Get your bottle of lube ready because it’s time for another episode of Bachelor in Paradise! We are coming down to the final weeks, and couples are starting to make “lifelong” connections (because, you know, some STDs last forever.)
Last week, Cody declared his undying love for Michelle, which has freaked her out a little. She wants to slow things down a little but Cody doesn’t really understand what’s wrong. He thinks that he needs to come on even stronger to make Michelle love him, but she’s not feeling it.
A date card arrives for Marcus, who of course, takes Lacy on the date. After Lacy piles on a fresh layer of Wet ‘n’ Wild bright blue eyeshadow, she heads off with Marcus. They are taken to some sort of nature center. (“I think it’s a dinosaur park!” Lacy says. I’m praying she’s joking but, unfortunately, I highly doubt it.) Luckily they don’t run into any T-rexes and make it safely down into a cave.
The cave is full of those “thingys,” which a producer informs Lacy are stalagmites and stalactites. I’m fairly certain Lacy continues to call them “Sta-lag-tits” throughout the entire date. They hop into the water and Lacy is scared because she doesn’t know what will “touch her underneath.” Um, basically everything–and everyone—has touched Lacy “underneath.”
All of a sudden, Lacy and Marcus realize that there are hundreds of bats in the cave with them. They run out screaming but honestly, the bats don’t want to bite them. Even they don’t want to catch whatever creepy diseases these people are carrying.
Marcus says that this is the romantic dream he had hoped for with Lacy. Yes, nothing says love quite like blood-sucking flying rodents!
Later, Marcus and Lacy are able to relax and drink cocktails. Lacy has yet to say “I love you” back to Marcus, but she finally tells him that she’s…falling in love with him. (That’s the cheap way to say “I love you” in ‘Bachelor’ World.) Marcus looks…thrilled.
Back on the island, Cody is busy literally lifting rocks while Michelle cries to Jesse that Cody loves her too much. Wait—wasn’t this biotch just crying an episode or so ago that no one will ever love her and that she doesn’t get any attention?!
Michelle is feeling smothered, since Cody the Rock Boy has already told her he loves her and she can’t even remember his last name. She’s jealous of Lacy and Marcus’ relationship because, you know, Lacy actually likes Marcus and Marcus doesn’t bench press her.
Just as Sarah is proclaiming her love for Robert, her ‘Bachelor’ crush, Brooks Forester, strolls up. This makes Sarah angry, of all things, because Brooks makes her loins quiver, and that may mess things up with Robert. Brooks, of course, comes armed with a date card and is drawn to Sarah. Robert, as a true gentleman, immediately puts his arms around Sarah and makes an “X” across her chest, basically telling Brooks this is his property. Sarah, however, is hoping Brooks will ask her on the date.
A few of the guys take Brooks aside and fill him in on which vaginas are still up for grabs. Robert threatens Brooks’ life, telling him that he will be killed if he asks out Sarah. “That’s my bae,” Robert says, causing every person in America to start to upchuck their dinner. Cody, meanwhile, is off leg pressing Chris Harrison, but luckily, no one else wants Michelle so he doesn’t have to worry.
Sarah tells Graham that her best defense against Brooks’ man-parts is to just not look at him. Brooks wants to ask Sarah out but he pusses out and asks Jackie instead. She accepts, and goes to get ready for her date, while Sarah pouts as she realizes she’s stuck with Robert.
Jackie arrives wearing her fancy headband and white sundress (Isn’t it nice when you can rewear your Coachella outfit, OMG!?) Sarah is just sick with jealousy and keeps flashing Robert these totally disgusted looks.
Jackie and Brooks go downtown and head to–where else? Casa Banana! They sit down to dinner and Jackie is all ready to bust out her 10th grade Spanish (“Coma esto senior!”) when Brooks just starts speaking perfect Spanish. That, along with Brooks’ “quick wit” make Jackie swoon, since most people she dates tend to, well, bench-press rocks.
Brooks is enjoying looking at Jackie, and even admits that he hasn’t been listening to whatever the hell she’s rattling on about.
Back at home, Zack is upset that Jackie, who is his “girl” apparently, went out with Brooks. He’s wondering what’s happening on their date. (Well, judging by how Brooks acts, I’d assume they are probably drinking white wine spritzers and discussing which nail colors are “totes adorbs.)
Brooks is trying to win a kiss in a game of foosball, but Jackie says that she “doesn’t really kiss on the first date.” (Except for with Marquel…and Jesse…and Zack..and whoever else has crawled into her hut over the last few days.) A rowdy group of Mexican townspeople gather and chant until she lays the world’s saddest kiss on him.
When they come home, Zack is sad as he listens to them describe how much fun they had on their foosball date. (I’m fairly certain he thinks that “playing foosball” is a euphemism for some completely raunchy sex act. Little does he know that they actually did play foosball and stare at each other.)
After Jackie leaves, Brooks is sitting on the couch with Sarah, who stretches out and tries to lounge all sexy. (“Draw me like one of your french girls, Jack!”) Meanwhile, Brooks is singing show tunes from the musical Oklahoma but Sarah fails to notice. Just when she decides to pursue a relationship with Brooks and dump Robert, she gets a note from Robert, telling her how much he digs her. He asks her to meet him on the beach for some romance.
She meets up with Robert, who tells her that he wants to date her “in the real world.” For some reason, that makes her loins instantly stop quivering for Brooks, and makes her realize that Robert is the one for her. Wait, what?! I’m so confused. They really do need to mail out handouts to help us viewers follow along.
On the other side of the beach, Michelle is trying to explain to Cody why he’s freaking her the f**k out. She tells him that he’s coming on too strong, and Cody says that he’s a “relationship virgin” so he doesn’t know how to deal with girls. (I’m not exactly shocked that Cody has never had a girlfriend.)
Michelle tells Cody that she loves…his honestly and that she loves…his openness. But just not him. She asks him to “be patient” with her, which is basically just a nice way of saying, “I will force myself to love you eventually because no one else wants me.”
“You’re the bestest!” Cody declares after Michelle’s long-winded chat.
Meanwhile, Christy says that the fact that Jesse is always jamming his tongue down her throat means that he’s “such a good guy.” She’s going on and on about how he’s the kind of guy every girl dreams of, all while Jesse is bragging about having doinked both Christy and Lucy. Michelle, of course, has to be the one to tell Christy that Jesse isn’t the stellar guy she thought she was.
Christy, who is already in her bra preparing for some Jesse lovin’, is shocked to hear what Michelle tells her about Jesse. She declares him a douchebag (but probably still bones him on an air mattress that night.) Christy says that she wants to go home because there’s no one there for her but, you know, she’s going to leave that in God’s hands.
Just then, Tasos (the
gay guy from Andi’s season) arrives. Jesse tells us that “Taco” is not a threat to him and his threesomes. He pulls Michelle aside and Cody is scared that his “bro” is going to steal his girl. Graham is worried that Cody will literally eat Tasos if he asks Michelle out. Luckily, he doesn’t want to date Michelle because she’s a girl she’s with Cody, but he asks her advice on who to ask out. Michelle suggests Christy. (Hopefully she can remove all of Jesse’s man gunk from her lady parts before they leave.) Since it’s probably against the house rules for Taco to ask Brooks out, he agrees to go with Christy.
They head out on a motorboat (Up until this point, Jesse has been the only one “motorboating,” if you know what I mean.) They stop and jump off the boat to go relax in the water. It’s a natural lazy river, and I’m praying that they end up covered in leeches, just because, well I guess I’m just a bad person.
They feed each other grapes as they watch turtles swim. Meanwhile, Christy is crisping in the sun like some of Colonel Sanders’ finest. She’s redder than Cody’s face after he bench-presses a bunch of boulders.
Back at home, the gang is busy playing beach games. Jackie and Brooks are playing “HORSE” on the beach. Zack is having a hard time watching his “girl” hang out with Brooks. Later, however, a date card arrives for Zack. He’s thrilled because this will be a chance for him to win back her affection.
Meanwhile, Graham is worried at how AshLee will react when she realizes she doesn’t get to go on the date. Because AshLee acts like a 14-year-old girl at all times, she’s acting all pissy. Graham, however, actually looks kind of relieved that he doesn’t have to go out with AshLee. She throws a hissy-fit and several of the other girls call her a spoiled biotch. AshLee says that she’s upset “for Graham” that he didn’t get a date and that she’s concerned he’ll be sad.
Hold up– AshLee didn’t give two craps when Graham was on death’s door at the rose ceremony and had to have a production guy hold him up, but now that he didn’t get a date card, she’s all concerned? Well, that makes sense.
Zack and Jackie leave on their date and head to a “magical cave.” They strip down and Zack says he wants to take that “next step” with Jackie (i.e. see if she’ll give him his first underwater BJ). They swim along and the cave they’re in looks awful familiar. Didn’t Jackie go there with Jesse and, well, basically everyone else on Gonorrhea Island?
They get out of the water and have some margaritas and Zack rambles on about how Jackie’s a “breath of fresh air to him.” He specifically mentions that one of the things he likes most about Jackie is that she’s normal, obviously a swipe at his former “girlfriend,”crazy Clare.
They start awkwardly dancing in the water (with no music, mind you) and finally Zack decides to go in for the kiss. Jackie responds by jamming her tongue down Zack’s throat. Good thing she doesn’t kiss on the first date….oh, wait.
The next night is the rose ceremony, and Brooks is feeling sad that he missed out on some good times
with Tasos. Jesse declares that he accomplished his goal of drinking free drinks, getting a free vacation and squeezing as many boobies as possible. The girls, however, all basically think Jesse is a sleazeball.
Since the women are giving out roses this week, a few of the guys are nervous that they will go home. Brooks, Tacos, Jesse and Zack are on the bubble this week, with Christy and Jackie being the only two girls that aren’t attached to a guy (and, yes, I mean that both figuratively and literally). Zack makes it very clear to Jackie that he likes her. In fact, he gives her a friendship bracelet that he made some production kid go fetch for him.
Brooks then steals Jackie and tells her (in his best Michael Jackson voice) that it’s now time for them to paint each other’s nails. NO.Seriously. That wasn’t even me making a gay joke. He actually said that. Well, gel nail polish is always the best way to a girl’s heart.
Meanwhile, Christy tells Taco that she wants to do things differently with him than she did with Jesse. So, basically, she’s going to wait until the second date to bone him. Taco is still trying to woo Christy when Jesse steals her away. He tells us that he has no interest in “dumb blond” Christy but he needs her to give him a rose so that he can stay on the island and bone more girls with bad weaves.
He tries to pretend that he likes her but even Christy sees through it. “I don’t wish for this to go any further,” she tells him, before bringing up the fact that he boinked Lucy.
Even though Jesse has declared, “”I’m not like a quitter!” he decidesto leave, mostly because he knows he isn’t getting a rose from any of the girls because they all hate him. He says that he’s done everything that he wanted to do on the island, so it’s time for him to scram (before the next herpes outbreak surfaces).
As Jesse is hugging everyone goodbye, Lacy and Michelle are pumping Christy up to go confront Jesse in an act of feminine rage. They are ready to charge Jesse and pummel him with girl power. (Brooks is probably super bummed that he wasn’t allowed to be a part of the girl power moment.)
They confront Jesse right before his limo is about to pull away. Christy calls Jesse a “coward” and she confronts him for running his mouth about all of their sexcapades and for leaving because he knows he’s not getting a rose. Jesse denies that he’s a coward, but doesn’t seem sorry at all about his behavior. Just as Christy is starting to break down, Lacy steps in to tell him how disrespectful he is. Jesse is doing his best not to insult the three Spice Girls, but you can tell this is making him very angry.
Michelle is next to take a whack at Jesse, calling him cruel. “Maybe all you wanted was a good time here,” Michelle said. Um…isn’t that the point of this show? There will be no fun of any kind, people! Not while Michelle’s on board!
Let me get this straight– Lacy, the same girl that literally straddled two different men in the ocean on the first date, is angry that Jesse took multiple girls on dates? Really? REALLY?! Hush it down, Marsha Brady.
The three girls tell Jesse that he’s a sleaze for kissing and telling, and then do tequila shots to celebrate their girl power moment. (Christy, of course, licks her salt off the shot glass seductively.)
Finally it’s time for the roses to be handed out. Since Jesse left, only one guy will be going home brokenhearted.
Lacy gives her rose to Marcus, of course, and AshLee gives hers to Graham. She tells us that their romance is getting stronger every day, and that they will clearly be together after they leave the island. Yes, I’m sure Graham will come visit you in your padded room in the looney bin.
Sarah gives her rose to Robert, and Michelle picks Cody. She tells him how much she likes him. So…now we’re all doing speeches? Can’t you guys just give out the flowers and get a move on it?
Christy presents hers to Tasos, and it’s down to Jackie. She has to choose between Brooks and Zack, both of which she went on a date with this week. Brooks says he doesn’t know where he stands with Jackie. Well, you had one date, a kiss on the cheek and one painted nail. I think that makes you Girl Scout troopmates.
Jackie gives her rose to Zack, which leaves Brooks brokenhearted. He can’t believe that Jackie didn’t feel what he felt. He gets into the Pity Limo, and starts to tear up as he tells us that he wishes he could have felt love. He says he feels that this is a missed opportunity for love. Don’t worry Brooks, you can call Tasos when you get home!
Chris Harrison comes back out and tells everyone that this was actually the last rose ceremony and that everything is about to change during the last week in Paradise. DunDunDun…
Next week, Chris says the relationships will be put to “the test” and there will be a dramatic ending that none of us will see coming. Will Chris will make them get married or see their “beloved” eaten alive by bats? We’ll have to wait until next week to see how it all ends!
To read The Ashley’s recap of last week’s episode, click here!