Note: The Ashley is aware that this recap is from a previous episode. She’s desperately trying to catch up on her recapping and will be recapping the latest episode, too!
When you’ve got an episode of a reality show that includes a baby daddy who can’t enter the country, a trip to an STD clinic and a couple of juicehead grandmas, you know you’re watching an episode of Teen Mom 2.
Ain’t it great!?
This episode kicks off up ‘er in the holler, where the Messer sister are preparing to high-tail it down to Costa Rica to visit Victoria‘s geographically challenged boyfriend. Luckily, the girlseseses are with their assorted dads, which means Leah is free to get her travel on and hang with Victoria’s “90 Day” Not-so-Fiance, Roger. (It’s pronounced Roy-yer, by the way, which should be hysterical to watch the Messers try to use their Spanish to pronounce it.)
Victoria— who got herself knocked up when she let Roy-yer put his banana in her unprotected papaya while on vacation a while back— is struggling with the fact that her baby daddy can’t come to the United States.
Leah, being the most responsible of all the Messer clan (aka she has her own Chevron card), has decided to be Roy-yer’s sponsor to come to the USA. She tells her friend that means she will, “like, have to vouch for him while he’s here.”
Leal reveals that Victoria has already gotten the immigration ball rolling, but it’s unknown if Roy-yer will make it to the US of A before his spawn comes shooting out of Victoria’s lady jungle. (Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.)
“I’m 100 percent stepping up for my sister in Roy-yer’s absence!” Leah proudly declares.
Meanwhile, in Orlando, Briana is making her way down to Ye Olde Planned Parenthood to see if her unprotected lil’ romp with Luis has left her Dr. Miami-enhanced vajanayyy with any unexpected ailments.
That’s right, kids…it’s time to get checked for STDs!
Bri’s trusty pal “Shirley” rides along for the STD test trip. (She’s probably hoping to pick up a little penicillin herself to add to her stash…you know, just in case she meets a rando in da club, too!)
Briana is nervous that Luis’ sperm-shooter was crawling with disease.
As they walk into the clinic, “Shirley” tells Briana that the next time she wants to bang Luis—or any other loser of her choosing for that matter— she should remember this moment.
Surprisingly, we are actually allowed to go into the clinic with Briana, so we get to hear all about her recent sexy-time escapades.
She tells the nurse that, over the last year, she’s banged two guys, and that she’s not sure if those two guys were banging other girls too. She also admits to getting liquored up before banging. (Hey, I’d need to down a whole gallon of vodka before being able to bed Luis, so I can’t really fault her there…)
Briana pees in a cup and gets her blood drawn to see which of the many fun STDs Luis has gifted her with this time.
Later, the King of Chlamydia himself— Luis— calls Briana. She gives the phone to Stella, who, even after being told that Luis is her dad, has no clue who the big bald headed dude with the creepy smile is. Luis offers to meet up with the Dejesus Coven when they go to another city for Nova’s gymnastics competition. Briana tells Luis that they are getting “a hotel and stuff” and Luis jumps at the chance to go.
Ol’ Lu ain’t gonna miss his chance to roll his oafy body around those Red Roof Inn sheets, y’all!
He promises to help with Sienna….er…Stella…yeah, that’s it. Stella.
Over in Indiana, newly-licensed cosmetologist Jade finishes up her hours for school, as she continues working in the family business – slingin’ chicken at Sanders Family Kitchen – to make ends meet.
Later on, Jade’s mom Christy meets up with her to celebrate her passing her cosmetology test and she brings
Chloe Khloe Kloie along, because Sean has already helped out once this week, which is basically his limit. Clowee Klowee Kloie brings her mom a “proud of you” balloon that Christy probably snagged from a continuation school graduation party that was held down at Sanders.
Nothing says “Good job” quite like secondhand Mylar balloon covered in chicken grease, am I right!?
Not surprisingly, Jade is less than impressed when the two walk up to meet her.
As Jade gets her daughter settled into her highchair, Christy hones in on the table offerings and does some celebrating of her own for the “good eatin’” she’s about to dig into, courtesy of MTV.
She looks like she’s about to spittle her pants with excitement as she paws at the pork rinds sitting on the table.
After Christy gets over the excitement from all the free fried items, she tells Jade how proud of her she is. Christy can’t believe that Jade finished her classes—- and that she wasn’t even court-ordered to do so!
Something tells me that Christy ain’t so big on the schoolin’ and such.
Christy then starts grilling
chicken Jade about her relationship with Sean, which Jade assures her mom is moving slowly at the moment.
While Jade is rambling on about her baby daddy drama, Christy (like the rest of us), appears to lose interest and starts looking away.
Christy then, out of nowhere, changes the subject to cash money…which she has none of.
I’ll give you a moment to get over your shock…
“Right now, my money is gone,” Christy croaks before suggesting that she (and her husband, naturally) bunk up with Jade for a few months and pay her rent.
Jade looks understandably horrified, but Christy promises they’ll keep their drama (and drug use and yelling) to a minimum. Before getting a solid “yes,” Christy announces they’ll be moving in that Sunday.
Meanwhile, Kail’s boys are with their
respected respective fathers, so she flies to San Diego for “work.” Kail reveals that earlier in the week, her sister (who we affectionately call’s mom passed away, as did Kail’s grandmother, and orchestrating the trips to attend the funerals caused a “big fight with Jo.”
Kail’s friend Kristen, who has tagged along for the sole purpose of being Kail’s sounding board this episode, marches in to Kail’s hotel room to begin her shift.
Kail tells Kristen that Jo got angry because she left Isaac with a friend of hers and Jo only allows Isaac to be babysat by relatives. Kail explained to Jo that she doesn’t have a family like he does, but Jo wasn’t having it. The next day, however, Jo sent a text apologizing to Kail for losing his cool. Kail, of course, says she’s still annoyed.
Later on while Kail is recording her podcast with her co-host Lindsie Chrisley, she gets a texts from Jo asking if she can come to a counseling session with him.
Kail tells Kristen that afternoon about her plans to go to counseling with Jo, noting that she’s only going to get on the same page with him regarding parenting Isaac.
Well, I mean, that and having a storyline for the next episode…
Up in South Dakota, beanie-wearing business woman (aka Human Ambien) Chelsea is “working” on her clothing line for Taco Belles…or whatever the hell this company is called. Basically, though, she’s unboxing basic-as-hell clothing that Laurie slapped the name “Chelsea DeBoer” onto.
Later that day, Chelsea and Cole have a baby-talk convo about Chelsea’s clothing line, one of the three storylines she’s serving up this season – the other two being Adam/Adam’s family and her anxiety.
Chelsea tells Cole she used to be nervous when meeting with Laurie because of her anxiety, but attending therapy and reading books has helped her. In one of her books, Chelsea learned about the love languages of children. Chelsea says she believes Aubree’s love language is quality time, so she decides to sign the two of them up for a cookie decorating class.
Because she knows her mom is likely to turn the outing into an opportunity to ask questions about her dad, Aubree invites her friend Kenna to meet them at the class. Kenna’s mom Ayla comes along, too, because as previously mentioned, Chelsea needed someone to talk to about moto jackets/anxiety/Adam.
During the class, they decorate cookies shaped like foxes and other woodland creatures (shocker), while Chelsea forces Aubree to admit she likes doing things with her more than Cole.
I think that’s nice…
Back in Indiana, it’s moving day for Jade’s mom Christy and her “plucked straight from ‘Tiger King'” husband Corey. Christy goes in and meets
Klowie Qlowi Kloie at the door and they start howling at each other. (As you do). Meanwhile, Corey is huffing and puffing to move their mismatched luggage and assorted drug scales and whatnot into Jade’s humble abode.
Christy tells Jade she applied for an apartment but they’ll be at her house for at least a couple of weeks. Jade says it’s good for
Khlowy Chlowy Kloie to have Christy at the house, but admits she’s only really doing it because it’s temporary and it’s “what a nice daughter does.”
Jade tells the camera that she doesn’t want her mom watching the baby a lot, because she’s afraid Christy’s bad habits (not to mention Christy’s Dollar General imitation Chanel No. 5 perfume) will rub off on Kloie.
A week into Jade’s Summer Camp for Parents and Deadbeat Baby Daddies, Christy hasn’t been helping (shocker) and Jade’s patience is wearing thin. Jade tells Sean during one of his video game breaks that their relationship seems to be getting better and she doesn’t want her parents to get in the middle of it, which shouldn’t happen, considering that would require actual effort on Christy and Corey’s part.
Later in Delaware, we see Kail recording another podcast, this time with a psychic medium named Monica, whom Kail seems a bit skeptical of at first, despite admitting she’s been to mediums in the past.
The medium tells Kail she senses a fourth child and though she knows Kail wants a girl, she believes it will probably be a boy. Kail tells the medium she’s “not having another boy,” but Monica assures her it’s likely, it may just be while.
“Well I guess you have to have a significant other, right?” Kail tells her.
Monica tells Kail that is “so funny,” to which Kail replies, “also, not true, but… .“
Monica the Medium then picks up on Kail’s tumultuous relationship with her mom, claiming Kail’s aunt (who has passed away) is trying to come through. Monica starts to get emotional while talking about Kail’s mom, which in turn, causes Kail to tear up as well. Two days later, Kail is still in San Diego and doing a photoshoot for her hair care line. While at the shoot, she gets a call from her mom and despite the producers (shamelessly) asking her to put the call on speaker, she steps out of the room instead.
Meanwhile, back in West Virginia, Leah takes Victoria down to Da Clinic to get a sonogram done. Leah reminds her sister (at every possible opportunity) that her baby daddy is thousands of miles away, but assures Victoria that she has nothing to worry about because she’s “the baby daddy now.”
Soon, the Messers are arriving in Costa Rica, where Victoria spots Roy-yer and flies into his arms. Later, Leah decides to talk to Roy-yer to make sure he’s serious about Victoria and the baby.
Um…shouldn’t someone have made sure he’s serious about them before there was a baby?
The scene then begins to resemble the part of a 16 and Pregnant episode in which all the braces-wearing friends gather around the knocked up girl and ask questions about how she ended up pregnant.
“Did you ask her if she was on birth control?” Leah asks Roy-yer.
Roy-yer assures Leah that staying with Victoria and the baby “es the goal.” Leah basically threatens his life if he ditches out on her. (We all know Mama Dawn will Greyhound-bus her ass down to Costa Rica and beat him to death with wershin’ board if he bails out on her pregnant daughter!)
The next day, Leah, Victoria and Roy-yer go to meet Roy-yer’s family. They then soggy- step their way to a random park, where they proceed to sit (in the rain) and discuss Victoria’s relationship. It looks (and sounds) absolutely miserable.
Leah then reminds Victoria yet again that she has no support.
Victoria thanks Leah (again) for her support, telling her that “none of this would be possible without you.”
(She must have resisted the urge to add “and your MTV paycheck” to the end of that sentence.)
Finally, we check in one last time with Briana. She is talking to Roxanne about allowing Luis to go with them to Nova’s competition.
“If he wants to come, I’m gonna let him come,” Briana says.
Um…clearly…I mean, that’s how you got Stella!
Luis arrives for the sweet stay in the hotel, and then heads to the competition with the DeJesus Coven. Stella says hello to him and he immediately tells her to “Take a chill pill, man.”
That’s some Ward Cleaver level of parenting right there!
Later, Bri goes to her car to Facetime “Shirley.” She then reveals that, while she and Lu were laying in that hotel bed, they banged…again. Shirley’s not even surprised. This time, Bri can’t even blame the booze for her banging.
To read The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!