The Ashley knows that it’s been a while since she’s popped out a Teen Mom 3 recap so while the rest of the world was sitting in front of their TV screens watching the finale of Breaking Bad, The Ashley decided to catch up on this crap.
Anyway, when we last left off with the gals, Mackenzie was nervous about Josh starting to do rodeo again. She was scared that he would fall off his bronco and get hurt. (Maybe a fall would actually knock some personality into the kid. He’s got the pizazz of a Chia Pet, currently.)
Mackenzie is hoping to tumble her way to Oklahoma State and she tells her tumbling coach that it’s cool because Josh is going to soon get buckets ‘o’ money via his rodeo career that will support them all and pay for her college.
The tumbling coach just takes it all in and you can tell he’s just trying to figure out a way to make Mackenzie understand that there’s a slight possibility that Josh might not be a rodeo star after all. Mackenzie doesn’t seem to quite understand the concept (next time maybe make flashcards, Coach?) and says that thinking about all of that money stuff stresses her out.
When we last saw them, Joey was pissed that Katie had put on her sexy-time outfit for a “risqué” fashion show. (Puh-lease! You call that risky!? Farrah Abraham would probably wear that outfit to Thanksgiving dinner!)
Things are still tense between the couple and, to top it all off, Joey has been spending way more money than they have. Katie brings up all the overdraft fees they’ve been paying to the bank but Joey doesn’t want to discuss “money….and stuff.”
Joey doesn’t seem to understand what the problem is—he left Katie money for groceries…there’s a whole dollar left in their account! That can buy enough Top Ramen to last you all month!
Katie next brings up the fact that they only have 100 pennies to their name because Joey can’t stop getting “High! High!” on “da weed” (Oh, God, where are you when we need ya, Barbara Evans?!) Joey doesn’t like people talking about him using the wacky tobaccy, so he brings up Katie’s dad, who spent time in jail for drugs. (Read The Ashley’s book, Teen Mom Confidential, for the whole story!)
Over in Pennsylvania, all hell has broken loose at Alex’s house. After kicking Matt out for skank-chasing and drug-shooting, Alex’s mom, Wendy, comes home to find the place trashed. (Hey—is that Kieffer Delp sleeping in the corner under that trash pile? Nope…it was just a green sweatshirt.)
Wendy’s in shock that her basement has been completely trashed by Matt, who she took in and allowed to use her stuff. Poor Wendy looks like she’s about to cry when Alex’s friend, Marina, comes downstairs and surveys the mess. Marina gets a big hoot out of the whole thing, chuckling it up while Alex’s mom tries to hold back tears. Um…Marina’s kind of an asshole, no?
Alex storms upstairs and calls Matt to demand that he come over and clean up his mess. Matt sounds high as a kite when he talks to Alex and Wendy on the phone, and poor Wendy is still trying to reason with the kid, even though he’s been horrible to her. Alex refuses to clean up the basement. (Make Marina do it, since she thinks it’s so damn funny!)
Two hours later, Matt arrives, trash bag in hand, to clean up the basement and fetch his stuff. Matt asks to see Arabella, but Alex refuses to let him. He then scurries back into his his mom’s car and takes off, leaving the majority of his stuff and the mess behind.
Over in Florida, Devoin has found some time in between smokin’ “da weed” and “rollin’ with his homies” to go see his daughter for the first time in three weeks. He arrives at Briana’s house (sans the baby-proofing money he owes her mom) and sits awkwardly in their living room, holding Nova for TEN WHOLE MINUTES. After he’s had just about as much baby (and Brittany side-eye) as he can stand, he bolts from the house. The next day, Briana and Brittany tell their mom, Roxanne, about Devoin’s awkwardly fast visit. Briana says that she’s over it and that she doesn’t really want Devoin around Nova anymore.
Back in Oklahoma, Mackenize and her mom go grocery shopping, where Mackenzie learns that it costs a whole three dollars a day to feed Gannon! Luckily, Mackenzie knows she can count on Josh to win money at the upcoming rodeo so that he can shower his family in riches…and whatever type of ‘Hamburger Helper’ they desire. Still, Mackenzie’s got to worry about Josh getting hurt, which is something Josh’s dad, Rick, is worried about too.
Rick says that before Josh became a father, it didn’t matter if he got concussions. (Um…!?!? Actually, that explains a lot.) But now, Rick is worried that something may happen to Josh and leave Gannon without a father. Still, Josh is determined to get his rodeo on. “I’m ready to prove myself” he says (at least I think that’s what he said. Seriously, MTV needs to bust out some Corey Simms-style subtitles for this kid.)
In Wyoming, Katie tells Joey that he smells weird (“Ya been smokin’ the weeeeed, Juh-nelle! The weeed!”) Joey denies that he’s stoned, even though he can barely keep his eyes open during the car ride over to Joey’s mom’s house. Joey’s mom, Cari, is a handsome woman. She looks like the type of gal that would have one of those oversized T-shirts that reads “I Don’t Do Mornings” or something.
Anyway, Katie and Molly go inside but Joey decides to sit outside in a truck. Cari (and a car-full of her other kids) go ‘round back and try to talk to Joey, but he says he doesn’t want to f*cking talk to her right now. Cari’s trying to give Joey relationship advice, and soon Joey’s younger siblings join in. You know your life is crappy when you’re getting love life advice from a 10 year old wearing a unicorn sweatshirt.
Eventually, Joey waddles his high ass into the house and goes and fetches himself a plate of food. (Hey, he’s probably got the munchies!)
Finally, Joey and Katie sit down and have a talk. Katie tells him that he’s a stupid drug addict, but Joey argues that he’s not a drug addict and that he’s just a pothead that won’t quit. (Um…? Is anyone else having flashbacks to that episode of Teen Mom 2 where Barbara accused Jenelle of being hungover and Jenelle got all mad and was like, “I’m not hungover! I’m just tired, have a headache and feel like I’m going to throw up.” Same, same. )
Katie explains that she doesn’t want Molli to end up with a drugged-up father, or divorced parents like she had, but Joey refuses to give up all of the pot.
Meanwhile, Briana finally decides to tell Devoin to stay away from her and Nova. She tells her mother her decision and Roxanne gets nostalgic, and mentions that those were the exact same words she told Briana’s father years ago. Briana smiles all proud and it’s kind of super-awkward. Still, Roxanne encourages Briana to think her decision through because there are a lot of consequences that go along with taking a kid’s dad out of the picture.
I mean, true, Nova probably won’t know the lyrics to every Lil Wayne song by the time she’s four if Devoin’s not in her life, but, hey we all make sacrifices. At least she won’t get caught teaching the other kids in her preschool how to roll a joint.
That night, Briana calls Devoin and asks him to come over. Roxanne insists that Devoin’s going to cause a ruckus when he finds out what Briana’s plotting.
He arrives all spiffy in a tie and everything…the Wal-Mart must have been having a sale on men’s formal attire! Briana gets right into the conversation, telling Devoin that he’s not being a good father and that she doesn’t want him around any of them. (Roxanne is sneakily listening in the background.) Devoin argues that Nova needs a father and that Briana wouldn’t know what it’s like to have a dad and suddenly Roxanne charges out of the back room like a bull in heat, screaming at Devoin that Briana did, indeed, have a dead. A deadbeat dad, but still a dad. (Roxanne don’t make no test tube babies, y’all!)
She starts screaming at him to “Get the f*ck out of her house!” slamming the door on his face. Devoin throws something at the door, which pisses Roxanne off even more.
She proceeds to open the door, grab up the nearest lawn ornament and chuck it at Devoin’s head. (By this point, The Ashley is standing like five inches from her TV screaming “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”
I effing love this show.
Roxanne comes in and apologizes to Nova for going bat-sh*t, vase-throwing crazy on her father. Briana decides to renew the court order against Devoin, and discovers that she needs to serve him with the order.
The cops escort Briana and her mother over to Devoin’s humble abode to serve the papers. The (very deep-voiced) female cop agrees to serve the papers and they go inside the house, while Briana and her family wait outside. They successful serve the papers and the family is on their way home. Naturally, in the middle of all this, Briana’s first instinct is to check her Twitter. It’s there that she sees that Devoin has just tweeted “I’M A FREE MAN!” after receiving the papers. This makes her upset.
Meanwhile, Mackenzie and her family are heading out to the rodeo to go support Josh during his very first ride. “He’s rode in the past…and got some concussions,” Mackenzie tells her pal as they drive over to the arena. Unfortunately, Mackenzie’s dad (who’s probably on concussion number five himself) has gotten the family lost, and they are still driving around town when Josh saddles up for his event.
There are only about seven people in the bleachers, so it won’t be hard for Josh to tell that Mackenzie and her family aren’t there. They pull into the arena and a helpful lady (in a Tweety Bird sweatshirt, as you do) tells them that the bronco riding has already begun. Mackenzie begins to freak out, screaming like there’s another baby squeezing out of her lady parts.
Josh is riding a horse called “Smokin’ Ace” (which I’m pretty sure is Katie’s boyfriend Joey’s nickname) and is soon bucked to the ground. Mackenize dashes into the arena but it’s too late to see her beau buck. He tells them that he got disqualified for….something that we can’t understand….but good news—he landed on his head! Pretty soon he’s going to be on the same reading level as Gannon.
In Pennsylvania, Alex’s mom sits down to talk with Alex about creating a custody arrangement with Matt. She’s brought home all of the papers (to which Arabella promptly craps on…literally.) Alex tells Wendy that Matt is currently homeless, because his mom kicked him out of her house too.
The next day, Alex is teaching dance while Matt strolls down to his drug counselor, who informs him that his drug test came back positive. (Um…I think even Arabella could see that Matt was completely lit up during this segment. Don’t be patting yourself on the back too much, lady!)
Matt admits that he “smoked a little bit of weed” recently but that he prefers heroin, if he can get his mitts on it. The counselor says that she can refer him into a shelter for homeless men, but he has to stay clean.
In Wyoming, it’s time for another counseling session for Joey and Katie, but Katie’s family flakes out on watching the baby so they have to take her with them. Katie tells the counselor about Joey’s pot smoking, which makes a nice segway into Katie telling us about what happened with her father and drugs. (You know MTV was behind this little story-telling session.)
Joey insists that he does everything that Katie wants, except for giving up his pot, but Katie says that this will break them up if he keeps it up.
Next week on ‘Teen Mom 3,’ Briana and her gang go to court, Matt goes to the hospital after overdosing and Mackenzie goes into doubt-mode over if she should marry Josh or not. Try your best not to throw vases at anyone until then, kiddies!
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