The New ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Cast….The Ashley Breaks It Down!

Photo taken far enough away as to not show all of the wrinkles on these has-been celebrities. (Except Bristol and Kyle, of course!)

Monday night Bachelor Pad-watchers (holla!) were treated to the announcement of the new cast of Dancing With the Stars. (I guess ABC execs figure that the same group of idiots watching the Bachelor Pad is the same group of idiots that will watch half-stars cha-cha, so it was a good fit.)

There were no shockers, as reports had been leaking for weeks as to which ‘celebrities’ were in talks to be on the show. In fact, the entire announcement was a complete yawn-fest: no shockers, nobody remotely interesting, (except for one, which I will get into in one minute) and nobody worth watching.

In case you haven’t seen it yet, here’s the new DWTS cast:

Audrina Patridge:  If you were never a watcher of MTV’s The Hills then you’re probably wondering who this person is. If that’s the case, congratulations for not watching that horrific show. This chick was on that show. She is filling the ‘hot chick’ slot previously filled by Shannon Elizabeth, Brooke Burke and Nicole Scherzinger and despite the fact that she has super-creepy eyes.

"I've been preparing for this since before you were born, bitches!"

Florence  Henderson: Yes, Carol Brady is back and ready to bring the house down! Although Florence’s character never donned a bright orange fringed vest and sang with the Brady kids on those ‘singing’ episodes of The Brady Bunch(“Clowns never laughed before, beanstalks never grew…”) she is a trained stage performer and will probably hold her on, despite filling the token ‘old lady’ spot. (She did dance often on The Brady Variety Hour, after all. Yes, that actually existed.)

Brandy: ‘Member her? The Ashley was a proud cassette-clutching fan of Brandy back in the mid-1990s. Her cassette tape rested happily next to my Monica, Jade (member?!) and Boys II Men tapes. Yeah, she hasn’t done much since then, and surely her appearing on this show is an attempt to have the public forget about her lil’ driving mishap back in 2006.  Brandy fills the ‘has-been R& B singer’ hole formerly filled by Mya and Toni Braxton.

Margaret Cho: She’s actually pretty funny, but she will probably get annoying with her proclamations of “I’m fat and proud of it!” Margaret joins as the token ‘big girl’ (a la Kelly Osbourne pre-dance and Macy Gray).

Jennifer Gray: You know, the chick from “Dirty Dancing?” (I’ve still never seen that movie!) The one who got the nose job and then couldn’t get work because nobody recognized her? Here she is, filling the forgotten-about actress role in the cast (Hello, Melissa Joan Hart!)

Bristol FREAKING Palin: Seriously, ABC? Seriously?! This was the best you could find? A girl who got pregnant at 16 who never actually did anything to become famous? Why why why is she on this show? Sarah Palin? That’s fine, but Bristol? That’s like asking for Michael Jackson and getting Tito.

Now for the men….

“The Situation”: Oh god, why? Matching Bristol Palin’s uselessness is this wad of douche from Jersey Shore. Surely, he will be encouraged to fist pump during the Foxtrot. I can’t wait to watch Florence Henderson knock him upside the head when he tells her she’s a ‘grenade.’ (i.e. bad-looking chick.)

Kyle Massey: You probably have no idea who this is, but apparently he’s the big shit over on the Disney channel. He fills the “You’re-too-old-to-know-who-this-kid-is” niche formerly filled by Disney’s Sabrina Bryan.

Michael Bolton: Where…is…his….mullet?!? I was so disappointed to see his long curly poodle mullet of the past was no more. It’s so not even worth watching him dance now. I was so looking forward to watching his curly locks blow in the wind as he spun around during the Viennese Waltz.

Kurt Warner: I have no idea who this guy is because all I do is watch crappy reality shows and don’t have time for sports. However, my football-obsessed sis was super excited to hear he was on this show, so I’m guessing he’s a football player. He will be the token athlete, a la Emmit Smith, Evander Holyfield, blah blah blah. They have one every season to try to connive some men into watching this crap.

Rick Fox: This basketball player-turned-actor will be this season’s ‘minority athlete.’ Kristy Yamaguchi, Apollo Ono and Warren Sapp have all held this prestigious role on the show. Yawn.

…and now, for the most wonderful news this crappy show could possibly deliver….the final man is…

Aww...look how cute he is. I loved Mitch!

David Hasselhoff!!!!!!!

Now as you may remember, The Ashley has a strange obsession with The Hoff. I chased him all over the TV Land Awards just so I could meet him. I’ve been obsessed with him since I was about 9 years old. (I’m not joking or saying this because it’s cool to like The Hoff now.) I actually own David Hasselhoff memorabilia (I was the only 6th grader with a Mitch from Baywatch beach towel!) Having him on the show actually means that I will once again include this crapfest of a show on The Roundup!

Welcome back to The Roundup, Dancing With the Stars! If The Hoff makes it to the end, ABC better beef up their security at the finale because I’m getting in!!!!


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