Welcome back to TeenMom-ville, where the MTV money is flowin’ and the drama keeps growin’ by the episode!
This week’s episode will be a doozie…er, I mean a dookie… because someone poops in a garage.
We also have Leah verbally bitch-slapping Amber, Cheyenne raging with pregnancy hormones and Tyler talking crap on Brandon ‘n’ Teresa, all packed into one fun-filled hour!
Let’s get this party started!
We kick things off in Florida with Mackenzie. Ol’ Joshy is still back in Oklahoma getting his wall spackled (or something), so it’s just Mack and her pack ‘o’ feral children left to terrorize the Sunshine State. While Mack’s youngest, Bronchitis (?), is normally quite undomesticated, the sudden departure of Josh has left him positively beastly.
Anyway, Bronchal is acting up– screaming these primitive (and honestly quite terrifying) screams, and punching the BeJesus God Leah out of his siblings and friends.
Mackenzie’s other two kids— Ganana and Jaxis— appear to be over their brother’s feral behavior. They are shown literally cringing in the car as Bronchitis screams from the depths of his soul. (They are giving Bronchitis the same look Josh has on his face whenever he’s listening to Mack talk.)
Mackenzie has a big meeting with her boss, but she doesn’t have a babysitter/zoo trainer to watch the kids, so she’s forced to drag them along to the meeting, which is taking place at her boss’ house. A few of the kids arrive to the meeting sans shoes (naturally).
As Mack is busy talking about what flavor of Kool-Aid (or whatever the hell powder she’s hawking) will sell best, the kids are off destroying the house room by room. Suddenly a loud, ear-piercing screech is heard from the garage and the home owner looks positively terrified, wondering which of the rooms of his house will have to be fumigated after the kids leave.
Mack is obviously stressing, thinking about all of the things that could have caused that scream. Unfortunately for her (and the home owner), it’s worse than she could have even feared.
Producer Anne Marie (who will likely go straight to her hotel room and bathe in Lysol after this film sesh ends), informs Mackenzie that Bronki “has diarrhea” in the garage. No, that doesn’t mean that he was in the garage and suddenly realized he needed to use the restroom.
He legit sprayed his diarrhea ALL OVER THE GARAGE.
He pooped in the garage!
HE POOPED IN THE GARAGE!
I need a moment.
Producer Anne Marie asks Mack if she would like to stop her meeting and go “take care” of Bronty’s diarrhea.
What is the other option? Like, can she say no and just leave the watery, poopy mess that her four-year-old deposited in the garage? Mack’s boss looks disgusted and, honestly, a little terrified. If this kid is willing to just drop trou and spray literal crap in a stranger’s garage, who knows what else he’s capable of!?
The owner offers to bring in “some tools” to help clean up the mess.
Thankfully, MTV has spared us having to actually lay eyes on the poop pile. However, we get to listen to the audio as Mack surveys the damage. We hear her instruct poor Gannon to clean up the mess. (REALLY?!!?!) Mackenzie says she’ll capture Broncilious, who is just screaming at the top of his lungs.
The owner of the house comes out to look at his garage-turned-outhouse. What he sees turns his stomach.
“That’s disgusting, man,” he tells Bronxxx.
WHY CAN’T I STOP LAUGHING IN BETWEEN DRY HEAVES?!
I mean, this show has always been s**ty, but I think we’ve reached a new low today. When cast members– regardless of age— are just pulling down their pants and crapping willy-nilly wherever they want— I think it’s time to flush the whole damn show…
Next we head over to Tennessee. It doesn’t appear that anyone is pooping in any parts of Maci‘s MTV Mansion other than the restroom, so that’s a plus.
Maci, Taylor Bentley and the Oopsie Babies sit down for pizza and a “fun” game of “Who’s the Smartest in the Family?” Naturally, all of Maci’s sports-playin’ youngins’ believe that they are the smartest Oopsie Baby in the Bunch, to which Maci swoops right in and reminds them that she and Taylor get that title by default.
Bentley tells Maci that it’s Papa Larry‘s 60th birthday party this weekend, and he’ wants to go. (I mean, he doesn’t want to be a party-pooper which is, for the record, much better than a garage-pooper.)
Maci immediately asks if Ryan and Mackenzie will be at the party and Bentley confirms that they will be attending. (How wonderful Ryan was able to get the day off work to go…haha, just kidding!)
Bentley talked about the party in his latest therapy session with “Dr. Ed.” (Shockingly, Maci didn’t sneak a microphone into the session so she could get audio to blast on the show.) Bentley tells Maci that Dr. Ed gave him a business card to pass along to Ryan that weekend, which will hopefully motivate Ryan to put on his best powdered wig and start going to therapy with his son.
Maci tells Bentley she’s proud of him for being courageous and for being the adult in the situation. (Ya know, because he had a choice and everything.)
Bentley is nervous because it’s “been forever” since Ryan grunted in his direction and he doesn’t know if it will be awkward to be around him.
Over in Los Angeles, Cheyenne undergoes genetic testing to determine whether her and Zach’s unborn baby with have VLCAD – the rare disease Ryder was diagnosed with shortly after birth. After getting her own results, Cheyenne tells Zach he needs to go in for testing as well.
Cheyenne apologizes to Zach for just throwing him into this “situation,” but he assures her that everything will be OK. Cheyenne isn’t convinced and won’t be until she has the results in her hands.
Zach tells Cheyenne to stay positive and focus on the upcoming gender reveal party.
Later on, Cory drops off Ryder (with an iPad covered in bubble gum) and talks to Cheyenne about the results of her genetic test. Cory reminds Cheyenne that she knew her test would come back positive for VLCAD to which Cheyenne tells him that her doctor already told her not to freak herself out or to “become a Google Doctor.” Cory tells Cheyenne she should take that advice.
While waiting to hear from his doctor, Zach reveals to his friend that his results have been delayed and it’s starting to worry Cheyenne. Zach says he understands Cheyenne’s concern and is trying to ease some of her stress by helping out around the house, but one wrong move and Cheyenne goes full-blown “Carrie on Prom Night” on everyone.
Zach says he didn’t really think about the possibility of his child having this disease before Cheyenne got knocked up but he knows Cheyenne obviously thought about it a lot more, having gone through everything with Ryder. He also says Ryder’s disease is confusing because most of the time, she doesn’t appear to be sick, has a ton of energy and is basically “a perfect child.” Still, he knows they have to “prepare for the what if.”
In Michigan, Cate and Tyler are sitting in the Octagon ‘o’ Triggers, thinking about
a storyline their first daughter Carly. Catelynn is trying to get sperminated but has been unsuccessful so they “can’t help but” think of “the one that got away,” Carly.
Cate tells us that “because of COVID” (and, you know, how busy they have been wrangling wayward family members, searching for business spaces that they’ll never use and changing hair colors), she hasn’t seen Carly in two years. (Luckily, the kid has that awesome scrapbook that Cate threw together in three minutes last time they saw her. That will help tide her over until the next visit.)
They call in Adoption Counselor Dawn (and her perma-smile) to talk about all things Carly.
Adoption Counselor Dawn reminds Cate and Ty that Catelynn was very unsure about the decision to place Carly for adoption, while Tyler was very sure. We hear that dreamy music so we know we’re about to be treated to a flashback clip. We watch the scenes from Cate’s 16 and Pregnant episode and see them give Carly to Brandon ‘n’ Teresa.
Cate says that their relationship with Brandon ‘n’ Teresa has “always been complicated.”
Adoption Counselor Dawn asks Ty and Cate if they’ve been reaching out to Brandon ‘n’ Teresa to ask for pics of Carly, or Facetimed or even just checked in to see how Carly’s school year is going. Tyler says they haven’t but, you know, they’ve “been busy”
working er… going to school um… volunteering in their community. Well, I mean, they have all that clickbait to post so it’s understandable…
They talk about what Carly is like today as a 12-year-old and Tyler says that they don’t really know what she’s like now.
Cate says she feels like Brandon ‘n’ Teresa don’t want them “super involved” in Carly’s life.
Um…no, it’s probably that they don’t want your TV cameras involved in Carly’s life. ‘Member how they asked you literally years ago to stop talking about them on-camera and yet, here we are…?
Tyler starts to get a little pissy. He asks Dawn if he’s supposed to drop what he’s doing all the time (LOL) and reach out constantly to Brandon ‘n’ Teresa to ask about Carly, knowing that they may shoot down his request to talk to her or see her. Adoption Counselor Dawn seems a little surprised by how whiny Tyler is being but she keeps that perma-grin on her face, bless her heart, and explains to him that you can’t be both a whiney lil biotch and an active part in your biological daughter’s life.
Dawn tells them that they “can’t expect a relationship” unless they “make the investment” of their time.
Finally, we head to Indiana to check in on Amber. She’s sporting her fashionable rantin’ turtleneck while chatting on the phone with her mom Tonya.
Amber’s still talking about Leah’s birthday party. She tells her mom she didn’t go because she wanted to do a one-on-one thing with Leah, but Leah shot down that idea. (BUT WHY COULDN’T BOTH THINGS HAVE HAPPENED?!)
Tonya explains how smart Leah is and Amber basically takes credit for that, stating that she’s “there looking at her homework sometimes.”
UM…??! When was that Ambie? In between giving Matt a lie-detector test and mail-ordering yourself a Belgian boo? I don’t seem to recall a lot of Amber/Leah study seshs.
Amber insists that she was there for Leah but Leah was too young to remember.
You know what kids do remember? When they are seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve years old. If you were there at that time, she would remember.
Amber says she’s not going to wait too long for Leah to realize how wonderful of a mother she has. She’s got things to do, guys!
Hahaha, I made a funny!
Amber wants to teach Leah a lesson and have her feel what it’s like to miss having her mom around. Amber says Leah has peeked at Amber’s Snapchat pics which kind of makes her mad.
“You’re still lookin’ at my pictures when you don’t wanna be around me?” Amber says.
Later, Gary talks to Leah about the Amber Situation. He says he knows Mommy Dearest “didn’t show up” to Leah’s birthday, but wants to know if Amber reached out to Leah.
Leah tells him that she did…on Snapchat.
Leah says Amber told her she knows Leah would rather do a one-on-one activity with Amber. Oh, and Amber told Leah that her birthday party was “fake.”
AS YOU DO.
As Leah explains how Amber told her she is “too young” to understand all the fakery going on with the birthday party and such, Gary looks like he wants to take his “Indiana Fear Farm” ball cap off and shove it down Ambie’s throat. He knows his child is being manipulated by a woman who is far less mature than his 12-year-old. He’s angry but, bless his heart, he still tries to encourage Leah to let Amber into her life.
“I get that Mommy has said she’s gonna do stuff and she didn’t. I get Mommy hasn’t been around the way she’s supposed to be, but we can’t just write her off,” Gary tells Leah.
Leah says she’s not ready for a one-on-one Ambie experience. However, whenever she is ready, she wants to start small, like having Amber come over or going to get ice cream.
“I know that I don’t want to ever stay the night,” Leah says.
Gary– A SAINT— probably knows this will hurt Amber when she sees this clip, so he insists that Leah said that because she doesn’t want to stay in Amber’s rental house.
“If she had her house it would be a different story, right?” Gary asks hopefully.
Leah says Amber gets opportunities to hang out with her, but if it’s not exactly how Amber wants, Amber is a no-show. Leah “Boo Boo” Shirley is DONE.
Leah says as far back as she can remember, she only remembers Kristina acting like a mom to her.
“Kristina is my mom,” Leah tells Gary, who has this look on his face like, “WTF do I say?” He knows every word of what Leah is saying is true, and that Amber was off being a “rill woman” for her man-of-the-month instead of being a parent to Leah. Amber occasionally came over for the “fun” stuff but was never there to actually be a mom to Leah.
“Being a mom isn’t just like, ‘I gave birth to this child,'” Leah says. “It’s like taking care of the child and actually being the mom.”
Meanwhile, back in Florida, Mackenzie’s boss is sitting at the table, regretting his decision to hire D-list reality stars to promote his products. She marches back to the meeting, announcing, “Well, my son took a crap in your garage” like it’s a normal, everyday thing for your spawn to s**t on the floor of strangers’ garages.
“Ah, that’s OK,” he tells her.
Is it? IS IT!?
The boss—obviously still in shock from the s**t bomb that he witnessed— manages to grumble that having two or three kids is “a lot.” (Um, yeah, especially when they have exploding bowels!)
We then learn that spraying s**t isn’t the only bad habit lil’ Brinkx has. Mackenzie casually mentions that he has other “behavior issues,” such as, you know, biting the teacher to the point of drawing blood. She then launches into a tirade about how Josh won’t answer his phone to talk about the kids because he’s off hunting. Her boss just sits there slack-jawed.
This poor, poor man. All he wanted to talk about was what color of label he should use on his protein powders and he’s already had his garage turn into septic tank, has had to listen to this chick rant about her absentee man and has to worry that Broncs, The Vampire Kid, will bite through his jugular.
Mack’s boss advises her to look into getting some help for Bronchial because he clearly needs it.
Later, Josh takes a break from shootin’ deer and such to call up Mack to make sure the kids are still alive. Mackenzie insists that Bronchial needs therapy, but Josh says that the kid will grow out of gnawing on the teacher… and stuff. Just then, Josh’s phone magically “cuts out” and hangs up.
Mackenzie decides to call a therapist anyway and ask if having her son crap in someone’s garage is normal.
She informs the therapist that she gets calls every day from his school, saying that he’s
biting the other kids to the point where they have gnaw marks all over them.
The therapist tells her that Brontosaurus is “regressing” due to all of the changes that have taken place in his life recently.
Together, Mack and the therapist vow to get the kid the help he needs to prevent him from turning any more people’s garages into outhouses.
Back in Los Angeles, Cheyenne’s sister, R You Paying Me By The Hour? offers to take Ryder to their dad’s house to give her a break for a few days so she can relax, but Cheyenne insists that she “can’t take a few days” and does not “have that option” – even though R literally just gave her that option.
On top of everything else, Cheyenne’s legs are itching like crazy and she’s within moments of losing her mind.
Back in Tennessee, the day of Larry’s big 6-0 has arrived, along with Bentley – Dr. Ed’s business card in-hand. During the party, Bentley doesn’t appear to talk to Ryan much, but the two do have a moment of father-son bonding time while holding Larry down to shove cake in his face, which is pretty much a Hallmark movie moment compared to what we usually see from this bunch.
After Bentley returns home from Larry’s party, Maci and Taylor are “curious” to find out how things went – aka anxious as hell for Bentley to spill the tea – but Bentley tells them things went well.
Bentley tells Maci and Taylor that he gave Ryan Dr. Ed’s card and that Ryan said he would
have Jen call Monday to set up an appointment. Maci and Taylor pretend to be happy for Bentley and Maci adds that Bentley did “much more than should have ever had to be done.”
Meanwhile, Mackenzie and Ryan talk about the time they spent with Bentley at the party and Mackenzie cheerfully reminds Ryan that, while it’s good that he and Bentley will be going to counseling, she still thinks Bentley is being manipulated.
Ryan says he knows “for a fact” that Bentley is being manipulated and even reveals that he told Bentley during the party that he believes he’s being lied to.
Ryan tells Mackenzie that he doesn’t trust the counselor Maci picked because he doesn’t trust Maci, but still, he calls Dr. Ed and leaves a voicemail, reminding the doc that he’s “available anytime” (except for Ryan’s naptime from 1pm to 6pm, natch).
Over in Michigan, it’s a few days after Catelynn and Tyler’s talk with Dawn. Cate says she texted Teresa and asked if they could send Carly a digital picture frame to put in her room. Um…that’s not “investing time,” guys. Seeing a collage of photos of your mugs (with the occasional Butch or April glamour shot thrown in for good measure) isn’t going to help Carly know you any better.
Teresa agrees to the gift, so they vow to send one for Christmas. (If it’s anything like the scrapbook, Carly will get the frame somewhere around Easter 2045.) Cate says she’s going to write a letter to Carly and send stamps and paper in case the kid wants to write back.
Tyler is pissed off that Cate is fine acting like nothing is wrong in their relationship with The White Breads. Catelynn says that Tyler is mad because he feels like he can’t act like “his authentic self” (aka be a whiney biotch) and not anger Brandon ‘n’ Teresa. He has to censor his temper tantrums and abrasive behavior a bit so he doesn’t frighten Ma and Pa Whitebread.
Tyler’s mad that he has to “tame himself” and watch his language when he’s talking to them.
Um…yeah. It’s called acting like an adult, Ty. Try it sometime!
Catelynn also starts a new group text thread with Teresa and includes Tyler in it. Tyler is again all pissy because now he has to contribute. (That “hi!” text will require quite the effort.) He tells Cate it’s “safer for him not to” communicate with The Whitebreads and Carly because if he can’t be his biotchy self, then he doesn’t wanna talk to them anyways!
Tyler says that he’d be sad if they cut Carly off from them completely, but he says he’d handle it better than Cate. He knows that, if that were to happen, some sort of therapy farm animal would be on its way to the Octagon before Cate even hung up the phone.
It’s nice that Tyler is willing to keep his big trap closed to make sure he doesn’t screw up Cate’s chance of a decent relationship. I guess…
Catelynn wonders if Carly will want anything to do with them when she’s older, and if she will invite them to her wedding someday.
Finally, we check back in with Amber. She’s calling up Gary to bitch about how she should be priority in Leah’s life (REALLY?!?! This chick’s got bigger cahones than Starburst the Horse!) She demands she get the one-on-one time with Leah she deserves. (UMMM?!)
Gary finally gives it to her straight. He tells her that Amber and Leah have never had “girls’ days” before and now that she’s decided that she wants to, it’s not up to her anymore. It’s up to Leah.
“You don’t like going out of the house,” Gary said. “You don’t like going out to eat.”
Naturally, Amber blames COVID for her hermit-like ways.
Gary tells her that what she feels and what he feels doesn’t matter because it’s all about Leah.
That, of course, pisses Amber off because she can’t come back with an excuse. Instead, she throws out her trusty line that she’s been using since she kicked Gary down the stairs with her ridiculously overtanned foot that fateful day over a decade ago.
“I’M DONE!” she yells as she hangs up on him.
Gary goes to speak to Kristina about Amber’s latest tantrum. He tells her that Amber is now saying it’s Gary and Kristina’s fault that Leah can’t stand her, because they’ve “hindered” her relationship with Leah.
Gary’s like, “Um…lady, where ya been the last 12 years? Sending a Snapchat once a week ain’t parenting.”
Kristina brings up the fact that, ironically, Gary is the only thing keeping Amber in Leah’s life because Leah is like (to quote her mother) “I’M DONE!”
Kristina is tired of Amber’s crap, and she tells it like it is. She reviews the last 10 or so years of Leah’s life, in which Leah was used as a tool by Amber to show that she’s a “good mom,” in between gel, drugs, and pickle-tickling men from all over the United States who came to her couch for D-list fame.
“Amber wasn’t there as a mother and now she feels it’s somebody else’s fault,” Gary says.
Kristina insists she’s never been there to step on Amber’s toes as a mom. In fact, Amber’s toes have been far, far from Leah most of the time, kicked up on the couch while she squawked at whatever dude she was calling her soulmate that year.
Kristina says she wishes Amber was a little more respectful and grateful for all the normal “mom” things Kristina does for Leah while Ambie snoozes on her Lazy Boy, like taking Leah to the dentist and to school.
Kristina serves up a steaming plate of the truth.
“If it wasn’t for me, Leah wouldn’t have a mom in her life still!” she tells Gary, who agrees.
Gary thanks his wife for being such a great role model to Leah, and for taking her in as her own daughter and for, you know, not going to prison and doing drugs and playing mind games with his daughter and stuff.
That’s all for this episode! To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episode of ‘Teen Mom OG,’ click here!