Welcome back to Teen Mom OG, where the uteri work overtime, but the show’s stars well…don’t.
It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley has had time to check in with our posse of poor-decision-making non-teen moms, so let’s see what’s new!
We kick things off with Maci, who is attempting to go to the gas station. Luckily, Javi and Kail aren’t in the background going to the boneyard in the WaWa parking lot, so Macican concentrate on the task at hand. She is still trying to get over the trauma of being involved in The Great Gas Station Shootout last year, so her and Taylor are heading to the scene of the crime so that Maci can see that she can fill her tank without getting filled with bullet holes.
Maci stares down the gas pump, knowing that she must conquer her fear of it. (If I drove that beast of a vehicle that Maci drives, I’d fear the gas pump too. It probably costs her a few hours worth of complaining about Ryan on-camera to fill that thing!)
It takes her a while to build up her nerve, but finally she ends up successfully filling her tank, and then jumps back into the car.
Maci is proud of herself for conquering her fear…and for doing it on-camera so that she finally had a storyline that didn’t have anything to do with Ryan and/or Bentley’s personal issues.
Next we check in with Cheyenne. She and Cory are preparing to celebrate Ryder’s birthday, so we can only assume the fam has ordered some helicopters to drop pink glitter over the backyard, and maybe a pony to carry Ryder into her party. (If this happens, can it be Farrah‘s horse Starburst? I miss the ol’ gal!)
Cory does his best to act excited about his daughter’s big day, but with the next season of The Challenge coming up, his mind is clearly elsewhere.
While Ryder is happy to give her mom lots of input about her birthday party, Cheyenne can’t help but to focus on her sister and Cory and the fact that they’re “departing” soon, which she worries Ryder will struggle with.
On the day of Ryder’s party, Cheyenne reminds viewers (again) how important it is for Ryder to enjoy herself since her dad will soon be
going away for work going away to lose another reality show.
A few days later, Ryder tells Cory she’s going to miss him while he’s away filming ‘The Challenge.’ Cory reminds Ryder they will be able to video chat while he’s away, and Ryder says she’s down, but only if she’s allowed to play with her Barbies at the same time.
Before saying his goodbyes, Cory sits down with Zach to thank him for being there for Cheyenne and Ryder while he’s gone, but not before Zach takes a moment to cement his spot in Cory’s good graces… just in case Cory does (ever) happen to win a final.
Next, we head over to Indiana, where Amber reminds us, yet again, that she is taking classes at Purdue University (in case you didn’t realize that from her Purdue sweatshirt and the fact that Amber’s house looks like the University Gift Shop exploded in her living room.)
Amber is still upset that Leah BooBoo refuses to talk to her. She’s tried just about everything to convince Leah BooBoo to like her again– from crying, to reminding the kid that she went to GEL for her. Still, that Leah BooBoo’s holding strong in her grudge against Ambie.
Amber decides to call in Producer Larry so they can brainstorm on how to win back Leah BooBoo’s affections. Larry walks into Amber’s house and is downright impressed that she actually cleaned the kitchen and lit a candle and everything. (Anyone wanna bet that the Purdue online store was having a sale on candles?)
Amber goes on to tell Producer Larry that it’s been a couple of months since she’s spoken to Leah BooBoo, because the kid ignores her texts. Amber is upset that she no longer co-parents successfully with Gary and Kristina. (Of course, she fails to mention that the main reason for this is because she threw on her rantin’ kimono and called Kristina a lying, homewrecking ho-bag on The ‘Gram.)
She says things between her and the Shirleys “became weird”…for some reason.
She claims Leah BooBoo “turned on” her, and that she must be being brainwashed by Gary and that dern Kristina.
“This is not her!” Amber says. “She does NOT ignore me like this!”
Amber is absolutely convinced that Gary and Kristina are making Leah hate her. (You know, because there’s no way that you absolutely blasting the only woman who’s ever actually taken care of her could possibly be the reason Leah BooBoo wants nothing to do with you, Ambie.)
Amber wails that, even if she apologizes, it will never be enough for Leah.
“Even if I take responsibility for every single wrongdoings I’ve ever done,” she says. (This is, by the way, something Amber has never actually done…)
Amber tells Producer Larry that she’s written a letter to Leah BooBoo to try to convince her to be her friend again. Producer Larry, knowing that the ratings are sinking faster than Jenelle‘s house on The Land, suggests Amber do a video letter for Leah instead, since that will be more interesting for viewers to watch. (It’ll be kind of like those 1980s video dating services, except instead of trying to get soulmates, you’re trying to get your kid to forgive you for all the trashbag things you’ve done to her since she was born.)
Amber agrees to read the letter on-camera. She is planning to send it to Gary, since she suspects Leah BooBoo may have blocked her. Amber starts to cry because she’s apologized and no one is forgiving her this time.
Finally we head over to Florida. Catelynn and Tyler have taken their kids there for a family visit. Ty is all hopped up on the Special K therapy, so sitting on a plane for hours with two toddlers and Catelynn didn’t even seem that bad. (He didn’t even need to take a Therapy Horse!)
Catelynn’s grandma (who is named Deb, of course) arrives to pick up Catelynn, the kids and Tyler (and his glowsticks). Debz (Not) OG tells Cate that she’s fine to watch Nova and Vaeda but she’s nervous to watch Vaeda, because she’s a kicker.
The gang arrives at the grandparents’ house and soon, plates are breaking and hearing aids are being shattered by kids’ screams. Granny Deb looks around in bewilderment, and asks Cate
why the hell she’s having another kid when she’s due to give birth.
They corral the kiddies into the pool, because they figure the rugrats can do much less damage if they’re submerged in water.
Later, Cate suggests that she and Ty go visit Mackenzie and Josh, who live in Florida. Catelynn calls Mack to see if they can meet up for breakfast.
Mack is thrilled that one of the “OG” Mean Girls wants to finally include her in something, since Cate, Maci and Amber have been leaving her out for literally years. They agree to go to brunch, but Mack warns Cate that she may have to take Broncs (and his loose bowels) with them because he keeps getting booted from school for hitting teachers and whatnot.
Back in Tennessee, Maci and her litter are playing in the Dick’s Sporting Goods store that is their basement. (Of course it had to be “Dick’s,” since that’s essentially what got Maci this gig on ‘Teen Mom.’)
Maci and Taylor are preparing to speak with Maverick’s teacher to see if he’s ready to go to kindergarten. They talk about how he has problems writing and speaking.
Geez, if Maci’s not bitching about Ryan, she’s an absolute snoozefest, isn’t she? Who could have imagined that we’d someday be longing for the episode where she pissed herself while running!
Later, we are literally sitting here watching Maci and Taylor sit there and stare at the phone.
They finally call up the teacher to find out what the plan is.
Since I know you guys are all at the edge of your seats, I’ll go ahead and tell you— spoiler alert— the teacher says the kid can go to kindergarten. Maci and Taylor are relieved, and the teacher promises them that the schools are “well” in Tennessee, and Mav will learn all the crap in kindergarten that Maci and Taylor should have been teaching him at home in between their trips to the beer fridge.
Back in Indiana, Amber has been working hard on her letter to Leah BooBoo. She tells us that she’s having the ‘Teen Mom’ film crew “help her record” the video on her phone. (Um…ol’ Ambie didn’t need any MTV assistance to record a video of her screaming on The Instagram about what a big ol’ slut Kristina is, did she?)
Amber texts Gary to inform him that she will soon be sending her personal video diary for LeahBooBoo to watch. Amber mentions that “whoever else” can watch it as well.
Kristina does not look amused. She knows that she is the “whoever else” here and doesn’t look surprised that Ambie can’t even mention her name or apologize to her for what she did, like a “rill woman” should do.
Gary, knowing that he has to at least remain connected to Ambie in some way in order to keep his place on this dumpster fire of a show, agrees to show the video to Leah BooBoo if Leah wants to watch it.
Kristina asks Gary if they should be worried that Ambie’s mystery video could have offensive content in it, given “all the negativity going on.”
Gary, bless his ding-dang heart, hits back with a zinger.
“If it were something negative, she’d be posting it online,” he deadpans.
(I don’t care what anyone else says; after Butch, Gary is my favorite Teen Momer!)
We are then treated to a short clip of one of Amber’s many rants aimed at Kristina. In this clip, Ambie reminds us that Kristina snatched GarBear away from her, while she was rotting away in “gel,” and essentially wrecked the dream Amber had of returning to living in a trash-filled apartment with Gary and Leah.
Gary brings up the fact that, each time Amber has ranted on Instagram, Leah has seen the videos, as her friends show her the clips. We know that Amber has finally pissed Gary off, because Gary tells us that he no longer wants anything to do with her, her Instagram rantings and her assorted couch-dwelling hijinks.
At Gary’s farmhouse, Gary sits Leah BooBoo down and informs her that her mom sent over a video for her. Leah BooBoo is not amused, and seems to be doing everything she can to refrain from rolling her eyes on camera. Gary is rattling on about all the different viewing options Leah has, and she’s already sooo over it and just cuts him off and is like, “Um, can we just watch it together?”
She clearly wants to get this whole charade over with as quickly as possible.
“Just stay here, make it easy,” Leah says.
(She clearly knows that there’s nothing Amber is going to say in that video that is going to make up for all the time Ambie lost with her kid while she was poppin’ Fentys in drug court, or poppin’ her soulmates for disrespecting her or whatnot.)
Leah is over it before they even start the damn video. She looks like she even wants to laugh as a crying Amber pops up on the screen. As soon as Amber squawks out, “To my beautiful daughter,” Leah looks like she’d rather eat one of her father’s sweaty T-shirts than listen to any more of this nonsense.
Amber is breaking down, begging for Leah’s forgiveness and this kid is STONE.FACED. LeahBooBoo is not moved by Ambie’s video diary whatsoever. In fact, she seems absolutely annoyed that her mom made her sit through this whole thing. Kristina, however, does seem to feel for Amber. (I’ll say it again– this woman is an absolute SAINT.)
Leah seems even more angry when Amber vows to never stop trying to get Leah to like her again.
The video ends, and Leah looks at Gary like, “Can we be done now? You got the scene you needed.”
Leah tells Gary that the video did nothing to change her opinion of her mom.
“I’m sure we have good memories but I couldn’t tell if they were high or if that was fake,” Leah said. (Wait…did she just accuse Ambie of being HIGH! HIGH!?)
Leah mentions that she did see the videos of Amber ranting about Kristina being a homewrecking wh0rebag, and that she can’t forgive Amber for saying mean things about the woman who has raised her for most of her life.
She then calls her “Amber” instead of “mom.”
“Amber said bad stuff about Kristina!” Leah said.
Gary, bless his heart, is trying to get Leah BooBoo to consider forgiving Ambo for all the bad things she’s done.
“But I love Kristina and she tried to hurt somebody that I love!” Leah protests. “I can’t love somebody that tries to hurt other people.”
Gary says that, maybe Amber can promise not to trash Kristina via Instagram, but Leah’s like, “Um, yeah, no that’s not gonna be enough.”
Gary offers to let Amber know why Leah’s not talking to her, but Leah basically turns into The Godfather and tells him, “No. No one tells her anything.”
Leah BooBoo did not come to play y’all!
She tells Gary she doesn’t want to fix her relationship with “Amber,” no matter how many videos Amber creates for MTV cameras.
“I don’t need that,” Leah says flatly.
Finally, we head back to Florida, where Catelynn, Tyler, Mackenzie and Josh are all meeting up for brunch. The first thing they talk about is how disappointed Cate and Tyler are that they’re having yet another girl.
I think that’s nice…
Next it’s on to more heartwarming topics, such as how both couples have gone through separations in the past. Cate mentions that their separation didn’t work out well because Tyler couldn’t stay away.
Mackenzie points out that the couples have a lot in common. In addition to their somewhat trainwrecky marriages, both couples were high school sweethearts who had an Oopsie Baby at 16.
Tyler goes on to tell Mack and Josh all about his new Special K therapy. For the first time in the conversation, Josh actually perks up and looks like he woke up out of the coma he was in.
Next, Mackenzie tells the gang that their youngest son, Bronchial, can’t stop hitting his teacher on the butt. They all laugh about how wacky kids are, but Josh soon asks the waiter for a plastic cup.
Tyler looks around, and thinks that maybe Josh is going to propose some sort of a toast or something. But…no…
“I just need to spit!” he announces.
Ty looks like he’s worried Josh’s expelled saliva might land on his designer tee, but he does his best to keep his cool.
Soon, the brunch has to end because kids are falling off couches and stuff. They all joke that they can’t wait until their offspring are 18 so their fecal matter is no longer their problem.
Later, Cate and Ty are back home in Michigan, and talking crap on Josh and Mack’s relationship. Tyler mentions that they seemed like they were “barely friends” and “disconnected” from each other. Tyler says he feels bad for Josh because he obviously wants to talk more but doesn’t feel like he can. (I think honestly he just wants to spit and sit in silence.)
That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom OG!’ Check out The Ashley’s other ‘Teen Mom OG’ recaps here!