‘Teen Mom 2’ Episode 1: Trick-or-Treating Your Mom Like Crap

Not Scary................................ Scary

The Ashley has suffered through a long few months of being without the Teen Mom franchise to entertain her. However, MTV has once again given us the gift of teenage hi-jinks and listening to the infamous creepy accent of the fabulous Barbara Evan, which can mean only one thing: Teen Mom 2 is back, bitches! This is totally an early Christmas gift for The Ashley, who is pretty pathetic and lives for this crap.

When we last saw the girls, each of their lives was pretty much in turmoil (which is exactly how MTV likes it!) Kail was fighting with Jo, Chelsea was fighting with Adam and Jenelle was fighting with…well, everybody. Leah and Corey had just said “I do” and were looking forward to starting a life together.

Now that you’re all caught up, The Ashley will once again take you into the Teen Pregdom and see what wacky shenanigans these girls have gotten themselves into.

We start off with Jenelle, which makes sense since she’s pretty much the one everyone tunes in to see (although the mystery behind the Leah/Corey divorce could possibly shift interest from Jenelle to Leah this season). After a quick recap of her MTV life (which, thank the Baby Jesus included her mom’s classic “High! High! Ya’ both high!” line from last season) we see that Jenelle has paid her mother back all the money she stole from her to go on her Jersey Joyride with Kieffer last season.

It’s here that we get out first glimpse of the Kieff-ster and thankfully he’s just as sporty and swoon-worthy as he was last season (probably because he’s still wearing the same clothes). With his imitation Ray-Ban sunglasses (which were more than likely stolen from a gas station mini mart) and his dirty white t-shirt, he really is every woman’s fantasy. Hands off, gals, he’s Jenelle’s. After all, she did bail him out of jail.

What's that creeping in the bushes?!

Jenelle has to hide her romance with Kieffer from Barbara, who doesn’t want Jenelle having anything to do with him. Jenelle tells her mom that she wants to get her life back on track and spend more time with Jace. (Wait, who’s Jace again? Oh, right, the kid. ‘Member when this show was actually about the kids? Yeah, me neither.)

Barb’s skeptical that Jenelle has changed, but relents and lets her take Jace to the park. Mother and son are having a great time frolicking in the park when all of a sudden, we spy something creeping behind the bushes. It’s big, it’s dirty, it’s covered in BandAids and it looks hungry…yes, kids, it’s Kieffer! Jenelle’s trip to the park with Jace is really just a cover so she can get in some sexy-time with Kieffer. They discuss their plan to remain “secret lovers” and keep their bad romance from Barb.

Next, we head to West Virginia to check in with Leah. I’m pleased to see that Leah has decided to keep her blond wedding hair and has ditched the crinkly chola ‘do she has sported in seasons past. (Girls, just say no to spray gel. Always.) She looks fantastic and is now kind of way too hot for Corey. (You know you were thinking the same thing!)

Teen Mom 2
"Give it to me straight- are you ever gonna lose that hat?"

Anyway, Leah’s getting tired of being a housewife and wants to get a job. Corey’s not thrilled at the idea of Leah being out in public where other potential beaus could flirt with her and sweep her off her feet. Leah assures him that she will stay clear of any redneck creeps that approach her for the sex while she is working. Corey’s being kind of ridiculous…why would Leah leave him? Where else is she going to find someone with such a kick ass camo hat?

Next we catch up with Kail, who seems to be getting along so much better with baby-daddy Jo than she was at the Season 1 reunion. She’s also still dating Jordan. They head to the park with Baby Isaac. (Luckily there aren’t any Creepy Kieffers loitering around at this park.)

Apparently, it’s almost Halloween in ‘Teen Mom 2’-ville. At this point, the average viewer is probably thinking that since Halloween was only a month or so ago, this episode is actually pretty current. Um…no. It was filmed during Halloween 2010! Apparently, it takes MTV over a year to film and [poorly] edit one of these things. WTF? I could train a monkey to edit this crap if you gave me a year.

Finally, we meet back up with Chelsea, who tells us that she’s finally over Adam (um, yeah, we’ve heard that before) and that she is working on her GED (yeah, heard that too). She must be on the Amber Portwood Education Plan.

Randomly, Adam decides he wants to bang Chelsea see Aubree and that makes Chelsea scared. She says she’s not sure how she feels about seeing him, which we all know is a total lie. She totally wants to jump his bones, it’s as plain as the wig on her head (yeah, I’m convinced she’s wearing a wig in some of the scenes. They did a pretty piss-poor job of editing this episode, as Chelsea has blond hair in some scenes and brown in others. They even tried to cover up her blond hair with a hat! Sorry MTV, you can’t fool The Ashley!)

He's quite the stunner, ain't he?

Although she should be studying for her GED, she allows Adam to come over to see Aubree. She’s nervous so she puts on a fifth layer of foundation and teases her hair extra high. Adam has also spiffed up for the occasion: he’s busted out his best backwards trucker hat. It’s obvious that he’s trying to put the moves on Chelsea when he starts talking about “being a family again.” (He goes right for Chelsea’s soft spot with that one!) I have a feeling it won’t be long before Adam, his trucker hat and his moochy ways end up weaseling themselves back into Chelsea’s house. He steals a kiss and gives her his best “sexy face” as he departs. Gag.

Meanwhile, Leah’s out looking for a job. She heads to the Hallmark Store (you know, one of those stores that creepy old ladies buy cat figurines and stuff at) to put in an application. The clerk (who is totally giving Leah and her MTV film crew the stink eye) snorts, “Yeah, we’ll call you” and we sense that Leah’s not getting the job.

A word to the wise, ladies: never wear “sweat” apparel when applying for a job. You don’t have to wear a powersuit but let’s leave the sweatshirt at home. However, I’m not going to rag on Leah too much; at least she’s trying to actually get a non-MTV-related job, unlike some of the other ‘Teen Mom’ franchise girls. <Cough> Amber. <Cough> Maci. <Cough> Chelsea.

Luckily, Leah’s mom calls soon after and informs Leah that a local dentist is looking to hire an office assistant. Leah jumps at the chance and ends up acing the interview and getting hired on the spot. I’m proud of Leah. She is trying to be independent and make her own money…which will come in handy down the road if things don’t work out between her and Corey…hint, hint.

teen mom 2
"What happened to my life? Why did I get married at 12? Why am I wearing this shirt?"

Back in North Carolina, Jenelle’s hanging out with some local delinquents which include her friend Amber and Amber’s husband, who’s really just a lil’ piece ‘o’ heaven. First of all, he looks about 12 and is sporting a bright pink polo and literally sounds like Jethro from ‘The Beverly Hillbillies.’ We need to see more of him.

Jethro (I didn’t catch his real name) cautions Jenelle that she can’t get into any more trouble or she’ll lose Jace for good. He also gives it to her straight about her beloved Kieffer, telling her, “He’s homeless, he doesn’t have a job and he ain’t got no income, ok?” Still, Jenelle ignores what he is saying. When even the local hick in the pink shirt can see this guy’s a crapgoblin, it’s time to wake up and smell the roses, Jenelle.

Later, she gets all prettied up to go meet some “friends” at the Planet Fun. (No, seriously, that’s what it’s called, I didn’t even have to make that up.) What Barb doesn’t know is that Kieffer is the friend that Jenelle is meeting up with at the Planet Fun. Later, Kieffer and Jenelle have a serious talk about their relationship. Even Kieffer’s wondering why the hell she has stayed with him. Jenelle says that she can see he’s changed. (Um, he can’t even change his damn sweatshirt, how the hell is he going to change his life?!)

The next morning, Jenelle is supposed to watch Jace but oversleeps, which pisses Barbara off. She storms into Jenelle’s room (wearing fabulous fleece snowflake PJs!) and tells her that she’s lost babysitting privileges for the day. This pisses Jenelle off, prompting a screaming match that ends with Jenelle saying she hates her mom. Barb leaves with Jace and Jenelle cries in her bed. I actually feel bad for Jenelle until she calls Kieffer immediately after her mom leaves. He’s there to comfort her (and most likely get a snack).

Meanwhile, Kail and Jordan are going trick-or-treating with Isaac. Jordan is legit dressed as a 9-foot baby, bonnet and all! Now we know why Kail didn’t want anyone to know he was going with them. (As creepy as he looked, you’ve got to give a man credit if he’s comfortable enough to wear a giant man bib in public.) However, Jordan’s adult onesie is probably the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

Teen Mom 2
"Holy crap! You mean you actually have to read to pass this test thingy?"

Chelsea heads to a store to look for “books about the G…E..D..” She spends $31 on a giant book, which we all know is pretty much going to end up being used to balance her makeup mirror and will probably never be opened. Later, her mom tells her to stay away from Adam and focus on school. Chelsea considers actually listening to everyone and staying away from Adam…however, we know that’s not going to happen.

I think Chelsea actually has a lot of potential, if she would just stop worrying about this turd and focus on school. And get a job. She seems like a good mom and would probably be a good hair dresser, so what’s the hold up? Get it together, girl.

In the next scene, we see a skeleton hanging from Jenelle’s front porch (Oh my God! Barbara has skinned Jenelle!) Luckily, we learn that it’s actually just a Halloween decoration. Jenelle is going to take Jace trick-or-treating but first has to make a stop to see something really scary: Kieffer!

Jenelle tells him that she’s getting tired of sneaking around. Luckily, Kieffer has a solution. He tells her that they need to “keep stacking cake” (I’m sorry, what?!) and then they’ll be able to put a down payment on an apartment. Um, neither of you people have jobs. Where is all this “cake” coming from?

Later, Jenelle lends Kieffer her car and Barbara ends up seeing them together. She blows up and kicks Jenelle out of the house, tossing her stuff out onto the sidewalk.

teen mom 2
Annnd...she's off! Look at her go!

“I hope ya’ have fun livin’ in the street with ya booooooyfriend!” Barb cackles. She then proceeds to hustle laundry basket after laundry basket of Jenelle’s stuff out the door. She tells her to go live with her scummy boyfriend. (I hope an extra cot opened up at the homeless shelter.)

With that, Jenelle’s left sitting on the curb in front of Barbara’s house with nothing but a laundry basket full of crap and a dream that one day she and Kieffer can be together.

Tune in next week to see if that dream comes true!

19 Responses

  1. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of Teen Mom 2, but I have seen a couple episodes. This article is fantastically written; although I’m not that interested in these girls’ lives, I just could not stop reading! Keep up the fabulous work!

  2. Omg. I luv it!! You tell it exactly how it is! Especially the whole keiffer(douche bag) situation. And for chelsea get over it, Adam is such a piece of work. What a complete leech! At least he knows how to pick em’ since daddy pays for everything. And the whole blonde hair thing and the “up do” wig, how can she not see how awful that looks and she wants to be a cosmotologist. Keep up the good work and keep telling it how it is….I’m a fan!

  3. Umm. I only wish to comment on Leah now being ‘way too hot for Corey’ now that she’s ditched her ‘crinkly chola ‘do’.
    To be very concise: Leah…can’t be too hot for a man that is willing to put up with her infidelity AND support her two children, one of whom has special needs. He married her, stuck by her through their child’s health issues, but in the interim– Leah’s legs opened too easily. Does being too hot for a man equate to her having to ho-out at every chance?? [Girl]. [Bye]!

  4. Crapfer is so gross! He never looks clean. Criminal. What the hell? Jennell has such low self esteem. She could do so much better. I can smell him through the t.v. love your one liners. You should write for MTV haha

  5. Cory is still wearing the WVa camo hat from 3 years ago. He did act immature about Leah getting a job because she might talk. to another “guy”. Barb doesn’t have an accent, she has some type of speech impairment. She can’t say her “r’s”. Remember she said “you can’t be around this guy that is a drinka”

  6. (Um, he can’t even change his damn sweatshirt, how the hell is he going to change his life?!) BEST LINE EVER.

    creep-fer is so gross. lol


  7. Horrible editing kiefer has shorter hair then long… Obviously Janelle and her mom had a fight about kiefer before everything else.

  8. Leah said that she didn’t want to divorced Corey that she wanted to go to couple counselor. But Corey was the one that wanted the divorced to go thought so that’s why they divorced I think Corey wanted to married Leah. But what happen was maybe he realized that he was not over the cheating and lying that he didn’t trusted her. Notice the comment about guys being at her job I think at the end of the day Leah and Corey had alot more trust issues then they realized. And maybe they thought that their love for each other and the twins would work it out but sometime love is not enough to make something work.

    I just adored Chelsea ever since 16 and pregrant but Chelsea is so in love with this whole family thing with Adam that she does not see straight. Adam has and probably always will be a jerk and he knows that Chelsea is in love with him so he plays on her emotions with the whole family idea. Adam is all about Adam I think of him as a man version of Farrah I think Adam loves Aubree but he more in love with himself. The moment Adam no longer as a new girlfriend he goes running back to Chelsea and Aubree. Because he know all he has to do is say sweet things to Chelsea and tell her what she wants to hear and He is back in. With free food and a root over his head I hope Chelsea one day wake up because she does not need to have more of Adam kids. And she need to realize that if Adam was in love with her he would not disrespect her father like that I wish Chelsea would stick up for her father more he does alot for her and Aubree. And the best way to show she is grateful is to kick Adam out of her romantic life and keep it civil when it comes to him seeing Aubree.

    Kailyn at first I dislike her because she was way to whiny and annoying but I now I like her. I hope one day her and Jo can make it work and get back together

    Jenelle I think she has alot of problem but I do think that if maybe her mother was not so negative toward her maybe she will be able to do better. Jenelle is smart she making great grades in college and has a job I just think Jenelle lack self esteem and that why she latch on to losers. Like Jace father and Keiffer they tell Jenelle that they love her and she latch on to anyone that show her love. I think that Jenelle and her mother need to not live together Barabra need to get some counselor too because she does have some angry towards Jenelle. I understand why because she is raising Jace but she need a better way to talk to Jenelle without yelling at her and cursing at her and cuting Jenelle down.

  9. HAHA I love reading your recaps! I’m so glad Teen Mom 2 is back!!!!

    It was nice to see Kieffer still has that ugly green zip-up to.. Yuck. I am kinda looking forward to seeing when Jenelle starts to get things straight, if they show very much of it this summer. When it comes to Barbara.. Oh boy! I laugh out loud everytime she talks and I think of you and how I can’t wait to read your next post about her.

    I personally love Chelsea. I think she is a great mom to Aubree and I can’t wait to see when she passes the GED test. But I will also be the first to admit I want to just slap her when it comes to Adam. We all know she is going to/wants to always see him and get back together. Yea, he’s gunna be in Aubree’s life but I wish she would realize they are not going to work out and he’s a douche.

    Leah. Love her to! I couldn’t believe when the first thing Corey brought up about her getting a job was if there were going to be guys around! What a jerk! I’m proud of Leah still going out and taking that job. The divorce is pretty much what I’m waiting to hear about.

    I’m glad to see Kail and Jo aren’t fighting as much. i’m sure the drama will kick up between them sooner or later though.


  10. I love how Chelsea said she hadn’t heard from Adam for a few months, but all of a sudden he gets back in touch! It couldn’t POSSIBLY be the fact that filming began again? Could it?

    Oh, and how cute was Isaac as a giraffe!

    1. Haha. No joke, I was thinking the same exact thing when that scene came. The first time she starts filming again, and he pretty much disgustingly throws himself at her. He obviously just wants to be on tv so hopefully girls will throw themselves at him (gag).

  11. As always, thank you for recapping! This means I don’t have to waste an hour of my life watching this. Also, I believe your recap is much more entertaining than an entire hour of this show.

  12. hilarious! nice re-cap The Ashley. you forgot to mention how ridiculous it was when Jordan was trying to put that baby costume on, lol! Kail snapped at him about it too! …And the term “cake,” wtf?!?!?! hahahaha it’s all just too good.

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