Sew your tenders some Christmas PJs and prepare to deck out your wetbars with holiday cheer– it’s time for a very special Christmas episode of Sister Wives!   

This episode kicks off in Parowan, where Meri is having brunch with her ever-present BFF Jenn at a restaurant cluttered with more random decor than Kody and Robyn’s Mountain Mansion. 

Amid the multiple collectable figurines and “LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE” signs, Meri tells Jenn than Janelle and Kody’s son Logan recently reached out to ask her for her famous candy cane recipe. She explains that long before the Brown family blowup, the kids in her family enjoyed certain holiday traditions, including her homemade candy canes, which she would allow the kids to help with. Meri is happy to hear that at least one person in her family has been jonesing for her holiday treats, even if nearly all of the other Brown family traditions have fallen by the wayside. 

Also fallen by the wayside? Kody’s concern for Coyote Pass. Meri says that, while she and Janelle have been communicating with each other about the status of the wretched property, Kody has been dragging his feet, so the group has yet to sort out the whole title-parcel predicament.

(WHO WILL GET THE LAND IN THE TREES!?) 

Meri also reveals that she’s pissed off that Christine didn’t talk to her and Janelle before she signed over her portion of the Coyote Pass property to the enemies, Kody and Robyn, after she and Kody split. 

After listening to Meri vent about the Coyote Pass property, Jenn asks her BFF how many more examples Kody has to provide before Meri finally realizes “that he’s an ass.”

Jenn argues that Meri should stop playing nice with her former spouse, to which Meri agrees, yet proceeds to give Kody another six weeks to remedy the title situation before she confronts him. Meri also admits that she’s still tapping into her “nice girl era” because she doesn’t want to be a “bitch” to Kody, despite Jenn very much encouraging her to do just that.  

Jenn jokes that Meri needs “bitch lessons,” which she offers to begin right there at the Clutter Cafe by having Meri repeat empowering phrases like, “you do not control me” and “comb you’re f**king hair.” 

Later on, Meri tells viewers that she’s heading to New York City to handle some “business” and she’s bringing her trusty sidekick Jenn along for the trip because… I mean, who else is she going to film with at this point?  Though Meri’s trip is (supposedly) work-related, she notes that NYC is full of single men, one of whom may be the wetbar-loving man of her dreams (who doesn’t mind leave the Big Apple to go live in a creepy haunted Utah B&B).

If nothing else, she can snag some decent street meat (no, not that kind, ya sickos!) and take a photo with a sketchy knockoff Elmo in Times Square.  

After arriving in the city, Meri and Jenn ultimately decide to hit up a Christmas market, followed by a visit to weird Christmas “Wonderlandville” experience. This tourist trap is basically like a fever dream you have after drinking too much eggnog and falling asleep to the Muppet Christmas Special.

Basically, we’re forced to watch two grown ass women clod-hop through a ballpit while making jokes about “balls.” 

It’s Cringle Claus x 10, y’all. 

As Meri and Jenn bask in the holiday merriment, Jenn tells viewers that when she first met Meri, she didn’t realize how little Meri had traveled and how sheltered her life had been when she was Kody’s fourth-favorite wife.

As Meri and Jenn’s ballpit adventure begins to wind down, Meri explains that Jenn was her “only support system” from Las Vegas onward. While Christine admits that her own relationship with Meri deteriorated along the way, she says she’s “really glad” that Meri had– and continues to have– Jenn in her life. 

Next we head to North Carolina, where Maddie and Caleb are hosting a “pre-holiday” celebration for her mom Janelle, as well as some of Kody’s rejected kids who don’t qualify as “tenders.”

Joining Maddie, Caleb, Janelle and Savanah for this partial-family get together are Mykelti, Tony and Paedon– all of whom recently moved to the state– as well as Christine, David and Truely, who’ve just arrived from Utah.  

David decides to get the holiday merriment REALLY going by announcing to the kitchen that he thinks Janelle needs to create a profile on the Farmers Only dating app and nab herself a man with a tractor and a set of six-pack abs. 

Janelle says she has no interest in connecting virtually with an overall-wearing outdoorsman, nor does she see herself dating at all at the moment. The mom of six also tells David that because Kody was…well, Kody, she has it in her mind that ALL romantic relationships will be that hard. 

Christine assures Janelle that relationships don’t have to be “dramatic and hard,” using her marriage to David as an example. She explains that The Curled One was very specific about certain things, including his diet and his “grooming” and that while some guys– like her sons-in-law Caleb and Mitch– are “super, super simple,” other men– like Kody– are far-less easy going. 

Later on, the family heads outside to throw (more) decorations on the farm tree in Maddie’s front yard and viewers are regaled with more Brown family traditions of yesteryear, as well as the new ones that the family is trying to start. Back in the house, Janelle and Christine’s grandkids decorate cookies and we hear all about Robyn’s cookie-decorating tradition, as well as Meri’s candy cane and homemade holiday pajama traditions. (We find out that, despite Meri— and her PJ-making capabilities— high-tailing it out of life with Kody, Robyn has continued the Christmas PJ tradition for the “tenders.”)

Christine says that during the first holiday season after she left Kody, many of her kids asked her if certain family traditions would continue, to which she informed them they wouldn’t; however, after realizing how much these things meant to her kids, Christine said she agreed to do some of the traditions going forward.   

Unfortunately, Christine has also decided to usher in a new tradition of having her family sing Christmas carols in the living room, despite Janelle being very much opposed to the idea. 

Next we head to Flagstaff, where Kody and Robyn are already well on their way to filling their new Mountain Mansion to full capacity with fugly furniture, Amazon boxes and random art. 

Despite her infamously massive doll collection also lurking somewhere on the premises, Robyn lies tells viewers that the bulk of the Brown family clutter belongs to Kody from his years of cohabitating with multiple wives.

Sure, Jan.

Now that he’s a monogamist, Kody is left with an abundance of flannel shirts, work gloves and visors, all of which he’s apparently storing in one of the two (yes, TWO) garages at the new Mountain Mansion, along with a drum set that we hope to never have to hear this man play on this show. 

While Kody and Robyn sort through hundreds of storage containers, their 22-year-old daughter Aurora nervously shuffles her way into the garage to awkwardly announce that Brody, the man she’s been dating, has officially asked her to be his girlfriend. 

When Aurora asks her parents what they think about this news, Kody– who has met Brody “a few times”– says Brody seems like “a good guy.” Naturally, Kody doesn’t stop his comments there and proceeds to ask Aurora if Brody looks at her the way Kody looks at Robyn.

Aurora confidently tells her dad that from their first date, Brody has looked at her with complete adoration and so far, he’s meeting all of her soulmate checkpoints– including having a name eerily similar to that of her dad. 

Later on, Aurora invites her new man to the Brown family’s Mountain Mansion to assist in some holiday decorating and to make his official ‘Sister Wives’ debut. When Brody finally arrives, Aurora greets him with a “hi, handsome,” before the rest of the family begin to crowd around him– a stark reminder to viewers that Kody, Robyn and The Chosen Five have been severely devoid of human contact in recent years. 

Kody explains to viewers that Brody is a REAL cowboy (in case the hat didn’t make that obvious enough) who wears cowboy boots, listens to country music and has a small ranch. Kody’s totally fan-girling over his daughter’s new beau. (It’s giving “Caleb” vibes…IYKYK.)

Kody claims that, despite the (alleged?) “cliche” about cowboys, he knows he can trust Brody with Aurora. 

The visibly awkward couple head to the game room with Kody, Robyn and the Tenders to decorate the world’s smallest Christmas trees while Kody saddles up next to Brody and prepares to embarrass himself as only Kody could do. The cringe-fest begins when Kody asks Brody to borrow his pocketknife, only to be told that Brody doesn’t have one on him because he gave his to Aurora for “protection.” 

Kody uses the mention of knives to segue into a strange conversation about it being Brody’s responsibility to look out for Aurora when Kody isn’t around.

Isn’t it great to see a father so protective of his daughter? Aurora is just a little girl, not an adult, and needs her overbearing dad to be involved in her relationship.

Oh…wait.

Well, we know Kody is always there for his young daughters!

Oh…wait.

While Brody agrees with Kody’s statement, Kody adds that Brody must also protect Aurora from himself, before eventually admitting that he doesn’t want his kids “fooling around” before marriage. He also argues that when a man is dating a woman, he’s “kissing another man’s wife,” which he claims is the reason he “believes in chastity.”   

Aurora tells viewers she’s very much aware that her dad is not-so-subtly talking about chastity, though she claims Brody is blissfully unaware of that fact. We just wish we could say the same.  

That’s all for this episode! 

Click here to read last week’s ‘Sister Wives’ recap!  

RELATED STORY: Kody Brown Shares His Thoughts on “Fooling Around” After Meeting 23-Year-Old Daughter Aurora’s Boyfriend: “You’re Kissing Another Man’s Wife!” 

(Photos: TLC)