‘Teen Mom 3’ Episode 7: Papichulo Goes to Court

devoin briana
“Who…or what…is a ‘Papichulo?'”

Last week on Teen Mom 3 was a vase-throwin’, rodeo missin’ heap of fun. Unless someone decides to chuck lawn ornaments on this week’s episode, it’s going to be pretty tough to beat Episode 6! Let’s cross our fingers that at least one person in this nutty crew has a restraining order put against them tonight!

The episode starts off in Wyoming with Katie, who is trying her best to get along with her baby-daddy, the oft high, always cranky Joey. Things have been rough for the pair over the past few weeks, but now that Joey has agreed to stop getting “High! High!” Katie is willing to give their relationship another shot. Dropping the wacky tobaccy habit has allowed Joey to have more free time, which he has been using to take care of Molli while Katie gets her learn on. She plans to become a social worker. (Seriously, she should just specialize in ‘Teen Mom’ cast member relationships— she’d make a killing! There’s enough work there to keep her busy for decades!)

Molli Teen Mom 3
“Just be glad I didn’t name you Cynderlee or something!”

She heads over to the park to meet up with her friend (and fellow teen mom) Naomi, who has a son named Kenner. Yes. Kenner. Not Ken. Not Kenneth. Kenner. Why, why WHY!? Seriously, what is with people these days when it comes to naming their offspring? Everyone’s looking to be ‘different’ and ‘original’ with their names, but instead you’re just going to have a bunch of Sages and Crymsleys and Jaxxxsons running around, all counting the days until they turn 18 and can legally change their name to “Mike” or “Jennifer.”

Katie's friend Naomi
“School sounds hard…and stuff….”

Anyway…Katie schools her pal on breast feeding and how to do the education. Naomi’s pretty dense (she doesn’t even know if there are any of “the schools” in their area) so I’m fairly certain Katie is wasting her breath by telling her all of this. Katie mentions that the closest four-year college is in Utah, so that would require her to leave Joey for two years.

Over in Pennsylvania, it’s been a Matt-free zone in Alex’s house for two weeks and things are a lot happier. However, Alex is worried that Matt is back on drugs so she’s attempting to get full custody of Arabella.

Alex’s chuckle buddy, Marina, is back, to ask the questions that the producers off-camera are forcing her to—What’s up with Matt? How hard is it to study? Blah Blah Blah. Alex says that she’s so relieved to be free of Matt, but she plans to file for child support.

teen mom 3
Looks like Matt trashed Briana’s basement too, for some reason?

Over in Florida, Briana’s attempting to leave her house (which is literally piled from floor almost to ceiling with baby stuff, junk and assorted debris. (Seriously, this place is a filth pit, like Chelsea Houska-style of mess! Why the hell did you just spend $300 on baby-proofing the house? It’s not like Nova could even make her way over the heaps ‘o’ trash to drown herself in the toilet!)

Briana is preparing to go to court against Devoin, but first she and Brittany are taking Nova to a “baby music class.” I have no clue what the hell that is but I’m pretty sure I’d rather take an ice pick to the eye than go to something like that. My future spawn will just have to do without “baby music” time because it ain’t happening. I’d be kicked out for making fun of everyone.

Because Briana hasn’t been out of the house for a long time (except to collect the fragments of the vase her mom threw at her ex-boyfriend’s head last week), she’s all stoked and is looking at the class as a wild night out.

baby music class
Brittany’s face says it all.

They meet up with the leader of the class, who’s just a little too happy to be singing…about singing. The moms and dads in the group are just as happy as clams, wiggling and singing with the crazy leader lady. Seriously, make that an ice pick in both eyes. Forget the court order, Briana. If you really want to torture Devoin, make him take Nova to this class every week!

Finally we check in with Mackenzie, who is trying to be supportive of Josh’s renewed desire to rodeo. She’s sad that she and Gannon barely get to see him. She’s been phone-stalking him for a while, but he won’t answer his calls.

She pulls up to his humble abode to wait for her cowboy stud to arrive. She’s been sitting on the trash- and animal-covered porch for over an hour when Josh finally strolls in. Mackenzie is upset that Josh doesn’t even care if she goes to watch his rodeo that night. For all of her waiting, she is only rewarded with five moments or so of Josh’s dynamic personality.

Katie and Joey Maes
“She must be HIGH! HIGH! if she thinks I’m going to shovel coal in Utah!”

Meanwhile, Katie is trying to convince Joey to move to Utah, and he tells her that he got offered a job in a coal mine in Utah. Unfortunately, the job is on the same level as the one he has in Wyoming, which won’t allow him to buy any extra weed, so that’s a problem. Katie’s disappointed that Joey’s considering not taking the Utah job because it’s too risky.

Later, we get a rare appearance by Katie’s mom, Luci, who encourages Katie to pursue her four-year degree and not give in to Joey’s pressure for her to give up on her education.

Alex has big plans for the day—she’s planning to get a giant tattoo of Arabella’s feet and birthdate on her back. Afterwards, she and Arabella meet up with Alex’s grandparents for dinner. She shows them her tattoo, to which Grandma exclaims, “Why is it so big?!” Grandpa says that Alex will never get a job as a pro dancer with a ginormous tattoo. (Um…it’s kind of late to bring that up now, isn’t it Pops?) She explains her custody plan with Matt to them, and Grandma encourages Alex to cut Matt some slack.

Meanwhile, Matt has got more important things to worry about—he has an appointment with his drug counselor. She tells him that he was approved for the drug program at the men’s shelter, but he has to check in tomorrow and do a drug test before he can go.

Matt Mccann drugs
“Are we really going to keep pretending I’m drug free, lady? Seriously?”

Matt will have it made at the shelter—he’ll get housing for two years, three meals a day and the opportunity to bring his daughter there. The lady seems very proud of herself for getting Matt out of whatever cardboard box he’s been living in, but Matt seems indifferent. He looks more upset that he has to wake up early so he can be there by 9:15 the next day to check in.

The next day, 9:15 has come and gone and by 10:15, the drug counselor still hasn’t heard from Matt. She leaves him a message and keeps trying to get in touch with Matt. At 2:30 pm, he finally strolls in, looking pretty rough. But it’s not what we think—he hasn’t relapsed. Nope, he has an “incommunicable disease” and has to go to the hospital. The drug counselor doesn’t give a crap about any sort of disease he has, whether it be incommunicable or not, and says that he basically wasted five hours of everyone’s time with his shenanigans.

She knows that he’s going to pee dirty, but she still humors him. Matt, of course, is defensive and protests that he’s not happy that he has to eat three free meals a day at this free housing place! I mean, come on, the nerve! Seriously, if someone’s willing to pay for my food, shelter and “incommunicable disease” care, I’ll give them as much of my pee as they want…just saying.

He refuses to go to the housing place and storms out. Let’s just hope there’s a choice spot under the bridge waiting for him.

briana dejesus devoin
“You better keep your Papichulo ass away from my daughter!”

Meanwhile, Briana is preparing to see Devoin in court. She busts out her trusty Twitter printouts and her mother says that Devoin deserves to be shunned after all the crap he’s pulled.

She drops Nova into Brittany’s bed and she and her mom head off to court. For once, they actually allowed MTV into the court room so we get to watch as Devoin arrives, and is shown his Twitter posting printouts. Of course, he denies ever posting those vial comments about Briana.

The best part of this scene? When the white bread judge asks, “Who is a Papichulo? What is that?” Briana answers that it’s Devoin’s Twitter name and the poor judge just looks 1) confused 2) saddened that he didn’t take his mom’s advice and become a cardiologist so he wouldn’t have to deal with all this Twitter/Papichulo crap.

Devoin denies that he is or was ever “Papichulo” and for some reason the judge believes him (and/or he just doesn’t want to deal with these creeps anymore and will do anything to get them out of his courtroom by the time Judge Judy comes on!) Devoin is shown walking out of the court, laughing and smiling with one of his degenerate friends. Ol’ Papichulo doesn’t seem too broken up about the whole thing.

Mackenzie douthit
“Wanna go watch your daddy crack his skull open…again?”

In Oklahoma, Mackenzie chats with her mom about her frustration with Josh not wanting to see her. “All he cares about is rodeo-ing!” Mackenzie wails. Mackenzie’s mom says that Josh will be in a much better mood if he wins tonight. (Um…y’all did see the boy ride last week, right? He was off that horse in less time than you can say “yee haw!”)

As per usual, Josh takes a header into the dirt less than a second after getting on the bronco. (Looks like we can add another concussion to his tally!) He barely spends any time with Mackenzie, and she slunks away disappointed.

The next day, Mackenzie makes an appointment with a relationship counselor to talk about her and Josh’s problems. Of course, Josh couldn’t find time in his busy rodeoing schedule to go to the session, so Mackenzie goes alone.

In Wyoming, Katie’s still trying to convince Joey to move to Utah. She says she’s facing a possible strip club future if she doesn’t get her four-year degree and she’s scared because she doesn’t have a plan. Joey tells her straight out that he will never move to Utah, and Katie knows she has some big decisions to make: either leave Joey or face ten years working the “Diamond Stage” while wearing clear plastic heels.

episode 7
Damn those “incommunicable” diseases!

In Pennsylvania, Alex gets a call from Matt’s pal Murray, who informs her that Matt is in the hospital after a possible drug overdose. Alex rushes to the hospital to see him.

Next week, Mackenzie gives Josh an ultimatum about their relationship, Matt gives Alex more of a headache, Joey gives Katie more reason to dump his ass, and Brittany gives her mom major attitude about having to take care of her sister’s kid.

Until next week, kids!

To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s ‘Teen Mom 3’ episode, click here.

(Photos: MTV)

6 Responses

  1. Whoever writes this stuff is freaking hilarious! I laughed the whole way through the story….reading this is almost better than watching the episodes! Thanks author for the crack up!

  2. “laughing and smiling with one of his degenerate friends. Ol’ Papichulo doesn’t seem too broken up about the whole thing.” LMFAO
    Pure gold!

    I love you for these updates, never stop!

  3. I love taking my daughter to baby music class! At first i thought it was lame but by the end of the first class i was hooked the whole class including my baby were having so much fun! Have not missed a class since.

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