Farrah Abraham delivered a heap of quality “Farrah Speak” during an interview on The Jenny McCarthy Show on Monday. Farrah didn’t hold back when Jenny McCarthy asked for her thoughts on everything from the new stars of Teen Mom OG, to her mom Debra “Debz OG” Danielsen and, of course, that pesky little positive drug test she received during her recent appearance on Face the Truth.
Naturally, Farrah answered the majority of the questions in “Farrah Speak.” Since The Ashley is a certified “Farrah Speak” translating expert, she has decided to use her word-salad-deciphering skills to help you understand some of Farrah’s answers!
Below are some of Farrah’s answers, as well as The Ashley’s translations of what the hell the ‘Backdoor Teen Mom’ is trying to say.
On why she tested positive for barbiturates on ‘Face the Truth’:
Farrah: “I literally did call my doctor because during my training [for her November boxing match] I’m not allowed to have any of that in my system. If something is in my vitamins, or my drink supplements or something like that, I have to know about that. I’m high energy! I can’t be relaxed when I’m doing all my workouts so I was very confused.
“So basically that was a faulty test… it’s like, I’m a mom. I do very much know what I’m having. It was like a pee test. I said that I was on my period but they took that as ‘hey, she must take a muscle relaxer or something.’ It’s like they took advantage of information. I take nothing for anything. In real life, there’s nothing in my system.”
The Ashley’s “Farrah Speak” Translation: Farrah says she’s worried that she’s been taking multi-vitamins that are laden with heavy-duty muscle relaxers all this time and never knew! (Damn you, Centrum!) She is also nervous that those creepy weight loss supplement teas she hawks on Instagram may have been the cause of the positive drug test. (Damn you, FitTea!)
Obviously, since Farrah is never wrong, it was the test that was wrong. Once the show’s hosts found out that Farrah was on “the rag,” they used that info to their advantage because, in the Brain of Farrah, menstruating can make a woman test positive for barbiturates.
On Bristol Palin denying Farrah’s claims that Bristol is trying to be like her:
Farrah: “That’s OK. I really like being like myself. I’m very proud of myself. I hope that she and her children equally have a good situation… but that’s like ‘white girl interrupted.’ She moved to the same city as me, kind of does the same things as me. I don’t know what that is, but that’s a little scary!
[Jenny says that Farrah probably means the movie ‘Single White Female,’ not ‘White Girl Interrupted.’]
“Either one! I don’t want any crazy stuff or people copying me or living where I live.”
The Ashley’s “Farrah Speak” Translation: Even though Bristol says she doesn’t want to be anything like Farrah, she should want to be like Farrah because, according to Farrah, Farrah is amazing. Because Bristol happened to move to Austin, Texas, that’s an obvious sign that she not only wants to be like Farrah but actually BE Farrah. Clearly, all of the women in Austin, Texas, moved there to give themselves that extra “Farr-ocity!”
On why she’s a wonderful mother to her daughter Sophia:
Farrah: “I never exploit my child…I know what I’m doing and to value my daughter’s safety and for her own lifestyles and passions and careers.
“All of the kids, and friends in her age group, are all doing the challenges, the Musicallys, all these fun apps. Also, my daughter’s an influencer on some of these apps so if it’s all safe and it’s all fun, I don’t see the need of someone attacking me.”
The Ashley’s “Farrah Speak” Translation: Sophia loves to do things like film her mom getting butt injections, as any child would. It’s fine that Sophia dances suggestively to words with very adult lyrics on lip-syncing apps because ALL kids do that. I mean, what nine-year-old hasn’t twerked in leather pants on a music video app, right? Plus, I’m making big bucks by having Sophia put this crap on her social media.
On why she doesn’t speak to the other ‘Teen Mom OG’ girls anymore:
Farrah: “Sadly, because of all their jealousy and animosity or something, I have just turned my cheek and kept moving on. Running forward is the best thing to do from ‘Teen Mom.’ I wish them all well with all their new kids and pregnancies.”
The Ashley’s “Farrah Speak” Translation: Amber, Catelynn and Maci want to be like Farrah, but they can’t, so that’s why they don’t talk to Farrah. Because of this, Farrah is going to throw some subtle shade at the fact that they keep having “unexpected” pregnancies and she doesn’t.
On why Bristol and Cheyenne’s ‘Teen Mom OG’ casting is “inappropriate:”
Farrah: “I would say it’s not appropriate, for both Bristol and…the other woman who has joined. I would say it’s inappropriate because, when you’ve been watching a show, and you know what it’s about, and have been hovering around for so long, I don’t think that’s authentic to what the show’s about.
“I feel like Cheyenne and this other person [Cory Wharton], who was on MTV, definitely collaborated, had a child and knew there was a space open and could be on ‘Teen Mom.’ Bristol, she’s been around. She’s been to public speaking engagements with Maci and I. I really feel like they’re in the same category as those women who were chosen not to be on the show because they were ‘Teen Mom’ fans.
“That’s the reason that I say what I say. It’s kind of a sad case.”
The Ashley’s “Farrah Speak” Translation: Farrah pretends that she doesn’t know the names of the girls who took her place on ‘Teen Mom OG’ because it makes her sound more important. They shouldn’t be on the show because obviously ‘Teen Mom’ fans tune in to see Farrah.
Cheyenne and Cory obviously conspired to get Cheyenne knocked up because they so desperately wanted a spot on a trainwreck reality show that they were willing to bring a HUMAN into the world to get it. Also, Bristol is obsessed with Farrah, as Farrah already told you, so she shouldn’t be on the show.
On the current state of her relationship with her mom Debra “Debz OG” Danielsen:
Farrah: “I am definitely speaking with my mom. She’s actually going to be at the fight November 10 in Atlantic City. If there’s anyone who can show me love, and if there’s anyone who can make me upset, it’s my mom. I’m happy that she’s there because if I get all worn out, she can pump me back up again.”
The Ashley’s “Farrah Speak” Translation: Farrah will bring her mom to Atlantic City in case she needs someone to yell at before her fight.
Watch the video below to listen to some of Farrah’s interview on The Jenny McCarthy Show!
(Photos: John Lamparski/Getty Images; Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images; Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images; Michael Buckner; Getty Images; ANGELA WEISS/AFP/Getty Images; CBS)