First of all, The Ashley would like to apologize for not recapping last week’s episode of Teen Mom OG. To punish herself for slacking off, she will force herself to listen to Farrah Abraham‘s musical masterpiece of a song, “Blowin’” on repeat until the next episode of this show airs.
Anyway, this week, we’ve got two moms knocked up, one mom trying to get help so her kids don’t end up on Cops, and one mom trying to make amends with those who she has wronged.
Oh…and Maci’s cleaning her garage. (But, you know, she doesn’t need Ryan to give her a storyline or anything!)
Let’s get started!
This week, we kick things off in Florida with Big Mack and her feral pack! Both Mackenzie and Josh have actual jobs. Like, they actually have to be somewhere at a certain time and perform a certain task. They’re not selling like polyester bell bottoms or T-shirts or weird coloring books of their wedding photos or anything. Like, they have actual jobs.
I honestly thought it was illegal for anyone on ‘OG’ to work. Who knew!?
Anyway, Mack is teaching gym classes and Josh is spending his days chewin’ tobaccy at the construction site. Since Mackenzie’s can teach her “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” classes any time of day or night, she’s been tasked with taking care of the youngins while Josh is at work. Taking care of three feral children is no easy task, so Mack calls up Parenting Counselor Jenny.
Mack starts explaining that the youngins listen to Josh when he grumbles loudly, but they totally disregard her when she tries to discipline them.
Jenny offers to put on her wading pants (in case Bronchial has another garage crap in him) and come on over to help Mack control her litter.
Later, Mackenzie explains to Josh that she has enlisted the help of the parenting counselor.
Josh regales us with tales from his childhood. He remembers fondly the days he spent as a pipsqueak, running from his Daddy and his belt. (Um…?)
“But I needed it!” he says.
“We got three healthy kids,” Josh says. “They just need a lil’ tune-up!”
We next check in with Catelynn and Tyler in Michigan at the Octagon of Triggers. Cate— fresh of her “Itsyoursexlife.org” talk with her little brother Nick— feels like the kids in her life are all growing up too fast. Nova tells her that she’s not really looking forward to having yet another baby bellowing through the Octagon but, hey, she kind of knew it was coming as soon as she saw Cate starting to piss into Tupperwares.
Tyler and Cate talk about how Nova— who has made it clear that she doesn’t even want another baby to enter the Octagon— would feel watching Baby Sister No. 600 fly out of Catelynn’s hoo-ha. Tyler suggests that Nova may have a heart attack, so Cate’s just like, “Then let’s do it!”
Later, Cate and Ty go lounge by their pool and discuss how Nova is totally ready to watch her sister being born, since she watches Animal Kingdom all the time and watches “giraffes s**t kids out all the time.”
AS YOU DO.
Catelynn remembers that Maci forced Bentley to watch her birth Oopsie Baby No. 3, so she decides to give Maci a ring and talk to her about the experience. She FaceTimes her and asks if Bentley enjoyed watching a living being being crapped out of his mom’s baby box.
Then, they move on to more nausea-inducing topics, such as making their husbands get the Ye Olde “Snip Snip.” Maci says Taylor is pretending to want more kids so that Maci doesn’t make him get the chop. Cate says he’s being a baby since they have to do hard stuff with their bodies to have kids.
Next we head on over to California. Cheyenne’s new co-star due in eight weeks, so Zach is focused on putting a ring on Cheyenne’s finger– unless last week’s skydiving adventure convinces MTV to give him a last minute spot on The Challenge first.
Zach tells Cheyenne’s stepdad he’s decided to get into real estate because unlike Cheyenne’s other baby daddy Cory, he only has one gig on MTV and needs a way to contribute financially to the 63 parties a year his future wife will undoubtedly throw.
While Zach “studies,” Cheyenne’s friends come over so they can all talk and laugh about how clueless Zach is going to be when baby Ace arrives.
I think that’s nice…
Cheyenne says Zach has no idea what he’s in for, so her friends suggest they set up a fatherhood obstacle course to humble him.
Seriously, how do these people have so much time on their hands!? Between party planning, ordering helicopters and obstacle course arranging, their “Extraness” is a full time job.
The next day, Cheyenne’s posse return to help host The Daddy Olympics, aka Zach’s Audition for ‘The Challenge: Clueless Baby Daddy Edition.”
After stressing the importance of never dropping your baby, the girls go on to have Zach make bottles and play video games while holding a fake baby Ace.
Zach goes on to change a diaper– blindfolded, as all parents do– and choke down jars of baby food. He struggles to get through the latter, ultimately dropping the baby, not unlike the ball producers dropped when they decided to make this Cheyenne’s entire story this episode.
Just when we think this show is scraping the bottom of the barrel with Cheyenne’s “Daddy Olympics,” here comes Maci with a “let’s clean the garage” storyline.
This is rough. Like…Friday night at the McKinney home and only a six-pack of beer left in the fridge rough.
Anyway, over in Tennessee, Taylor tells Maci he’d rather play golf than declutter their furniture-filled garage, which Maci, for some reason, is surprised to hear.
The next day, Maci ends up taking on the garage-cleaning task without Taylor. With Bentley and the Oopsie Babies seemingly MIA this episode, Maci forces her friend Ashley to come over and help her, mainly so she has someone to bitch to and go fetch her beers.
Ashley asks Maci why they’re stuck cleaning her garage instead of Taylor, and Maci says Taylor’s excuse is that he’s always too busy. Maci says Taylor isn’t busy, he’s just golfing. Still, she admits things could be way worse.
Later on, Maci tells Taylor about her conversation with Cate, specifically the part about Tyler getting a vasectomy soon. Taylor physically cringes at the thought of getting the “snippy snip”– as Maci puts it– but Maci insists it needs to happen. Maci seems like she’s ready to go grab a machete and slice the damn thing herself.
Speaking of machetes, let’s check in with Amber!
Our resident ‘Teen Mom OG’ couch queen is trying to make things right with Gary and Kristina after calling them hoebag slut homewrecker wh0res and whatnot over on The Instagram. Amber suggests the three of them get together for dinner to make peace, and shockingly, Gary agrees to go, provided that Amber agrees to “keep it all positive.”
And Amber has the [unsnipped] balls to actually GET OFFENDED by that.
Once she’s off the phone, Amber is asked by producers why she believes Gary was so insistent on keeping things “positive.” According to Amber, Gary isn’t good with “changes” and still thinks of Amber the way she used to be and not as the standup person she
is claiming to be this week now.
Back in Florida, things are going as normal: Bronx Tale is cussing in front of his teachers (as you do), and the kids are totally disregarding Mackenzie’s authority. Mack calls her sister up and explains to her that she called the knock-off Supernanny because she wants the kids to respect her. Right now, she counts a day as a win if no one ends up in a coffin, emergency room or jail.
I think that’s nice…
The next day, Parenting Coordinator Jenny arrives at the McKee household (without a helmet…she will regret that…). She is not there one minute before Bronchitis is mauling a stuffed animal in his mouth and the girl youngin is just screaming “Mommy!” over and over again. It’s like something out of a horror movie.
Soon, it’s time to go pick up Gannon at the bus stop. The entire motley crew walks down there and Mack tells Parenting Counselor Jenny that the girl youngin is being held back in school and will have to repeat first grade. Mackenzie doesn’t seem bothered by the fact that the kid is being held back, though.
As soon as they get home, Gannon bolts out the door, ditches his phone and takes off on his bike. (I see her learned that from his Daddy.) The girl youngin is refusing to do her homework and Broncosaurus is nowhere to be found, but he’s surely eating dirt out in the front yard or burning a neighbor’s house down or something.
She sends the girl youngin to go give Gannon his phone and he calls Mack and basically tells her to take her Parenting Counselor experiment and shove it. Mackenzie starts freaking out, realizing this will all be on-camera. The producer’s like, “Um…this isn’t new, this is your life.”
Back in Michigan, Catelynn is disappointed when she’s told that Nova isn’t allowed to be in the room when she’s giving birth to the new baby. They decide that it’s better to just let Nova FaceTime them, rather than have her in there when the afterbirth is flying around and Tyler’s writing poetry about newborns and whatnot.
Nova’s fine with it, and begins to ask Ty and Cate questions about how babies come out of the mothers. Catelynn— ever the eloquent wordsmith— tells the poor kid that her baby chute is so broken in by having four kids that it’s “gonna be like a waterslide” this time around.
Nova (and the entire viewing audience) is horrified.
Over in Indiana, Gary tells Kristina about the upcoming dinner he’s roped them both into, adding that he’s not sure what Amber is expecting, aside from the two of them picking up the check.
Kristina— this absolute saint of a woman— agrees to go eat with Amber, despite the fact that Ambie called her all of those names, accused her of horrible things and refused to actually apologize to her for it.
An absolute saint…
Gary and Kristina agree that just because they want to move forward with Amber, it doesn’t mean Leah feels the same, and that Amber will have to fix that one on her own. Still, Gary says it’s important for the three of them to get along to hopefully get to a point where both Amber and James can come around more and spend time with Leah.
When the day of the forgive and forget feast arrives, Gary and Kristina are inside the restaurant waiting for Amber, who for some reason, can’t show up on time despite having little to no responsibilities at home. Poor Gary has to even get a snack to hold him off until Amber arrives… he jokes that she’s an hour late…but I’m not even sure if he’s joking.
Um…was the online Purdue gift shop having a sale on college logo headscarves or something?! What could possibly be more important than showing up on time to make amends with these two people who should never talk to you again?!
Eager to make up for Amber’s tardiness, Gary gets right down to business throwing the word “positivity” around and talking about apologies and moving forward.
Gary tells Amber he wants Leah and James to have a relationship and Amber says it was great seeing them together recently “even though there was an elephant in the room.”
Amber begins talking about her Wednesdays with James and how it’s convenient to hang out with the Shirleys because she’s already in the area, but Gary interjects to let Amber know he doesn’t want to “put a schedule on anything yet.” Gary goes on to give Amber a pep talk she doesn’t deserve, assuring her that he and Kristina are always on her side, even when she’s publicly trashing them and embarrassing herself on social media.
“You know me, I’ve got the mouth!” Amber chuckles.
“And thumbs too!” Gary offers. “Texting!”
He then looks like he’s immediately sorry he said it and is nervously laughing (and most likely trying to frantically put on a cup over his gym shorts.) Luckily, though, Amber takes it as a joke.
“I mean, I do got those thumbs! I got the mouth too!” she says.
(Gary breathes a sigh of relief once he realizes they aren’t all going to end up on the evening news.)
Kristina– the one who was wronged the most in this whole couch heap of crap, remains silent throughout the whole conversation, even as Amber tells her that “they’re all doing OK now.”
Amber– who lacks both motivation to leave her couch and any trace of self-awareness– tells Gary she’s made peace with how Leah feels about her at the moment, as she’s felt the same way about her own mom in the past.
Later on, Gary tells Kristina he’s happy dinner went well and even happier Amber didn’t go full-on rill woman on him or anyone else in the restaurant. He then mentions again the importance of Leah and James having a relationship.
Amber, meanwhile, tells Producer David that the dinner went OK, except for the fact that “Gary wasn’t even that nice.”
Ummm…UMMMM!? You told millions of people that his wife is a great big ol’ hoebag. I think he gets to be a little short with you for a while, Ambie.
But Amber– a rill woman, through and through— is getting saucy.
“I need him to understand some things!” she says.
Amber— sitting in front of an Einstein doll and a doll of some sort of Beatle (?)— says calling Gary and Kristina awful liars and Kristina a wh0re bag is just a “bump in the road.” She starts rattling on about “hills” and “mountains” and poor Producer David has to sit there and act like he knows what in the Sam Hell she’s yakking about.
Amber then says that she’s accepted that Leah BooBoo doesn’t like her right now.
“I didn’t choose not one f**king man over my daughter!” Amber insists. “And anyone who says that, they don’t know s**t!”
That’s all for this episode of ‘Teen Mom OG!’ To read The Ashley’s recaps of previous episodes, click here!