For those still needing to throw together some last-minute Valentine’s Day plans, Jill and Derick Dillard have got you covered – much like the arms and legs of the Duggar Family from whom they’ve defected.
I mean, who better than Jill and Derick to show couples the ins and outs of a “progressive” date? Also, not for nothing, but with only a few days remaining before Feb. 14, now is not the time to be selective. A date inspired by Jill and Derick is better than no date at all. (Probably?)
Jill and Derick’s Getting Progressive With Our Date video was posted to the couple’s official YouTube channel and of course, sponsored by their “favorite (& clean!) marriage app,” which they began pushing back in November. After reminding viewers that the app is “definitely designed for married couples” (aka not for those living—and fornicating— in sin), the Dillards head out for their “progressive date.”
To save you the pain of sitting through this cringe-fest, as well as the time (which you can use to iron your Dockers or practice being “joyfully available” to your partner!) The Ashley has highlighted some of Jill and Derick’s tips for putting the ‘pro’ in progressive dating.
Tip #1: Gather your supplies.
Before leaving the driveway, Jill juggles an armful of snacks, drinks, an iPad, toys and bunch of other crap, all while keeping the camera rolling.
Because her “Blessings” are joining her and Derick on this sure to be stress-free date, Jill says “you gotta have it all or else your date time will not be very successful.”
There’s nothing wrong with Jill’s strategy to “have it all,” but does she not realize she can “have it all” inside a bag? Get it together, girl.
Tip # 2: Drink some of the devil’s juice.
Once settled into the car, Jill says the first stop on the progressive date is wherever she can get an adult beverage. Unfortunately, Jill’s excitement is short-lived when Derick reminds her they must first feed the
buzzkills Blessings in the backseat.
Tip #3: Feed your kids a
In an effort to get their kids excited about going on a date with their parents, Jill and Derick surprise the boys with the announcement that they’re eating McDonald’s – something the kids don’t seem real jazzed about (rightfully so). Jill tries to save face by telling viewers that she knows McDonald’s isn’t the healthiest choice, to which Derick chimes in to say “it’s healthier than starving.”
I imagine this is how Jill’s sister-in-law Anna rationalizes having sex with her husband, Josh. He isn’t the best choice, but it’s better than going without…
Tip #4: Play 21 questions while your kids scream in the background.
After attempting to jam some fast food into their kids’ gullets in order to get some peace and quiet, Jill and Derick head off to their next stop: drinks… of the caffeinated variety. During the drive, (contractually-obligated) Jill busts out her sexy time app to work in some conversation starters with Derick. Despite being married for quite a few years now, Jill and Derick’s conversation during this “game” is uncomfortable to watch and it suddenly feels as though we’re witnessing an awkward first date. Or just a Duggar date in general.
Nevertheless, they persist and Derick reveals that his ideal dinner guest would be Jesus (shocker) and Jill says her biggest milestones have been getting married, having kids and living out of the country.
Tip #5: Say the word “charcuterie” 831 times – bonus points if you mispronounce it.
Jill and Derick grab some coffee and then head to a restaurant to pick up a charcuterie board. Jill and Derick mention this a minimum of 50 times, clearly having just learned days prior what the hell a charcuterie board actually is.
Tip #6: Force unsuspecting strangers to listen to you talk about your creepy date.
Throughout the video, Derick and Jill continue to tell everyone they meet along the way that they are on a progressive date. Naturally, not one of these people asks the couple any followup questions.
Tip #7: Tell your kids how babies are made. (Kind of.)
While literally cramming Greek salad into their mouths and fully ignoring their kids (who are likely already contemplating barrel-rolling out of the car and away from this mess), Derick decides to quiet things down by telling Israel and Sam that date night – the thing the four of them are currently on together – is how the kids “started growing inside mommy’s tummy.”
If they weren’t contemplating barrel-rolling out of the car before, that comment almost certainly did it.
Tip #8: Tell your kids about the time you banged their mom four times in one day.
After Jill jumps in to tell her boys they began “growing inside mommy’s tummy” after “a bunch of dates,” Derick recalls the time he and Jill had four “dates” in one day. Jill seems embarrassed that Derick spilled the beans on their massive bang-sesh, so she tells him to “just chill a little bit.”
Jesus God, Jim Bob, I need a minute…and an air sick bag.
Jill tells viewers that she and Derick “have a great sex life,” adding, “praise the lord!” Derick, spraying kalamata olive all over as he talks, then defends his previous statement, telling Jill “at least I used the word ‘date’ instead of the S-word.”
Tip #9: Drown out your kids by listening to “sexpert interviews.”
While waiting for their food to be ready, Jill and Derick get the brilliant idea to plug in some headphone and listen to “sexpert interviews” from their intimacy app, all while the kids watch Paw Patrol re-runs in the backseat.
The theme of this and presumably every progressive date is to bring and ignore your kids, folks.
Tip #10: End your progressive date by eating ice cream…in front of your kids.
For the last part of the “progressive date,” Jill and Derick have dessert (which, thankfully, isn’t each other…yet.) Derick leaves the car to get some sort of ice cream treat, which he brings back to Jill. They share the dessert, as the poor kids look on.
After the kids beg for a bite, Jill gives them each a spoonful…and then continues to let Derick spoon-feed her the treat seductively.
You can watch Jill and Derick’s full “progressive date” below.