Although it is going to be hard to top all of the meat slappin’ fun we had on last week’s episode of Teen Mom 2, this week’s episode brings some big moments: a wedding, a graduation and, hopefully, plenty of Barbara appearances, so let’s get started!
The episode kicks off in Philadelphia, where Kail and Javi are about to say “I do” (Well, technically it’s “I still do” but I digress…) It’s the day of the wedding and the boys and girls are remaining segregated so that it’s extra special when Kail and Javi see each other at the ceremony.
Javi’s pal, Pocahontas, and the rest of the groomsmen are holed up in a hotel room waiting until 10 minutes before the ceremony starts to get ready because, let’s face it, men just have to shower and shave and they’re ready to go. (Except for Pocahontas, of course, who has likely spent the morning pruning his braids to perfection.)
Meanwhile, the girls are running around their hotel room trying to get ready. Kail’s friend Gigi is helping her curl her hair when Kail comments that she looks like a 13 year-old with braces that’s pregnant and getting married. So…basically any 13 year-old that has ever appeared on one of those ‘Troubled Teens’ episodes of Maury.
Kail says she’s happy that the drama with the bridesmaids is over. (Hey, there’s still time for them to kick the crap out of each other during the bouquet toss, so let’s not jump the gun just yet. The bitterness from The Great Earring Caper will take years to wear off.)
Kail says she’s nervous about her first kiss with Javi because she doesn’t know if she’s supposed to keep her tongue in her own mouth. Let’s focus on keeping the baby in the womb, shall we?
Over in Carolina, Barbara’s “special friend” Mike is chatting with Jace, who tells him that he has yet to get a good behavior sticker in school because he can’t stop pinching people. (Hey, it could be worse– he could be hitting people on the head with drumsticks like his mother’s friends do!) Then Jace just straight up screams “F**k!” in Mike’s face and goes back to drinking his juice box like a boss. I’m sure the Brunswick County Police Department is already starting to get his cell ready as we speak…sigh.
Meanwhile, Jenelle is getting all spiffied up for court. She’s facing a bunch of charges for that time she got caught with “Courtland’s” heroin, but, as per usual, her Hottie McCuteStuff lawyer, Dustin, has plans to save her ass and keep her out of the clink. Nathan is attending the court festivities as well, so he’s suiting up in his fanciest tie from The Wal-Mart for the occasion.
Nathan’s worried that Courtland “might, like, try to show up and stuff” because he reached out to Jenelle via The Facebook to let her know he was all butt-hurt that she told everyone that they were separated when he planted drugs in her car. I mean, who hasn’t had that fight with their spouse? Am I right?
Nathan is worried that they are going to throw Jenelle in jail. “What am I supposed to do without
your MTV paychecks you?” he wails.
Meanwhile, in South Dakota, Chelsea is either still trying to make that cow/leopard oversized sweater she wore in the last episode work. Chelsea tells Randy that she’s about to graduate from Skin School and that she’s afraid of getting a real job. Or any job.
She is certified in micro-dermabrasion, facials, waxing and…airbrush tanning! Seriously? Poor Randy has to sit there and act excited as Chelsea brags that his hard-earned cash paid for some broad named Karma to teach Chelsea how to make people orange. She particularly enjoys waxing because causing people excruciating pain by ripping out their facial fur helps relieve her stress.
In West Virginia, things between Jeremy and Leah have gotten even worse than when we last see them. Apparently, beating his wife with bacon didn’t make Jeremy feel better so he high-tailed it out of Hicksville for a few days, leaving Leah to care for the litter on her own. She’s called in her mother, Dawn, to help.
Leah and Dawn discuss Jeremy’s job in New Mexico as they dine on an Italian feast. Meanwhile, the twins are each given a Lunchable and sent on their way. “This is not food!” one of them proclaims.
Hell, that’s one of the “good ones” that comes with a dessert. Those kids are living in white trash luxury and they don’t even appreciate it! Eat your processed turkey rounds and crackers and shut it, kids!
Leah tells her mother that she was looking through Jeremy’s Facebook and phone (as you do, apparently?) and she saw that he had turned down a local job in favor of the New Mexico gig. Gee, I can’t imagine why he’d want to escape a nagging wife, a screaming baby and twin girls who are crawling all over him, all while he dines on some cheese-like product from a Lunchable. Sounds like a freaking picnic to me!
Leah says that Jeremy claims that he has to work far away to put food in their mouths. Come on, Jeremy! A Lunchable, even the ones that come with a dessert, don’t cost that much!
Dawn brings up the fact that maybe Jeremy has realized that the family life is not for him. Well, at least he came to that conclusion before they got married, bought a house and Leah popped out his baby. Oh…wait.
You know those MTV producers are totally salivating at the ratings yet another Leah divorce would get them!
In South Dakota, there’s going to be a big graduation hoopla when Chelsea graduates so all the family has gathered to watch as Chelsea clocks out for the very last time.
Because it’s a monumental day (Chelsea actually finished something–other than a bottle of self-tanner, of course) Randy has gone out and gotten her the best cake a girl graduating from Skin School could want. All the other Skin Schoolers coo at the Mac makeup cake.
Apparently, Chelsea’s Skin School graduation is such a big event that basically everybody in town has shown up. There’s seriously like 700 people there, all standing around waiting to watch Chelsea run her time card through the puncher. Karma’s all thrilled because she’s able to plug the name of her school at least four times during the graduation announcement.
(I’m shocked they didn’t run a “If you or someone you know has been the victim of a bad spray tan and you want more information on how to avoid them, call the Stewart School at (800) NO-ORANGE. Operators are standing by.)
The whole gang is there: Landon-with-the-Adam-Lambert-Hair, Randy, Aubree and even South Dee-ko-tah Mary. She hugs her daughter and tells her, “I’m so happy for ya!” Where the heck is Other Chelsey and why was she not invited to the graduation festivities?
While Chelsea is busy celebrating, Jenelle and Nathan are on their way to court. Unfortunately, there’s another “court” that they must deal with before going in to face the judge. Jenelle’s husband, Courtland, is lurking in the parking lot as Jenelle and Underwear Boy arrive.
He’s not doing anything, just standing there looking useless and creepy. (His face wasn’t blurred out, which means he signed an MTV contract to be shown on tape. I wonder if MTV has just gotten to the point where they’re just paying these crackheads in drugs now, or if they still bother to cut them a check for appearing?)
A few hours later, Jenelle emerges from the courthouse and is surprised to find that Courtland is gone. (I’d like to imagine that he teamed up with Kieffer and they went off on some adventure together…) As expected, Dustin worked his magic and got Jenelle unsupervised probation. She’s all set to celebrate…until the judge surprises her and demands she takes a drug test. She tells us that she failed.
Come on, guys. It’s so obvious that Courtland planted those “kilos of weed” in her pee! Duh.
Because she peed dirty, she has to spend two days in the clink. Dustin is doing his best to buy Jenelle a few days before she has to turn herself in. She says she’s not really prepared to go to jail right now. Of course not; she still needs to get herself a fake tattoo that says “Property of Big Juicy” on her butt to help deter the other inmates from trying to get frisky with her behind bars.
Nathan says that after all of the jail stuff, all she has to do is stay clean and stay out of trouble. Because, you know, that’s been so easy for her in the past.
Later, Nathan heads to Casa de Babs to break the news to Babs that Jenelle has gone to jail. He explains that Jenelle pissed dirty and Babs starts screaming, “I knew she was doin’ that! I knew it! I knew it!”
Babs then tries to warn Nathan that “Juh-nelle can be such a lil’ bitch that jepa-dizes ya future!” She tells Nate that she’s glad Jenelle went to jail because she’s an “unfit motha” who’s “ridin’ around smokin’ weed.” (Unfortunately, Babs didn’t deliver her trademarked “HIGH! HIGH!” here. I guess that’s reserved for Kieffa-related moments only. I respect that.)
In Pennsylvania, Kail is putting the final touches on her wedding look. She puts on her dress and takes some solo pictures, while Javi and Isaac get dressed in their tuxes. Kail and her bridesmaids head off to the wedding venue.
They arrive at the venue and Peach tells the other bridesmaids that Kail’s nervous to kiss Javi. MTV does us a solid and shows us a glimpse of the girls’ cab driver. He’s sitting there listening to this conversation with this dumb look on his face, almost as if to say, “Y’all know this chick’s already pregnant, right?”
The girls help Kail get rid of her wedgie, while Isaac puts the moves on the little flowergirl. They enter the aquarium for photos and it’s almost time to start everything. The guests have arrived and Kail mentions that she’s worried that her stomach is going to fall out of her butt. I’d say if this night doesn’t end with a Pitocin shot and an epidural, we should count it as a success.
In West Virginia, Jeremy has surfaced and finally come home. As usual, the place is crawling with kids (in crop tops, for some reason?) but Leah manages to corner Jeremy on the porch for yet another heart-to-heart. (There is no bacon is sight, luckily. Perhaps Jeremy should be frisked before this conversation, though. He could be packing a Slim Jim or something.)
Jeremy says he’s going to make $40,000 for the five-week job. Um… $40k for five weeks’ work? To earn that kind of money in five weeks, I’d legit go work in a sweatshop, all while being forced to listen to Barbara sing Miley Cyrus songs. Actually, I’d probably like that…
But Leah is still not having it, and keeps complaining about having to watch all of the kids by herself. Jeremy says that if Leah doesn’t like his line of work, he’ll gladly go flip burgers
into her face.
Leah brings up the fact that Jeremy once promised her that he would never go that far away and he’s like, “Um, have you hung out with you lately? You’d leave too.” And then she just gets all pissy and screams “FINE!” and runs away crying that no one understands. Well, at least she handled everything maturely.
The next day, Jeremy is packing for his trip while Leah feeds the twins some more processed meat. (Seriously, did they hit a pig on the way home from the Wal-Mart or something?!) Ali is having a hard time figuring out if she’s eating a cookie or a piece of pepperoni (that’s a bad, bad sign, by the way), so Leah goes to straighten it all out.
While the twins “wraaastle” in the hall, Jeremy and Leah try to talk to each other again. Leah tries to make Jeremy realize that their family is more important than money. Jeremy still has to go, so he kisses the family goodbye (all while Leah continues to chew on her pepperoni) and then heads off.
Meanwhile, Chelsea (who is still unlicensed to practice airbrushing, mind you) heads to a job interview. Andrea, the owner appears very eager to hire
someone on a hit reality show that can bring her spa lots of publicity Chelsea, and she tells Chelsea that they are much higher end than the other crap pits in the area that call themselves salons. Chelsea tells her she’s excited to work there, and Andrea says she’s excited as well.
It’s impossible to tell if she really is excited, however, because Andrea has literally been Botoxed within an inch of her life and can barely lift the corners of her mouth.
Andrea tells Chelsea that she wants to hire her. Apparently the fact that Chelsea isn’t yet licensed, has no references and didn’t even show Andrea if she even knows what the hell she’s doing don’t seem to matter. As long as Chelsea doesn’t scalp someone, (and she stays on ‘Teen Mom 2’) she will probably keep her job.
In Carolina, two days have passed so Nathan scurries down to the jail to pick up his beloved. He brings flowers for the occasion and greets Jenelle with a big hug and kiss. Aww….I always say, the most touching moments happen outside the detention center. Jenelle tells Nate that she cried her eyes out because she missed him, and how sweaty she got while sleeping on her jail mat. This is the stuff romance movies are made of, kids.
Later, Jenelle gets a photo via The Twitter of something Nathan wrote on The Facebook. It appears that he wrote that he’s done with Juh-nelle, but when Jenelle calls him on it, he denies it and claims that it was a fake Nathan Twitter that is responsible. Apparently Nathan was talking to the friend of his ex-girlfriend while Jenelle was in the slammer, which pisses Jenelle off.
Jenelle says it’s OK for Nate to have guy friends but not girl friends. “If you did it while I wasn’t locked up, I wouldn’t be so mad,” she screams. Nate is angry that she’s mad because, after all, he spent the whole day creating a “Welcome Back From the Slammer” sign for Jenelle’s homecoming. (I mean, now they’re just making it too easy on me. It’s like they’re just giving it to me at this point.)
The fight escalates to a screaming match when Nate tries to look at Jenelle’s phone to prove that she chats with guys too. “You are a freak sometimes!” he tells her. Um, tear out the front page! Call the newspapers! That’s not exactly breaking news, dude.
In West Virginia, it’s time for Leah to bring the girls to Corey. Leah tells Corey that she’s going to go pick up Ali’s wheelchair soon. Immediately the conversation turns to Leah bitching about Jeremy. She tells Corey about the job Jeremy turned down close to home, and Corey looks like he’s trying his best to not say anything that’s going to be turned into a soundbite for the next episode. But you know he totally wants to call her own her crap.
In Pennsylvania, Isaac arrives to walk Kail down the aisle. She starts to tear up but manages to make it to Javi without breaking down. Isaac takes his job very seriously, telling the officiant he’s the one that gives Kail away. (Cutest moment ever!)
They exchange vows and Kail starts to cry. Isaac whispers “Are you happy, Mommy?” just to be sure they are good tears and not bad tears. How adorable is that? After exchanging rings, they are pronounced husband and wife and they go in for the big kiss. The ceremony goes off without a hitch, and they group for wedding photos and celebrate their happy day.
Next week, Jenelle tells Jace that she’s knocked up, Kail’s mom, Suzi, tells her that she’s coming back into her life, Adam tells Chelsea that he’s taking her to court, and Leah tells her mom that it looks like she’s getting divorced…again.
A note from The Ashley: I figured I’d go ahead and put a disclaimer here to clear something up that has been coming up in the comments a lot lately. I do not hate these girls. Yes, I poke fun at them, but it’s all in good fun. Besides, I make fun of myself for watching these shows more than I make fun of anyone. Don’t take things so seriously!
To read The Ashley‘s recap of last week’s episode, click here!
Omg, first time this whole season Kail actually managed to smile and be happy. I thought she was going to be all negative during the ceremony too. I dont understand why shes so bitter and hateful, she has the most adorable little son ever, another one on the way, a loving husband that puts up with her tantrums all the time, a house, MTV paychecks… Shes starting to annoy me more this season than Chelsea (and thats hard to achieve).
I wish you would have shown a picture of the “Pocahontas” person cuz I don’t remember that person. I love to read you recaps! Hilarious and entertaining!!!
“Except for Pocahontas, of course, who has likely spent the morning pruning his braids to perfection.”
I laughed way too hard at this.
I make fun of myself for watching this show too. And I always read these despite watching the episode because your recaps are great. I find myself laughing and smiling at this. Please keep these up (:
I agree with others that I can’t stand the way Leah feeds her kids. Just typical uneducated southerner picking up junk from Walmart – all processed, all preservative laden, and just about the worst possible choices for a child with a muscular disorder. I think most people think skinny=healthy and Leah is thin, but that doesn’t mean she is healthy.
I was so irked by the idea of Kail being “nervous” to kiss her already husband and father of her unborn child at their fake wedding. They were already married, I just think the whole to do for their 2nd wedding was dumb. It just screams “I need external validation to feel that my relationship is real”. Grow up already… I would understand hosting a dinner and doing vow renewals in front of family since the first was rushed, but a whole fake wedding? What??!
I think Dawn nailed it. It’s like Jeremy just woke up one day and realized that he has a baby, and 2 step daughters, and a mortgage, and pretty soon a horse farm. He seems so out of it sometimes, almost makes me wonder if he and Leah ever truly had time to get to know each other for realsies! And I’m with the Ashley, I don’t hate these girls either, just resent the hell out of them!
The stuff Leah feeds her kids really irk me. I mean I understand you can’t always take time away from sitting on your ass and complaining about anything and everything.
But especially with a child with special needs you would think she would take extra care of nutrition. It can make all the difference to stuff your kid with processed chemical food or actually give her something that has the nutrients to help her brain and muscles.
Sorry if it sounds judgmental but I suffer a similar disease and was in a wheelchair. Then did a lot of research on food and now I am out of it and can actually live a little and nearly pain free.
How is that poor child supposed to walk down the isle if she doesn’t get proper nutrition to actually help her body do just that. Food is the best non intrusive medicine she could give that little girl.
Ok rant over.
That bothers me too. I know watching those 3 kids at home is like a full time job-and I respect that. But I have a full time job too with lots of overtime and I still have time left over to roast a chicken breast and some broccoli.
Good food doesn’t have to be complicated.
Ashley, I knew you would make the most of the kid’s lunchable comment! So funny!