In a world of turmoil and uncertainly, there is at least a few things we can always count on, such as the stars of Teen Mom OG making bad decisions and saying ridiculous things. (Oh, and Amber Portwood‘s mommy-makeover’d butt leaving a permanent indention in her living room couch!)
Let’s take a peek at what the gals and guys of ‘Teen Mom’ are up to, shall we?
We kick things off this episode in Michigan, where Catelynn and Tyler are preparing to throw a first birthday rager for their daughter Vaeda. However, the festivities have been slightly soured
by Vaeda’s arsenic-filled baby food by the fact that Butch has relocated back to Michigan. He was previously living in Texas, and has apparently barrel-rolled off the sobriety wagon he had been riding for a while now.
Cate says she is not sure if they should send a party invite to Butch. (Something tells me Tootsie Pops and plastic rings aren’t exactly the “party favors” Ol’ Butchy will be hoping to find in his goodie bag!)
Naturally, Cate’s mom April wants to know if Butch will be in attendance at the party, so she can “prepare mentally” to see him in all his salt-n-peppa haired glory. (We can assume by ‘prepare mentally’ she means spray herself with a little extra Febreeze and make sure she’s wearing her newest hair scrunchie.)
Tyler says that, due to his recent shenanigans, Butch shouldn’t be expected a Scoobie-Doo invite to show up in the mailbox of whatever flophouse he’s currently “flopping” at.
Tyler tries to decide what to do about his father and— shockingly!— his first inclination isn’t to run to the therapist lady who looks like Matt Baier in a bad Halloween wig. Instead, he decides to call Butch’s recovery coach at the rehab in Texas.
Tyler tells the rehab coach lady that Butch told him he’s not using drugs.
Well…at least, not like he used to use drugs. I mean, he’s still using, just not as much. (He still “ain’t no juicehead,” we can assume!)
Tyler wants to know if letting Butch meet Vaeda would be enabling him, and the coach says yes. (Sorry Butchy…no Funfetti cupcakes for you!)
Next, we head to Indiana to check in with Amber. As per usual, Ambie’s brother Shawn Bubby has flown in to meet her latest soulmate. Dimitri (said latest soulmate) is nervous to meet Shawn Bubby because Amber says he’s hard on her boyfriends. (We are treated to a few quick clips of Shawn Bubby meeting Amber’s various past soulmates, including Matt and Andrew.)
Before Shawn Bubby can grill Ambie’s latest mail-order man, he grabs lunch with another previous Amber boyfriend, Gary. (If you’ll remember back to Amber’s 16 and Pregnant days, Gary was originally Shawn Bubby’s friend…until Gary started boning Amber.)
Apparently they’ve since patched stuff up and are now ready to chat it out over a plate of curly fries.
Gary then delivers the understatement of the century, possibly the millennium.
“Amber can be a little unhinged at times,” he says.
Still, he insists that she’s a “completely different person” than the unhinged machete-carrying gal she was six months ago! Gary says that Amber felt “betrayed” by Andrew, but hopefully things with Dimitri will be different.
Shawn says that, with each of Amber’s soulmates, he’s seen the train comin’ down the track, about to wreck, but Amber wouldn’t listen to him.
“Now all of a sudden this guy from Belgium shows up and it’s like, ‘Why are you talking to some guy from the other side of the world?'” Shawn says.
Shawn says he won’t be “all excited” for Amber’s newest live-in lover, and Gary agrees.
Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, Mackenzie says Gannon seems to be handling his emotions better. With that crisis
wrongly handled averted, Mackenzie is now facing issues with the truancy officers at her children’s school due to their multiple tardies and absences.
Mackenzie decides to meet up with her friend to vent about this predicament and ask for some advice.
Mackenzie explains that she has a hard time going to sleep at night because of her anxiety, which causes her to oversleep in the morning and make her kids late (or absent) from school. Now, the kids are one tardy or absence away from her having to report to truancy court.
Mackenzie’s friend asks what we’re all thinking, “Why the hell isn’t your husband doing anything
besides mumbling, emotionally damaging your son and grindin’ up on rodeo groupies?” Mackenzie tells her the one time Josh was left to take care of the kids on his own, they were three hours late to school.
After talking to her friend about the importance of being punctual, Mackenzie shows up late to a meeting at the cheerleading gym she works at.
“I’m here! I’m late,” she tells her boss, who in turn tells Mackenzie they’re buying her a planner and setting alarms on her phone to help her stay on top of things.
In an effort to make some positive changes, Mackenzie lays out her kids’ outfits the night before school and manages to get them ready and out of the house the next morning at a reasonable time. While patting herself on the back for a job well-done, Gannon chimes in to remind his mom of her stellar record when it comes to morning drop-offs.
Mackenzie tells Gannon and Jaxxxeee it’s important that they be on time because “we’ve been getting into some trouble lately” – and by “we” she means her. Before the kids get out of the car, Mackenzie says she can’t read with them that night because she has to work, but assures them that their dad will fill in for her.
When Jack-C reminds Mackenzie that Josh is sick at home with a cold, Mackenzie tells her it won’t be a problem (in so many words).
Over in Los Angeles, Cory is back from The Challenge, so Cheyenne no longer has to film exclusively with her sister, R. You Guys Getting My Good Side?, and can resume hangin’ with her BFF baby daddy.
After fishing for compliments on his looks/outfit (probably) Cory talks to Cheyenne about the gender reveal party he’s making
MTV pay for her throw for himself and Taylor. Despite not having any actual planning to do himself, Cory is stressed about the party, specifically all of the family coming to town.
Through all of the “stress,” Cory says he’s thankful for Taylor and the fact that she’s so great with Ryder.
“I love her for that,” he tells Cheyenne, who is stunned almost to the point of showing actual emotion to hear Cory say he loves someone other than himself.
Cheyenne teases Cory for “saying the L-word” and says he’s growing up… because apparently the almost two kids he has didn’t already do the trick. In a true example of one step forward, two steps back, Cory then refers to his unborn child as his “son” before Cheyenne reminds him that there’s a 50 percent chance the baby could be a girl. Cory, however, doesn’t see it this way.
“It’s a boy,” he says. “It’s gonna be a boy! Flash forward, blue confetti everywhere! … It can’t be a girl.”
Finally, we head to Tennessee, where Maci is in full dance-mom mode in regard to Bentley’s wrestling. She has shelled out some of that hot MTV cash for a private wrestling coach for the kid, and has put Bentley on a strict diet so that he can make the kiddie wrestling championships.
Maci is sitting there (downing a beer, as you do…) yapping at Bentley as he gets his private lesson. She explains that Bentley “doesn’t commit” to a wrestling move (or something), and the instructor is just like, “Really, lady? Let me do my job.”
She proceeds to instruct him (over his instructor) not to “get sloppy” with his moves. Bentley looks about as embarrassed as he was last episode when Taylor was talking to him about the sex.
Bentley then tells the crowd that he’s hungry, and Maci quickly snaps back that he “knows what he can eat.”
Bentley does a few starved somersaults, as Maci informs him that he will be going to another two-hour practice that evening. Maci tells him he can have a salad in between practices, but Bentley begs for grilled chicken. Maci informs him that he has lost his ding-dang mind.
Jesus….I’ll bet even Amber got fed better when she was in Gel than this poor kid does!
“He’s on a very strict, good, healthy calorie diet,” Maci tells the group of Bentley. The kid informs them that he’s getting about 1,000 calories a day, but Maci is quick to add that she does give him a lot of water and makes him workout a lot to “cut weight.”
“As long as he uses the bathroom every day, you cut like a pound when you do that!” Maci announces, as a red-faced Bentley looks for a hole to crawl into (or a chicken bone to gnaw on).
Back in Indiana, Shawn has arrived at Amber’s place to meet her Belgian boytoy. (I love how they film the scene like it’s an episode of Catfish, with suspenseful music playing as Shawn walks up the driveway.)
Meanwhile, Ambie and Dimitri are— you guessed it!— sitting on the couch, waiting for Shawn. Amber is overwhelmed with emotion seeing her brother, and Dimitri does his best to communicate with Shawn, telling him that Amber talks about him all the time.
They all sit down to chat at the table, and Shawn asks Dimitri if he knew English before meeting Amber. He says no, and Amber proudly adds that she has taught him to say “motherf**ker.”
I think that’s nice…
Shawn asks Dimitri if he wants to stay in America (and on Amber’s couch) permanently, and Dimitri says he doesn’t know. Shawn reminds the long-distance lovers that, between them, they have a litter of kids scattered all over the world, which makes it difficult for one of them to move.
Shawn then asks Dimitri if he has a job outside of flying to America to be with random reality TV stars. He informs Shawn that, back in Belgium, he’s a mailman.
Amber declares that she will never leave the United States or her kids, so if they’re going to be together permanently, Dimitri is going to have to move. Dimitri says he has no idea if his baby mama(s?) would allow his kids to come to America if he were to move. He does say that if “relationship is good enough” he will try to get a work visa so he can stay in the USA.
(Sooooo…basically if Ambie refrains from throwing assorted footwear at Dimitri’s head for a few months, he’ll try to get a job.)
He admits that, yeah, Amber is crazy, but she already knows that.
I think that’s nice…
“He’s crazy too!” Shawn points out. “He’s with you!”
Later that night, they wheel Gary back out so they can all go out to dinner together. Shawn and Gary begin grilling Dimitri like a Belgian waffle about the USA, and the poor dude just looks so confused.
Dimitri declares that his favorite English word is “I don’t care.” (Yessssss!)
Bro, trust me, that will serve you well in your relationship with Ambie. Just keep saying that! (Maybe also learn the phrase, ‘Ouch, ouch, stop hitting me!”…just in case.)
Shawn warns Dimitri that he never wants to learn what the “Portwood way” is. (Again, learning that ‘stop hitting me’ phrase may come in handy.)
Dimitri nervously asks what the “Portwood way” is.
“When you end up in a pine box!” Shawn says, as everyone else laughs.
Um.. can someone please bring poor Dimitri a new pair of Fruit of a Looms? I’m sure he just soiled himself.
Later, Shawn expresses his concerns about Dimitri to Amber. He tells Amber to picture how she would feel if someday her daughter Leah orders herself a Belgian guy and he’s shipped across the world to her. Wouldn’t she wonder if the guy was only there to stay in the USA.
Amber assures Shawn that’s not happening here and that they’re doing a great job of communicating, what with her strapping him to a lie-detector test and her brother threatening his life over spaghetti and meatballs and whatnot.
Back in Michigan, it’s time for Vaeda’s Butch-less birthday party. April has shown up, as has Tyler’s mom Kim and Ashley, the live-in felon. (To be fair, though, Ash is probably just there waiting until everyone gets off the couch so she can take a nap.) Ty’s sister Amber and whatever assorted leashed felon she happens to be humping at the moment are nowhere to be found, though.
Naturally, the first birthday of Tyler and Catelynn’s third baby girl quickly turns into a conversation about why Cate can’t squeeze a male spawn from her hooter. Catelynn tells Tyler’s mom that she is willing to spit out one more youngin, but after that she’s marching Ty down to “get fixed.”
(Why, why, why must she always use that terminology when she’s talking about forcing Tyler to get a vasectomy? It makes it sound like Ty’s dog-groomer sister is going to be the one performing the procedure in the back of a mobile grooming van or something.)
Tyler’s friends start to question him about Butch’s whereabouts. Ashley wants to know where he’s staying. (Obviously, she needs to know if it’s about to get all ‘Hunger Games’ in the house in a battle for the Baltierra couch!)
Tyler says he has no clue where Butch is staying, and he doesn’t really want to go back to the days where he had to worry about his dad all the time, and have his dad asking for money to buy smack or other assorted drugs.
Back in Los Angeles, Cheyenne and her sister are talking about the gender reveal, particularly how unique it is for Cheyenne to be throwing her “child’s father’s gender reveal for his girlfriend.”
Cheyenne has been sending Taylor photos of balloon designs and photo booths in preparation for the gender reveal and we can tell she’s taking this job really seriously because she seems to be on top of everything. Oh, and also because she’s wearing her “Business Woman” sweater.
After flexing her Business Woman muscles all day, it’s finally time for the gender reveal; however, Cheyenne is running late. Cory is annoyed, so much in fact, that when Cheyenne finally arrives, he thanks her for showing up – to the party she threw for him and his girlfriend – “late as hell.”
Rather than getting mad at Cory’s annoying remark, Cheyenne happily agrees to take a photo with Cory and Taylor before the festivities begin, during which she also sneaks in a little joke at Taylor’s expense.
Next we see Cory and Taylor gather their friends and family around to reveal the gender of their baby – a girl, just as Cory didn’t predict.
After the gender reveal, Cory tells Taylor as the two of them get a place together, he wants to make sure Cheyenne is OK, because according to him, all she wants is to have more kids and “have the white picket fence and the house with the husband.” Cory says he wants to make sure they’re not shoving anything in Cheyenne’s face, to which Taylor casually replies, “I’m sure she’s fine.”
Guess someone’s still salty over that surrogate comment…
Finally, we head back to Tennessee, where Ryan is discussing Bentley’s strict diet with his parents and Mackenzie. Almost on cue, Bentley comes in and robotically announces that he needs exactly 12 ounces of water. He regales the group with the tale of a kid who cut 11 pounds so he could wrestle in a lower weight class.
Dr. Ryan then informs Bentley that “wrestlin'” is all about technique, and that Bentley should be gaining weight to be strong, not losing weight.
Um…can someone let Ryan know that Bentley isn’t a WWE wrestler? I think he thinks Bentley is going all “Hulk Hogan” on other kids, smashing chairs over their heads or something.
“You’re gonna stunt yer growth, and when it’s time for you to get bigger, you’re gonna be a late bloomer and it’s gonna suck for you!” Ryan tells his son.
Bentley just stares at Ryan, almost like he’s wishing someone would tell him that he’s adopted or something.
Later, Mackenzie and Ryan discuss Bentley’s weight-loss venture, and Ryan says he doesn’t think it’s healthy for an 11-year-old to be doing that. He says it would be different if Bentley were in high school, and trying to get a college scholarship, but that he’s too young to be doing that.
Oh dear GOD. I actually agree with Ryan. We have just entered the ‘Teen Mom’ Twilight Zone, y’all!
Over at Maci’s MTV Mountain Mansion, Bentley is being grilled about what he ate that morning. He confesses that he did have a muffin…and a glass of chocolate milk. Maci looks like she’s about ready to strangle the kid. She orders him into the bathroom to weigh himself.
Bentley announces from the bathroom that he weighs exactly 72 pounds, and Maci immediately calls him a liar. (She does this as she sucks down a fatty Starbucks coffee drink, mind you.)
“You can’t learn that boy nothin’!” she proclaims. (The Ashley feels like that quote was literally just for her.)
The next day, Taylor and Maci talk about all the sports Bentley has done in the year. They include football, cross country, golf, wrestling and baseball. They say they encourage sports so that Bentley doesn’t become a street hooligan, or a video game addict. Maci says that, when Bentley first started cutting weight for wrestling, the was a “feisty little fella” because he was so hungry.
She says wrestling has helped Bentley mentally, because it’s the one thing Bentley can control. She adds that he can’t control some things from getting messed up (or, you know, some people), but he can control that.
To read The Ashley’s previous ‘Teen Mom OG’ recap, click here!