‘Bachelor Pad’ Episode 5 Recap: No One Gets Any Lovin’

The numbers in front represent the couple's combined IQ.

It got all kinds of creepy on this week’s episode of Bachelor Pad. We pick up right where we left off last week, with the gang coming back in the mansion after sending William and Maniac Melissa home. Once back inside, Chris Harrison tells the Gonorrhea Gang that from here on out, they will be paired up as couples and will be sent home as couples.

That news freaks Holly out, as she has both Michael and Blake staring at her and salivating like a hungry dog stares at fresh meat. (Or Erica stares at a Botox needle.)

Unfortunately for Blake, Holly’s already made a promise to Michael to be his partner (only in the game, not in life). Since everyone is already coupled up, he gets stuck with the only partner-less player: Erica. She’s pleased to be Blake’s partner because she intends to jump his bones, but Blake looks like he’d like to throw himself in the fireplace. Not only is he stuck staring at Erica’s fish lips and listening to her creepy robotic monotone voice, but he also won’t be able to have sexy time with Holly.

The couples go off to learn more about one another and are asking each other important questions (such as ‘what’s the most STDs you’ve got in one night?’ and ‘what would you do if you had to get a real job’, etc.) This prepares them for the next day’s challenge, which is entitled “The NearlyWed Game,” obviously a shot at Michael and Holly’s ill-fated alter trip. The couples will answer questions about themselves and their partner will try to match those answers.

Hey Michelle, what do you call Graham's man piece?

Vienna and Kasey are, of course, super confident that they will be victorious because (in case you haven’t heard) they are in loooove and have been together for a while now. The first question asks how many dates it will take for the girl to have sex.  Vienna provides the hilarious answer of “22 dates.” We all know that’s bullcrap because 1) we know she tried to bone Jake after only a few dates during ‘The Bachelor’ and 2) no man would put up with her crap for 22 dates. They literally can not get one answer right. I love this.

The question of “who would you like to sleep with in the house?” comes up and Michael thinks his partner Holly will naturally say she wants to sleep with him. Unfortunately, she answers that she wants to sleep with Blake. Michael is crushed. It seriously looks like Holly just shot him in the pecker with a slingshot.

This pretty much sums up the whole Mike/Holly thing pretty well.

The group then is asked who they hate most in the house and everyone says Blake. Blake? Seriously? Have you people not met Kasey and Vienna? Geez Louise.

Grant and Michelle end up winning everything, because they are the only ones smart enough to rig the competition. They’ve actually planned out their answers, rather than just shooting them out of their asses like the rest of these knuckleheads, therefore they are safe from elimination and get to go on a romantical one-on-one date.

For coming in second place, Blake and Erica will not be safe, but they also get to have a date. Blake looks like he wishes he had his dentist’s drill with him so he could ram it into his skull.

Grant and Michelle get their date card and Vienna is mad because she says she hates to lose. Um…you’d think she’d be used to it by now, being that she’s lost every single challenge. In fact, the only thing she ever won was Jake the Bachelor. (Well, besides a West Palm Beach wet t-shirt contest.) Not really much to write home about…

Anyway, Grant and Michelle’s ride arrives to take them on their date (a heli, naturally). They head to a downtown LA hotel rooftop that has a hot tub (naturally). They get to see a screening of a crappy rom-com movie starring the girl from Scary Movie. It looks almost as bad a ‘Bachelor Pad.’ I’ll probably see it. Maybe even twice. They make out it the pool.

A sexually frustrated Kasey...I'll give you a moment to puke...

Back at the house, all is calm until Kasey and Vienna burst into the kitchen to argue about the fact that Vienna doesn’t want to have sex with Kasey. (Things like that should always be brought out into the common areas so everyone can enjoy.) Vienna claims Kasey ripped the promise ring off her finger after she said no lovin’ and Kasey says he might as well go home. He also throws a zinger at her and informs us of all the ‘Bachelor’ alum men that Vienna has ‘spread ’em’ for over the years: Wes, David Good, Jake, etc….

In the end, they must have agreed to do the nasty because we viewers are subjected to creepy black and white footage of them getting down in their bed. I believe I hear Vienna tell Kasey, “let’s just get this over with” right before they do it. I feel the same way about Vienna’s 15 minutes of fame. And watching this crappy show.

Later, Blake and Erica receive their date card and Blake appears to be dreading spending alone time with Erica. Erica, however, is excited, as she plans to jump his bones and make him forget about Holly. She is planning to seduce the good doctor with (hold your lunches) sexy lingerie. (It’s actually just a very large pair of pink lace grandma panties, but to each their own…)

"Oh Sweet Jesus, don't bring out the sexy lingerie!"

They head to the Mission Inn and during dinner, Erica starts to slither her arm around Blake’s neck and rub his legs. Blake looks like he’d rather be on that date with any other person on earth as Erica brings it on strong. I give him credit for not vomiting.

She tells him that if he was a good partner, he would do what she asked and have sex with her. No, really, she said that. I can’t make this crap up.  Blake blames his lack of interest in Erica on being nervous. I blame it on her face. She’s desperately trying to get him to stay the night with her, but he keeps refusing. At this point I think he’d rather go to bed with his own grandmother than Erica.  They eventually head back to the house, with Erica still feeling sexually frustrated.

It’s rose ceremony time, and since Blake and Erica have given their safety roses to Kasey and Vienna (?!) to try to ensure their safety, Blake and Erica are hopeful that Kasey will keep his word and not have them voted out. As expected, he does not and the dentist and the blow up doll are sent packing. Ho-hum.

Next week: the season finale! What will I do without this crap to entertain me on Monday nights?

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