Put on your finest T-shirt and slather on an extra layer of self-tanner because we’ve got a very important Situation happening on this episode of Jersey Shore Family Vacation! Mike is about to pop the question to his longtime girlfriend Lauren!
Before we can get to the proposing and whatnot, though, we check in with the roommates, who are about to get some very special visitors! Vinny’s mother Paola is in Miami to see the gang (and stuff them full of Italian sausages…no not in that way, you sickos!)
In addition to an Italian feast, Paola has also brought Uncle Nino to Miami with her! As ‘Jersey Shore’ fans know, Nino shows up from time to time, annoys everyone and then goes away. (He’s kind of like herpes!)
He’s the most stereotypical Guido to ever appear on this show– and that’s saying something! Nino is out, living his best life in Miami, as Paola is cooking up a storm in the kitchen.
The roommates arrive home and immediately notice the variety of smells wafting through the house. (For once, it’s not whatever Ronnie torpedoed into the toilet bowl that’s smelling up the place!)
Vinny smells the food and immediately knows that his mom has arrived. While he’s happy to see her, he’s less-than-thrilled that she’s allowed Uncle Nino to tag along on the trip.
“He’s the most annoying motherf**ker that exists,” Vinny tells us. “His body is offensive, his tan is offensive, you can’t take him in public.”
Mike doesn’t care about any of that, though. All he sees is the bowls of pasta, meats, cheeses and other foods that Paola has prepared. He’d legit share a dinner table with Mussolini if it meant he’d be able to get his mitts on Paola’s lasagna!
Naturally, Paola is thrilled to see Mike enjoying her food.
“God bless you!” she exclaims as she loads up his fifth plate of feed. (Something tells me that her son, the “Keto Guido,” doesn’t scarf down too much of her food these days.)
After the whole gang is stuffed to capacity with food (I think Mike may have needed to be helped away from the table), the boys take Uncle Nino outside to roast him. For the occasion, Nino is dressed in a bathrobe, with most likely nothing underneath.
“It’s hard to roast someone who has no shame,” Pauly D says. “You can’t roast this guy. He’s unroastable.”
Nino makes fun of Ronnie, calling him fat and stupid for knocking a girl up. In between insults, he just randomly keeps shouting “God Bless America!”…as you do.
Then, for some reason, we spend five minutes watching everyone trying to bust open a coconut they got from a tree in their backyard. (This may be the first time in ‘Jersey Shore’ history that someone has had difficulty busting a nut.)
Finally, Paola comes out and instructs the guys to use a pan to pop open the coconut.
“Just put the tip in!” she tells Vinny, who does manage to open it, all while the rest of the guys collapse in laughter at Paola’s instruction.
The next morning, Jenni, Nicole, and Deena try and make breakfast for Paula to thank her for the dinner she cooked them the night before. As the girls are reheating some Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches, Paola chats with Ronnie about the girl he knocked up. Surprisingly, she advises him not to marry his baby mama.
“You don’t have to rush it,” she tells him. (Um…Paola? Your “just put the tip in” advice probably would have come in handy for Ronnie about six months ago in whatever Vegas club bathroom his daughter was conceived in. Just sayin’…)
Ronnie admits he’s terrified about becoming a father. If only there were some sort of contraption he could have used, before having sex, that would have prevented Jen from getting pregnant!
Finally, it’s time for Paola and Uncle Nino to go home. They hug everyone goodbye and as Nino hugs Mike, he whispers (in true Guido fashion), “If you go in [to jail] I have a lot of people on the inside.”
I think that’s nice…
Later, the gang is sitting around the fire drinking and Ronnie starts confiding in everyone about his problems with his pregnant girlfriend Jen. He tells them that Jen cheated on him in the past and now he doesn’t trust her.
“It makes total sense why Ronnie has been acting the way he has because of what Jen did to him,” Jenni says.
UM…this dude became a drooling, sweaty mess who basically banged it out with some random French club chick after being on vacation for about 3 minutes. I think they can call it even!
The next day, Mike’s girlfriend Lauren is visiting the house, and everyone is excited because they know Mike is proposing. The only problem? Mike seems to have absolutely no plans for the proposal.
(Anyone else think Mike is one of those guys who, without help, would have put the ring into Lauren’s burger or something and thought that was a really romantic way to ask her to McMarry him? Then he would have eaten the burger, obviously…)
“I feel like he’s a child. He’s legit like an infant. He doesn’t know what to do,” Nicole says.
The crew decides they will set everything up in the backyard and it will be a Shorehouse Proposal. While they’re talking, the ring gets delivered to the house. Jenni makes sure everyone knows that she helped Mike with the ring. She’s bragging about how she found the jeweler and helped design it.
Take a seat there, JWoWW. You weren’t out in the diamond mines, digging for the jewels.
They go to lunch to plan Mike’s proposal.
“Mike needs help and Jesus,” Jenni says.
The crew is picking up “some weird tension” between Jenni and Mike, Pauly D tells us.
Mike, as per usual, is totally clueless.
“Jenni seems to be getting a little hostile towards my proposal and I’m baffled,” Mike says.
Jenni says she wants the proposal to be perfect because Lauren has been there for Mike through all of the tough times. The boys go out to get their haircut and reminisce about all of the girls they banged.
I think that’s nice…
“The tales of The Situation are legendary,” Mike tells us. “Me hanging up my player’s jersey and going into the Hall of Fame…it was only a matter of time.”
While getting their haircut, Mike–who is, again, clueless–says he wants to prank Jenni by throwing a pie in her face because she’s been shading him lately. The other guys know this is a bad idea, but don’t tell Mike this.
That night, Lauren arrives at the house. When they’re all sitting around talking, Jenni tells Lauren that Mike needs someone to hold his hand and Mike kind of blows her off. This makes Jenni really mad.
In the cab on the way to dinner, Ronnie spills the beans to Jenni that Mike is planning to prank her by throwing a pie in her face.
“Ronnie was like totally hitting the hater button on Mike,” Deena says, adding that she suspects Ronnie is jealous of Mike’s healthy relationship.
Meanwhile, Jenni is furious when she finds out about Mike’s “3 Stooges”-esque plan to throw a pie at her mug.
They arrive at the restaurant and Jenni is still pissed. (She’s making a sour face, but due to all of her Botox, it’s kind of hard to tell.)
To get more attention, Jenni starts being extra petty. While everyone is eating, Jenni says, “I’m about to ruin someone’s proposal.” Nicole and Deena try to talk her down and are hoping Lauren doesn’t hear her.
Deena decides to take Lauren outside so Jenni and Mike can talk out their Situation. Jenni asks Mike straight-out if he did, indeed, plan to smash a delectable dessert in her face. At first he makes weird faces to try to stall and figure out how the answer that question without getting hit in the face by Jenni.
He finally admits that he was going to do it, but says he thought it would all be harmless fun. He apologizes to Jenni and they squash their beef. (We don’t get to find out what happened to the pie that was going to be smashed in Jenni’s face, but we can just assume Mike ended up eating it.)
Throughout the whole discussion, Ronnie is sitting there looking guilty, knowing that it was him who told Jenni about the pie-throwing plan.
After dinner, everyone else goes to bed but Ronnie is awake downstairs drinking and thinking about his disastrous life. He goes into the confessional to pour his heart out. He said everyone else is happy and he doesn’t have what they have. He then starts crying because he was with Sammi for eight years and it didn’t work out and now he has some random girl pregnant.
“Here I am, same crying ass bitch Ronnie, in the same f***king place,” he wails before going to bed.
On the next episode, we’ll see Mike propose to Lauren and Ronnie realize what a complete mess he’s made of his life.
To read our previous ‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ recaps, click here!