Yes, The Ashley‘s aware that it’s been two weeks since she busted out a Bachelorette recap. She deserves a public flogging for not blogging last week’s ridiculous episode, so she made a point to recap this week’s fantastical episode. (Sorry it’s a bit late– blame America for having a birthday, and The Ashley for having no self control when it comes to margaritas. As you do.)
Anyway, this week’s episode was arguably The.Most.Dramatic.Bachelorette.Episode.EVER. Well, at least that’s what they were promising, but it really was the most dramatic of the season thus far. This week, Desiree and her gang of suitors set off for Barcelona, Spain, which Des says is “the perfect city to fall in love in.” Wait…I thought that was Munich….and Atlantic City?
All the guys have been brushing up on their junior high Spanish for the trip. (“Coma esta senior”). Speaking of junior high, most of the guys are busy acting like 8th grade mean girls, what with the James scandal that erupted last week. (“He said he wanted to be the next Bachelor…I’m telling!” “Nu-uh, I did not!” “Yes you did!”) Ugh.
Since his arch rival, Ben, went home last week, Michael G. has found a new scapegoat in James. He’s determined to “out” James for his “ulterior motives” and most of the other guys are on-board. He and the other guys head back to the hotel suite to unpack and think of ways to make James look like an a-hole in front of Desiree.
Drew has managed to score the first 1-on-1 date with Des in Spain, so they meet up to go explore the city. They talk about how beautiful everything is, and then go put their mouth on some nasty fountain spout that claims if you drink from it you’ll
need a tetanus shot get to come back to Spain.
Next, Drew decides it’s time to get personal and tells Des how his dad was a big drunk when he was growing up but has since recovered. Des has barely gotten the sentence out about how great it is that he’s doing better when Drew lays something else on her: “Well, he has cancer now.” Oh. Drew succeeds in making Des and the viewing audience feel completely awkward.
Speaking of awkward, Drew decides to get romantical later when he suddenly demands Des get up from the dinner they’re having and follow him into the street. He tells us that his
hormones emotions have gotten the best of him and he just can’t stand it anymore.
He pulls Desiree into the street and throws her up against the wall, awkwardly shoving his tongue down her throat, Sean Lowe-style. (I’m sure the poor camera guy that had to run after them while carrying 75 pounds of camera equipment really appreciated this little escapade.)
Des, however, seemed to love it because she gives him the rose. The flower has barely changed hands when Drew decides to deliver The Big News about James being a fraud. He tells her how he and Kasey overheard James telling Mikey about how he wanted to make it into the Top 4 so that he’d have a great shot at being the next ‘Bachelor’ and/or getting lots of poon in the meantime from being on the show. Drew, of course, pretends to be near tears while delivering this news and it’s just ridiculous. Des is upset, of course, but thanks Drew for being honest with her.
The next day, he goes back and reports to his cronies that he successfully completed the mission of delivering the news to Des. The other guys are pouting that they have to go on a group date with James, but finally sack up and head over to a soccer stadium to begin the date. They spy Desiree, and all the guys are hooting and hollering about how “hot” Desiree looks in her…neon jacket and ponytail. Really?
They run onto the field and pro soccer player Juan Pablo is thrilled to finally be able to showcase his ball skills. (Snicker, snicker.) Des tells the guys that they will be playing against her and a team of pro women’s soccer players. The guys all say how excited they are to play. I’m just excited because I know there’s a good chance that one of these dudes is going to get kicked in the junk and end up crying. Fingers crossed!
Unfortunately, no one gets a nutshot, but they do lose pretty badly to the girls. One of the highlights of the entire episode comes when Desiree is shown using her horrible Spanish to communicate with the girls on her team. Seriously…so…bad. I think she deserves a nutshot for that. The whole time, James is being a big crapgoblin because he’s mad that he had to play goalie. The other guys make sure to point that out to Desiree.
Later that night during a dinner date, Drew, Michael G. and Kasey are all scheming about how to take down James. The other guys don’t seem to care two craps about James and/or his potential Bachelor-dom, but these three are sitting there conniving like 14-year-old school girls.
Meanwhile, Des takes Chris aside and shows him her bedroom. They lay down on the bed and Desiree starts cooing about how athletic Chris is and asks is he’s good at everything he does. Um…I feel like this is how 95% of those softcore p0rn movies on HBO start. (“Are you good at everything, big boy? Prove it”…Bow wow chicky bow wow….)
Fortunately for us, they don’t get all that frisky. Unfortunately for us, Desiree decides it’s time to bust out more of her crappy poetry. Seriously, if there’s one thing Des is worse at than speaking Spanish, it’s writing poetry. It’s honestly embarrassingly bad. Chris, of course, wants to get laid at some point in this show, so he tells her that her poems are beautiful and pretends to almost cry as she’s reading them.
The other guys have finished hatching their plan to take down James and have decided to confront him “like men.” Um…you’ve been acting like little girls for the past three weeks, why start acting like men now? They tell James that they heard what he said and, of course, James denies everything. He’s trying desperately to worm himself out of this mess, first denying that the conversation even happened, then admitting that it did happen and claiming it was all Mikey saying those things and that he was just an innocent bystander. Next, he admits to saying those things but writes it off as “guy talk.” Then he decides to just bring up the fact that Michael G. hasn’t even gotten a 1-on-1 date with Desiree, which makes no sense at all.
Michael tells James to go audition for Jersey Shore, which is kind of awkward because James went on the sad 1-on-1 date with Des where they go look at the Jersey Shore destruction. Soon, James is just spewing obscenities and storms out. Of course, Kasey immediately runs over and tells Des that James was cursing and saying bad things about her. Desiree is infuriated and promises to “take care” of the James situation. She tells the guys that she’s not giving out a date rose tonight and to hit the bricks because she’s about to rip James a new one. How dare he not love her!
James knows the jig is up and that he’s going to have to do some quick talking to stay in the game and get his ass to the next exotic location. Desiree tells him that she believes everything Drew and Kasey told her and James is trying his very best to squeeze out a few tears. He blames Mikey for everything and promises “on his dad” that he’s not lying. He says he’s here for love and all the other guys are 1) ganging up on him 2) jealous of his connection with her and 3) giving him a headache. That makes two of us, James. (It really pains The Ashley to have to stick up for a douchewad like James, but those guys are getting on my last nerve with their whining and shenanigans!)
He finally manages to force out a few tears and Desiree falls for it big time. Somehow he actually gets her to apologize to him. He’s good. Really, really good. Des says she needs some time to think and leaves James sitting there to fake cry. He returns to the hotel suite, where the Girly Gang is celebrating their overthrow of James. They’re shocked to see he’s still in the game. They all stop talking when James enters the room and it’s all awkward.
The next day is Zak W‘s 1-on-1 date with Des. They are going to an art museum and Zak tells us he’s excited because he loves to see work by famous artists like Picasso and..and…the others. They go in there and end up drawing portraits of each other. Zak makes Desiree look like she’s wearing blackface .
Next they bring in an emaciated boy/man to serve as their nude model. They’re supposed to draw him but honestly, can someone just feed him? That boy looks hungry.
Afterwards, they go down to a cave/wine cellar thing and Zak tells us that he’s excited that it’s finally just him and Desiree (and about 40 production/camera people, of course). Zak gushes about his parents’ marriage and, miraculously, Desiree misses an opportunity to call her parents out for being poor.
Zak then tells Desiree that he’s “completely in love” with her and that she “means everything” to him. I mean, they have been hanging out for like two hours together. I think a proclamation of love is in order.
The next day, Drew has his 1-on-1 with James. It quickly becomes a screaming match, with Drew scolding James for not being completely focused on Desiree and for daring to look past this ridiculous show and into real life. How dare he even consider to prospect of not finding everlasting love with Desiree! The horrors!
Desiree appears out of nowhere and asks to speak with James privately. James (and his flip flops and dress shirt ensemble) follow her outside where she seems to be about to dismiss him…but doesn’t. He cons her again, making her cry and telling her that he knows she’s too smart to let this effect her decision of who to give the rose to tonight. Again, he’s good, very good. Meanwhile, Michael and the Girly Gang are all hanging off the balcony above them, watching and creeping on their conversation. Desiree doesn’t end up kicking James off and he returns to the hotel suite, much to Michael G’s dismay.
It’s finally time for the rose ceremony. I’m hoping that Desiree cuts all of these guys: James, Drew, Kasey, Michael G., the whole crew. I’m sick of all of them. James tells us that he’s sure that the love between him and Desiree is strong enough to overcome all this drama. Gag.
She starts to hand out roses, giving one to Brooks (who has stayed pretty quiet this episode) and Chris. Zak W. and Drew already have roses, so it’s down to Juan Pablo, Michael G, Kasey and James. She gives the final rose to Michael G. (seriously!?) leaving the rest crushed.
Juan Pablo is sad that he didn’t find a stepmom for his kid. James is sad that he was “framed” by the other guys but refrains from saying anything mean about Des or the show because he’s still secretly hoping he’ll get to be the next ‘Bachelor!’ See you on Bachelor Pad 2014, James!
Next week, Desiree and the guys head to Madera where they’ll go horseback riding, helicoptering and everyone will declare their undying love for Desiree.
Until next week, kiddies!