The day has come: one of the Sister Wives kids is about to get hitched!
This is the extra-special episode we’ve all been waiting for: it’s finally Kody’s wedding day! Oops— we meant Maddie’s wedding day. It’s easy to get confused because Kody often acts like a bridezilla and has been trying his best to make all of these wedding prep episodes all about him.
The episode starts off with a little back story about how Maddie and her husband-to-be, Caleb, met. Caleb’s sister was married to Maddie’s uncle (Kody’s brother), who passed away several years ago. Janelle tells us that Maddie and Caleb first got the hots for each other at the funeral…as you do.
“When Kody’s brother passed away, Caleb was at that funeral. I remember watching Caleb and Maddie and thinking there’s something there,” Janelle said. “It was very noticeable.”
Yes, because what better place than a (joint) relative’s funeral to find the love of your life?
“Caleb and I met in the ICU when my uncle passed away about three years ago,” Maddie says.
This is literally the worst love story I’ve ever heard…
“After my uncle passed away I would go see my aunt (his sister) and Caleb and I became pretty good friends in that process.”
Tale as old as time…..
Meanwhile, Kody is freaking out because he is charged with writing Maddie and Caleb’s vows and he can’t decide what he wants them to say.
Alright, we’ve got to stop it here. Why in the hell would anyone let this man do something as important as write their wedding vows? How much cash did TLC have to pay Maddie to allow Kody to take on this task? Let’s hope she asked for a sizable amount to allow Kody the court jester to take center stage at her wedding.
Kody can’t decide what he wants to say (because, well, he’s not so much for reading and writin’, you know…) so he’s decided that he’s just going to wing it. What could go wrong?
“Madison and Caleb either don’t care or they have a high level of trust because they’ve put this in my hands,” Kody says.
Trust, bribe money…same, same…
Kody decides he’s going to talk about how Madison had failure to thrive as an infant and how she had to have an emergency appendectomy during her teen years. I mean, nothing says romance like malnourished infants and hospitalized teenagers, am I right!?
Non-Jewish Kody reminds us that he had a bar mitzvah for Logan (?) which gives him the idea that he should “knight” Caleb during the ceremony. He tells us he’s going to knight Caleb because he’s marrying Kody’s princess. Vomit. Let’s be honest: Kody has so many daughters that he’d probably have trouble picking Maddie out of a lineup.
Kody and the wives keep telling us repeatedly how different this wedding is from theirs. The ladies tell us how small and awful their wedding days were. (This is with the exception of Robyn, who had the TLC-paid-for affair, and Janelle, who couldn’t care less and probably refers to her wedding day as “Dark Sunday.”) The women tell us that they didn’t get to walk down an aisle, or have too many guests at their weddings.
Maddie decides she’s going to put Meri in charge of wedding planning. (I guess she thinks she needs to give her something to do so she’ll stop talking to random men on Twitter.) Apparently, Meri is good at organizing things and, since there are no coffee cans that need spray painting, she has some free time. It’s a good fit.
Kody doesn’t miss an opportunity to throw shade as his legal spiritual wife. He jokes that Meri is a bigger Bridezilla than Maddie and continues to call her “Zilla” while the other wives give him dirty looks.
It’s finally the day of the wedding and all the Browns are running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
Caleb arrives and decided to play a “joke” on Maddie. He tells his stressed-out bride-to-be that he forgot his pants. Maddie starts freaking out at the thought of having to marry a pants-less groom, but luckily Caleb is just kidding. HE HAS HIS PANTS! Thank the Baby Jesus!
Meri is stomping around the venue, dressed in a vest. (In the words of Regina George, “That vest was disgusting.”) She’s attempting to wrangle all of her amped-up family members and get them to act like normal people for at least an hour or two.
Meanwhile, Kody is reconsidering his idea of “winging” the ceremony vows. Someone—probably sensible Janelle—probably threatened to strangle him with his own hair if he decided to just get up at the altar and start spouting unplanned nonsense. He sits down with his best friend (who is randomly married to Meri’s sister, naturally), to try to figure out what the hell to say.
As he’s writing, he spouts some very Kod-able quotes.
“When you’re writing your own daughter’s vows…it makes you realize…your daughter is getting married,” he says.
Oh Kody, never change…
Caleb is trying his best to stay a safe distance from Kody (who, at this point, is approaching creepy levels of obsession with his new son-in-law).
He’s forced to go near Kody when it’s time for the mens’ pictures. It’s been a couple of minutes since Kody has ruined something (other than his wives’ lives, of course), so he decides to spoil the surprise that Maddie and Caleb had been planning for Caleb’s brothers.
The couple had purchased a “groom’s cake” that is shaped like an elk and filled with red cake and filling. (Apparently no wedding day is complete without a simulated bleeding animal…)
Caleb’s brothers, who are hunters, had no idea about the elk cake, and he was looking forward to surprising them at the reception with it. Of course, though, Kody can’t keep his big ol’ trap shut and tells everyone.
It’s now 30 minutes before the wedding, and Kody still doesn’t have the vows set in stone.
“I’m having to pass the baton of love for my daughter from me to another man,” he tells us.
Nope…nothing weird about that statement at all!
Kody finally sees Maddie in her dress and says, “You are stunning. Don’t be embarrassed if I stare.”
Janelle comes out and she and Kody marvel at the sight of their daughter in her wedding gown. Kody gets emotional, and is even so happy that he tosses a rare compliment Janelle’s way. He tells her that she looks more beautiful than the bride (which is strange since Maddie is standing right there.) Janelle looks uncomfortable and contorts her face in a way that it looks like she’s being made to swallow lemon juice.
The wedding starts and luckily, Caleb’s dad is the one to do the whole knighting of Caleb thing. It sounds like a cheesy idea, but the way Caleb’s father does it is actually really sweet and perfect. It’s a great moment, and you can tell that both Caleb and Maddie are moved by his father’s speech.
Then it’s time for Kody to completely ruin the moment…
He starts his speech off with a joke. (And, yes, it turns out to be as bad of an idea as you’d expect.)
“Caleb? Do you feel lucky? Do you? Punk?” he asks.
[Awkward laughs from the crowd]
“Caleb your father has just knighted you and now I’m going to make you the king,” Kody adds.
Why does Kody have to take a sweet moment and turn it into something weird?
Kody somehow seems to make the entire wedding service about himself. He tells the weird stories about Maddie’s explosive appendix and whatnot, and throws in a few mentions of how many times he’s been married and finally pronounces Maddie and Caleb husband and wife.
There’s only one problem, though: Kody forgot to have them exchange rings, which is basically the most important part of the wedding ceremony.
Maddie looks horrified, but tries to keep her cool, telling the crowd that, “It’s OK, we’ll just do it later.” She looks kind of heartbroken though. She ends up having to place her new husband’s wedding ring on his finger while crammed into a corner. Caleb stuffs the ring on Maddie’s finger unceremoniously and they head to the reception.
At the reception, Maddie’s two biological parents, Janelle and Kody, must make speeches. (Meri was probably bummed that she wasn’t able to get up and regale the crowd with tales of her catfishing catastrophe again.)
Janelle gets emotional, which is unusual for her. Her speech is kind of perfect though. She tells Maddie and Caleb that they will probably eventually hate each other…and everyone around them. (I’m sure Meri was nodding enthusiastically in agreement as she listened to Janelle’s speech.)
We end the episode with Caleb telling us it’s not every day that someone finds their soulmate. Well, we can’t all fall in love with semi-relatives at family funerals, guy!
Next time, we go back to beating the dead horse that is Meri’s catfishing scandal. Unless TLC can suddenly produce a Meri and the catfisher sex tape, we are tired of this storyline!
Meri decides she’s going on a trip to meet a woman who “has been in the same situation” as her. We also learn that Mariah is going to have some big life-changing news to drop on the parents. (Perhaps she’s decided to stop making fun of her mom’s eyebrows on camera?)
Until next week…
To read our previous ‘Sister Wives’ recaps, click here!