Well, it’s been two weeks since the willing participants from Teen Mom OG and Teen Mom 2 packed their bags and headed to sunny San Diego in an attempt to learn about themselves, all while attempting to slap the BeJesus and butt implants out of each other.
When we last saw this crew, Ashley was arguing (while taking twerk breaks, as you do), while crew members restrained a fired-up Jade and simultaneously questioned their decision to work on this trash heap of a spin-off.
After the moms disperse and return to their respective corners, Life Coach Cheyenne, (not to be confused with Just-Had-A-Newborn-But-Still-Went-On-This-Trashy-Trip Cheyenne of “Teen Mom OG’) attempts to get control of the situation.
The gals call Life Coach Cheyenne “Coach B,” so we’ll go with it. (Also probably making an appearance during this ‘Reunion?’ “Plan B.”)
Coach B pulls Ashley aside to commend her for twerking while also taking accountability for her past wrongdoings against Jade. Meanwhile, Not-Life-Coach-Cheyenne and Briana do their best to calm Jade down by telling her how much she’s embarrassing herself.
Jade hears absolutely none of what the other moms are telling her and instead, shouts above their heads to call Ashley a “skinny b*tch,” while Ashley threatens to bring “the smoke.”
While a blanket-cape-wearing Ashley continues lunging and screaming at an equally angry Jade, Executive Producer Larry is forced to intervene in the mess he orchestrated.
Yes, kids, poor hapless Larry is back from the Porta-Potties of Farrah’s driveway, once again trying to make a television show of bad decisions, bad tempers and bad plastic surgery. God bless the Baby Jesus God Leah for Larry!
He reminds Jade that they are supposed to be on this show to create bonds, have therapy and whatnot.
The next morning, the girls reminisce on that cluster f**k of a mixer, as Jade’s friend Chau deals with a serious case of FOMO, since she was not invited. (Apparently the mixer was only for the lead trashheaps, and the supporting trashheaps weren’t allowed? I have no clue.)
This feeling is only intensified when Jade tells Chau that she threatened to drag Ashley across the concrete the previous night. Jade does, however, say that she’s ready to move forward. (We’re assuming Jade’s feelings will change after she watches this episode and hears Ashley accuse Jade of being “on the same drugs as her mother.”)
During breakfast, Amber tells Cheyenne and Maci she feels like it’s her duty to keep the other girls–- aka Jade and Ashley-– from getting physical because she’s dealing with consequences of similar actions as someone whose been to
jel prison and is currently on probation.
She wants to help keep the younger girls out of that “Jolly Rancher jel hair gel and prison sweats” life.
I think that’s nice…
Elsewhere at the resort, and on a completely unrelated and random note, Brittany tells the group she doesn’t “f**k with eggs” because she looks at them as “chicken periods” and she “ain’t trying to eat no unfertilized egg.”
After a scrumptious breakfast of “chicken periods” and morning meds, “Maci” (aka the producers who came up with this lame idea) rounds up the group for a kayak activity where everyone will pair up and work on communication, trust, controlling their emotions, and most importantly, trying not to drown each other.
Because “Maci” has organized this team-building event, she’s in charge or putting everyone into pairs… and because Larry probably promised her a well-stocked mini-fridge full of Bud Lights in her hotel room if she complied, she pairs Jade and Ashley together.
In what is quite possibly the most anticlimactic thing to occur on this spinoff, the teams take off in the lake, with one partner blindfolded and paddling aimlessly while the other shouts directions from behind. During this event, we learn that most of these moms not only lack kayaking skills, but also don’t know the difference between right and left.
Sadly, no one goes “Portwood” on anyone with the kayak paddles. This is disappointing.
Briana and Cheyenne end up winning the event. Special mention goes to Amber and Leah, who come in last place after running into a dock. Also, shout out to the completely pointless blindfold Amber was sporting during this event, as she’s yet to fully open her eyes since her arrival.
After the moms make their way back to shore, Amber rounds up the B-squad so they can have their turn along with Maci, who warns everyone she’s super-competitive and refuses to lose. Unfortunately for Gary, he’s along for the ride… literally.
Later that night, Coach B gathers all of the moms together for another activity. Before they begin, she singles out Jade for her blowup the night before. Jade goes on to apologize for her behavior, but away from the group, Ashley says she thinks Jade’s apology is “whack-a**” and “generic” and doesn’t appreciate that it wasn’t aimed at her specifically, being that she was the one whom Jade tried to fight.
Still, Ashley pretends everything is fine, and allows Coach B to continue with the next
whack a** and generic team-building exercise.
Instead of screaming random words into the air, the moms are tasked this time with going around the room and stating something positive about themselves.
As the exercise continues and the moms take their turns, Maci eventually stands and tells the group she’s a good mom. When Coach B asks “who else can relate to being a good mom,” everyone but Amber stands up.
Amber is either finally taking accountability for her crappy mothering, or has found a new couch to glue her rill woman butt to and is not giving it up.
Amber goes on to tell the group that she feels like her anger has taken over her life in the past and sometimes she doesn’t even feel like a mom at all.
WHOA. Amber has just taken accountability for her actions. What’s next? Gary doing sit-ups in the corner and Maci drinking a Sprite?! I feel like we’re in some sort of Bizarro world.
Amber says she is trying to make changes through “intervention classes and anger management classes.”
The other moms share the ways in which they relate to Amber’s struggle– sans the whole “jel” sitch– and they encourage her to stand with the rest of them.
Later on, Briana, Gary and Maci– the throuple we never saw coming– head out for their victory meal. During the island picnic, Maci and Briana tell Gary about last night’s exercise with Coach B and Amber’s parental pity-party of one. Gary talks with the two of them about the possibility of Leah and Amber going to therapy together, as well as the importance of Leah still having a close bond with her brother, James.
Before wrapping up and heading back to join the group, Briana tells Gary how adorable his daughters are, and Gary thanks her while giving us all the mental image we never asked for.
Back at the hotel, Briana is feeling refreshed and renewed, so she decides to clear the air with Ashley, being that she is the one who started the chaos at the mixer with her whole “f**k the fakeness” comment. Briana sits down with Ashley and they both agree that they have no issues with one another, but that it would be beneficial for Ashley to talk with Jade to squash everything once and for all.
Right on cue, Jade wanders up on the patio and explains to Ashley that she felt like she wasn’t taking accountability for her actions. As for Ashley, she says Jade just “needed her moment.”
That’s all for this week’s episode!
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