It’s Teen Mom OG time! Guzzle down a few Bud Lights because, if you’re anything like Maci and Taylor, you’re going to need a crapload of alcohol to get through this!
The Ashley does want to stop before we get into the ‘Teen’ Trashery of the episode and note that she will not be recapping Mackenzie‘s segment this week. Mackenzie’s mother Angie passes away in this episode, and there is nothing remotely funny about that, so The Ashley will just be skipping her part.
Anyway, on with the recap….
We kick things off in California, where it’s almost time for Cory to throw on some gym shorts with his name written across the butt to compete for some
camera time money on The Challenge. Before taking off and leaving his responsibilities behind, he spends some obligatory time with family trying to convince everyone how necessary it is for him to leave the country to appear on another crappy MTV show.
Cory’s cousin, Mitch who has also appeared on ‘The Challenge’ with him in the past, delivers one of the most-cringeworthy, scripted lines of the season thus far.
“So, bro…are you, like, ready to crush this season on ‘The Challenge,’ or what?”
Of course, because this is Cory, family time quickly turns into Cory talking about how much he’s sacrificing to go on yet another MTV show. Mitch quickly reminds us that Cory pretty much sucks every time he goes on ‘The Challenge,’ so they aren’t planning on him being gone too long.
“He’s gonna get eliminated and be home in a week,” Mitch tells her.
Still, Taylor runs down the list of rules Cory needs to follow while he’s away.
“Don’t fight people, don’t get into drama,” she says.
While Cory gets ready to say his goodbyes, Cheyenne contemplates whether or not she’s ready to say some of her own to her boyfriend, Matt. Ultimately, Cheyenne tells her sister, R. House is Now Free of That Couch Surfer, that she and Matt have ended things.
Cheyenne tells her sister she wasn’t really into Matt blindsiding her after his move to LA with the news that he didn’t have a place to live lined up, basically forcing her to invite him to live with her. (I mean…this is ‘Teen Mom,’ though; if you don’t move your boyfriend into your home within the first few months of your relationship are you even dating?)
Cheyenne says she’s going to focus on herself and stay away from men who take advantage of their girlfriend’s houses and take part in nonsense like eating asparagus.
To further prove her point of swearing off all things men and dating in general, Cheyenne tells R. You Kidding? No One Asked that she’s no longer shaving her legs or her vagina.
Seriously…WTF are we watching? And why?
Next we chug up to Michigan to catch up with Catelynn. She’s Febreezed the ciggie smoke off herself that was leftover from her recent trip to Florida with her mom April and is feeling good. Riding on dolphins and sucking down Tequila Sunrises with Ape has helped Cate resolve some of her childhood traumas. On top of that, things with Tyler are “better than ever.”
Now that her 7-point quesadilla and zebra hoodie days are behind her, Cate decides that maybe it’s time to actually become a functioning member of society. She even talks about getting— gasp!—- a job.
LIKE A REAL.JOB.
Ladies and gentlemen…we have just entered…The Twilight Zone.
Cate needs to take her dog to the vet, so she decides to corner the vet tech there and ask what school she went to. Tyler looks shocked and a little scared.
Catelynn says she’s always enjoyed “working with animals.”
Um…clearly. I mean, just look at her ‘Teen Mom’ cast mates!
Catelynn explains for all the half-brainers at home what a “vet tech” is.
“It’s like a nurse for animals!” she says in the voice-over.
Cate says that she hears it will take two whole years of schooling to become a vet tech. She then asks Tyler where he sees himself in 10 years. He realizes he’ll be almost 40, and their oldest daughter, Carly, will be 20. Cate says that, if Carly’s anything like them, she’ll have already gotten knocked up and they’ll technically be grandparents.
I think that’s nice…
Not surprisingly, Ty has no ambitions for himself for the next decade. He tells Catelynn to stop stressing him out with all this “future” stuff.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee, it’s been two weeks since Bentley’s zoo birthday/Halloween/Santa-Con party and it’s still the only thing Maci has to talk about. Maci says she’s worried about Ryan’s sobriety and reminds viewers that Bentley is only allowed to see Ryan if Jen and Larry are present.
While spending time with the Edwards, Bentley gets to
bond with his dad listen to his dad complain about family outings and his step-mom remind everyone that pregnant women shouldn’t ice-skate.
Meanwhile, Maci tells Taylor about Ryan and Co’s plans to take Bentley ice-skating the next day, only to then bring up that she doesn’t believe Ryan was “100 percent sober” at Bentley’s party.
Taylor says he wouldn’t be surprised, given Ryan’s less-than-stellar track (no pun intended) record.
Finally, we head up to Indiana to see what Amber is up to (so…basically if she’s resting comfortably on the couch or bed). She’s chatting with Producer David about how great her kids are doing. She insists that James and Leah are her “numero uno” and that anyone who wants to get into her floral kimono will have to understand that.
She then reveals that she has been “talking to” somebody, much to Producer David’s glee.
She says that chemistry matters to her and in terms of who’s a good person, “you can tell.”
Um…no YOU can’t, Ambie!
Meanwhile, Producer JC sits down with Andrew for another chat. Andrew says living that single dad life has been hard, since he’s stuck out in Indiana on his own. Unlike Amber, Andrew says that he has no interest in finding someone to date. In fact,the thought of having another woman wearing a kimono and a tight bun who’s screaming at him is a “turn off.”
This seems to make Producer JC a bit upset.
Andrew says he’d like to take Baby James to California to live, so he can work in the entertainment industry again.
Across town, Producer David is chatting with Amber about her new man. He’s curious to know how Amber met the guy– Dimitri. (He’s probably also wondering what jail he’ll have to drive Amber to for her to go visit him.)
Amber reveals that— shockingly!— she met Dimitri on Instagram (in between screaming rants, we can assume.)
Amber makes sure to let us know that she had the pick of the litter— the real cream of the crop— when it came to guys trying to hit her up to date them. She chose Dimitri, though, because he wasn’t trying to send her photos of his penis on the regular.
I think that’s nice…
She says Dimitri is 39, handsome and from Belgium. And, of course, because it’s Amber, she’s ready to fly her new man out to Indiana so he can sit on her couch with her.
Producer David asks if she’s trying to do things differently this time around, given that her last few relationships have ended in s**tshowery.
“I just don’t think I could do f**king anything normal!” Amber says gleefully. “Now it’s some Belgian guy who speaks French! I don’t know!”
She shows Producer David a photo of Dimitri’s Belgian mug and they quickly cut away (presumably because Producer David probably had a scared look on his face after viewing the pic.)
Back in California, it’s just about time for Cory to leave for ‘The Challenge.’ Before heading to the airport, Cory stops by Cheyenne’s house to talk (once again) about how nervous he is about the upcoming season of ‘The Challenge’. Cory tells Cheyenne he’s worried about being away from Ryder for an extended amount of time and Cheyenne does nothing to relieve his worries, and instead tells him how much Ryder is going to grow up while he’s away.
Realizing he’s not going to get the coddling he’s looking for, Cory switches the subject to Cheyenne’s love life, or rather lack thereof. Cheyenne tells Cory that she and Matt have ended things and Cory happily declares, “I saw this coming!” Cheyenne then tells Cory her plan to focus on herself…although not her hair removal.
She also tells him to go win some money on ‘The Challenge’ and to be his “best self” — one that doesn’t fight, fornicate or act a fool.
Haha, yeah right…. that will happen about the same time that Amber barrel-rolls herself off her couch and gets a real job, and/or Gary starts teaching Jazzercise classes…
When we next see Cory, Taylor and Ryder are dropping him off at the airport.
Back in Michigan, Tyler’s criminal pal, Ashley— who is still squatting at Casa de Baltierra— is watching the rugrats so Cate can go to the vet. (We can assume Tyler is busy for the day, color-coordinating his sneakers or something.) Cate tells us that, because she activated her baby chute at a very young age, she had to give up a lot of her career asiprations. Still, she’s hopeful she can become a vet tech.
Cate watches jealousy as the vet tech sticks the thermometer up her dog’s butt, and dreams of the day that she, too, will be inserting temp gauges into animals’ rear ends. (Was anyone else uncomfortable that they filmed the poor pup getting her butt prodded? I felt the same way watching Gary get his vasectomy.)
Catelynn then starts to do some prodding of her own, asking the vet tech how long she had to go to school to get her “vet tech.” The tech tells Catelynn that vet tech schooling is no joke and that it’s “pretty intense.” Catelynn looks horrified to learn that vet techs even have to take English and math, as well as pharmacology to learn the “ins and outs” of all the drugs.
Catelynn looks really terrified as the vet tech explains that, in school, they had to dissect cats, draw blood out of cows’ tails and do abdominal surgeries on animals. She also reminds Cate that she would frequently have to put animals down as part of her vet tech job.
“It is not all puppies and kittens,” she tells Catelynn.
The vet tech then tells Cate it will be harder for her to get through school, being that she’s married with kids (and an MTV crew too!) She eloquently tells Cate that it will “be a challenge.”
That’s all Cate needs to hear to basically shatter her dreams of playing with kittens. She goes home to report back to Tyler that going to school and getting a real job would be “hard and stuff” and would leave very little time for impromptu tropical vacations.
She says that she’d also have to learn every single dog breed. (We know Cate is great at breeding, but that skill probably won’t help here.)
Tyler calls Catelynn out for being afraid to fail. Cate agrees that she is, and says that she would rather be a receptionist at a vet so she could see puppies and kitties but not have to do any math or science or cat-dissecting or whatnot.
The revelation that she hates hard work “triggers” Catelynn into announcing she needs more therapy. Tyler looks like he’s been triggered by Catelynn’s trigger. However, Cate doesn’t want to go pet therapy horses this time around, no sir. Instead, she wants to use therapy to find out what she— as a nearly 30-YEAR-OLD WOMAN WHO HAS NEVER HAD A REAL JOB– wants to do with her life.
Sigh. I should have gotten knocked up in high school….
Anyway, Cate tells Tyler that her goal in life is to “rescue hundreds of chihuahuas” and Tyler, once again, looks triggered. Still, he encourages her to make money off her passion for the dogs.
Meanwhile in Tennessee, Bentley hits the ice with Hudson and Jen, while Ryan and Mackenzie sit on the sideline looking bored and miserable — much like us when watching this show.
Later on, Jen and
Bentley’s stand-in “Huddle” drop off Bentley with Maci and the two of them discuss plans for Bentley’s upcoming winter break. Back at Ryan and Mackenzie’s house, Mackenzie says the ice skating outing was kind of “a waste of time” because she couldn’t get out on the ice herself. Ryan — who was perfectly capable of throwing on a pair of ice skates — agrees and says his mom always calls the shots.
Ryan says he never asks Bentley to “do much of anything” but he wants him to have “simple rules.” According to Ryan, Jen lets Bentley run wild and clearly, he wants to be the only one in the Edwards family who doesn’t have to follow rules.
Finally, we head back to Indiana, where Gary is maxin’ and chair-laxin’ and telling Kristina about Amber’s latest boytoy. Gary— who is obviously not so good at the geography and such— says that Dimitri’s from “the France area…more so, Belgium.” Kristina, being the saint that she is, doesn’t inform her husband that Belgium and France are not the same country.
Kristina brings up the fact that Dimitri living across the world will be a problem, as will the language barrier. (Like, how the hell will Dimitri know what “gel” is?)
Gary, forever the philosopher, informs Kristina that a language barrier is no problem.
“There is one language that we all speak. It’s love,” he says.
The next day, Dimitri is arriving from Belgium/France/whatever the hell country these people think he’s from. Amber calls him up on the phone and Dimitri (and his bulging eyeballs) make their ‘Teen Mom’ debut.
Amber tells Dimitri how cute he looks, and we get to watch them try to communicate despite the fact that Dimitri barely speaks English. (To be fair, Amber barely speaks English.)
Dimitri says he’s nervous to come to Indiana and sit on Amber’s couch. We then find out that this will be no short visit. Dimitri will be parking his Belgian butt on said couch for THREE MONTHS.
That’s all for this episode! Next week, we will get to meet Ambie’s Belgian waffle in person!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ episode, click here!