‘Bachelor Pad 3’ Episode 5 Recap: Stacking Cups & Selling Out Friends

“What can I say? I suck at being sneaky!”

This week’s episode of Bachelor Pad was a real treat. I’m saying that with only a dash of sarcasm because, no matter how entertaining it is, watching that show is always going to be a waste of two hours. However, this was the first episode of the season that The Ashley actually enjoyed.

The episode starts out with a fight between Ed and Chris. They are basically bickering like 12-year-old girls because each of them felt that the other betrayed them. They get all up in each other’s faces. Basically, if they were chicks, they would be ripping each other’s hair extensions out and calling each other “skanks.”

Anyway, Ed storms out, grumbling, and decides to heave a wine glass to the floor in order to show how angry he is. (I’m sure he thoroughly licked it dry before throwing it; no sense in perfectly good alcohol going to waste when Eddie’s around!)

I love how Chris Harrison is in the background, pretending he actually gives a crap who wins.

The next day, Chris is still feeling sad because Ed lied to him (apparently), so he walks around the house moping, hoping to get attention from the other housemates/camera crews. (He must have learned this trick from Vienna!)

Later, the gang arrives to their challenge, which Chris Harrison explains will be racing across the lawn while balancing plates and cups on trays. (Blew your whole budget on that ice cream challenge, eh, producers?) Blakely is just beside herself with glee, because apparently she’s worked at Hooters since, well, JFK was in office, and has some experience in carrying trays.

Erica, on the other hand, is not thrilled at the idea of doing something that even resembles manual labor, so she decides to take her sweet ass time during the challenge. (Apparently she’s too stupid to realize that she’s only hurting herself by doing that.) She also thinks it’s unfair that the challenge was tailored to Blakely’s strip club waitressing experience. (Yes, I know Hooters isn’t a strip club; however, during Ben’s season she was billed as a “VIP Cocktail Waitress.” Tell me the last time you saw a VIP area at Hooters. I rest my case.)

Anyway, Blakely struggles a bit, and Sarah (aka “Old Miley”) ends up finishing first, but is disqualified for touching a cup. Blakely swoops in and ends up winning the challenge, leaving Sarah devastated.

“This must be what Olympic swimmers feel like,” she tells us.

Um…no. Our Olympic swimmers actually win. And have careers. And goals. You’re just some creepy chick that lost on a really bad reality show.

It must be strange for Ed to be carrying a glass that’s not full of booze.

Anyway, Chris realizes that he’s up Crap Creek because his former partner (and now enemy) Blakely has just won the challenge. Chris knows he has to win in order to save his own butt. Blakely decides to “coach” Tony during the men’s challenge, in hopes that he’ll beat Chris. (And by “coach” I mean run alongside him screaming tips on how to balance coffee cups. Seriously? Seriously? She’s screaming, “Right there—you got it—you got it—you go it—yes!” which I’m sure gave Chris flashbacks to the night he spent doing the horizontal mambo with Blakely in his bed.

Her cheering works and Tony wins the challenge. He and Blakely both receive immunity, as well as the chance to take someone out on a romantical date.

“My best work is done with a pole and a pair of clear plastic heels!”

Sarah and Chris are sulking, but the rest of the house is having quite a hoot over the fact that Chris has completely screwed himself by, well, screwing all the girls in the house. I, too, got a chuckle over it.

Later, Blakely announces that she’ll be taking Tony on her date, so she gives her date (and immunity) to Kalon. Chris looks like he wants to chew his own foot off. Two dates are presented, and Blakely chooses to go on the overnight date, and gives Kalon and Lyndzi the other one.

She has no idea what either date will entail; however, she hopes that (and I quote), “Jet packs will fly us away to a private island.” Yes. Jetpacks are a likely transportation option. I just…can’t….

Anyway, the date given to Kalon and Lyndzi turns out to be pretty awesome. Jewels arrive for Lyndzi to wear, and soon a Bentley pulls up for Kalon to drive. Blakely is horrified that she gave up a chance to go on such a luxurious date. (Do you know how many shifts at Hooters she would have to work in order to afford something like that?!)

Kalon and Lyndzi zoom off in the Bentley, but soon, the GPS takes them to a rather “unsavory” part of Los Angeles. 

They go to a bridge that has been closed off just so they can have a romantical dinner. (I feel bad for the poor schmuck that had to sit in traffic for an extra hour on his way home from work because the bridge he usually takes was closed due to some D-list reality show shooting on it.)

On the date, Kalon professes his love for Lyndzi…even though they’ve literally known each other for like 10 days, all of which have been spent in a house that could qualify as a loony bin with alcohol.

You know you were thinking it too!

Meanwhile, back at said loony bin, Chris has had a stroke of genius and had decided that since he can’t vote his nemesis Kalon out of the house, he will instead vote Lyndzi, the girl he’s banging, out. He’s literally sitting there, staring creepily at his hands as he concocts his plan. He reminds me of Mr. Burns from ‘The Simpsons.’ (“Exxxxcellent…”)

Before he can pull off his brilliant plan, he must first make up with Ed, because he needs his vote. After apologizing, Chris tells Ed his plan to get revenge on Kalon by voting out Lyndzi and Ed seems on board.

It’s time for Blakely’s and Tony’s date. Their date card arrives, and Tony tells her that they will be “seeing stars.” Keep your fingers crossed, Blakely, maybe that jet pack date is actually going to happen!

Unfortunately, there will be no jet packs or glamorous modes of transportation for Blakely and Tony. Instead, a big Jeep arrives to fetch them, and they are less than thrilled. They drive up into the mountains, where they come upon an Airstream trailer, complete with a plastic pink flamingo on the “porch.” Blakely looks crushed. Her dreams of jet packing around Los Angeles have, once again, been foiled. Still, they try to make the best of it. They cook up some dinner (possibly road kill?) and discuss how they’ve both been hurt in their past relationships. Sounds like a party…

Back at the house, Michael is trying to create his own Camp Pickle Tickle with his boo, Rachel. He sets up some pillows and blankets on the front lawn for her and they cuddle. Everything is going great, so why Michael feels the need to bring up Holly, his ex-fiancé who dumped him on last year’s ‘Bachelor Pad’ and ran away with a dentist, is beyond me. New girlfriends love to talk about old girlfriends. Everyone knows that.

Still, Rachel is unfazed. In fact, she’s ready to unzip, or “take the next step in their relationship,” as she puts it.

“I’m like herpes, y’all! I just keep coming back!”

At the campsite, Tony has decided to make things more romantical for Blakely so he goes to turn on the radio in the Jeep so that they find a song to slow dance to. All of a sudden….we hear a familiar song. Is that? Yes…I think it is! “They saaaaaay….love don’t come easy….”

How the hell did Wes manage to weasel himself (and his crappy song) into another episode of this crappy show?!

The next morning, Tony and Blakely return, and the always-classy Sarah asks them point-blank if they boned and Tony essentially tells her yes. (I guess love did come easy for Tony!) He ends up giving his immunity rose to Jaclyn, even after Chris basically begs him to give it to Sarah.

The next night is the rose ceremony, and Chris is still hoping to get Lyndzi booted from the house. Chris Harrison comes in to let everyone know that all of their scheming and scrambling has essentially been for nothing, and that everything is about to change. Everyone will vote out one woman who, in turn, will choose any guy in the house to be eliminated with her. Everyone’s head is spinning. (Hopefully a producer arrived with picture flashcards to explain everything to Erica.)

Michael decides to get everyone to vote out Erica because she’s on the outskirts and will probably take Chris down with her if she gets the boot. As per usual, Erica’s wandering around aimlessly, with no clue what’s going on. Jaclyn tells Erica that Chris is planning to vote for her, which isn’t true, but Erica believes her and storms over to Chris to confront him about it.

“I wonder if I could use my hair extension to strangle Stagliano?”

No one has any clue that it’s actually Michael the Golden Boy who’s behind the shenanigans. Chris has no idea how the rumor got started, but soon a light bulb goes off in his head and he realizes that Michael must be the mastermind.

To prove to Erica that he isn’t voting for her, he allows her to go into the voting booth with him and watch as he votes for Lyndzi. Michael sees this and looks like he wants to crap his pants. I have to hand it to Rat Boy; that was an ingenious move. She soon realizes that it was Michael behind the plan, and vows to take other people down with her if she gets voted out.

It’s time for the vote, and Chris reveals that Erica has indeed been voted out. She lets everyone know that she will be taking Michael with her and everyone is stunned. She then unleashes on Michael, calling him a crappy friend and a liar, both of which are true statements. She also tells him that Holly was smart for dumping his ass for a “real man” like Blake. Daaaaammn, girl. I hate to stick up for Erica Rose (I really hate it) but everything she said is spot-on.

Next week, the gang will partake in a spelling bee. These people can barely spell their own names, so this will be a complete disaster.

To read more ‘Bachelor Pad’ recaps by The Ashley, click here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Share the Post:

Related Posts