‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 5B Finale Recap: Speed-Dating & Seeking Custody

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“Speed date me!”

Well, kids, we made it to the end of the never-ending fifth season of Teen Mom 2. This episode aired a little while back, but The Ashley was in Canada at the time (it’s America’s hat!) and was unable to recap. However, she got so many requests from readers for a finale recap, that she decided to hunker down and do it.

Anyway, this season has been full of drama, as per usual, and tonight everything will come to a head, so it’s bound to be good! On with the show!

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I miss this….

The episode kicks off in Delaware, where Kail is excited because Isaac is about to come home from Jo’s house. Things have been tense between Kail and Jo because of a fight they recently had. Jo talks about what happened during a trip to the park with Isaac and his girlfriend Vee. (Is anyone else kind of disappointed in how Vee is dressing this season?  No tank tops with exposed bra straps? What is this life?!?!)

Jo says that he and Kail had an argument over a haircut Jo wanted to give Isaac. (They show a photo but you can’t really tell what it is that they did to Isaac’s head.)

Jo shows Vee some texts from Kail in which Kail begs Jo not to cut Isaac’s hair that way, saying that he’s too young for that look and too white. Vee says that Kail’s statement is in the Top 5 Most Ignorant Things Kail has ever said. 

"That Ziggy word-of-the-day calendar is sure coming in handy!"
“That Ziggy word-of-the-day calendar is sure coming in handy!”

Anyway, Jo says that Kail’s comment was “ignorant, racial and stereotypical.” He wants an apology from Kail.

Next we hop over to South Dakota, where Chelsea says she’s “frustrated that Adam keeps getting arrested.” I mean, dontcha just hate when that happens. I just love that we watch a show where that statement is a totally normal statement to be uttered by one of the stars. ‘Merica!

To take Chelsea’s mind off of Adam, Other Chelsey suggests that they try speed….dating. (Wait, isn’t that basically what every girl on this show does already? They date someone for like two months and then marry them/move in with them/have a kid with them?)

Other Chelsey said that their friend Tiffany wants to go, even though it’s in Minnesota. Since Aubree will be with Adam’s parents that weekend, and the speed dating place allows drinking, Chelsea agrees to go. She knows that she’ll have to change out of her Viccy Secret sweats and brush her hair, right?

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I imagine this is the look Jeremy rolls over and sees every single night.

In West Virginia, Leah goes to lunch with her cousin Chastity. (Where did this chick come from? Did she just move up from the holler or something? All of a sudden she’s in every single episode. I think Leah only keeps her around because Chastity is willing to listen to Leah blab about how evil Corey is and because she lets Leah spray paint her face on the regular.)

Anyway, Leah talks about how nervous she was in court. The judge ruled that Corey has to pay $800 a month in child support and that Leah won’t lose custody unless she makes Ali miss therapy. Leah said she’s still shocked that Corey tried to hurt her with the custody issues, and that now she can’t trust him “no more.”

Finally, we swing over to South Carolina, where Jenelle and Nathan are taking care of their newborn son, Kaiser. Jenelle tells us that she and Nathan have been doing well with Kaiser, and that they now feel confident that they can take on even more responsibility. (Apparently the fact that they didn’t forget their son at a Chevron station, and they remembered to feed and water him means they can handle having a whole other kid around?)


Jenelle meets up with her friends at the House ‘o’ Pancakes. (Why are her friends both dressed in pink and looking like they’re all suited up for the local Juvenile Detention Center’s Sadie Hawkins dance?) She tells them that she is planning to ask her mother Barbara for custody of Jace, because keeping her son Kaiser alive for a week obviously proves that Jenelle is now a responsible adult.

Back over at Corey’s humble abode, the twins are playing with Miranda, so Corey and his dad Jeff talk about the court date. Corey tells his dad that he’s frustrated with the custody arrangement and that he will try again to get more time. Miranda is planning to go to Ali’s upcoming doctor’s appointment with Leah, which should be interesting. Maybe Miranda can give Leah some hair and makeup tips during the drive to Ohio? Just sayin’….

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Apparently people get all fancy when they go to Ohio hospitals?

Later, Leah and her mom Dawn take the girls to Ohio for Ali’s doctor’s appointment. Leah tells her mom, who, for some reason is curling her hair like she’s Honey Boo Boo, that the insurance has approved Ali’s wheelchair. Leah piles her litter into the car and they head to the hospital, where they meet Miranda. It’s quite the crowded room by the time the doctor arrives, what with Ali, Leah, Leah’s mom, Miranda, Aleeah and, of course, the ‘Teen Mom’ film crew. They measure Ali for the chair and everything stays calm between Leah and Miranda.

It's all hugs and kisses until someone brings up the "thug cut."
It’s all hugs and kisses until someone brings up the “thug cut.”

Over in Delaware, Isaac is coming home and Kail and Javi are going to pick him up from Jo. They all meet at a park and Kail is thrilled to see Isaac. Jo is holding Lincoln (??) and everyone’s acting all happy to see each other, but when Jo ries to bring up the haircut issue Kail is having none of it.

The next day, Kail agrees to meet up with Jo to talk about the issue. (Did you know that MTV wanted the conversation on camera so bad that they actually rented Jo a car so he could drive to Delaware and confront Kail?! Click here to read what really happened behind the scenes in the days leading up to this conversation and haircut issue!)

They meet up at some restaurant/museum/house place and Jo talks about how much he loved having Isaac at his house. Kail seems to know what Jo is going to talk about, and seems upset that Jo is bringing up the hair issue yet again. Kail explains that she doesn’t like that Jo changes how Isaac looks, dresses and acts when he goes over there, and that Isaac looks like a thug when he’s with Jo. Things start getting tense and Kail gets angry and leaves.

The line forms right over here, gentlemen...
The line forms right over here, gentlemen…

Meanwhile, Chelsea, Other Chelsey and Tiffany have all doused themselves in spray tanner, in attempt to woo the Minnesota speed-daters with their orange skin. (As you do.) They pile into Chelsea’s OrangeMobile and head east. Other Chelsey won’t stop talking about going outside “their box” and it’s really distracting. I mean, I know she’s not talking about that kind of “box” but The Ashley has the mind of a 14-year-old boy so….

Anyway, the girls are trying to figure out what kind of guys they like. All three girls have ruled out the “Abercrombie model type” and Chelsea declares that she enjoys her men “dirty.” Well, Adam’s three-days-unwashed wife beaters and positive STD test certainly help him fit that bill!

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“I want my hair to be higher than Kieffer on a bender!”

Chelsea says that she is wary of guys that already have kids, and that she will ask about the guy’s custody arrangement while on the speed date. While it’s certainly a good idea for Chelsea not to hop into a relationship with another Adam-like loser that’s spreading his seed all over the Midwest, Chelsea may scare off a guy if the first thing she wants to know is how much child support he owes.

That night, it’s time for all of the speed-dating fun. The girls get their hair all teased up for the occasion, and, after snapping a few “speed-dating selfies” they set off to meet the Minnesota men of their dreams, or as Chelsea so eloquently puts it, their “future f**k buddies.” Aww, Randy must be so, so proud right now.

For some reason, the place hosting the speed-dating event looks like a castle dungeon, and most of the people attending look like something you’d find in a castle dungeon. Chelsea’s first guy is Ty. I can’t concentrate because Ty looks exactly like the guy that Lisa Turtle dated on that episode of ‘Saved By the Bell’ where she tried to act all smart and stuffy to impress a guy. (Don’t tell me you don’t remember, “What is art? Are we art? Is art art?”)

At left is Brian from Saved By the Bell. At right is Chelsea's date, Ty. Same guy, right?!
At left is Brian from Saved By the Bell. At right is Chelsea’s date, Ty. Same guy, right?!

Anyway, Ty tells her he’s going to school “to be an author” (Um?) and that he usually says douchey things like “You have really pretty eyes.” Next, a guy that looks about Randy’s age sits down and tells Chelsea his name is Adam. Chelsea pretends that the fact that his name is Adam is the only reason she wouldn’t date him, but we all know his bald spot, beer belly and beardstache are also playing a big part. Wait, actually, that just kind of described her baby-daddy Adam, so maybe this new Adam has a chance!

The girl on the right be hatin'...
The girl on the right be hatin’…

Is anyone else enjoying watching the chick directly behind Chelsea? She’s the most interesting thing about this entire scene. At one point she just looks right at the camera with a smug-ass look on her face, appearing to be happy that Chelsea is only getting weird guys. Oh, girl, I see you back there!

After the dating is over, Other Chelsey is still talking about her damn “box.” She says that she likes her box better than she likes those guys. Well, I think Farrah Abraham can help you with that, Chels. She’s got a great assortment of toys for you to enjoy “your box” on your own! They vow to never speed-date again and go try to drink away the shame of the night.

The next day, Chelsea arrives home and finds out that Adam is, once again, in jail. Randy comes over and Chelsea tells him what a disaster speed-dating was. Randy pulls out Adam’s legal records and finds out that Adam will be in jail for several days. Most of his charges from his big accident have been dismissed (WTF!?) which makes Chelsea unhappy.

That joke is just too easy...
That joke is just too easy…

In Carolina, Jenelle is nervous because she’s anticipating a fight with Barb over the custody of Jace. Nathan says that he’s not planning on saying anything to Barb (hahaha) and will just be there for moral support.

Jenelle asks Jace if he wants to live with her and Nathan and Jace straight-out says no. When reminded by Jenelle that he had previously said he did want to live there, Jace just starts saying “Yes” to every question. “It’s a tough decision,” Nathan tells Jace. UM!?!? It’s a tough decision that a four-year-old shouldn’t have to make! Honestly, Jace is probably just scared that if he lives with Nathan, he’ll be forced to wear neon green wetsuit tops until he turns 18.

"I think you're all nuts, to be honest!"
“I think you’re all nuts, to be honest!”

They arrive at Casa de Babs, and Jenelle brings up the fact that she’s a stable parent now. Babs says that she’s had Jace since he’s “been bo-aahn” and moving might be devastating for him. Babs doesn’t want Jace to feel like he’s being evicted from her house. (This, of course, brings back the fond memories of when Babs kicked out Jenelle during Season 1. Who could forget, “Get ouuuut! Get ouuuut! Ya outta he-ah!”)

Babs has some requirements she wants Jenelle to fulfill before handing over custody of Jace. First, she wants Jenelle to get a house “with a yaaahrd”, figure out Jace’s school situation and somehow get Nathan to stop slinging back a “sixer” a night.

Of course, Nathan doesn’t want to talk about his drinking, but it’s a valid point. Nathan instantly jumps on Babs, saying that she’s putting him down and never wants to give Jenelle custody of Jace. Babs tries to explain that isn’t the case at all, but, of course, Nathan won’t listen. He makes fun of Babs’ speech (and, might I add, does a horrible impression of her accent!) and storms out like a five-year-old.

"At least ya not HIGH! HIGH! alla the time these days!"
“At least ya not HIGH! HIGH! alla the time these days!”

Jenelle says she feels caught in the middle between her boooooyfriend and her mom. Jenelle has no idea how why Nathan’s behavior has anything to do with her getting her son back. (Um…because you live with him!) Nathan admits that he does sometimes drink too much. Babs starts to talk about how far she and Jenelle have come, and that when Jenelle follows the rules, they can start transitioning Jace back to Jenelle. “Ya a grown up, Juh-nelle, finally,” Babs says. “I can’t believe we finally came this far. I can’t believe it. I thought you were going to be dead.”

It’s a Very Special Moment, guys.

"Does this place have Sour Patch Kids on the menu?"
“Does this place have Sour Patch Kids on the menu?”

Leah arrives back in the WV, and decides to have a meeting with Corey to discuss their issues. They meet at a restaurant and the table looks like it’s been cleaned to eliminate anything that can be thrown. (Safety first!)

They are doing their best to be nice to each other, and Leah explains how bad it hurt her that Corey accused her of being a bad mom. He denies that he thinks she’s a bad mom, but that he wants more time with the kids. The conversation ends civil, with no one heaving a ketchup bottle at their ex. Ho-hum.

The episode ends with a montage of the kids interacting with the moms, and Ali getting her own pink wheelchair.

Will there be a Season 6? All of The Ashley’s sources are saying yes! Stay tuned!

To read another one of The Ashley’s ‘Teen Mom 2’ recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)






6 Responses

  1. This recap is a bit Looooong! Cant wait to see chelseas new man cole on the show, glad jenelle is straightening up! Leah needs to lay off the pills and Stop spending so much $. And kail…the racists….well im glad Jo called her out! Bout time cause she Always calls him out ! Karmas a b*tch and so are you Kail!

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