Farrah Abraham newest book— a “self help memoire”— is getting shredded in its Amazon reviews– and the Backdoor Teen Mom is not happy about it.
Over the weekend, Farrah posted a screenshot of the Amazon page for her latest book, Dream Twenties: Self-Guided Self Help Memoire, along with a message to those who have been leaving negative reviews for the ‘memoire.’ (And, no…that is not a typo.)
“Haters leave me more negative comments…” she wrote. “I’m shocked to see your trying to better yourself!”
Farrah— who claims to currently be studying at Harvard, despite the fact that she has yet to understand the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’— self-released the book in June. If you’re currently in need of a chuckle, The Ashley has composed a list of five of the funniest reviews left on Amazon for Farrah’s new book!
The 43-page Vessel ‘o’ Farrah Speak currently only has an Amazon rating of 1.5 out of 5 stars. It is described in its Amazon bio (which was almost certainly written by Farrah, given the heavy dose of Farrah Speak it contains) as bringing readers “stepping stones of living a life of justice and essential success for the 21st century by top googled celebrity Farrah Abraham.”
The Ashley will give you a moment to allow your brain to figure that sentence out…
Farrah also managed to work a bunch of new, “important”-sounding words into the bio.
“Farrah goes on to fight for the female perspective through her coming-of-age adult journey,” the Amazon bio states. “Farrah Abraham recalls her most challenging moments surrounding equality, diversity, inclusion, breaking the silence on sexual assault, cyberbullying, and living a life of activism through art forms of media in the dreamiest moments of her twenties. Farrah Abraham has chosen to enrich the world with boundaries, consent culture, healing, mental health, and end abuse in front and behind the screen, extending to all of our communities that networks reach.”
Farrah (or the mysterious bio author who writes exactly like Farrah) ends the description with a strange piece of advice for her readers.
“Live a life of justice, may all your twenties dreams come true even before or after your twenties.”
While the book doesn’t sound very interesting to The Ashley, the reviews left on its Amazon page are quite funny!
Here are a few of The Ashley’s favorites…
Reader “Jon Lalonde” had some advice on how to “stomach” this book:
“Take some Tums before attempting to digest this,” he advised. “The author explains in the beginning of the book that any errors (spelling, grammatical, etc) are due to the fact that the contents of this book were composed on a mobile device. This book reads as though the author followed popular memes that say things like “type ‘my life is’ and hit the middle button to see what sentence is made for you”. Many thoughts are incoherent or make no sense at all.”
Reader “Laurie” was able to put Farrah’s ramblings to good use:
“Narcissistic Farrah telling us how great she is…I used the pages to line my birdcage.”
Poor “Priscilla” claims that the book actually made her lose her ability to read…and write in non-Farrah-Speak sentences! (The Ashley appreciates Priscilla’s humor here and is quite impressed with her attempt at writing the review in Farrah Speak.)
“Going in to these book I had a doctor-at in Emglish and now since I have finalized this book I struggle with reading a macdonalds Menu or the weather My roommate never lets the weather cast play in our shared apartment space but I let it go and move on bc I am such a strong people who has been through enough and i have really grown from just wearing what ever no matter what the weather is out side you have to learn to dance in the rain if you ever want to smile in an igloo.”
Reader “Kaylee” was obviously not skilled in deciphering “Farrah Speak” that was likely written while the Backdoor Teen Mom was on the crapper:
“It’s so pitiful, I don’t know where to start but I’ll try. She ‘wrote’ this on her phone. It’s written like shorthand notes taken in line at a café or sitting on the toilet. Totally jumbled thoughts and words, that no one can fully decipher. Saying you’re an author, does not mean you are one. I could say I’m an astronaut, but that doesn’t mean I am one.”
Reader “Catelyn” (no, not that “Catelynn”) suggested that maybe Farrah was trying to communicate in some sort of secret code:
“The word salad is very stressful to read…the writer doesn’t even know the definition of some of the words that she used. I think she actually made up a few words also. It’s almost like a toddler made-up language…that only your sibling and you understand.”
Reader “Carissa” actually loved this “book”…which makes her review the funniest of all:
“Farrah Abraham can handle and overcome adversity,” she wrote.
The reviewer has a passion for run-on sentences, just like Farrah…and uses “right” instead of “write,” just like Farrah. In the review,
Farrah um… “Carissa” commends Farrah for writing a much better book than any of her ‘Teen Mom’ cast mates.
“I am so proud of Farrah she includes equality, diversity, and learning experiences no other person could describe or her celebrity cast members never took the time to right in their books these real life points that are very important right now!!!”
A look inside the book shows us this absolute massacre of the English language by Farrah. In this extra-long sentence, Farrah basically congratulates herself for being so great, despite all of the horrible people who tried to ruin her “dream twenties”…or something.
(As always, The Ashley did not edit the text below, in order to preserve its “Farrahocity.”)
“I give thanks to not only the curious, the strong, consent cultured and supportive as that has not been the only thing to help my advocacy for social justice, passion for life, love of God, and my spiritual journey thrive but also the negative influences, mentally ill, deceitful hypocrites, liars, those basically diseased with hate, abusers, unprofessional no-boundaries coworkers, sexists, wrongful firing boss’s, discriminators, politically segregated and those who assault and hurt people mentally and physically.”
If you’re feeling truly masochistic and want to read more examples of “Farrah Speak,” click here! Or, you can use The Ashley’s Amazon Associates link below to order Farrah’s book!
(Photos: Getty Images; MTV; Amazon; YouTube; Instagram)