Gather ‘round kiddies, because it’s time for a Very Special Episode of the Teen Mom 2. A lot of crazy stuff is about to go down: Briana basically gets a new body from the Dr. Miami Swapmeet ‘o’ Tucked-and-Sucked Limbs, while other girls face baby daddy drama.
Oh, and Jenelle—a girl who honestly shouldn’t even be allowed to have anything more dangerous than a Sharpie marker in her possession—waves a freaking gun around like she’s Yosemite Sam on a bender.
Put on your bulletproof vests, y’all, because it’s about to get wild!
We start things off in Miami, where Briana is busy scheduling times for her assorted ex-boyfriends to nurse her back to health after she gets her butt vacuumed out the next day. Last episode, Javi “magically” appeared like a fame-hungry leprechaun to “help” take care of Briana…and basically yell at her for lining up her other ex, Dre, to clean her festering wounds.
Bri is planning to have Javi take care of her for the first couple of days, and then shuffle Dre into the mix to take over nursing duties once Javi returns to Delaware (and/or whatever other girl he has waiting for him).
Briana facetimes her mom Roxanne to check on her daughters and fill Roxanne in on the “Javi Situation.”
RoRo is not happy. She says she kind of expected that Javi would show his face.
“What do ya need him there for!?” she screeches into the phone. “So he can still get in the f**king limelight?!”
Roxanne encourages Bri to give Javi the boot and find someone else to wipe her butt after surgery.
“I swear to God I’ll pull a f**king ninja move on him!” Roxanne says.
(Anyone else really, really want to see Roxanne bust her ninja moves?)
Meanwhile, in Delaware, Kail has returned from her Hawaiian adventure and is reuniting with her litter ‘o’ kids.
Kail tells her friend, The Bone, that Baby Daddy #3, Chris, called her a bad mom for leaving her kids to go on vacation. (This is, of course, the same dude who probably wouldn’t be able to pick his kid out of a lineup if he didn’t see him on ‘Teen Mom 2.’)
Chris is mad that Kail has dared to file for child support, even though she apparently told him (most likely in the throes of passion) that she wouldn’t ask him for money to take care of his kid. Kail and Chris are heading to court. (I mean, this is ‘Teen Mom’; where the hell else would these people go?)
Kail is upset that, because she’s making a boatload of cash from being on the show, Chris won’t have to pay her as much in child support.
“If he’s capable of working 40 hours a week and he only chooses to work 15 or 20, I don’t believe that’s fair,” she tells The Bone.
Over in South Dakota, Chelsea is trying to do something of interest in order to keep her place on this show, so she takes her son Watson to a dinosaur museum.
The next day, Chelsea and her mom, South Dee-kot-ah Mary, meet up for lunch. Chelsea informs her mom that her bitch-of-a-baby-daddy, Adam, has yet to see Aubree at the visitation center, and that he hasn’t seen his other daughter, Paislee, in a year.
Just in case Adam decides to forgo being a member of the walking dead and become an actual functioning member of society, she and Cole are going to go check out this “visitation center” that Aubree will have to go to in order to see Adam.
South Dee-kot-ah Mary can’t believe that Adam is OK without seeing his children for months—and even years—at a time. This is Adam, though, the same guy who has most likely gone without seeing a toothbrush in about a year so….
Over in West Virginia, Leah has picked up the twinseses and is heading to fetch her youngest youngin, Addie. Leah is squealing about how happy she is to be home with the girlseses, but they barely look up from their iPads.
(Does anyone else think that Aleeah is so over Leah’s affirmations and positive living crap? Every time Leah starts rambling about living their best life or whatever, Aleeah looks like she wants to suffocate her mom with a Lunchables wrapper.)
Leah and the girlseses arrive to pick up Addie. They find her lounging on the couch (like a boss). Leah appears to be much more excited for the reunion than Addie is. Addie desperately tries to escape as Leah smothers her with kisses.
Afterward, Leah tells her sister Victoria all about her Hawaiian adventure. (Victoria looks less-than-thrilled to hear Leah ramble on about her exotic travels, as she is most likely living in a double-wide in holler, wondering how she’s going to scrounge up enough money to purchase some sort of “Helper” for dinner.)
As Leah talks about Hawaii, her rascally youngins are busy “wraaastlin’” on the floor. We see Addie proceed to body slam Aleeah in the corner of the screen.
Finally, we head to North Carolina to check in with Jenelle. It’s a “happy family picnic” day for her and Jace, since they have just returned from another one of Jace’s therapy appointments. Jenelle is planning to take the kid out for ice cream before she drops him back off at home.
They have an awkward conversation in the car. (It’s kind of like when you were a kid and you see your mom’s friend and she asks you the same questions every time: “How’s school?” “How’s your day going?” “What’s your name again?”)
Jace barely looks up from his gadget to answer his mom’s generic questions. Jenelle starts singing and tossing old food out of the window (AS.YOU.DO), and Jace still won’t pay her any attention. (I guess that’s payback for the nine-or-so years she didn’t pay him any attention…)
Jenelle throws some old fries out the window and sings that, “Everyone will eat them out there!” (She is probably going to try to write this off as a “charity donation” on her taxes.)
“Especially homeless people!” Jace chimes in.
Awww…it’s nice that he can remember his old semi-stepdad, Kieffer, after all this time!
Jace finds Jenelle’s new ID, and she explains to him she had to get it after she married Lurch and changed her last name, as well as her address. (I’d imagine under “address” it now just reads “The Land” on her license.)
Jace declares that he wants to change his last name too, but he doesn’t know what he wants to change it to. (Perhaps “DeBoer?”)
Jenelle hopefully asks Jace if he wants to change his last name to Eason.
“No,” he tells her. “Something better!”
In.The.Face. Jace is my new favorite person on this show, other than Barbara, of course.
Over in Miami, Javi is driving Briana to get chopped up by Dr. Miami. Briana waddles her over-inflated behind into Dr. Miami’s office and prepares to go under his hacksaw.
Dr. Miami explains that Briana is getting her breast implants exchanged and lifted, her tummy tucked and her booty reshaped. Dr. Miami then takes Briana to his laboratory so the carving-up can begin, while Javi stands there uncomfortably holding Briana’s purse.
While Briana is having her innards replaced, there’s a van full of trouble heading her way! Roxanne has loaded up the kids, Brittany and Devoin, and now the whole motley crew is going to meet up with Briana. (We can assume that Roxy has packed her ninja stars, too…you know, just in case.)
Inside the Scooby Doo van, Brittany is praying to the Baby Jesus that she no longer has to come “rescue” her sister from the assorted clowns she dates. (Meanwhile, one of those clowns is legit sitting next to her.)
Brittany declares that she’s tired of being “Captain Save-a-Ho!”
Roxanne says she just wants to “talk” to Javi. (And, hey, if a ninja star happens to land in his eye, what are ya gonna do?!)
Roxy says that Javi has “good qualities” (i.e. military benefits) but that he’s “so insecure it’s disturbing.”
Mind you—she calls someone else insecure as her daughter is legit under the plastic surgeon’s knife for the third or fourth time in the last two years.
Meanwhile, Devoin is just sitting there, jamming out to his tunes and praising the Lord that he 1) gets paid because he’ll be on camera and 2) Roxy isn’t throwing her ninja stars at his head for once.
Briana has no idea her family is on their way. In fact, she has no idea about anything, given that she’s just been released from surgery and now has an entirely new body. She’s lying there, mouth open, in the recovery room, and the cameramen are zooming in on every single drop of drool coming out of her mouth.
It’s quite special.
Back in Delaware, Kail has returned from her visit to court. It was determined that Chris has to pay her $346 a month to support Lux. She’s not thrilled with the small amount, but she says she’s “trying to be nice.”
“You’re welcome Chris!” Kail says, adding that this clown doesn’t even have to pay her for the current month, which gives him ample time to go apply to scrub toilets at the Chuck E. Cheese’s or something.
In South Dakota, Chelsea and Cole are going to inspect the visitation center and fill out paper work just in case Aubree has to go there to see Daddy Dearest. Cole is in a rare mood, and is actually NOT JOLLY. (Who knew that could even happen!?)
He’s upset that Aubree has to go to such a depressing place because her deadbeat dad can’t keep his methy mitts out of trouble.
“I almost started crying like five times,” Chelsea tells Cole after they leave the center.
Chelsea says that, although she didn’t want to go and fill out the paper work, she’s glad she did because now the ball is in Adam’s court to go see his daughter.
“He’s a joke!” Cole declares.
Over in The WV, Leah picks up the youngins from schoolin’ and declares that she is furious. She just found out that the ding-dang school has decided to drop Ali’s aid. The aid helps Ali function while at school and assists her with tasks that are sometimes too hard for her to do herself.
Leah is so mad that she has to pull her wagon over to the side of the road to collect herself. Producer Brendan lurks out from behind the dumpsters to talk about the situation with Leah.
The next day, Leah is taking Ali to her doctor in Ohio, so Corey Tyler comes to pick up Aleeah. Corey (who is sporting some fashionable new triangle-shaped bangs) is equally pissed about Ali’s aid being dropped. Leah plans to have Ali’s doctor write a letter to the school district to have the aid reinstated, but Corey Tyler is mad that they’re even putting them and Ali through all this nonsense.
“This is our kid and nobody’s telling us anything!” he says.
(It’s here that we see how big of a difference there is between Corey Tyler and some of the other clowns who are dads on this show.)
Meanwhile, in Miami, Javi makes his way in to see what’s left of his ex-girlfriend after her date with Dr. Miami. He looks scared (and kind of like he’s looking around the recovery room to see if there are any hotter patients who are recovering who may want to date him.)
Briana is in a lot of pain as her nurse leads her into her condo. “Shirley” is there (well, the new and improved version, at least, since she got hacked up by Dr. Miami a few days before).
“I’m dying!” Briana declares as she is walked into the bedroom.
Javi hustles behind her with a butt pillow and tries to assure Briana that he’s trying to get Roxy on the phone. Roxanne is not answering, and “Shirley” suggests that she may be busy getting Nova ready for bed, since the kid has school the next day. (Little do they know that Roxanne & Co. are barreling toward Miami, ninja stars in hand to “talk” to Javi and take care of Briana.)
Also…if Nova has school the next day, how the hell is she coming on this “Save a Ho” mission with the rest of the Scooby Doo crew? I’d pay to see that note Roxy wrote Nova to get her out of school the next day.
“Please excuse Nova from school today. Her mom got free plastic surgery and her grandmother has to go beat the BeJesus out of some dude from ‘Teen Mom.’ Thanks.”
Brittany calls “Shirley” to inform her that the crew has arrived. “Shirley” looks scared, because she knows that soon, Briana won’t be the only one with festering wounds.
Javi is in trouble! As soon as he sees Roxy and the gang, he knows he has to get the hell out of there!
As Briana wails that she’s having a panic attack, Britt is snickering in the corner over how ridiculous this whole stunt is. She then starts spouting off about how Javi isn’t needed there.
Javi is downright scared. He starts frantically looking for hotels so that he doesn’t have to risk getting smothered in his sleep by an angry Roxanne. Devoin strolls in and sits down next to Javi. Devoin knows exactly what Javi is in for with Roxanne and Brittany, so he gives him a sad look.
Javi goes in and starts shoveling crap into his suitcase in order to make his exit before Roxanne begins feasting on him. However, he’s too slow, and Roxy corners him in a room.
Javi explains that he and Bri decided that it would be best for them to work out their relationship problems in person.
“Perfect timing, right before surgery and with a camera crew here!” Roxy tells him.
Roxanne explains that she doesn’t hate Javi, but she does think he’s sneaky.
“You were reckless because you want to be in the spotlight!” she tells him. “You want to maintain it. Kail made not have had a motha, but guess what? Briana does!”
With that, Roxy gets up, fixing her “Vacation” ballcap and walks out of the room like a boss, leaving Javi to digest what she just told him (and/or fear that she went to go get a weapon to take him out).
Brittany begins singing about “Captain Save-a-Ho” (you seriously can’t make this stuff up!) and Javi packs up and leaves. He sadly pulls his suitcase down the hall, knowing that his days of being “Captain Save-a-Ho” have come to an end and that he will not get to enjoy the fruits of Dr. Miami’s labor.
Back in North Carolina, Jenelle and Jace are chatting in the car. Just then, a big white truck tries to zoom past them on the side. He ends up behind them, and Jenelle is furious that he’s tailgating her.
“Dude, are you kidding me right now, Dude!?” she screams. “Dude, I will go so slow!”
Jace looks like he knows something’s about to go down. He scans the car for a helmet to put on, but, alas, there’s nothing on the floor of the car but a few old French fries that Jenelle has yet to chuck out the window.
Jenelle gleefully declares that the other driver is now “stuck” behind her. As she says this, though, the guy zooms in front of her on the other side. We can assume that he cuts in front of Jenelle after that, because she slams on the brakes, causing a car seat to go flying in the backseat.
“ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME, DUDE?!” she screams as Jace looks terrified.
Jace seems to know that Jenelle’s about to “fill the streets with uppercuts” and/or bullets. Jenelle demands Jace hand over his phone so she can call the cops on the other driver. She tells the operator that she “almost got veered off the side of the road” (UM?) and that they need to hurry on down and arrest this man!
We can assume that the operator basically tells Jenelle to suck it up and move on because she gets angry after that.
A message flashes on the screen that says that the other driver turned off the highway but “Jenelle chose to follow him.”
She pulls over and unstraps her seatbelt like she’s ready to show that driver who’s boss! She reaches down and grabs her gun and sets it down next to her kid (as you do).
You can almost hear the “Bad Boys” theme song playing faintly in the background. All that was missing was a mouthbreather in a wife beater tank (aka any of Jenelle’s many former soulmates) getting arrested on someone’s front lawn to really complete this scene of white trashery.
Jace notices that gun, and Jenelle gives him this creepy smile, acting like this is all normal and OK.
Jenelle decides to call up Lurch to inform him of what’s going on.
“He slammed on the brakes and I almost went on the grass!” she tells him.
Calm down, Jenelle. This would hardly be the first time you were “on the grass.”
She then declares that Jace “almost got whiplash” (um?) and that she decided the best thing to do was to follow the other driver. Jenelle proudly tells Lurch that she’s in front of the other driver’s house, and that she’s called the police on him.
She yells to the other hillbilly driver that her ‘Teen Mom’ cameras have captured the whooooole thing on tape. (I’ll bet she’s wishing she had saved some of those old French fries! She could have chucked them at the guy!)
She screams out the window that she just called “The Law” on the other driver.
She then mows down the guy’s mailbox, and we can hear him screaming hillbilly nonsenses at her. MTV tells us it was “unintentional”; however, Jenelle’s actions tells us that it wasn’t an accident.
“Oops!” she tells the angry hillbilly happily. “I didn’t mean to do that!”
The guy jumps in his car and blocks Jenelle from leaving his property.
“Dude! He just hit my car! Babe! He just hit my car!” she screams.
At first, we’re startled to hear Jenelle call Jace “babe” (or any pet name, for that matter). Then, we realize that Lurch is still on the phone and Jenelle was talking to him, not Jace.
She’s screaming at the guy for hitting her car (mind you, as pieces of the guy’s mailbox are probably falling off her back bumper).
“That’s it!” Jenelle screams as she reaches down and grabs her gun.
The scream goes black and we see a message that say that “at that point Jenelle pulled out her firearm.”
We hear audio of Jenelle screaming, “Dude! Leave me alone!”
Well Juh-nelle! You followed a guy off the highway, screamed at him, called the cops on him, ran over his mailbox and then taunted him. What in the Creepy Kiefffer did you expect was going to happen!?
Soon, Jenelle is driving frantically, looking like she’s behind the wheel of a bumper car, as Lurch screams on the speakerphone that she is dumb as rocks for following some random angry hillbilly to his house. Meanwhile, Jace is just sitting there, figuring out who to will his toys to should he not make it out of this “adventure.”
The guy is following Jenelle now, and Jace looks like he’s about to cry. Jenelle never once looks over at Jace to see if he’s OK/still in the car/still alive.
Lurch is pissed, screeching through the phone that it’s insane to follow someone to his house.
This may be the only time EVER that The Ashley is going to agree with Lurch.
Jenelle hangs up on a screaming Lurch and instantly Producer Kristen calls Jenelle up to see what in the Sam Hell is going on. Jenelle begs Producer Kristen to come, because she’s being pulled over by a cop. Jenelle bursts into tears as we see a police officer approach her vehicle.
“I see your pistol,” the cop tells Jenelle. “Do me a favor, just don’t grab ‘hold of it!”
Jenelle is about to tell her 14th version of what happened back on the highway. Meanwhile, Jace is just sitting there silent and not moving. She begins to ugly-cry and explain how she’s the ding-dang victim in this caper!
In this retelling of the story, Jenelle was chased off the highway by a lunatic in a monster truck, who basically caused her to barrel-roll into the grass, and caused Jace to nearly become concussed. She followed him down a dirt road, and the guy cornered and basically tried to kidnap her. (She conveniently forgets to include the part where she bulldozed his mailbox and taunted him.)
The cop asks Jenelle to step out of the car, leaving Jace alone in the car…with the gun.
Unlike his mother, Jace seems to have no interest in being a gun-wielding lunatic, so he doesn’t even touch the firearm. Instead, he calls up Barbara to inform her of what just happened. He tells her that they followed some guy down a dirt road, the guy slammed into them and “Mommy pointed a gun at the guy.”
Tale as old as time….
That’s it for this episode of ‘Cops!’ Oh, I mean ‘Teen Mom 2!’
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom 2’ recap, click here!