‘Bachelorette’ Kaitlyn Episode 3 Recap: Sex Ed, Stupid Dates & Sumo Wrestling

Gotta love the cougars standing nearby trying to get a peek of the boys' junk...
Gotta love the cougars standing nearby trying to get a peek of the boys’ junk…

Last week, The Ashley had some very important business to take care of (aka she had a bad headache) so she wasn’t able to recap the previous episode of The Bachelorette. If you missed that episode, you didn’t miss much, except Kupah went crazy, and Kaitlyn made her dudes box for her affection.

This episode kicks off with Kaitlyn trying to act like a bad ass by storming out of the Mansion to confront Krazy Kupah. She asks him why he’s acting like a five-year-old, and Kupah explains that it’s because he knows that he is really a great guy who would make a good match for her. I mean, what woman wouldn’t want a dude that threatens producers, screams and basically does everything but take a big ol’ crap on the Mansion driveway?!

"No need to get the straight jacket; I'll go willingly!"
“No need to get the straight jacket; I’ll go willingly!”

Kaitlyn walks off and Kupah mumbles that he doesn’t like her anyway because she has chlamydia and she’s ugly. Good one!

They bring the reject van to collect Kupah, while Kaitlyn goes into a candlelit room to pretend like she’s all sad about what’s happened. This makes no sense, of course; shouldn’t she be happy that she saw Kupah’s crazy side before she bedded him in the Fantasy Suite/ocean/ hotel pool?

It’s time for the next Rose Ceremony, and everyone is feeling bad for Kaitlyn. Um…she has to drink wine, flirt with guys and then decide who to give roses to. She’s not making Sophie’s Choice here.

The first rose goes to Jared (and his black eye), then Ben H. and Shawn (the Ryan Gosling look-alike) get roses. Jonathon and Tanner also get flowers, followed by Chris (the cupcake dentist with the shifty eyes). Ryan and Justin are given roses, followed by Ian and Corey.

"Um...can I skip this crap and go straight to 'Bachelor in Paradise?'"
“Um…can I skip this crap and go straight to ‘Bachelor in Paradise?'”

Tony (and his black eye) is nervous that he won’t get a rose, despite his “gentle soul.” Unfortunately for us, she keeps him around, meaning that we will have to listen to his spirit animal mumble jumble for at least one more episode.

Or will we….?

We say goodbye to Daniel and Cory (the single dad). No one really knows who they are anyway, though.

The next morning, several large Asian men (both armed with a stick and a wicked socks-and-sandals combo) sneak into the Mansion to wake the men up. They bang a gong to awake the guys and then take them downstairs. Chris Harrison tells them that the men are champion sumo wrestlers who will be teaching the men how to sumo. JJ says he loves sushi so he wants to go on the date. I just…can’t…

Here's your dose of stereotypical Asian culture for the day...
Here’s your dose of stereotypical Asian culture for the day…

The guys learn that they will have to wear the Sumo “diaper,” and later emerge wearing kimonos to meet up with Kaitlyn. Soon, they strip off the robes to reveal their pixilated butts and other assorted exposed body parts.

They watch the 600 lb. man stretch (as you do) and proceed to try to keep their junk from hanging out of their diapers. All of the guys attempt to charge the wrestlers, but end up getting tossed aside, sweaty, sad and full of shame.

She gets to wear shorts underneath but the guys don't? That seems fair...
She gets to wear shorts underneath but the guys don’t? That seems fair…

Tony, however, is a bit “off balance” today (he must have had an extra Cliff bar today, y’all!) He, too, gets tossed like a piece of Kleenex, and he goes off by himself to pout. He tells Kaitlyn that he’s sorry but he is tired of having to fight people on every date. I never thought I’d say this but…Tony’s right. Why does every date have to involve the guys fighting each other and being humiliated in front of a crowd? It reminds me of  a fraternity pledge week!

Tony asks Kaitlyn why they can’t do something peaceful on a date for once. Kaitlyn says that she thought the sumo wrestling would be fun.

Um…yeah, that’s because you didn’t have to get nearly naked and fight a 600 lb. angry  man.

"How DARE you question me, peasant!"
“How DARE you question me, peasant!”

All of the guys are comforting Kaitlyn. WTF? The night before she told the guys that if they have any thoughts to tell her. Yet, when Tony says what he’s thinking, she throws a tantrum and acts like she’s offended.

Kaitlyn, you’ve been hanging around Kupah too long. You need to lose the ‘tude. Just because a guy doesn’t want to make a fool out of himself in front of a bunch of people doesn’t mean you have to be all pissy toward him.

She parades the other guys into Universal City Walk, an open shopping area in LA, to let them sumo wrestle each other for a crowd of confused tourists. They are forced to disrobe in front of men, children and horny old ladies. JJ and Joe (and his exposed balls) face off first. Jo wins, and then faces off with Clint. He basically just picks Joe up by the balls and throws him, and then proceeds to do that with everyone.

Tony looks like the guy that everyone used to buy pot from in high school, no?
Tony looks like the guy that everyone used to buy pot from in high school, no?

Meanwhile, Tony is discussing why he doesn’t want to be made a fool of by Kaitlyn’s stupid dates anymore. Tony says he’s here for love, but he is tired of these ridiculous man-battles, so he packs his bags (including his bonsai tree, incense and Tom’s of Maine natural deodorant.)

He wants to say goodbye to Kaitlyn, however, so he goes to the hotel where she’s at and pulls a weed from the yard to give to her. He tells her that he’s leaving this “circus” and that if she’s interested in him, to look him up. Kaitlyn isn’t even pretending to be sad about Tony’s departure.

For the record, Tony, you are the MVP of this episode.

That night, the guys who sumo’d head to the hotel for drinks and conversations with Kaitlyn.

After that sumo wrestling date, I’d have to imagine that every chat starts with, “So…I saw your balls today…”

The other dudes should just go home already.
The other dudes should just go home already.

Shawn tells Kaitlyn that he’s fallen hard for her, and then gives her a few of those magical kisses that automatically ensure that he will get a rose. Kaitlyn scurries over to grab the date flower and pins it on his collar. She then basically goes to second base with the dude before heading over to meet the other rejects on the date. Clint, however, hasn’t made any effort to talk to Kaitlyn for the day, but he tells the cameras that he’s enjoying his relationships with the other guys, especially JJ.

The next day, Chris Harrison sends Kaitlyn a note that says that he planned a date for her and Ben Z. She heads over to the Mansion and picks him up and they drive out to a random warehouse. They walk in and see Chris…and a bunch of pickled animals.

They learn that they have to go into a dark room and figure out a way to escape…or something. Apparently Chris H. has filled the room with a bunch of birds and junk and Kaitlyn is scared.

She says that birds are her worst fear and that she’d rather be in a “pit of snakes.”

Um…you were on ‘The Bachelor,’ you’ve basically already done that.

You want something really scary? Put an angry Kupah in the room with them.
You want something really scary? Put an angry Kupah in the room with them.

They walk through the stupid dark room and see some lame Halloween decorations and fake blood and body parts on the walls. (Either Tony went crazy and murdered everyone at the house or Party City had a clearance sale.)

There are dead bugs and live snakes and signs asking them to kiss to get out…or something…

Seriously, this may be the lamest date they’ve done since the Korean K-Pop singing trainwreck a few seasons back. I should get a rose for watching this crap and not changing the channel to watch ‘Full House’ reruns. Seriously.

"This show is so dumb; I can't even watch..."
“This show is so dumb; I can’t even watch…”

Ben Z. says that touching a toilet full of snakes has brought him closer to Kaitlyn. They head back to Kaitlyn’s house to drink wine, eat pizza and sweat profusely. Ben also talks about his mother’s death, which is always a fun topic of conversation to discuss whiles munching on some pepperoni pizza.

The next day, Kaitlyn takes another group of schmucks on a date to a school. She is going to have the guys teach a sex ed class to a bunch of kids. Joshua gets a box of tampons (or “tamp-ins” as he calls them) and has to explain how to use them. Kaitlyn tells us that she wants a guy that knows what he’s doing.

So…apparently Kaitlyn is going to have her boyfriend insert her tampons for her? Seriously, WTF am I watching?!

"Tamp-in insertion wasn't in the show contract, guys!"
“Tamp-in insertion wasn’t in the show contract, guys!”

Kaitlyn tells us that these kids are all child actors, not actual students, but the guys don’t know that. When Josh starts to explain how to insert the tampon into a model, it’s starting to get incredibly uncomfortable.

We already watched a date that had giant Asian men wrestling, one with a toilet full of snakes and now we have to watch this crap? The producers get an F for this episode.

After the miserable sex ed date, the guys and Kaitlyn head over to a hotel  for drinks. Kaitlyn is swooning over Joshua after his “tamp-in” instructional demo, and is surprised to find out that he didn’t kiss a girl until college.

Later, Ben H. takes her to the roof where they do a weird dance-and-kiss sway by the edge of the roof. She then takes Jared back to her room to make out with. She ends up giving Ben the rose, which shocks Jared, who literally is still wiping Kaitlyn’s spit off his face.

Back at the Mansion, JJ and Clint are bromancing HARD. “They’re doing weird stuff,” Joe says. They get into the hot tub and splash around together, and later, Clint serenades JJ by the pool. Clint says that they’ve grown “almost too close” in the room and, well, the shower.

Clint says that he didn’t come on ‘The Bachelorette’ to fall in love with a man but that’s what has happened.

"Hey bro, do you know the song 'Love Don't Come Easy?'"
“Hey bro, do you know the song ‘Love Don’t Come Easy?'”

Sorry…but I smell a hoax…

Now that all of the horrible dates have been completed, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Some of the guys are bummed because they didn’t get to go on a date, while others are feeling confident. Kaitlyn comes into the room wearing yet another tacky sparkly dress, and all the guys swoon over her.

All of the guys, except Clint that is…

He says that he is totally into JJ, and in order to stay he knows he has to get a rose from Kaitlyn. He pretends that he is super into her, and apologizes for being “distracted” this week. He tells us, after kissing Kaitlyn, that he’s not really into her. Later, he tells us that he loves JJ and that JJ has a really “hot” jawline.

Clint is getting excited because he considers himself a “villain” among the other guys.

"Did you seriously just say 'Villains gotta vil?' We can't be friends anymore, bro."
“Did you seriously just say ‘Villains gotta vil?’ We can’t be friends anymore, bro.”

“Villains gotta vil,” he tells JJ.

Seriously, he needs a cannonball to the face for just saying that. Chris Harrison, can we make that happen?

All of the other guys warn Kaitlyn that Clint and JJ are basically being turd-goblins to the other guys. Kaitlyn finally decides to take action.

Next week, JJ and Clint seem to get into some sort of bro argument, and JJ slaps himself (as you do). Also a new guy—Nick Viall from Andi’s season of ‘The Bachelorette’—will appear out of “nowhere.”

(Photos: ABC)

 

 

10 Comments

  1. Hilarious blog! You are the new Reality Steve!! (RS has lost his mojo, by the way, and is sleep walking his way through recaps!)

    You are a great writer and your blog is a lot of fun to read! Keep up the great work!


  2. oh lawd ashley I started watching the bachelor last season with farmer goof just so I can read your recaps (my life’s pretty damn exciting!) and it’s worth sitting through this show just to read these. I laugh hysterically at so many observations you have and the wonderfully worded phrases you use. thank you!!! shifty eyed dentist cupcake! lmaoooo!!! that’s so perfect! you rule!!!


  3. As usual, your recaps are hilarious & make this show even more craptastic–in a great way of course. Also, what did you think of the new UnReal TV Show? It might not be amazing RealityTVCRAP but seems like a parody of these type of dating shows, I personally haven’t seen it yet.


  4. Did anyone else get the irony that she’s terrified of birds, yet she has two big ass bird tattoos on her arm? No? Just me? Okay.

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