This week on The Bachelorette, the surviving six men take to Prague to battle it out for Emily‘s heart. Since Emily pussed out and didn’t kick out anybody at last week’s rose ceremony, we’ve still got six guys on our hands: Jef[f], Arie, John (the pink-pants-wearing “wolf”), Chris (the crappy archer) and Sean, the brawny blond. Oh, and Doug, the sobby single dad. I always forget about him, probably because he doesn’t have a shot at winning.
Chris Harrison tells us that there will be three rose-less one-on-one dates and a group date. All the men are foaming at the mouth at the chance to get some alone time with Emily, and aren’t happy when the first one-on-one goes to Arie. Chris, who seems to be getting progressively creepier as the episodes go on, particularly looks like he wants to tar and feather Arie for getting the date.
Emily arrives and she and Arie head out into the streets of Prague. She tells us that she just wants to pretend like they’re a “typical husband and wife vacationing in Prague.” Um…I’ve got news for you, Em. The typical husband and wife don’t get to vacation in Prague. A night away from the kids at the Ramada Inn counts as a vacation for most married couples.
However, we’re in Emily Land, where the budgets are unlimited and the makeup is caked on, so a vacation in Prague it is. Anyway, Emily is getting all Inspector Gadgety on us and is acting very suspicious of Arie all of a sudden. She tells us that she knows a secret about Arie, but he doesn’t know that she knows. (Got all that?)
Of course, we viewers already know the “secret,” since they pretty much ruined it for us in last week’s previews. Apparently, Arie banged one of the show’s producers a few years back and forgot to mention it to Emily. “Somehow” Emily found out and is pissed off that Arie has been lying to her. Since when did omitting become lying?
Anyway, after the commercial break, Chris Harrison steps in to deliver a “very special” message to viewers, explaining what happened between Arie and the producer, Cassie Lambert. Then they wheel out the producer to interview Emily immediately after finding out that they guy she’s been tongue-wrestling for the past seven weeks once got freaky with her friend.
We get to see the real off-camera (but still on camera) discussion between the producer and Emily, and then flash back to Emily and Arie’s date, where Emily is peppering Arie with questions about “trust” and “loyalty.”
Poor Arie is just sinking himself, saying that he doesn’t like having secrets. All of a sudden, he catches on that she knows something, but since he doesn’t know what she knows, he just starts blurting crap out. He tells her, “I have some other chick’s name tattooed on me!” Um…thanks, for playing Arie, but that’s not the answer we’re looking for. Perhaps try, “I had my ying in your producer friend’s yang a few years back.”
Chris Harrison comes back on to explain that Emily, Arie and the producer had a discussion that was “unfortunately off-camera.” So basically, I’m assuming Emily threw a sh*t fit when she found out and the producers didn’t want her to come off looking bitchy so they didn’t air it. Afterwards, all is forgiven and Emily and Arie go back to making out.
In fact, things are going so well that Arie decides to tell Em that he loves her. Emily looks like she would marry him right then and there. (Someone call Neil Lane, stat, so we can get this show over with and get to everyone’s favorite summer trainwreck, Bachelor Pad!)
The next day is Emily’s date with John (aka “Wolf,” which no one has ever called him so I don’t understand why they keep putting it up on the screen). Why do I have a feeling that this date is going to be ridiculously painful to watch? After watching Emily’s date with Arie, we all know that this kid has no hope. I mean, you can only bust out your grandparents’ funeral cards so many times before it stops being effective.
John and Em stroll through the streets, coming across something known as the Lock Wall, in which lovers (and/or people on reality TV shows) write messages on locks and then lock them on a fence to solidify their love. John writes J+E on a lock and tries to put it on the fence but…it doesn’t lock. Um, that’s kind of a sledgehammer of a hint from the man upstairs, if you ask me. Can we just save the poor guy the embarrassment and call the pity limo now?
Later, they head to a dungeon for dinner. They begin to discuss past relationships, and John tells Em that his last relationship ended when his girlfriend went on a three-day sex binge with some doctor. The sad story must have made Emily feel bad for him because she lets him kiss her, even though we all know that she’s actually picturing Arie’s face on John’s body during the kiss.
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives for Doug, Sean and Chris, which means Jef[f] will get the final one-on-one. None of the guys are thrilled to be going on a group date, but Chris looks like he’s literally about to beat poor Jef[f] upside the head with his tennis shoe.
Later that night, Sean pulls an Arie and runs out into the streets of Prague screaming “Emily!” (Seriously? Seriously?) He finds her standing in a dark alley and starts mauling her face with his big ol’ mug. I guess it’s totally allowed now to go pester Emily whenever you feel the need to get a little tongue action. If I were her, I’d make sure the bathroom door was locked when I went to take a shower. Otherwise, Creepy Chris might barge in.
The next day is the group date. I’m going to speed this along because, frankly, this date wasn’t that interesting. They head to a castle where Emily takes Doug aside for some alone time. He apologizes profusely after accidentally brushing her hand with his. He’s as jittery as a virgin on prom night and Emily has had enough. She starts to dump him, and Doug goes in for a last desperate kiss. Oh, God, this is painful.
Luckily, she’s able to use the “I know you miss your son” line to cushion the blow a bit, but Doug is devastated as he’s sent on his way. After Doug is shuttled away, the remaining two guys are given keys, one of which opens a door to a room where he can spend some alone time with Em. The other key doesn’t do anything. Of course, Chris is given the bum key, forcing him to go upstairs and sit alone while Sean makes out with Emily downstairs. He looks like his head is going to literally explode.
He starts pacing around the room, circling around the rose lying on the table. How freaking awesome would it be if Emily and Sean came back and Chris was already wearing the rose?! Unfortunately this doesn’t happen. In fact, she gives the rose to Sean and I can see the steam coming out of Chris’ ears.
The next day is Emily’s one-on-one with Jef[f]. First they head to a creepy puppet store to pick out puppets to take along on their date. After purchasing two puppets that look nothing like them (Emily’s needed way more makeup!) they start to head off when Jef[f] runs back to buy one for Ricky, which is pretty cute.
Next they head to a weird library, where they proceed to act out their entire relationship awkwardly with the puppets. He then uses the puppets to inform Emily that he’s in love with her. The whole thing is very creepy and odd, and kind of reminds of the way therapists use dolls to get kids to tell them where “the creepy man touched them.”
Later, they discuss what will happen if/when Emily goes home to meet Jef[f]’s family. We learn that his parents will not be there as they are committed to “some stuff for a few years.” I’m sorry, what? I smell potential cult members! For this sole reason, I’m hoping she picks Jef[f] for a hometown date. I need to know more about this mysterious “stuff” Jef[f]’s parents are involved in. I hope it’s illegal!
The next night is the cocktail party and Emily ain’t playing. She’s ready to throw down roses right now, and tells Chris Harrison she doesn’t need a cocktail party. After Chris Harrison informs the guys that there will be no chances to speak with Emily before she makes her cut, Creepy Chris gets all bug-eyed and sweaty and starts making odd comments about killing his fellow roommates if he doesn’t get a hometown date. Let’s start filling out the restraining order papers now, shall we?
She hands roses out to Arie and Jef[f] and it’s down to John and Chris. John is quite confident in his chances of staying as he thinks he had a “stellar” date. Chris, however, is twitching like he’s all hopped up on speed. Suddenly he can take it no longer and blurts out that he really needs to speak with Emily.
He takes her outside and apologizes like crazy for…something…I don’t know. After they go back in, it’s pretty much impossible for her to cut him now. Instead, she cuts John, who literally looks like he wants to rip Chris’ face off and beat him with it. If it makes you feel any better, John, you didn’t have a prayer in hell either way.
Next week, we get to meet the families that spawned our remaining four guys! I can hardly wait. I’m totally lying, of course. Just kidding, I love this crap!