It’s been a few weeks since The Ashley has checked in with the gals of Teen Mom 3. A lot has happened since we last got our recap on over here on The Roundup– breakups, make ups, people hitting ‘da club’– so let’s get right down to business!
The episode kicks off with Briana, who is still trying to hose the stench of well vodka and man-sweat off of her after her birthday outing to ‘da club’ last week. Since her “birthday” Briana has gotten herself some Harry Potter glasses and a new beau, a kid she went to school with” named Jacob. Briana and Jacob are secret lovers for the time being, because Briana’s mom, Roxanne, isn’t trying to have any more grandkids before she turns 40, so she pretty much put the lid on Briana being able to date.
Brittany, however, is getting her rocks off with her “friend” Derek. Britt’s new Casanova-in-a-cotton-tee takes her to get ice cream, which makes Briana a bit jealous that she, too, isn’t able to get fro-yo with boys out in the open. Roxanne never misses an opportunity to remind Briana that no boy would be interested in a girl that’s got all of her “baby-momma baggage.” Instead, Roxanne suggests that Briana try to cleanse her pre-marital sex sins by going to church with her.
Briana, however, isn’t too keen on the idea. She “don’t want no saint guy.” (I swear that’s an actual quote…I didn’t even have to make that up!) A guy with morals? Oh helllll no, says Briana. Bring on the thugs! (Where is ol’ Papichulo any way? I miss seeing him on this show!)
Next we check in with Alex, who is bummed to learn that David, the boy she was dating in last week’s episode, is dating other girls. To lift her spirits, Alex’s trusty pal, Marina, comes over and informs her that they’re going to a concert that night. Alex seems less than thrilled, but Marina is insistent. Luckily, Alex’s mom is able to babysit, so the girls head off for a night of all ages club shenanigans.
In Oklahoma, Mackenzie has been Josh-less for a whole week. Her mom, Angie, is heading off to a church retreat, which means that Gannon will be home alone with Mackenzie and her dad. Angie’s a bit worried about leaving the kid there, but, hey, he’s already a year old– it’s about time he gets his first concussion if he ever wants to catch up to his dad Josh!
“There goes our cooker and our cleaner for a whole week!” Mackenzie wails as her mom drives off. (Aww, that’s got to make Mama feel good!)
Mackenzie’s friend comes over later and Mackenzie tells her that she and Josh are really through. Mackenzie wasn’t sure if the breakup was permanent until, of course, Josh told her to come over and fetch her saddle. When saddles are being fetched, you know people mean business!
Finally we check in with Katie, who broke up with Joey three days ago and is still mourning the loss of their relationship. Joey has some things he needs to say to Katie, but he’s not all that great with the “words…and stuff” so he decides to express his feelings in a letter. Unfortunately, it’s not a love letter, instead, the letter tells her that Joey’s been dipping his coal spear into some other girl’s mine.
She can’t believe that Joey moved on in only three days, but he insists that he did it because he loves her. (Um?!) He says he didn’t want to lie to her (but apparently it was OK to cheat on her?) Ironically, this scene takes place while Joey’s wearing a T-shirt that says “Family” on the front (and “Twitch” on the back…as you do). It’s really a Kodak moment. Katie heads to her mom’s house to inform her of what happened, and swears off men forever.
Meanwhile, Alex gets a call from Matt informing her that he is being kicked out of the halfway house. She has no idea why he got the boot. Still, she’s determined not to let Matt’s news ruin her big night out. Alex gets all dressed up (but chooses to leave her mother’s suggested accessory, a taser gun, behind) and she and Marina head out to the concert.
While Marina’s biggest problem is deciding how many guys she can bang in the bathroom before the concert ends, Alex has more important things to worry about. She calls home to make sure Arabella is OK.
During this scene, we are treated to the musical stylings of this horrendous “punk rock” band. You know that the band was probably so stoked that someone from ‘Teen Mom’ decided to come to their concert, since it will be the only way they’ll ever get on MTV.) Marina (and her constant exposed bra straps) headbangs with Alex to the beat.
After the concert, Marina’s “on a mission to meet guys.” They meet some local street youths who want the girls to come hang out with them, but Alex declines, telling them that she has a baby to go home to. The guys tell her that she should just bring the baby along to the party (I mean, that’s what Jenelle would do in this situation, right?) but Alex declines. Instead, she heads in to get pizza and bids the boys adieu.
In Florida, Briana’s secret lover Jacob is blowing up her phone (trying to get in some late night phone sex, perhaps?) but Briana doesn’t want her mother to know that he’s calling. Roxanne is suspicious, so when Briana leaves to go put Nova to bed, Roxanne gets all Nancy Drew and checks the phone to see who’s calling. When she sees it’s a boy, she marches in to find out if he 1) has a car 2) lives with his mother and 3) has condoms. (OK, she didn’t say the last one, but we all know she was thinking it!)
Later, Roxanne calls up Brittany to see what she knows about this Jacob character, and Britt says that he has a bad reputation. Roxanne and Brittany agree that they are going to try end Briana’s relationship before they all end up back at the maternity ward. Brittany tells Briana that this kid is just like Devoin, and because he’s not in school, he’s a loser. Brittany keeps running her mouth, but Briana looks completely beat down and starts to cry.
Still, Briana’s not ready to give up on Jacob. She agrees to go to dinner with him the next night, and then heads to tell her mother about it. Roxanne is not happy, and she starts to cry because Briana doesn’t make good choices. Brittany and Roxanne refuse to watch Nova, so Briana has to cancel her date with Jacob. They still continue to harp on Jacob, causing poor Briana to finally break down. “If you don’t have anything nice, don’t say sh*t at all,” she says.
I think she got that from a Disney movie.
At Mackenzie’s, things are falling apart with out Mama Angie– the house is a wreck, food is burning and poor Gannon looks like he’d rather be living with anyone–even Briana’s phone sex buddy– than Mackenzie.
Meanwhile, Josh has been M.I.A for the past week. He’s hanging out at his friend’s house and, while his buddy is wrangling a large pig (As.You.Freaking.Do!) Josh talks about how happy he is to be away from Mackenzie’s whining.
Unfortunately, he made the mistake of knocking her up, so he’s kind of stuck dealing with her forever. (Don’t worry, Josh, after a few more concussions, you won’t even know who you are anymore, so that will make it much easier to handle!)
He decides to call Mackenzie finally, and tells her that he wants to come and see Gannon. He arrives, Mackenzie’s saddle in hand, and Mackenzie uses the opportunity to ask where their relationship stands, and Josh says he guesses they can give it another shot. (Of course, he doesn’t bother to open his eyes throughout the entire conversation.) Ironically, they start playing a song that starts off with, “You have amazing eyes…” Who could even tell? We never even get to see Josh’s peepers!
The next day, Mackenzie’s mom comes home, and Mackenzie informs her that she and Josh are once again “FBO” (That’s “Facebook Official,” y’all!). Her parents are not exactly thrilled with the news, but Mackenzie is determined to make their relationship work. She goes to get ready for her date with Josh, and her parents discuss how Gannon doesn’t stand a chance. I’m glad someone finally said it…
In Wyoming, Katie has decided to move in with her dad to get away from Joey. He is insisting that he wants equal time with Molli, and that if he wants to take her to see his new Flava of the Week, he will, and there’s nothing that Katie can do about it. They are trying to split up Molli’s things, but Joey’s angry, as per usual, so he starts to throw things around the apartment. Katie takes the baby and tries to leave, but Joey comes downstairs and swipes the baby back from her. Katie calls her mom, who wants to get the police involved.
Katie’s mom rushes over and Joey insists that he’s still taking Molli and it becomes a shoving match in the hallway. Everyone’s crying so Katie’s mom calls the police, who arrive immediately.
Ahh…it’s nice to see cops on a ‘Teen Mom’ show again…
Katie and Joey insist that they are OK, and Joey storms out of the apartment. Katie leaves her ring on the table, along with a note and a photo of their family.
Next week, Briana’s still trying to get some action, while Alex tries to get her father more involved in her life.
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