Howdy, fellow trash TV lovers! It’s time to check in again with MTV’s favorite not-so-underage breeders, the gals of Teen Mom 2! It’s basically business as usual in DumpsterFireVille, with Kail boy-momming hard, Chelsea preparing to pop out yet another DeBoer-lette, Leah trying to deal with her sass-mouthin’ girlseses, Briana yapping about her baby daddies and Jade threatening to box Sean.
In a time of uncertainty, it’s nice to know things on this show never change. (Also, this episode was drier than Mama Dawn‘s hair after she pours the Clorox over it. The Ashley did her best to make it exciting, but even she can’t make it “well.”)
First, we head to the holler, where Leah is preparing to help ’em girlseses with their virtual learnings. She is also taking Addie to her first dance class since “The Covid” tried to ruin their ding-dang lives!
Addie is worried about wearing her mask whilesssst dancing.
They call up Jeremy and talk about Addie starting the E-learningseses. Leah mentions that, because Addie is learning from home, Leah is now her mom, teacher and principal. (No doubt that comment made Jerm all hot and bothered, picturing Leah all suited up as a naughty E-learnin’ teacher.)
Addie sass-mouths Leah, and eventually just flat-out tells her to “Be quiet.”
(Ooooh, child. If Mama Dawn hears you speaking to your mama like, she’ll tan your hide with a spatula!)
Leah, as per usual, just lets the sass-mouth situation slide.
Next, we head to South Dakota, where Chelsea is celebrating the fact that Cole is COVID-free. They hire a photographer and head to their new house for a gender reveal.
I’m telling you: the real money is in being a photographer in one of these girls’ towns. With all their gender reveals, baby announcements, “I’m STD-free” and whatnot photoshoots, you could make a killing capturing the Kodak moments for a ‘Teen Mom’ girl.
On the way to the gender reveal, Chelsea asks her existing litter what they’re hoping the new baby is, a boy or a girl. She gets answers out of Watson and Layne but Aubree is on her— wait for it— cell phone so she could care less.
Armed with some confetti poppers, Chelsea and her crew reveal they’ll be adding another baby girl to the family. Everyone is surprised and excited. Well, almost everyone.
A couple of days later, Chelsea and the fam head back to the new house to let the kids run around in the mud while construction takes place around them as they discuss the upcoming school year.
Chelsea and Cole decide Aubree should return to class instead of doing virtual school because her grades were suffering a few months before after being forced to learn while her little siblings run amuck in the cabin. As for Watson, Cole wants to hold off on sending him to pre-school, being that he would be starting a year early anyway; however, because Chelsea wears the pants
and flannel shirts in the family, she tells Cole it’s best that Watson heads to school now in order to be around people his own age.
On the bright side, maybe he’ll learn a thing or two and will be able to teach his parents to talk like adults.
Meanwhile in Indiana, Jade and Sean are trying to get over their big fight because Qlowei’s birthday is the next day. Producer Eric tries to get the dirty deets on the fight, but Sean shuts him down, saying that if he talks about their fight, it’s going to cause another fight. (Sean knows his ass will be sleeping outside in the doghouse if he doesn’t watch his damn mouth!)
Kloweey starts acting up, so Sean tries to get her to behave by screaming “Dude” at her multiple times. Shockingly, it doesn’t work and she runs around screaming some more. Jade calls up her mom Christy to chat about her babysitting experience the night before.
Christy reports that Kllowii can be really sweet but then becomes “bad as hell.” Jade agrees, and everyone just bags on poor Clowyee, right in front of her.
“You’re being a butthole, dude!” Sean tells her at one point.
Save it for the baby book, Sean!
Next, we go to Florida to check in with Briana. As per usual, she’s complaining that Devoin and Luis aren’t helping her. She’s also preparing for Nova’s upcoming birthday, so she’s got to plan that too.
It’s still dark out, but Bri heads to drop the girls at school. Later, when the sun’s finally come up, Bri and Brittany stuff their faces and talk crap on Devoin and his family. Bri says Devoin’s mom may come to Nova’s birthday party. (No word yet if she’ll actually come in, though. Her feet may be hurtin’ again!)
Briana says she and Devoin got into a “big ass” fight. (How big? Like…post-Dr. Miami surgery big?) Of course, the big ass fight was about money, which Briana and Devoin both claim to have none of.
Briana isn’t buying that Devoin’s actually broke, given his tendency to post photos on Instagram of himself holding money (as you do), and “posting thousands of dollars of Gucci sneakers” (Um?)
“Like, he be posting photos of money!” Briana declares.
We are then treated to a series of Instagram photos in which Devoin is modeling said Gucci sneakers and other designer goods…in a parking garage.
Over in Delaware, Kail is struggling with baby Creed or “Baby Difficult,” as she says he should’ve been named. Kail tells Producer Patrick that Creed is tongue-tied, making it difficult for him to eat and as a result, a bit fussier than her previous three boys. Creed is set to have the issue resolved in a week, but in the meantime, Kail is just trying to manage… and Patrick is just trying to work in these conditions.
Kail tells Patrick that aside from picking up some diapers the week Creed was born, Chris has been a no-show in this whole child-raising ordeal.
She also reveals that while in labor, Creed stopped breathing at one point. Kail goes on to talk about how distraught Chris appeared to be in that moment and says because her midwife was not a doctor and the nearest hospital was 45 minutes away, that moment was an example of the peace of mind “you don’t have when you do a home birth.”
Speaking of peace of mind, Kail switches gear to tell Patrick that Chris has zero custody of Creed and supervised visits of Lux… so there’s that.
Meanwhile, in West Virginia, Leah goes to meet Corey Tyler and pick up the twinseses. They’ve just had their first day of E-learning schoolin’ and Leah’s eager to hear all about it. Corey Tyler tells her that he hopes they’ll be able to survive having to teach the girlseses.
The next day, Leah gets all the girlseses settled in, fires up that AOL Broadband and instructs them to pay attention. Addie mentions that Leah might be their meanest principal ever, due to some menstrual matters.
Mommy’s on her period!” Addie declares gleefully.
Leah (and her trusty Tampax) lines the girlseses up against the wall, mugshot-style, for a “First Day of School” pic.
Producer Brandon talks to Leah about the level of discipline the girlseses will have while learning at home.
“Nothing!” Addie screeches. “I can tell you that right now!”
Leah calls up Jerm to report that Addie is talking crap, but Addie throws it right back at Jerm, telling him that he won’t discipline her either.
Jeremy threatens to throw Addie’s stuff away, but Addie isn’t worried because she knows he won’t actually do it, because “it’s a waste of money.”
Leah doesn’t do much to deal with her sass mouth. She goes to check on Ali, who insists that she’s “readed a lot.”
Leah’s school is not well…
The next day, Leah drags the girlseses to the trusty deserted park to ask them how their E-learning experience has been going. The girlseses are sad they can’t learn in person with their friends, so naturally, Leah explains how hard it was for her to have them E-learning. She then makes them all put their hands in for a “girl power” chant.
Aleeah looks like she wants to jump in the lake and swim her way back to Corey Tyler’s house.
Meanwhile, in Florida, it’s the day of Nova’s birthday party. Briana has rented a house and crammed a bunch of little kids and adults into it because….apparently that’s safer than having a COVID-fest at your own house? Everyone knows you can’t pass or catch COVID in an Air BnB!
Devoin skateboards over to the party, but must first talk with Producer Vanessa outside about his argument with Bri. He mentions that he apologized to Briana for being out of line, mostly so he and his family could come to the birthday party for Nova.
No one is wearing a mask (except Devoin and his family). Brittany is all decked out like she just went shopping at the swapmeet in the 1990s. Naturally, she’s booty-popping over by the cake.
They bring out Nova’s birthday cake, which has a giant candle on top. Nova can’t blow it out herself, so a whole gang ‘o’ DeJesus gals blow all over the cake…in a pandemic…in a small room packed with people.
I think that’s nice…
Outside, Roxy tells Briana that, although their family is a complete trainwreck, it’s good that they can all come together for Nova. Briana says she’s tired of Devoin and his family coming over only during happy times and not helping out during the struggles.
Back in South Dakota, Cole is preparing for Watson’s first day of school by giving him a tutorial on how to wear a mask. Though he’s only 3, Watson seems unbothered when Cole loops the smile face mask around his ears… probably because Watson has already spent months living in terror as a result of whatever the hell Cole has been wearing on his own face.
On the way to drop off Watson at school, Watson tells Chelsea he’s going to play with friends and “run in” to the school, meanwhile, Cole is driving the car and trying not to have a complete meltdown.
After walking Watson inside, Cole admits to Chelsea that he shed some tears on the way out of the school and Chelsea pretends to be surprised by this news.
Back in Delaware, Kail is on the struggle bus. She’s tending to newborn Creed and toddler Lux, all while downing giant caffeinated beverages, and checking on Lincoln and Isaac’s virtual school assignments. She explains to them the difference between “submit” and “resubmit.” (Thrilling stuff, we tell ya. Where’s Amber with her machete when you need to spice up a scene?!)
It’s time for Creed to have his tongue-tie clipped. (Jesus God Leah, someone please tell me this is not as terrifyingly painful as it sounds!)The ever-dependable Natalie shows up to watch Lux so Kail can take Creed to his appointment. An hour later, Kail calls her friend Kristen to tell her that the ear, nose and throat doctor told her that Creed is not tongue-tied, despite the midwife and pediatrician telling her that he was.
Kail is pissed that she drove an hour for Creed to have this procedure done for nothing and she’s also concerned that Creed has sleeping issues. She comes to the conclusion that Creed is just a difficult baby.
Hmm, we can’t imagine who he gets that from…
Meanwhile, in Indiana, it’s time for
Dude’s Kloo-i’s birthday dinner. Christy and Corey, never ones to miss a free meal, arrive at the restaurant. Christy starts singing a gravelly version of “Happy Birthday” but Clo-ee screams over her because she’s scared of a Mercedes driving by.
Soon, the entire crew is screaming “Happy Birthday” (all while Christy is probably busy stuffing free breadsticks into her purse for later.)
They discuss sending Kloooyi to school or daycare, but Jade makes sure to point out that Sean is just “sitting at home” so there’s no reason to pay for daycare. Christy, ever the entrepreneur, suggests that Sean could “go out and deliver food…or something” to fill the time.
That suggestion doesn’t go over well with Sean, who reminds everyone he’s planning to go back to school. (‘Member? He wants to “do music…and stuff, dude.”)
Jade and Sean then begin to bicker over who controls who. Christy, being the classy society lady that she is, starts to become concerned that their fight is causing a scene and making people look at them. She encourages them to bicker in the comfort of their own home because their arguing is putting a damper on her free food.
Jade reminds them that her and Sean fight all day, every day, no matter where they are.
Later, Jade is out on the street, bitching to Producer Eric and Christy about how awful Sean is. She says he’s lazy and reminds them that she went to school and worked for a year straight.
“He ain’t built like we are,” Christy says.
UMMMM…I’M SORRY. What is this we you speak of, Christy?
“Not everyone is as smart as us,” Christy adds.
In the words of Amber Portwood… I’M DONE!
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!