they are fabulous! The whole family creeps me out. What I find odd is that all the girls are very pretty, whereas I can’t think of one boy that’s attractive. They all look like they’d smell a little of sweat and cheetos…

    1. Same here. I did watch Jinger’s wedding though. I thought her dress was beautiful. I’m glad she’s happy now.

  5. Thanks Ashley I can’t stand to watch I just read your articles on this one.
    Why is Joy and Austin building a house and not living in a Jim Bob house?

      1. I thought Jingers husband was cute ( I watched the wedding) but it seemed to me like she was a little frisky to get things going which was really awkward and I don’t mean sex I mean it looked so awkward when she kissed the guy like she attacking a Cow looking for milk

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