Fun fact: this was one of the alternate titles for 16 & Pregnant.When you put an ultrasound, a summons of assorted baby daddies and a drug test all together, that could only mean one thing: it’s time for another crapisode of Teen Mom 2!
First, we head down to Florida to see what Briana and the DeJesus Coven are up to. Bri is now settled into her new house.
Can we all take a moment to mourn The Apartment of Broken Dreams? May it rest in [hoarder’s] peace.
Anyway, Bri is living that new townhouse life, but it’s costing her a pretty penny. Because of this, she’s decided to take her assorted baby daddies to task and demand that they help her pay for some of their daughters’ care. She sits her Dr. Miami-altered butt down at the table and starts preparing bills for each baby daddy, showing how much she pays for and how much they don’t pay for.
Bri shows Roxanne the bills and Roxy is shocked when she sees how much Briana is spending on Nova’s gymnastics and Stella’s daycare each month.
Briana has called a Meeting of the Baby Daddies for the next day, where she plans to present each guy with his childcare bill.
Roxanne is thrilled with the prospect of confronting both dads at one time. She tells Bri that if either of the guys give her crap about paying, she needs to take their deadbeat butts down to Ye Olde Courthouse!
Bri tells the camera that she is hesitant to take the Deadbeat Dads to court because she doesn’t know if that will mean they will be able to take the kids from her.
Um…you legit can’t even get Luis around his daughter without the promise of a hotel room and a free buffet breakfast. I don’t think you have to worry about ol’ Lu skipping out with your kid. He probably couldn’t even pick her out of a lineup, honestly.
“I don’t want to dip my toe into that pile,” Bri says. (Um?)
Next, we check in with Chelsea in South Dakota, all cellphone/Adam/Grandma Donna talk is pushed to the side momentarily so Chelsea and Cole can focus on the family’s latest news: Aubree getting braces.
To mark this probably funded (or heavily discounted) by Papa Randy dental work, Chelsea and Cole surprise Aubree with a ton of chewy, sticky and gummy candy to binge on until her mouth is filled with metal the following day.
Aubree is excited about her bag of candy, Chelsea is (weirdly) excited that Aubree’s teeth will be straightened before most of her classmates and we’re too distracted by Aubree’s trash throwing in the backseat to notice anything else.
On the way to Aubree’s appointment the next day, Chelsea tells Aubree that Chelsey Grace
and her Baby Alive hairdo will be stopping by so Chelsea has someone to film with while she is getting braced up in the back. Aubree politely pretends to care.
Inside the office, Chelsea looks around the room bored, only pausing occasionally to scroll through her phone and glance at Aubree, who appears to be having a rockin’ time.
Meanwhile, in Delaware, a knocked-up Kail has yet to tell her boys that she’s pregnant even though she’s 14 weeks along at this point. She admits that she considered abortion but changed her mind after seeing her ultrasound. Now that she’s made this decision, Kail says she needs to put her “big-girl pants on” and figure it out.
Later on, Kail tells her friend that she told Javi, Jo and Vee about her pregnancy and everyone was really supportive. Kail also reveals during this conversation that she had told Jo and some other people that she had miscarried because she had planned to get an abortion. She says she also told Javi that she already had the abortion, but after telling Javi that she was pregnant, he didn’t even question her changing her story.
Kail tells her friend she feels more guilty about this pregnancy than she did with her pregnancy with Isaac when she was 17 years old. Still, she says telling Javi, Jo and Vee was a huge relief off of her shoulders and she’s thankful for the way they reacted.
Later on, Kail and her friend Natalie head to an ultrasound appointment so Kail can find out the sex of her baby – the first time she’s ever done this for one of her pregnancies. Two seconds into the ultrasound, Kail is able to identify the baby’s sex on her own.
“That’s the penis!” she yells. She tells the ultrasound tech that her body rejects “female swimmers” and that she’s destined to only have baby boys.
We then head to the hollers of West Virginia, where Leah tells us that taking care of the girlseses while working on her memoirseses has been hard.
Leah is doing her best to pep the girlseses up for their activitieseses but they’re not having it. No one seems to have very much interest in “standing in their power” on this day, no matter what Leah says.
Later, Leah heads to a random duck pond to FaceTime her friend. (As you do).
The friend, Ashton (who may or may not be Kail’s pal Sterling) asks Leah what she’s been up to lately.
Leah tells her friend that she’s been “supporting” her sister Victoria and her baby, since Roy-er is still stuck in Costa Rica, but she and Victoria are heading down there so Roy-er can meet Baby Green Card.
Ashton robotically asks about Leah’s book progress. (What the ding-dang hell? Who is this girl? I DEMAND THEY BRING COUSIN CHASTITY BACK! Or Leah’s blond friend with the “Flock of Seagulls” haircut!)
Leah says she’s being very vulnerable in her book, and Ashton reminds Leah that she’s airing out her dirty laundry for the world (and the girlseses) to read someday.
“Ali and Aleeah have always been my motivation,” Leah says. “They’re what kept me going.”
Finally, we head to Las Vegas, where Jade and her pals are living it up…way, way off The Strip. Over dinner, Jade talks about how she never went “nowhere” as a kid and how she wants her daughter to get to do all the things she never did. Jade and her friends toast to pursuing their “dreams and goals.”
Jade says that, when it comes to her daughter, she wants to “enlighten her on life.”
Klowwy Khloie, Jade calls up Sean, who is watching her, to see how the kid is. Sean tells her all is well at home. Jade then tells her friends that Sean said he’s willing to take another drug test to prove that he’s not using (which is good, you know, since he’s watching your kid halfway across the country and all…)
Later, Jade tells the cameras that her mom Christy called up Sean and asked to see Chlowie, but Sean said no. This makes Jade realize that she will be forever in the middle of Cracky Christy and Sofa-Dwelling Sean.
Back in Florida, Briana is preparing for her Brigade ‘o’ Baby Daddies to arrive. Roxy’s out prowling the perimeter of the house, waiting for the guys to pull up.
Inside, Brittany noses around to see what all the hubbub is about. She can’t believe that Stella’s daycare costs $960 a month. Bri tells her that, in total, she’s spending almost $6,000 a month just on the kids.
“Why can’t I have two baby daddies that just help!?” Bri wails.
Brittany, who can always be counted on to bring the reality and snark to the daily happenings of the Coven, gives it to her sister straight.
“‘Cause you met one in high school and one at the club?” she zings.
Da Club Baby Daddy arrives first and is greeted by a ready-to-pounce Roxy. He looks terrified and goes over to the little girl he assumes is his daughter Stella.
Luis sulks in, knowing that the jig is up and that he’s going to be forced to dance for change out in front of the Denny’s to help pay for this kid. Briana encourages him to speak up during the lecture, and Luis grunts in response.
Next, Devoin arrives— fast food bag in hand— and greets Luis with a firm handshake. He sits down next to him, knowing what’s about to come his way: a conversation about money and/or a vase thrown at his head by Roxy.
Briana explains that she feels like she’s stuck doing everything for the girls by herself. She also addresses that, although they think she’s rolling in that MTV cash, but says she spent it all buying this new house.
She tells the Deadbeats that she wants the girls “to have strong father fig-ers in their lives.”
“I know us have issues. I don’t hold no grudges,” Bri explains to Luis. (Um?)
She then adds that even Devoin spends more time with Stella than Luis does. She adds that Stella even sometimes calls Devoin “Daddy” because she doesn’t know Luis.
Devoin explains that he now has “a lot of new bills,” what with the “car in my life” and all. (As he is saying this, Roxy is casually drinking water behind them, listening and preparing to chuck that Ikea tumbler right at Devoin’s head.)
Devoin says he’s about to move, but does not plan to get another job. Roxy looks livid.
Roxanne reminds the guys that, despite everything, they’re all family, and that if it means they need to get a second job to support their kids, then do so. She says that Briana works “three things,” so there’s no excuses for them.
Devoin agrees to give Bri a monthly amount, while Luis doesn’t exactly promise to pay. He simply thanks Bri for “holding it down” while he’s been absent. Roxanne pretty much knows that means there won’t be any money coming in from him.
Meanwhile, in South Dakota, Chelsey Grace eventually arrives at Aubree’s appointment under her mop of yellow Top Ramen curls. (For real…what’s even happening here?) Chelsea manages to refrain from asking her pal what the hell died on her head. She’s just happy to finally have someone to talk crap with.
Chelsea tells Chelsey Grace that Aubree texted Adam to tell him she was getting braces, only for Adam to tell her how terrible the whole braces experience is. Although in Adam’s defense – something that makes my skin crawl to think, let alone type – it is kind of common knowledge.
Speaking of the Linds, Chelsea says they have yet to respond to the letter her lawyer sent about Aubree no longer doing scheduled visits, which Chelsea believes is the Linds’ way of saying they agree to her terms. (Um?)
However, later on, Chelsea gets a text from Grandma Donna asking about a weekend for Aubree to come over for a visit.
Chelsea determines at this point that the Linds didn’t receive her lawyer’s letter, so she gives Grandma Donna a brief overview of what the letter addressed. Grandma Donna asks Chelsea if they can talk about what’s going on, but Chelsea and Cole aren’t down for the conversation and want to keep things moving through the lawyers.
In Indiana, Jade has just arrived home from her Vegas trip, and she’s eager to get Sean to pee in a cup to prove he was sober while watching Clowwwie. (Ummm shouldn’t you make sure of that before he watches the kid?)
She informs him, and Sean says he has no worries about the test.
Klowwwy wants to go into the bathroom with her dad, but Jade explains that she can’t because he’s peeing for a drug test.
I think that’s nice….
Sean checks and sees that he has passed for all of the assorted drugs. Jade and Qulowi clap for him and congratulate him on not taking drugs while watching a child.
When Jade mentions that Christy & the Crew will probably want to come see Khloiiii, Sean says that it’s only fair that they take a drug test if he has to in order to be around the kid. Jade is not a fan of that idea, so Sean ends up walking out of the room.
Finally, we head back to West Virginia. Leah calls up Corey Tyler to see if he can take Aleeah to her cheerin’ competition while she’s out in California working on things for her “stories.” Corey Tyler agrees, although he sounds unhappy that he’ll be spending the weekend watching youngins handspringin’ and whatnot. (Maybe he is happy, though. Corey sounds the same no matter how he feels.)
Later, Leah visits Victoria, who tells her that she has her six-week post-birth checkup coming up.
Victoria says that Roy-er is having a hard time being away from his newborn son.
Later, Leah tells us that there’s this “new virus spreading” that she’s concerned about. She sits down with Jeremy to discuss how many trips she has planned, but also how scared she is about this new virus.
Jeremy is basically like, WTF? He reminds Leah that she has an elderly grandma, as well as Ali, whose immune system “ain’t that great,” and that it’s not smart for her to be traveling and having a la-de-dah time all over the ding-dang country right now.
Leah is worried about her stories being published with no book tour.
“I’m spread thin right now!” she tells Jeremy.
Leah’s conversation with Jerm makes her reconsider her travel plans. However, she’s not sure if she should cancel everything or just postpone.
“My book is important but my daughter’s life I value more,” she tells the cameras.
I think that’s nice…
That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!