Howdy, fellow trash TV lovers! It’s time to check in again with MTV’s favorite not-so-underage breeders, the gals of Teen Mom OG! It’s basically business as usual in DumpsterFireVille, with Amber meeting some new rando off the Internet and moving him into her house (as you do); Catelynn and Tyler trying to help whatever lowlife friend/family member has most recently relapsed; and Bentley basically killing it at life while his parents spend their time bitching about each other.
Also, The Ashley would like to state that she will not be recapping Mackenzie‘s scenes from this episode. She is shown here dealing with the aftermath of her mom’s death, and, since there is nothing funny about that at all, The Ashley has decided to skip her entire portion.
Let’s (dumpster) dive right into this episode, shall we?
We kick things off in Michigan, where where the gang is celebrating Nova’s fifth birthday at an indoor trampoline park. (Hopefully they didn’t let April make the party favors. No kid wants a Blowpop covered in ciggie smoke residue.)
Almost everyone is there, stuffing their faces with MTV-paid-for pizza and bouncing on the indoor trampolines. “Cellee”-turned-permanent-houseguest Ashley is in attendance, as is April and the assortment of random friends Cate and Ty drag over to their house when they need someone to bitch to on-camera.
After the festivities, they all head back to the Octagon Farm, where Cate tells us that Ashley has been camping out in their living room for free for a couple of months already. Things were going well until they “caught her in a lie.”
Producer Kerthy, who is sporting braided hair and is all bundled up like she’s Pocahontas on her way to Siberia, is trying to get the dirt on what happened with Ashley.
Tyler informs her that Ashley was instructed to take Tyler’s car to work and then come home. She didn’t come home one night, so Tyler automatically assumed Ashley was ’round back of the Steak ‘n’ Shake slammin’ heroin like Ryan Edwards circa 2018. Ashley had told him she was hanging out with her old co-worker, but Tyler can identify BS even better than Debz OG can identify a “belligerent, Anti-Christ attitude.”
He knew Ashley was lying, so he decided to “swing by” Ashley’s ex-girlfriend’s house and, sure enough, there was his car parked out front of the house.
He calls up Ash, who promptly lies to him about her whereabouts. Tyler sends a pic he took of the car parked in front of the house, and Ashley smothers him in apologies. (She doesn’t want to ruin her free room and board! Ashley knows a good squat when she sees one!)
Tyler and Catelynn are concerned that Ashley’s lies are signaling her return to “addict behavior.” Cate says she and Tyler don’t want that kind of instability around their kids.
Next, we head to Indiana to check in on Amber, who is in great spirits. (Don’t ya love it when Amber has just mail-ordered herself a new couchmate? She’s always in such a great mood!) Her latest moocher has been Airmailed all the way from the country of
France , er… Europe… er…Belgium and she’s excited to see how many happy days/weeks/months they can have before the cops are called to the home and/or he takes off with a backpack of her ‘Teen Mom’ cash.
Amber claims she’s “waffling” a bit on meeting her Belgium soulmate (pun intended), so she’s enlisted Gary to take her to airport when she picks Dimitri up. (The real question is: will Kristina have to tie Gary’s Lazy Boy recliner to the top of the car, a la Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies so he can pick up Amber’s latest degenerate while relaxing in maximum comfort?)
For some reason, Gary has agreed to participate in this shenanigan.
Let’s go over the facts: Amber is too afraid to go to the airport on her own to pick up this rando, yet she’s moving him into her house for three months? That makes sense. (After all, this is “Teen Mom.’)
Kristina, being the saint that she is, doesn’t question it, and thinks it’s a good idea for Gary to go with Amber for safety reasons.
Kristina and Gary then go from caring co-parents to Amber’s parents.
“Did you talk to Amber about birth control?” Kristina asks Gary.
First of all, no one on this show is allowed to use birth control apparently (it is ‘Teen Mom’). And, second, Amber is NEARLY 30 YEARS OLD. She’s been to “gel.” She’s had two oopsie babies. She’s kicked someone down the stairs. She’s old enough to figure out her own birth control methods for whenever she decides to bonk her Belgium boy toy. Her first baby daddy should not be responsible for giving her “the talk.”
The spermicide-free s**tshow continues, as Gary tells Kristina that he’s been meaning to have that talk with Amber.
Um….Gar? You’re about 12 years (and about four live-in soulmates) too late, bro…
Kristina has the solution to Gary’s problem (and possibly all problems, ever).
“Take them some Gary Time condoms for God’s sakes!” she tells him.
For those of you who are not familiar with the wonder that is a Gary Time condom, allow The Ashley to explain. A while back (like two Amber soulmates ago or so), Gary created his own line of condoms, all of which came with his smiling mug plastered across the packaging. Each condom wrapper comes with a Gary-esque sexy time slogan, such as “Get your Gary on” or “It’s Gary Time.”
The condoms, which, in The Ashley’s opinions are too good to be used to bang local hoodlums and hoe-bags, are suitable for framing. They are also “99 percent ‘Gary-ntied” to keep you from having an insane baby mama you’ll have to parent in 11 years! (They even work better than Gary’s former contraception method: wrapping cellophane around his, um, Little Gary and praying for slow-swimming sperm!)
Gary promises Kristina he’ll tell Dimitri to “wrap it” and then they both just stand there and act like this isn’t the creepiest damn thing we’ve heard in a long time.
The next night, Gary (sans roof-strapped recliner, sadly) picks up Amber so they can go fetch her Brussels booooooooooooyfriend.
Gary, always keeping it classy, asks Amber what she plans to do with Dimitri that night, other than “speak your love language.” (Aka bang the Belgium BeJesus out of him).
They arrive at the airport and then Gary gets out of the car (not Amber for some reason?) and goes to fetch Dimitri. Finally, the Queen dethrones and goes to welcome Dimitri with a kiss, as poor Gary loads his suitcases into the car.
To give it that full “cabbie” effect, Ambie climbs into the backseat with Dimitri. (She doesn’t introduce her baby daddy to her future baby daddy, sadly. I was kind of looking forward to the, “Dimitri, this is the guy I kicked down the stairs that one time and had a baby with” intro.)
Luckily, Amber and Dimitri refrain from “speaking their love language” right then in the backseat of Gar-Bear’s truck. He does tell them how cute they look together. Amber smiles happily, as Dimitri tries to figure out if Gary approves of their relationship…or if he just offered to buy them some Slurpies from the 7-11.
“I understand that,” a lying Dimitri says.
Gary then hands over a few “Gary Times” to Dimitri, informing him that if he plans to bang his baby mama, he needs to wrap it up. Amber beams with pride.
“I’m thinking your face now!” Dimitri says.
WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WATCHING? SERIOUSLY.
Dimitri thanks the large American man for the free penis covers. (He will probably go back to Belgium and tell his buddies that all of the cab drivers in America give you free rubbers with every ride from the airport purchased!)
Next we check in with Maci. We find the McKinney household in a pickle over where to send Bentley for middle school.
Can we all take a moment to let it sink in that a kid from ‘Teen Mom’ is heading into middle school…and also to mourn all the time we’ve lost over the past decade watching this crappy show?
Maci is in favor of Bentley sticking with the free public school plan he’s been on. (It doesn’t appear that the schools in Tennessee “aren’t well” like the schools in West Virginia, luckily.) Maci probably knows she won’t get any financial help from Ryan and if she asks, Ryan’s wife Mackenzie will write an embarrassing letter explaining why she and Ryan shouldn’t have to contribute.
Even though Maci and Taylor aren’t totally on board with Bentley going to a private school, Bentley kept his grades up as he promised he would, so they decide to hold up their end of the bargain and let him at least take the entrance exam.
Over at Ryan’s house, Mack sorts through baby clothes while Ryan comments on their son Jagger’s “big ole’ head.” Ryan then physically cringes at the suggestion that his unborn daughter will look like her big bro, whom they’ve newly nicknamed “Jaggy.” How sweet.
Ryan asks Mack how her pregnancy is going this time around and she says it’s better because Ryan isn’t locked up in the clink and is actually able to be with her for appointments and whatnot.
I think that’s nice…
Meanwhile in California, Cory is away competing on The Challenge, which means Cheyenne is at a serious loss when it comes to storylines. She steals a page from Maci’s storyline this week and decides to send Ryder to a fancy prep school for a pre-school class. (It’s completely ridiculous, but with Cory not here to impregnate anybody, it will at least give Cheyenne something to talk about this episode.)
Cheyenne’s nephew, Baaz, looks particularly excited about this new development.
Cheyenne says Ryder is definitely ready to take this next step, but Cheyenne isn’t too comfortable with it herself because Ryder is her BFF and she doesn’t need any other friends.
Before Ryder’s first day of prep school, the two of them— along with Cheyenne’s sister, R. You Gonna Send My Kid to School Too— spend some quality time bonding over Barbies. Ryder has hilariously named one Barbie “Taylor” and another Barbie “Daddy.”
(We can assume “Daddy” Barbie comes with a full-length mirror, protein powder, 25+ outfits, a cell phone, no condoms and no less than three MTV show contracts.)
While Ryder plays with plastic Taylor, real Taylor visits with her friends and family back home in Portland. While talking to her friends, Taylor says her dad has been emotional about the idea of her becoming a mom, while she’s emotional about Cory not being there to share her pregnancy at the moment. She’s also ready for Cory to call her, which he still hasn’t been able to do because of ‘The Challenge.’
Meanwhile, in Indiana, we are catching up with Amber and Dimitri after their first night of boning/endlessly relying on Google Translate to communicate their sexual desires to one another. (Also…ew.)
Dimitri is busy (on the couch, naturally) whispering sweet nothings into Amber’s ear. (He probably downloaded a list of “50 Phrases to Use on Naive American Women to Get Them to Let You Move In.”)
“You are so beautiful…I can kiss you?” Dimitri asks Amber (who has slapped on a brand-new pair of extra-dark eyebrows for the occasion.)
Instead of waiting to see if this random dude turns into a creep/serial killer/moocher/general deviant, Amber decides she’ll rush him right over so he can meet her daughter Leah. She shuttles her new soulmate over to Gary’s house so they can pick up a free meal and also show Leah who her next almost-stepdad will be.
Dimitri (like the rest of us) is shocked that Amber is actually able to drive a car (in addition to driving everyone around her crazy).
They arrive at Gary’s house and Leah’s is less-than-enthusiastic while meeting her mom’s latest bed-warmer.
Leah tells the group that she got an A+ on her latest test at school, and Gary congratulates her, stating that she gets her smarts from him. Everyone laughs as poor Dimitri looks like he’s trying to decide if the conversation is worth Google Translating.
Later, Gary settles back into his recliner to show the Belgian how Americans do comfort. Kristina asks questions, but Dimitri looks like he has absolutely no clue what any of these people are saying.
Leah looks completely unimpressed with her mom’s new boyfriend. Go figure.
She can barely keep herself from rolling her eyes as Dimitri informs the group that he will be parking his Belgian butt on Couch de la Ambie for three months.
Kristina tells Leah to ask Dimitri something, but Leah claps right back with some Grade A snark.
“In what language?”
Leah eventually throws the guy a bone and busts out her Google Translate app to ask him what he wants to see in America. He answers, “America.”
Seriously, language barrier or not, this guy has less personality than Gary’s recliner.
The next day, Gary and Kristina go out to lunch and discuss the Dimitri Situation. Gary says that Leah’s concerned that Amber won’t be around as much, now that she’s got a new couchmate. Kristina says she hopes Amber keeps it in her head that her kids come first.
Hahaha, look at Kristina, makin’ jokes!
Back at Amber’s House of Wayward Boarders, Dimitri is once again whispering sweet nothings into Ambie’s ear.
Amber tells Dimitri that she wants to keep “doing things like that with Leah” and that he’ll have to be comfortable with it. Dimitri looks like he has no clue what “comfortable” means. (Amber should show him a picture of Gary in his recliner for reference!)
Amber then gives Dimitri a look that lets us all know she’ll be using a least a few of those “Gary Times” tonight! Hubba hubba!
In Tennessee, it’s time for Bentley’s entrance exam at the private school so Maci loads him up in the car and gives him a pep talk on the way. A few days later, Maci receives the results via email and learns that Bentley passed his exam, so she and Taylor agree to pursue enrolling him in the school as a reward for all of his hard work.
Later, Taylor and Maci call Bentley into the kitchen to share the big news with him. Bentley is excited to find out any beer his mom may have consumed while he was in her womb had no impact on his ability to crush it academically. He’s thrilled that Maci and Taylor have agreed to “explore” the idea of private school.
Maci and Taylor tell Bentley that he has to go through an interview process before he’s admitted to the school and if he does get in, he absolutely has to keep his grades up and not take this opportunity for granted as a lot of money is involved.
We’re pretty sure Maci ripped that last part straight from her MTV contract.
Back in Michigan, Tyler confronts Ashley about her lying and ex-girlfriend bonking. Ashley looks downright scared. Tyler explains that the standards at Ye Olde Octagon Farm are pretty simple: you can’t do drugs, you can’t use his car to bang your ex-girlfriend and you have to use common sense (although he’s apparently pretty liberal on that last one because this is ‘Teen Mom.’)
After that, Tyler, Catelynn and Ashley all insert unnecessary S- and F-bombs into their conversation, despite the fact that Nova and Vaeda are sitting right there. (Again, though, this is ‘Teen Mom.’) Instability around the kids is not kosher but a barrage of curse words on the regular? A-OK!
Ashley begins another one of her long-winded apology speeches, telling Cate and Ty that she doesn’t want them to think she’s “trying to take advantage” of them.
She turns herself into a crying Cabbage Patch Kid, and Tyler’s not buying the “I’ll do better” spiel this time around. (After all, he’s heard it before from some of the greats: April, his sister Amber and, of course, the Granddaddy of All Things “I Ain’t No Juicehead (no more)”, Butch!)
Later, Ty tells Catelynn that Ashley does have common sense and, hey, at least she’s not a “complete idiot.” (Just a partial?)
He says that having Ashley lie to him in his home brings back memories of the days that his dad Butch was their live-in liar.
That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!