It’s t-shiiiiirrrrttt time!!
It’s the phrase that Jersey Shore fans never thought they’d hear on their TVs again (unless they scoured through YouTube videos to watch old episodes or something.) Thank the reality TV gods—the kids from Jersey Shore are back!
When Jersey Shore Family Vacation was first announced, fans thought maybe the producers would choose to show the more mature side of the cast. After all, most of them are married with kids by now. Thankfully, we’re dealing with MTV here, so instead of showing Snooki taking her kids to the zoo or something, we’re going to watch her get wasted and fall in the street. THANK THE GOOD LORD!
The episode starts off with a little recap of where our favs are in life now. JWoww and Snooki are both married with two kids each. Pauly D is a DJ in Vegas and a father to a little girl. (You may have forgotten but a few years back, Pauly hit-it-and-quit-it on a Vegas club waitress and knocked her up.)
Ronnie also lives in Vegas with his pregnant girlfriend, Jen. Vinny lives in Staten Island with his girlfriend, but still has his mom still come over to do his laundry.
Deena lives in New Jersey with her husband, and Mike “The Situation” is living with his girlfriend and wrestling with that pesky tax evasion court case that’s fixin’ to send him to the slammer.
The only one absent from this smut show is Sammi “Sweetheart.“ She has elected to do her smushing off-camera from now on.
The cast is excited to meet up with their old roommates.
“It’s been a long time since we’ve been living under the same roof, but we’ve grown up…. I mean sort of,” JWoww says.
Before they head out we learn how some of the cast have changed. Gone are the days of The Situation guzzling “Ron-Ron Juice” (but, to be fair, once he’s in the clink, he may be doing that again…in a different way). He’s now clean and sober.
It’s finally time to leave and everyone is boarding the planes…. except The Situation. He gets a call from his lawyer who tells him he can’t leave right now because of his court case.
“Mike could possibly go to jail while we are in Miami,” Vinny tells us.
Snooki, JWoww and Deena are the first to arrive to the Miami house.
“We have a pool,” Snooki screams. “I can’t wait to pee in it!”
What a time to be alive!
As soon as Pauly D and Ronnie walk in, Ronnie starts talking about Sammi. It literally took him about 15 seconds to bring up his former sparring partner.
Vinny arrives and has bad news: 1) he’s given up carbs so he’ll probably be super-annoying throughout this whole season and, oh, yeah, 2) The Situation’s not coming.
Everyone is bummed out that Mike is stuck in Jersey, facing some Judge Judy wannabe when he should be making a fool out of himself down in Miami.
Pauly decides to cheer everyone up by bringing in his surprise. He drags a big plastic bag into the house and everyone is curious to see what’s in it. Naturally, it’s a body.
For their mocking pleasure, Pauly has brought an extremely life-like sex doll that actually looks like Sammi. It even plays Sammi’s make-you-wanna-claw-your-own-eyes-out voice, spouting some of her most popular catchphrases including the classic, “Raaahn! Staaaahp!”
Sex Doll Sammi is even wearing a shirt that says, “I’m in a really good place,” which is exactly what Sammi said when she was asked why she didn’t want to take part in this nutshow.
Soon, we hear a familiar quack. The infamous duck phone has traveled down to Miami for the Shore crew’s communication needs. It’s Mike calling to let his friends know that he pleaded guilty and now the judge will let him come to Miami to film.
The gang is thrilled that The Sitch will get to join in on the hi-jinks. To celebrate, they decide to go out for the first time in Miami.
That’s right biotches—it’s T-SHIRT TIME!
Soon, the “caaaabs are here” and the crew is on the town.
Snooki and JWoww are feeling a bit of mom guilt, but Snooki insists that slugging back drinks on the dance floor every once in a while never hurt anyone.
“Every mom needs to get out,” Snooki tells us. “I never drink like this at home.”
Jwoww is not impressed with how the club scene has changed since she left it for nipple guards, bottles and crappy diapers. (Actually, that sounds like an episode of Season 4 ‘Jersey Shore’ to be honest.)
“It’s a weird era,” Jwoww says. “Everyone wants to sit on the dance floor and, like, bop and sip their drink.”
Luckily, the Shore crew isn’t there to “bop.” They rage out on the dance floor, fist pumping with all their might. Soon, Vinny is white girl wasted and doing this:
“I don’t know what is in his Keto diet but what I do know is that he doesn’t eat many carbs, so he gets drunk fast,” Pauly says.
Ronnie corners Deena in the club and starts whining about Sam not being there. Deena doesn’t understand why Ronnie is still worried about Sam when he has a pregnant girlfriend at home. Ronnie looks like he legit forgot about the lady back home carrying his spawn.
On the other side of the club, Vinny is being Pauly’s wingman.
“I’m even holding this girl’s hand while she’s grinding on Pauly because she might hurt her back from twerking. You can’t get a better f**king wingman than that,” he says.
(And, yes, it made for as creepy of a scene as you’re picturing in your head.)
By this time, Snooki is fall-down drunk. JWoww knows it’s time to head home when random Snooki body parts start popping out.
“Your nipple is out! Let’s go in the cab,” JWoww yells at Snooki.
Snooki falls in the street (as you do) and Pauly tells us what we already know: that this vacation is going to be the “biggest s**t show Miami has ever seen.”
They finally arrive home and for some reason the power is out in the house. (Perhaps the city of Miami is protesting having these degenerates in the area?)
“We have six drunk guidos and now no lights in the house,” Vinny says.
Snooki decides to strip down, get in the pool and pee. Some things never change.
They decide to order pizza and Vinny is eating the toppings off the pizza.
“Vin, Really? You’re really gonna disrespect that pie like that? That’s not Italian,” Pauly tells him.
Eventually everyone scampers to bed, resting up so they have plenty of energy to make more bad decisions tomorrow.
Speaking of bad decisions, the next day The Situation arrives. Vinny and Pauly pick him up from the airport, while Snooki and JWoww are crying because they miss their kids.
At dinner, everyone goes around the table telling The Situation how much he used to suck, which is always a fun game to play with friends.
They head back to the house to drink, and Snooki tells us that she and Deena have classed it up since we last saw them.
“We don’t even chug vodka anymore. We chug wine. It’s like a classier meatball,” Snooki says.
After chugging enough wine, Snooki and Deena decide to drown the Sammi doll in the pool. They snicker, but then tragedy strikes.
Snooki realizes she has lost her wedding ring.
“Right after Snooks threw Sam in the pool, she lost one of her rings. Oh my God! Karma is not just a club,” The Situation says.
Everyone begins to search for the ring. For two hours they comb the entire backyard with flash lights and production lights. Snooki is sobbing, and then storms off and says she’s going home.
The episode ends with Snooki calling her parents on the duck phone in tears telling them she’s coming home. Meanwhile, everyone is prowling the yard looking for the ring.
Until next time…try to keep your nipples from popping out!