On this episode of Teen Mom 2, we have some name changin’ fun, a lack of shirts and a long-lost baby daddy creepin’ back into the spotlight.
So…basically, it’s business as usual for a ‘Teen Mom’ episode!
We kick off the episode in Florida with Briana, who is fresh off her “You ARE the father” ambush of Luis in New York City. Now that she’s back home, she and Devoin take Nova to dinner to celebrate (?) the dental surgery she’s having the next day.
Bri tells us that she and the rest of the DeJesus Coven will be heading down to Puerto Rico for vacation soon and, since Devoin has “stepped it up” lately, he may have just earned himself a roundtrip coach ticket to The PR himself!
Things must be pretty damn miserable over at the TGI Friday’s that Devoin works at if he’s willing to vacation with the DeJesus crew just to get a break from it. (Let’s all say a prayer to the Baby Jesus God Leah that Roxanne doesn’t pack her trusty red pumps for the trip…)
Briana attempts to explain the anesthesia process to Nova. As we all know, Briana is an expert in all things anesthesia, being that she’s had to undergo it numerous times to have various butts and boobs installed and removed from her body by Dr. Miami.
Of course, she explains the process to Nova by murdering the English language.
“You don’t feel nothin’ with they take your teef out!” Bri says. (As she’s saying this, Devoin is nodding as if he concurs with Briana’s medical description of the anesthesia process.)
Devoin is also excited that he and Briana will be celebrating Nova’s birthday together for the first time in five years.
“It should be very peaceful and very fun!” Devoin says.
Peaceful? With this crew? Who knew Devoin had jokes!?
Over in the hollers of West Virginia, Leah is yet again hitting the girlseseses with some of her good ‘ol motivational speakin’ knowledge. Tonight’s topic is stressing the importance of a good education—whether the schools are well or not.
Leah asks the girlses why it’s important to get good grades. Aleeah, that wise-crackin’ little sassypants, comes right back with what may be the best ‘Teen Mom’ line since “Is Kyle Slow?”
Aleeah tells her mom that it’s important that she gets good grades and goes to college… “so we don’t end up like you!”
That remark seriously burns harder than all of Kieffer’s meth pipes rolled into one!
Leah tells her girlseses that they have to be responsible and make smart decisions (which is basically code for “Don’t let every Corey Tyler who tells you that you have a purty face put his beaver into your dam!”)
Leah tells the girleses that she made bad decisions but is blessed to have them and that she has learned a lot and…some other stuff but I, like the girlseses, tend to tune Leah out when she goes off on her speakin’s.
Later that night, Leah goes on a date night with Jason. Over a plate of some sort of fried vegetable product, Leah tells Jason that the girlses’ report cards are coming out and that she’s keeping an eye out for anything less than a B because she doesn’t “play with C’s.” (She has been known to play with D’s…or two, though…)
“You can’t make them do their work,” Jason tells Leah.
Next we check in with Kail, who is happily filming as Lincoln and Isaac kick kids at karate class. (She’s probably also filming to remember those moves to use on Javi should he find himself as her “Least Favorite Baby Daddy” again.)
Before this week, Jo was holding tight to that title, due to his filing for child support against Kail. However, Javi is now back in the running to be the most-hated because he listed himself and his Insta-Baby-Mama Lauren as points of contact for Lincoln’s soccer team but did not put Kail down as Lincoln’s other parent. (In my opinion, Javi should wear a helmet and a cup for the next few weeks…just to be safe.)
Kail says she’s fine with Lauren being included in the team contacts, but only if the coach agrees to store her number under “Side Chick That Got Knocked Up By Lincoln’s Dad.”
Next, we head to South Dakota, where Chelsea is explaining the concept of a Mom-ster Mash Dance to her own mom, South Dee-ko-tah Mary. Chelsea will be attending a Halloween dance with Aubree that’s just for kids and their moms.
“So ya dress up in costumes?!” Mary asks excitedly. (Don’t ya know?)
Aubree will be dressing up as JoJo Siwa (the girl from Dance Moms with the grating voice, giant bow and even bigger bank account).
While the two of them will be off enjoying a night of cheap punch and Kidz-Bop tunes, Cole will be left to watch Watson and Layne.
Chelsea tells her mom she’s worried because Cole gets anxious when the kids are upset because he cares too much. Chelsea is excited to get some one-on-one time with Aubree, since it’s limited now that there are two other kids in the family.
“Ya really do have your hands full…(don’t ya know!?)” South-Dee-Kotah Mary says.
Next, we check in with Jenelle who has recovered from her “emergency sinus surgery,” but is still holding strong to that other infection in her life, her husband Lurch.
While riding in the car together, Jenelle and Barbara talk about one of the other outstanding citizens that Jenelle has chosen to mate with– Jace’s dad Andrew. He has suddenly gained interest in Jace’s life/cashing those MTV checks. Barb is going to HIGH! HIGH! tail herself to “New Yaaaahk” to meet with Andrew in a few days.
Jenelle worries about Andrew, because she doesn’t feel that he’s stable enough to be in Jace’s life.
Um…literally not one of you clowns is stable enough to even run your own lives, let alone a child’s, yet here we are…
Barbara says that Ol’ Andy has been texting her in the wee hours of the night randomly.
Jenelle tells her mom about a meltdown Jace had recently on The Land, which she claims was sparked by his jealously over Kaiser having another family to visit, and not by the fact that Jace had to spend 48 hours on The Land with Lurch and Company, watching Lurch groom his facial hair.
Back at the DeJesus Dungeon, Briana’s rarely seen producer, Alexis, asks her how her new boo John will feel about her old boo/baby daddy #1 having a “la-dee-dah time” with her in Puerto Rico without him. Briana tells Producer Alexis that John is cool with her extensive baby daddy situation.
“He knows it’s weird,” Briana said.
“Is it though?” Producer Alexis asks. (I mean, this IS ‘Teen Mom.’ This sounds like business as usual to me, honestly.)
In an effort to make the whole scenario seem more legit, Briana says she’s thinking about changing Nova’s last name to Devoin’s last name. She feels bad because she gave Stella crappy Luis’ last name, but deprived Devoin of having a namesaked offspring.
Briana says she feels like she and Devoin have both grown up and can put their differences aside for Nova now.
Back in The WV, it’s report card day for Leah’s girlses and to her delight, no one receives a C. Leah calls Corey to tell him the good news that neither of the twins take after their parents when it comes to “the learnin’ and such.”
Leah also calls Jeremy to tell him that Addie got all S’s on her report card. Jeremy has no clue what an “S” stands for, but once he hears it means “Satisfactory” and not “She Don’t Do Good,” he’s pleased with the news.
“I am very proud of you guyseses’ grades!” Leah– who was obviously schooled in the unwell schools–declares.
Over at the DeBoer house, it’s the night of the Momster Mash dance and Chelsea is dressed as a sweaty bat. (Surely the idea of that has Cole all worked up, so don’t be surprised if there’s some Baby DeBoer makin’ happening post-dance!)
Chelsea is panicking about Cole holding down the fort while she’s gone for a whole two hours.
Two seconds after Chelsea and Aubree leave the house, Watson and Layne both have a meltdown while Cole attempts to maintain his sanity/earn that “Dad AF” sweater he’s been eyeing.
Speaking of not holding it together, Jenelle has all of her/Lurch’s kids (the ones they’re legally allowed to spend time with, that is) for the weekend so she decides to take them to do something fun—-AKA anything that isn’t near Lurch or The Land.
During the car ride, Jenelle attempts to make small talk with Jace and we don’t know what’s harder to watch: Jenelle pretending to be interested in Jace’s soccer team or her refusing to put her phone down while she’s driving.
Up in New York, we check in with Andrew the “former model” and his friend Luch—not to be confused with Lurch—who must be some sort of magician as he’s levitating a hat on his head throughout the entire scene.
Andrew tells Luch that he has not seen Jace since he Skyped with him on-camera like seven years ago. Magical.
He also feels like he missed out on Jace’s life (um…because he has) and that he thinks about him every day… especially on the days when rent is due and that MTV money would come in handy. Luch tells Andrew it’s not too late to be in Jace’s life/jump onboard the MTV train. Andrew says if he and Jace were together, they would “tear up” the town.
So…does Andrew know how old his son actually is?! Why do I get the feeling that Andy thinks that Jace and him will be out creepy-cruising bars for girls celebrating their 21st birthday in a year or two?
In his defense, it has to be hard keeping track of time when you’re always on set doing photoshoots for early 2000s clothing and cellphone accessories for men over the age of 50.
Andrew says that he imagines Jace is just like him.
“Like father like son,” Andrew says, before randomly adding, “Because…you already KNOW!”
Andrew tells his friend that Jenelle has been keeping Jace away from him, as well as all of the “good influence” he could have in his life.
Andrew and Luch continue to just make weird sounds back and forth for a while, until Andrew says he hopes Barbara has changed and is nice to him now.
Back in Delaware, Kail is telling Isaac and Lincoln how weird it is that she has had all boys, and that Javi and Lauren are also having a boy. She tells the kids that she knows a woman who has six boys and one girl.
“What if that happens to you?” Isaac– who obviously knows that fertility runs high on this show– asks his mom.
“What if you’re getting a girl right now?” Isaac asks. (Well…I don’t see Chris trying to play “Bone and Dash” with Kail again, so that’s probably not happening, buddy.)
Kail attempts to explain how the process of making a lovechild works.
“When you have a baby you have to….um…” she says, realizing that she’s not sure how to explain the hump-and-dump process.
“You have to do…certain things…to have a baby,” Kail tells Isaac.
“You do?” he asks. “Like what?”
Kail is obviously not ready to explain the whole process of baby making to the kids. (Perhaps she can make like Dr. Drew and just direct him to itsyoursexlife.com?)
We next swing over to Javi’s house, where he tells Lauren that Kail flipped out when she found out she wasn’t on Lincoln’s emergency contact form and Lauren was.
“It’s not your responsibility to cater to her feelings,” Lauren says.
“FACTS,” Javi replies. (Why does Javi always talk like he’s reading the caption of an Instagram meme?)
Javi says all their drama needs to “be squashed” and that he doesn’t have time for this pettiness, now that he’s about to open his Crossfitting Empire. He plans to take over the fitness world, one gym (and burpee) at a damn time. Of course, the gym opening will be intertwined with the birth of the baby.
“There’s no reason to wait!” Lauren says. “Time isn’t going to slow down!”
I mean…it has been nearly seven months. How much slower can they take this relationship!?
Later, Kail is taking Lincoln to his soccer game, which Javi has informed her he won’t be attending due to a town hall meeting for his new gym. Kail decides to call her friend Lindsay that night to vent about Javi missing a practice right after he yelled at her for missing a game.
Kail tells Lindsay he also had the nerve to send her a link to buy one of his gym t-shirts in case she “wanted to support” his business. At this point, Kail looks like she might consider buying a couple just to strangle him with.
Back in Florida, it’s the morning of Nova’s dental surgery and someone has mistakenly woken up Brittany before noon to babysit Stella. Brittany– who emerges from whatever closet she’s forced to sleep in due to space constants in the family apartment– is blurry-eyed and wearing nothing but a sports bra, sweats and her signature scowl.
Briana– also in a sports bra (seriously, did they have a sale on Fruit of the Loom up at the Wal-mart or…?) yells at Brittany for not wanting to go to the hospital with her.
Stella tries to high-tail it out the front door (probably to purchase some sort of athletic bra to wear to match her family), but is snagged by Roxanne at the last minute.
In North Carolina, Jenelle decides to take the kids to a trampoline park along with one of her paid friends and said friend’s collection of children. Jenelle tells her “friend” that Andrew weaseled himself back on camera this season by messaging the ‘Teen Mom 2’ director in an effort to get in contact with Jenelle or Barb. (As The Ashley told you back in August, this is not actually true. It was the producers who contacted Andrew in order to create a story line for Jenelle.)
Jenelle’s “friend” tells her that Andrew being in and out of Jace’s life will have a negative impact on him, so evidently this “friend” has never seen an episode of this show.
Jenelle says she doesn’t want Jace’s expectations to be too high, completely overlooking the fact that this kid has zero expectations of anyone at this point, thanks in large part (if not entirely) to her.
Back in Orlando, Nova has come through just fine from her dental surgery, and Devoin was there to support her, which is nice. We get to see Nova a bit HIGH! HIGH! on anesthesia (which surely made Devoin reminisce to his days of smokin’ THE WEED.)
Soon, Briana, Devoin, Nova and Roxanne head home like one big happy family. Bri reminds us what a big piece of rotting flesh Luis is, and says that she’s impressed with how much Devoin has changed.
Once they get back to The Apartment, Briana sets up shop in Brittany’s favorite couch indention and tells Devoin about her plans to change Nova’s last name. Devoin tells her it’s “pretty cool” and despite it “being a process” he’s on board. (#TaxWriteOff)
Briana and Devoin plan to tell Nova about her new name once they get to Puerto Rico.
To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teem Mom 2’ recaps, click here!