Note: The Ashley is aware that this is not the most-recent episode of ‘Teen Mom 2.’ However, she had many requests from readers who wanted a recap of this episode. The Ashley will be recapping this week’s episode as well, and will be posting it soon!
Hey y’all! It’s time to check back in the cast of Teen Mom 2! Our favorite breeders are extra busy this week getting plastic surgery and going on dream Hawaiian vacations and whatnot. You know, just the average young moms doing average things!
(And here you are thinking you were smart for making it through high school without Juvenile Hall Jimmy shooting his sperm into your teenage hoo-ha and knocking you up! You could be lounging on a beach in Hawaii or getting a tummy tuck right now instead of sitting at your desk at work reading this crap!)
Anyway, we kick this episode off in Miami, where Briana‘s friend “Shirley” has just had her insides torn into by Dr. Miami-stein. Bri is waiting for her turn to be carved up by the Doc when Javi strolls into the doctor’s office waiting room. Briana is upset that Javi dared to show up after making a big ol’ stink about not wanting her to be broadcast on The Snapchat while her insides were being sucked out.
Briana says that it’s super awkward now that Javi has shown up to “help.” (As you’ll remember, Bri had already lined up another ex-boyfriend– some mystery hooligan named Dre— to help her wipe her butt after surgery. Perhaps she can delegate one butt cheek per ex-boyfriend now that Javi’s there too?)
“God I’m so stressed out!” Bri wails to her producer.
(Don’t you hate it when you’re about to get free plastic surgery and you have not one but TWO goons willing to take care of you as long as you give them a chance to get their mugs on camera?! #TypicalTeenMomLife)
Apparently Javi is trying to pretend that he had no idea that the ‘Teen Mom’ cameras were going to be documenting Briana’s butt removal, and Briana says he’s lying.
Briana waddles her pre-surgery butt upstairs to go claim whatever’s left of “Shirley’s” body, yelling that she’s “Aggravated as f**k!”
“Shirley” is shoveled into Bri’s car, as Javi stands there with a goofy look on his face. He crawls into the backseat.
They get “Shirley” into the rental condo (with Javi shamelessly carrying her butt pillow…as you do). The girls are talking about how weird it is that Javi came.
“It’s me!” he announces as he creeps into the room where “Shirley” and Briana are.
“It sure is,” Briana says while rolling her eyes.
Meanwhile, in South Dakota, Chelsea, Randy and Cole are sitting down to lunch to chat about Chelsea’s pregnancy. Chelsea says she is 14 weeks along, and they are trying to keep the news on the down-low.
In other news, Chelsea is planning to take Aubree to go visit Paislee, her half-sister. Chelsea says that Paislee hasn’t seen her father, Adam, in months, so at least if Chelsea takes Aubree to visit her, the kid will get to see some of her family. Randy and Cole talk about how weird it is that a dad can be OK without seeing his kids.
Over in North Carolina, Jenelle is doing her best to avoid seeing her ex-soulmate Nathan. She’s trying to enlist her [too-pretty-and-normal-to-be-Jenelle’s-friend] pal Jaime to fetch the kid from Nathan’s sweaty mitts, so that she and Lurch don’t have to do it.
Lurch’s mother is now refusing to participate in the drop-off shenanigans anymore, so Lurch and Jenelle are desperate to find someone new to do it.
Here’s a thought: why not suck it up, act like adults, go get your kid without speaking to your ex and be on your merry way?! (Just kidding: this is Jenelle we’re talking about.)
Jenelle said that she doesn’t want to see Nathan without Lurch by her side, and since Lurch got the ol’ boot from MTV, she can’t bring him along while she’s filming.
“I’m not going there alone, and David can’t come ’cause we’re filmin’!” Jenelle pouts.
Oh, the dilemma!
Jamie agrees to fetch the kid, telling Jenelle she’d “love to.” However she says it with the same enthusiasm she’d say she’d “love to” pick barnacles off of Lurch’s feet.
Later, Jamie does take Kaiser to meet up with Nathan. Kaiser is thrilled to see Nate, and is waving and screaming “Daddy!” as soon as he sees Nathan.
Nate emerges from his car, wearing a sliced-to-the-limit workout tank (naturally). You can basically smell the tanning lotion and protein powder through the TV.
Jamie and Nathan exchange pleasantries (and actually act like adults, which is always a shocker whenever that happens on this show). Nate slings Kaiser over his tanned shoulder and heads off.
Nathan and his girlfriend Ashley take Kaiser out to eat. They promptly throw headphones over his ears so they can talk crap on Jenelle.
I think that’s nice…
Before the crap-talking can commence, though, Nathan is serving up some of his classic pickup lines on his galpal.
“If I could put ya on an artpiece, I could probably get a billion dollars,” he tells her.
Awww…nothing says romance like bragging about how much money you could get if you sold your girlfriend!
Nathan then tells his “Mona Lisa” of a girlfriend that he has prepared paperwork to change his custody arrangement for Kaiser. He says now that he’s not on the hook for any legal charges anymore (!) he can try to fight for his kid on his own. He says he’s prepared to do “whatever it takes” to get more time with Kaiser.
The editors then turn Nathan into a red cartoon bull for some reason, which we can only assume is their slick way of saying whatever Nathan is telling us is all bulls**t.
While all this is going on, Leah and Kail are living it up while on vacation together in Hawaii. Leah is not used to “the traveling” and whatnot, and declares that she’d like to get the hell out of The WV on the regular.
They frolic on the beach, go snorkeling and hike through the jungle. During a car ride on the island, Kail tells her pals that Baby Daddy #3 Chris is taking advantage of the fact that she’s in Hawaii, and demanding he be allowed to see Lux. The baby is currently being watched by “Bone,” and Kail is trying to arrange it so Chris can see the kid, even though up until now he hasn’t had any interest in his child.
“He’s trash!” Kail’s friend declares.
Meanwhile, in Florida, while Bri is away, Devoin is on Daddy Duty. After Roxanne tells him which daughter is his, he takes Nova to the park for some bonding time. Nova, though, seems to be thrilled to finally be spending time with her dad.
Over in Miami, Bri sits down with Javi for an awkward conversation. Javi (kind of) apologizes for talking about Briana on Kail‘s podcast.
“I’m sorry…but I was on there praising you!” Javi insists.
Then, Javi says that he had every right to go on Kail’s podcast and talk crap about Briana, since Bri went straight to her ex Dre to get him to care for her, instead of going to Javi.
Briana insists that she and Dre are just friends (who used to do the Horizontal Mambo on the regular, of course). She also reminds Javi that they were/are/will be broken up.
Javi says he switched his whole schedule around to come down to Miami to wipe Briana’s butt, and he doesn’t feel like she even appreciates it. He then tells her that he has some other broad who is READY AND WILLING TO MOVE TO DOVER to fill Briana’s spot in the Papi Javi Love Nest if Briana doesn’t want it.
Briana (and everyone else watching) can’t believe that Javi would say that. She storms out (rightfully so), yelling “You can leave!”
Javi just yells, “What did I say!?”
Javi– go buy yourself a helmet because once Roxanne hears about this, shoes, vases and maybe even leftovers from Briana’s butt will be flying all over the place!
“How do you try to give me a ring and then….he really is a piece of s**t!” Briana cries to “Shirley.”
Even in her post-surgery state, “Shirley” knows that Briana and Javi are a hot mess, and she advises her friend to give him the boot.
In South Dakota, it’s time for Aubree and Paislee to meet up and go bowling. Watson is muggin’ for the camera as the family drives through the cornfields to get to the bowling alley. Before they get out of the car, Chelsea reminds Aubree not to squeal that there’s another baby in her belly.
Soon, the sisters are reunited and they are thrilled to see each other. As the girls bowl, Chelsea talks with Paislee’s mom Taylor about what a piece of crap Adam is. They also discuss how Adam’s parents are totally oblivious to the fact that their son is failing drug tests on the regular.
Taylor says Daddy Dearest Adam hasn’t contacted her in a year, and that Adam’s parents refuse to go see Paislee at the court-ordered visitation center.
Just then, Paislee asks Aubree if Cole is her dad. Aubree looks like she doesn’t know what to say, and the adults laugh it off. After saying “cheeseballs” for a few pics, the girls part ways and the moms vow to keep them in contact.
Meanwhile, Nathan and Kaiser are busy flexin’ on the mini golf course (as you do), when Barbara calls him up.
“Oh, hi Nathan!” Babs cackles over the phone.
Babs informs Nate that “Kaisa” made Lurch really mad when he “accidentally” peed on him recently. Barb says that Jace told her that Lurch spanked Kaiser really hard over the incident, and that Jace told her Kaiser gets spanked by Lurch all the time. Nathan is understandably upset by this news.
They make a date to discuss the incident, and agree to have lunch together the next day.
Years ago, at the height of the Jenelle/Nathan saga, we could have never guessed that Barb would end up being so chummy with one of Jenelle’s boooooooyfriends!
The next day, Nathan meets up with Barb to discuss “the David situation.” Barb attempts to fist-bump Nate as he enters, but then goes in for the hug.
Nathan tells Barb that Kaiser tells him he doesn’t want to go back to The Land because there’s too much yelling over there. Babs says that Jace tells her the same thing. Nathan says he’s trying to file a motion of contempt, due to the fact that Lurch and Jenelle are always late to drop off Kaiser, and use “vulgarity” around the kid.
Barb says that Jace calls her the “MF” word every time he returns from a venture on The Land.
Nathan says that Jenelle and Lurch need to pass a psychological evaluation and a drug test.
Um…most of the people on this show probably couldn’t pass one of those tests, let alone both. That’s kind of why we watch this crap…
Babs advises Nathan to write all the criminal things Jenelle and Nathan do on a “calenda,” just like she’s been doing since 2009. (Barb is coming in with those receipts!)
Meanwhile, in Hawaii, Leah calls up Corey Tyler to see how her twin youngins are doing while she’s away. Leah’s worried about Ali, who has been sick. Corey Tyler assures Leah that Ali is better now, but she’s still worried because Ali has been struggling physically lately.
Leah tells her friends that she feels that Corey Tyler was short with her on the phone, and she is worried he’s judging her for leaving the girls to go frolic in Hawaii.
The next day, the group decides to go sky-diving and Leah is nervous.
Kail tells her that sky-diving changed her life the first time she did it. After taking the plunge, Kail says she got divorced, graduated college and she plucked the house right out from under Javi.
Who would have thunk that falling from the sky could have done all that?!
As they exit the car, Leah looks like she’s about to piss her britches, but she is determined to go through with it. They get all harnessed up and are given the safety rules to help prevent them from plunging to their death.
Once up in the airplane, each girl is strapped to a man (!) , and soon they are all airborne. The skydives go well and everyone lands safely (and no one gets pregnant, so there’s that….) Leah is proud of herself for going through with it.
Finally we head to Miami one last time, where Bri is still reeling from Javi telling her that he has another girl on speed dial who is ready to move in with him. From her deathbed, “Shirley” tells Javi that he was wrong to say that to Briana. Javi says that it was OK that he was lining up girls to take Briana’s place, since they were broken up at the time…or something.
“Shirley” says it’s wrong of Javi to talk about having a Plan B. (“Shirley” seems like a gal who would be very familiar with the Plan B, you know?)
He calls in Briana, and then basically tries to get her to apologize to him. (Umm?) She says that Javi was trying to throw it in her face that he had other girls on standby to replace her.
Javi then says that he only mentioned his willing-to-move side dish because he wanted Briana to know that he wasn’t willing to settle for just anyone!
Oh, Javi. You’re good. You make no sense, but you get an A+ when it comes to trying to weasel out of crap you did.
He offers to stay to take care of Briana after her surgery. She agrees, saying she will allow him to wipe her butt post-surgery, but she refuses to let him to hug her.
That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom 2!’ But grab your butt pillows, kids, because next week Briana goes under the knife!
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom 2’ recap, click here!