‘Teen Mom OG’ Season 6 Episode 1 Recap: Porta-Potties, A Proposal & Pretending to Not Be Pregnant

The new Season 6 cast portrait.... I kid, I kid...
The new Season 6 cast portrait…. I kid, I kid…

Well here we are again, kids. It’s been seven years since we watched these girls squat a kid out of their teenage loins on 16 and Pregnant, and we’re still watching these people squat out kids and make the same bad decisions they made when they were teenagers. Now, however, they’re older and have enough money to basically buy and sell most of us who watch this show. Sigh…

Since it’s a new season, The Ashley will start things off with her regular disclaimer: The Ashley does not hate this show or these girls. In fact, there is probably no one on the planet who likes this crap more than The Ashley (#MakeSeason75HappenMTV), so her recaps are done all in good fun. If you are the type to be offended by recaps that poke fun at reality TV stars, you may want to spin it around right now.

Now that it’s just us degenerates in here, let’s get started! It’s time for the premiere of Teen Mom OG Season 6!

"Not much has changed since last season! All of us are still on the couch...except for Farrah, who's on another planet!"
“Not much has changed since last season! All of us are still on the couch…except for Farrah, who’s on another planet!”

Season 6 kicks off with a recap of what happened last season. Since The Ashley doesn’t want to write about all of the stuff we’ve already seen, she will break last season down like this: a wedding for Catelynn, an oopsie baby for Maci, a litter of dogs (and potential stepkids) for Amber via ever-fertile fiance Matt, and a season’s worth of intense “anti-Christ attitude” from Farrah.

The new episode starts in Texas, where a fresh batch of Porta-Potties is being delivered to Farrah’s home. Once again, the ‘Teen Mom’ film crew will have to go out Farrah’s back door (pun absolutely intended) to use the commode because no butts are permitted to sit on Farrah’s bathroom thrones expect for hers. (We all know poor Michael is probably thrilled to see the portable toilets being delivered for the new season. Since the crew left last year, he’s probably been forced to dig a hole in the backyard when he needs to relieve himself at Farrah’s house.)

"Know your place, peasants!"
“Know your place, peasants!”

The toilets are placed on Farrah’s property, and Producer Larry assures Producer Heather that he and Farrah have talked out their problems from last season. (In other words, he’s stood in front of Farrah and let her yell at him for a while so that she doesn’t stop appearing on this show.) He now feels secure to go back to her house to film a new season.

The crew heads into Farrah’s house, where we find Debra waiting for them. She’s just hit up the sale rack at Charlotte Russe and is ready to show the world that she’s not just a mom, she’s a cool mom! Deb beams with pride (and/or liquid facelift effects) as Farrah explains that she does a podcast in Los Angeles every week.

The scene is really odd because Farrah and Deb are just standing there, casually holding the products they are pushing: Deb is holding her spaghetti sauce while Farrah is showing off a sign for her podcast. (Let’s thank the Baby Jesus that Farrah doesn’t have her other products– the vibrating butts–displayed and buzzing around the room!) No one really comments as to why Deb is just chillin’ in the living room, randomly holding a jar of sauce, which makes it even better.

"I can't believe my bitch of a daughter hasn't even complimented my hair yet!"
“I can’t believe my bitch of a daughter hasn’t even complimented my hair yet!”

The next day, Deb has her hair all braided up like the Swiss Miss Girl on crack and is listening to Farrah (who is sporting the same weird braid, naturally) complain about the engagement ring she bought herself.

According to Farrah, her on-and-off-again boyfriend, the ever-suffering Simon, convinced her to buy herself the ring and told her he’d “get her back later.” Deb looks like she’s not buying the story (or age-appropriate clothes, for that matter), but she doesn’t want to get kicked out of Regina George’s Farrah’s clique so she just shuts her mouth and lets her daughter yap.

"And I was like, 'Whatever...Simon!'"
“And I was like, ‘Whatever…Simon!'”

Farrah bought herself an “amazing quality” 14-carat diamond ring, but has no beau to give it to her. While this behavior may seem odd, we have to remember that this is the same chick who went on Couples Therapy…by herself. Honestly, Farrah should just marry herself. She’s the only person she actually likes.

Meanwhile, over in Michigan, the ‘Teen Mom’ crew is arriving at Catelynn and Tyler‘s house. (They are probably thanking their lucky stars that they were assigned to film Cate and Ty and not relegated to four months of taking dumps in the Porta-Crapper in Farrah’s driveway.)

Catelynn, who is still sporting that damn zebra-print hoodie she wore all last season, is frying up a pan full of processed meat treat for the occasion. The gang is all there– Butch and his girlfriend, Nadine, as well as Tyler and baby Nova.

Cate and Ty are sitting around the living room (in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, naturally), complaining about being bored. Catelynn reveals that she and Tyler are considering moving into another house. Butch, who has spent the better half of his life in a cinder-block cell, can’t imagine why his kids would ever want to leave the castle-of-a-home they live in now.

When you're mad that your stupid house doesn't have an open concept...
When you’re mad that your stupid house doesn’t have an open concept…

“It’s not open enough!” Tyler wails. “I NEED AN OPEN CONCEPT!”

Here’s a concept: Why not open a book once in a while and go to college so that your day isn’t filled with you sitting around whining and talking about what’s happening on Twitter?

Anyway, Tyler tells Cate that the house they want will cost them $73,000 (or in ‘Teen Mom’ terms: four episodes of talking about Carly and her bitch-of-an-adoptive-motha-and-fatha, an episode involving a Butch dilemma and two good crys on the couch opposite of Dr. Drew). The new house will have Tyler’s much-desired “open concept”, new floors, new countertops, plenty of room for more babies, and a hook for Catelynn to hang her zebra hoodie on!

It's no surprise that Matt feels right at home in the middle of a litter...
It’s no surprise that Matt feels right at home in the middle of a litter…

Next we head over to Indiana, where Amber‘s beloved couch is being overrun with dogs (both the literal kind and her fiance, Matt). There are dogs running all over Amber’s house, and they have no problem peeing on the ‘Teen Mom’ crew. (Hey, these people are used to being pissed on; after all, they’ve been working with Farrah for seven years!)

Amber tells us that she and Matt are still planning on getting hitched, despite the fact that Amber recently learned that Matt has spread his seed from sea to shining sea.

"I have to get off the couch to sign those papers?! Hell no! Have Cousin Krystal bring them to me right here...and maybe some White Castle while she's at it!"
“I have to get off the couch to sign those papers?! Hell no! Have Cousin Krystal bring them to me right here…and maybe some White Castle while she’s at it!”

Speaking of kids, Amber and her ex Gary are still working on getting a custody agreement worked out for Leah. Amber said she rejected the last custody proposal because Gary was trying to make her pay back child support for “absolutely no reason.”

Um…isn’t the reason because he was supporting your child back when you were locked up and putting Jolly Ranchers in your shampoo in prison?

Amber says that she will be getting more time with Leah once the custody agreement goes through.

Is a caption even necessary for this photo!?
Is a caption even necessary for this photo!?

Amber and Matt take Leah horseback riding, but things take a weird turn when Matt has to scurry away and use his phone. He calls someone who tells him that– wouldn’t ya know?– there’s another woman coming out of the woodwork who claims that she got pumped and dumped by Matt after marrying him in 2007. As you do.

Matt doesn’t seem all that surprised by the story. (At this point, though, this is just business as usual for our favorite baby-maker. We’ve finally found someone who has more soulmates and fertility than Jenelle Evans!)

The horse be like... "You want me to just go ahead and kick him for ya, Amber?"
The horse be like… “You want me to just go ahead and kick him for ya, Amber?”

The person tells Matt that the story will be coming out soon, but Matt takes it all in stride. He continues with the horseback riding, and all of a sudden Amber gets nervous when her horse starts going too fast.

“Mine’s trying to run!” she screams of her horse.

The horse is trying to tell you something girl! Run like the wind!

"Life is hard, y'all!"
“Life is hard, y’all!”

Finally, we head to Tennessee to check in with Maci. Things have been busy in Casa de Beer Can since we were last there. Maci and Taylor are running their T-shirt business. (You’d be surprised how many people will sport a plain T-shirt with a weird leather pocket if you slap an MTV reality star’s face on the advertising!) They are also busy raising Bentley and Jayde, not to mention filming with MTV.

Taylor has a special secret. After years of being pressured by Maci into proposing, Taylor has finally broken down and is going to get Maci a ring. He’s going to design the ring himself. (There’s a good probability that Maci’s engagement ring may have one of those creepy leather pockets on it.)

Taylor and Maci will be heading to Los Angeles for official ‘Teen Mom’ business, so Taylor is planning to propose to her there. He wants to do it on the beach, so the producers decide to help him by pretending Maci needs to do an MTV photo shoot.

"How come every time I call Amber I just hear Matt heavy-breathing in the background and dogs barking?"
“How come every time I call Amber I just hear Matt heavy-breathing in the background and dogs barking?”

Back in Indiana, Gary is upset because his custody agreement proposals keep getting rejected by Amber. He says that she’s rejected about 10 proposals and doesn’t seem to have time to fit the court stuff into her busy schedule of getting fake nails, fake lashes and running a couch kennel with Matt. Gary wants Amber to just sign the damn papers, and he’s even wearing a “Just Do It” T-shirt to further stress this point.

Later, Gary calls up Amber to discuss the custody agreement. (Meanwhile, Matt is sitting there looking nervous about having to tell Amber that they’ll need to add yet another limb to their creepy family tree.) Amber assures Gary that she will finally sign the papers.

When you're eating a big ass quesadilla and don't care who's watching...
When you’re eating a big ass quesadilla and don’t care who’s watching…

In Michigan, Catelynn and Tyler are sitting at home, stuffing fried foods into their gullets when Cate declares that she’s going to rejoin Weight Watchers. Tyler is all for the venture, and wants Cate to start ASAP. He starts analyzing the “big ass quesadilla” Catelynn is eating, and says that he “don’t want no heifer for a wife.”

The producer that’s staring at them during this conversation starts to get uncomfortable, knowing that Tyler is going to be raked over the coals by basically everyone who watches this scene. Tyler continues to demonstrate what exactly constitutes a “big ol’ heifer” in his book. He even provides visuals, but Catelynn doesn’t seem to be bothered by the conversation. She just keeps stuffing quesadilla slices into her mouth and giggling.

Thank you for that visual of a "heifer," Tyler...
Thank you for that visual of a “heifer,” Tyler…

Tyler assures Catelynn that he’ll love her no matter how huge she gets. Cate wonders if it’s even worth counting the Weight Watchers points of every “big ass quesadilla” she eats because she suspects that Tyler may want her to shoot a couple more kids out to fill up his “open concept” new house.  Tyler seems to be rethinking that idea because… kids are hard work…and stuff.

"And if any of the 'Teen Mom' crew is listening to this back at my house in Austin, you better not be using my bathrooms!"
“And if any of the ‘Teen Mom’ crew is listening to this back at my house in Austin, you better not be using my bathrooms!”

In Los Angeles, Farrah is doing her podcast. Naturally, the only guests who are willing to appear on this horrorfest are people related to ‘Teen Mom.’ This week, it’s Producer Heather and Producer Larry. (Did anyone actually listen to this podcast before it was cancelled? Well, anyone other than Deb, I mean?)

We are treated to hearing Farrah (in her “radio voice”) take some calls from her adoring fans. The first caller is a woman named Angie, who is basically The Ashley’s new hero. Angie asks Larry why the hell he lets such a narcissistic Porta-John like Farrah be on a show to represent young mothers. Farrah makes a weird blowjob joke and does a toast to Angie and all of the other people who hate her.

Heather says that people shouldn’t be so judgmental of Farrah. Um…isn’t that the point of this whole damn show? We watch these girls do dumb things, judge them, and then everyone makes money. Wash, rinse, repeat. What’s the problem?

"Where did I go wrong? Oh...yeah, the Butch years...that's it..."
“Where did I go wrong? Oh…yeah, the Butch years…that’s it…”

In Michigan, Tyler heads to see his mom, Kim. Her house is full of mystical objects, like massage chairs and stained glass windows and whatnot. (Perhaps Ty can ask her to decorate their new “open concept” home?)

Tyler tells his mom that he and Cate are thinking about having another baby, even though Cate is obviously not ready to do so, because she’s struggling with depression and anxiety. Kim looks like she’s seen a ghost. It’s almost like she can’t believe how dumb her kids can be at times.

"You call you're wife a heifer just once and you never live it down! Geeez!"
“You call your wife a heifer just once and you never live it down! Geeez!”

Next, the topic of Catelynn’s weight comes up, and Tyler admits that he is nervous that he’ll be stuck with a “heifer” as a life partner, especially if Catelynn keeps popping out kids. He vows to tell Catelynn that she’s fat in a more sensitive way from now on, though.

In LA, Farrah and Simon are house-hunting, even though they’re not technically together and Simon obviously can’t stand the woman. Farrah, for some reason, is all suited up like Janet Jackson on tour, circa 1992. She must have borrowed the sparkly bustier from Deb.

"I can't wait to spread misery all over the West Coast!"
“I can’t wait to spread misery all over the West Coast!”

Farrah looks less-than-thrilled with the first property, which is really no surprise considering she hates, well, everything. Later, Farrah tells Simon that she will be hiring some poor au pair to take care of Sophia while she’s off hawking her butts, podcasts and other assorted products.

Simon pretends to be excited that Farrah will be moving closer. Farrah, of course, just keeps running her mouth and refuses to let Simon talk at all. Again, business as usual.

Later, Farrah tells us that she’s going to be shooting a scene for an independent horror film. (Shockingly, she’s not referring to her famous “Backdoor” adult film, which may be the scariest thing ever recorded.) She phones in some “mom time” to Sophia and then proceeds to shoot the movie.

"And the best thing about this kid is he isn't mine... right?"
“And the best thing about this kid is he isn’t mine… right?”

In Indiana, Cousin Krystal has invited Matt and Amber over to her house. They’ve allowed Matt to take care of Krystal’s new baby, but he seems to have no clue what he’s doing, despite the fact that he has more kids than the Duggar family. (Krystal even  jokes about this, which is basically awesome.)

Amber tells us that she’s tired of people making jokes and stories about Matt’s cornucopia of illegitimate and abandoned kids because…it’s not that bad, anyway. I mean, everyone’s fiance has a bunch of scorned ex-wives and kids they have never met…right?

Amber says that watching the last season of ‘Teen Mom’ depressed her so much that she couldn’t get out of bed. (Luckily, she’s now over that and moved back to her normal position on the couch.) Amber says she’s had to get on anti-depressants to deal with all of the stress stemming from Matt’s child support cases.

Meanwhile, Maci and Taylor are in LA. Naturally, he’s sporting one of his super-cool shirts, and is planning to propose today. They drive to the beach for a supposed photo shoot, and Maci seems to have no idea that her proposal dreams are about to come true. She’s sporting a uncharacteristically large camo jacket. Hmm…I wonder why?

Maci is totally cussing Taylor out in her mind for not proposing to her yet...
Maci is totally cussing Taylor out in her mind for not proposing to her yet…

Anyway, they ask Taylor to get in a few photos. They are taking pictures together and you can just see that Maci’s totally thinking, “These should be engagement pictures. Too bad this jerk-wad don’t propose!”

Suddenly, Taylor drops to his knee and asks her to marry him. Of course, Maci accepts, and then just flat-out says, “Finally!” Ahh, the romance!

UM!?!?!?!?
UM!?!?!?!?

Maci celebrates her engagement by waving her ringed finger around and jumping into the air for a photo. Of course, Maci has “no clue” she’s pregnant at this point, but there is a completely noticeable baby bump popping out of her jacket during this scene. Nice try, MTV! Are we supposed to pretend we don’t see Maci’s giant bump lurking under there? Seriously, the Three Blind Mice could see that baby bump, girl!

Maci goes back to the studio to announce that she’s engaged and all of her ‘Teen Mom’ co-stars are thrilled for her. Amber and Catelynn are congratulating Maci and Taylor, while Taylor is just slugging champagne straight out of the bottle (as you do). Maci suspiciously avoids drinking, even though at this point she has “no clue” she’s pregnant. Mmm-hmmm!

Everyone is very excited for Taylor and Maci. Even Farrah pops her head in to congratulate the couple.

“Now we need to make more babies too!” Catelynn yells.

Um…well, Maci has that basically covered. Just you wait…

Bentley is so adorable!
Bentley is so adorable!

Maci is excited to tell Bentley her big news. They see him at the hotel, and she announces the engagement to the whole cast and crew. Bentley is so happy that he’s crying, and it’s incredibly sweet. You can tell that he just loves Taylor, and is thrilled when Taylor asks him to be the best man. Meanwhile, Ryan is just lurking in the background, looking creepy as per usual. Perhaps he’s scouting for cats to shoot?

Until next episode!

To read The Ashley’s recaps of other reality TV shows, click here!

(Photos: MTV)

 

 

 

 

97 Comments

  1. Remember when Leah tells Gary Mom sleeps all the time Matt does everything.I would have child services all over that.She wants her,but not to take care of her.She has not changed a bit.Be careful who you trust with your Daughter.Oh yeah a man that doesn’t take of his own.Gary just needs to keep her at least his wife is calm,and seems to care for Leah.It’s Amber that plays her against Gary.Amber has exactly who she deserves,but Leah needs distance from that.Farrah will never have a forever man she only loves herself.She’s selfish,disrespectful,rude,and everything she is now will come back to her through Sophia.I don’t have to listen to you Mom you did porn!


  2. What about Amber and Matt blaming Farrah for being a “habitual line stepper?” I see Amber fixed that problem by buying herself a bigger ring and mixing it with denial. She deserves whatever she gets from Matt. And it won’t be pretty!


  3. I don’t know how the producers that go to these girls houses can stand it. I would have lost my shit by now, getting pissed on by dogs/kids/parents, having to use a porta shitter, having to watch ambie and kiddy molester snuggle on the couch/in public, being treated to Debra walking around with no bra on…etc etc. I’m sure they have had to go to therapy to keep from going ape shit crazy


  4. It made me sick to hear Catelynn talk about having more kids. What kind of mother thinks it’s okay to have someone else take care of your newborn? Don’t have kids if you can’t take care of them yourself!


  5. funny recap. I can see this getting boring quickly. Caitlyn needs to do something (and so does Amber). She seems like a lovely person but Teen mom won’t pay for that lazy lifestyle forever and if you have an addiction/mental health problems you’ve got to stay motivated and have a routine, else you’ll go down the same road again and again.
    as for Tyler, he sounds like an absolute jerk!

    Nice to see Farrah at her usual crazy self, some things never change!


  6. I feel like it’s much worse for Maci to pretend she didn’t know she was pregnant, rather than admit she did…like, the whole point of this show was about how to be responsible with birth control I thought? Now 7 years later, gone full circle, still doesn’t get it?


  7. Ugh, Maci, Maci, Maci….it’s obvious that she faced a lot of flack from her family as well as herself about having a 2nd kid while not married. Now add a 3rd preagnancy? She likely panicked & poor Taylor was likely the victim. Not that I am defending her whatsoever especially her despicable excuse for not being on birth control (“I didn’t think I could get preagnant!”) there was no way that excuse was gonna pass the sniff test again & she knew it. I smelled it the moment she announced her engagement on social media & then followed up with her preagnancy announcement only a few weeks later. My first reaction was, oh now it makes sense why he proposed….as if he really would have done so if she wasn’t having another baby. Not to give any spoilers, but go ahead & fast forward through her scenes for at least the next few episodes. Every single scene with her is some awful script session…specially when she asks Bently if she’s fat. His reaction is priceless….I don’t care if she was embarrassed, but please do not insult this intelligent fan.

    Also, know this was a long one, but Tyler is really starting to turn into a jerk. Not about his ragging on Catelynn’s weight which by the way he could stand to lose some of that friendly newlywed/daddy weight he’s packed on himself, but his attitude about Brandon & Theresa. It’s so indicative of someone who is clearly immature. I always got the sense that once MTV starting doling out the big checks, they are thinking if they knew they were going to come into this money, they definitely would have kept Carly. That’s their real regret, not their decision to place her for adoption in the 1st place & now Tyler acts out like a child & poor Catelynn’s is now suffering from anxiety & depression “outta nowhere!”

    PS-Ashley, love the disclosure over your love/nauseating relationship with these girls. Couldn’t have said it better myself!


    1. Right. No one knew there would be a spinoff with them picked, and coming into all this money. I still don’t think they should have kept her even if they had the money/show. They were both in high school living with their drunk mom/step mom in the picture. Who would have babysit Carly? Chain smoking drunk April? Nah, everything happened just the way God planned it. Carly is safe and sound just where she needed to be.
      I also have a feeling that when the show is over B&T will close the adoption for good, rightfully so. What does Tyler think, they are babysitting Carly while they figure out their plans and then she can come back to them. B&T are better than me because the adoption would have been closed once they went on Twitter bashing them and retweeting nonsense from their fans about kidnapping Carly. No wonder they don’t want their child’s face on tv anymore. Id say it’s time for their lawyer to draw up and cease and desist in terms of what is said on tv from now on


      1. If I were Brandon and Theresa is close down the open adoption, Tyler is a jerk off, as her parents Brandon and Theresa have every right to say what is put out there, t&c are only the birth parents and they need to move on get off their arses and get jobs instead of dwelling on the past, I think the decision they made was very admirable and I used to love these two, now they just piss me off, they’ve done nothing in their lives hat they said they’d do, he’s a mouthy controlling jerk and she is a lazy overweight slacker, I’d never in a million years let April take nova for days at a time ( hell no)
        As for the step brother Nick spouting on Carly’s my niece no love she isn’t ( maybe a half niece by blood) what are they telling this kid for him to think he April and butch have any say in Carly’s life, this adoption was the best thing they ever did, I wouldn’t want K or t’s families anywhere near Carly, the only two that were once worthy of watching this farce of a show, but lately their pissing me off especially Ty.

        Farrah’s just a bitch
        Ambers a lazy addict
        And maci is just an idiot


    2. I think you’re absolutely right! I never thought about it like this….I felt they regretted it but I think you hit the nail on the head with the adoption being the root of Caitlyn’s depression. Now she’s trying to make up for that loss by eating and having more kids. Smh. Even with money, help from her mother and all these opportunities being on MTV has provided, she and Tyler still haven’t gained an ounce of maturity or sense of responsibility or even carved out some kind of path for their lives. I used to really like them when they were full of promises and dreams. They’re just a couple of bums with money now.


  8. 1)This was the episode that Tyler became his father.

    2) Maci. Gurl, please with that big old baby bump. Third baby, your gut will pop ASAP. That was the most painful acting ever.

    3) Good work Amber. No one has stolen your couch. Glad you have Matt to help you with that.

    4) Farrah and Simon. They clearly don’t like each other. That’s sad to me that is the relationship her daughter sees.


    1. I truly believe that Simon is under contract with Farrah, and she pays him to pretend to be her boyfriend. Simon never complements her, tells her he loves her, is never really nice, ect. ..And what is up with these chicks not meeting their serious boyfriends and fiancé’s family?? Farrah was complaining about how she never met Simon’s family, and Amber was talking about how she never met Matt’s family….but these chicks want to marry these men?? I smell desperation and bullshit.


      1. I know! How can you marry someone and never have met your significant others family? That would ring some alarms in my head.


    2. Lmao about Amber and the catch. Yes, she’s keeping it from flying away lol. Matt looks smelly and sketchy, like he hasn’t showered since 2003.


  9. So this is my first time actually seeing Matt and Amber in action and……they just seem like two random people that decided to live together lol. He seems like some random middle age dude who just calls himself her fiance. There’s no chemistry, nothing real between them. Weird. I see what everyone was saying about them.


  10. The Ashley, another website reported that Matt’s tattoo does not say “clean and sober”. In fact it is the name “Lisa.” Any idea who Lisa is? Also, I’m dying to know who’s Twitter handle he has tattooed on himself! (Secretly hoping it’s Farrah’s)


    1. didn’t they say that one of his twitter handles was “Giant Idiot”? LOL….That would be so epic if he had that tatted on him


    2. Big ol’ heifer: I can confirm that tattoo does not say “clean and sober”. I hold a BA degree in Chinese studies and those characters (lì shā) are used to phonetically translate the name ‘Lisa’. Example: Mona Lisa = Menga Lisha. Although the character for ‘li’ is odd, because this ‘li’ means ‘jasmine’, the common character used in lisa is the ‘li’ for ‘beautiful’.


  11. Lol, I was talking about that show with a former L&D nurse in her eighties in the early stages of Alzheimers at my last job (she had awful claustrophobia/anxiety so there would be these half-hour stretches of leaning back against the sink making small talk while she tried to have a bm) and SHE even thought that 80% of those episodes were “I was at least moderately overweight and at least somewhat in denial/really unobservant/unable to follow instructions about birth control and understand that I was using it wrong and how that could lead to pregnancy.” (From experience)
    We DID give a complete pass to the woman (antibiotics on birth control) whose periods were always light spotting or absent for months and had a picture of her in a bikini at about six months gestation. Her mother had told her to shut up about complaing about feeling so bloated and that she was 101 instead of her usual 98. ?


  12. I just don’t understand why Farrah and her anti-Christ attitude are back for another season. She screamed profanity at the whole crew and assaulted a producer. You cannot tell me she is so “talented” or that she has so many “fans” that they would miss her. She lives in her own little world of delusion and this situation did nothing but fan the fire.


  13. This is long, but I have been anxiously waiting for this recap! and I can’t wait for the next one! LOVE them!

    -Maci was not fooling anyone. She needs a Razzie award for that performance.

    -Amber is such an idiot. She knows that Matt is a crappy choice for a husband, but she keeps talking about how she wants people to see why she “loves” him. It’s really pathetic. She’s wasting so much time on this LOSER, and she’s only doing it for selfish pride reasons. Plus I think she feels like she can’t be alone because Gary moved on, got married, had a new baby, and pretty much has his shit together. It’s like she can’t handle the fact Gary has anything better than her, so she’s competing with him….but losing….BIG TIME.

    -This season Debbie is more annoying than Farrah. How they speak to Sophia (Deb especially) is disgusting….and you can tell it’s not helping Sophia mentally develop correctly. Look at how Maci, Taylor, Ryan, and his parents speak to Bentley, and how much more mature Bentley is than Sophia. Maybe that’s why Farrah is the way she is, and is always snapping on her mother…because Deb probably spoke to Farrah in that stupid baby voice until Farrah finally couldn’t take it anymore.

    -Catelynn and Tyler need to get up and do something with their lives. They seem like really nice people but they’re just lazy. That being said, Catelynn needs to lose a few before Tyler actually cheats on her. Tyler is sending her all types of signals…get your weight in check or else I’m not going to be attracted to you anymore…some may think that’s awful, but it happens all the time. Plus Catelynn needs to get healthy…she’s already given herself diabetes when she was pregnant with Nova, “enjoying” her pregnancy. I feel like if her AND Tyler, got ANY type of job…part time, full time, motivational speaking, SOMETHING…that it would motivate both of them to live better. Catelynn especially. It might help with some of her depression.


    1. I agree with most of what you wrote except for this

      “Catelynn needs to lose a few before Tyler actually cheats on her.”

      She prob could lose some weight for health issues not to mention it would help with depression, but if he’s going to cheat if she’s “fat” then he is just going to cheat period. The way he talks to her about her weight is a pretty douche thing to do. If my husband talked like that to me he would be out of my house. I used to like Tyler but I’m really not liking him anymore.


      1. yea…I could definitely see how that might offend some people. Just saying that this is who she decided to marry, and he’s been vocal in what he wants in his wife….now he should be saying “I don’t want no couch potato for a wife, now get up and get a job”…but instead he’s too focused on the physical things. Cate is already very insecure (we all saw how she reacted over some strippers that look like they came out of the back of a garbage truck), and one of her biggest fears that she’s expressed on the show is that Tyler will leave her for someone else. Is he right for picking on her weight? Absolutely not…but she knew what he was about before she married him.


    2. I hate that voice they speak to her in too. As an educator, I can tell you, it’s stunting her development tremendously. She talks like a preschooler and yet she is 7. Unbelievable. As far as Cate and Ty, they don’t do anything but sit around and talk about Carly. No wonder she is depressed. Wallowing everyday over a decision you made 7 years ago! Come on, find something to do. Nothing’s changed much with the crew. It’s like watching TM season 2,4,5 whatever season.


      1. I teach pre k in Montessori and my students generally sound/act older and more mature than Sophia. I can’t imagine that that poor child even has the skills to work in my classroom- emotionally and otherwise.

        It makes me sad to see this child’s potential being squandered by the ones meant to nurture it. That anti Christ attitude is clearly learned and seems to be passed from mother to daughter. Sophia wont be capable of satisfying relationships. Her mother and Deb made sure of that years ago. They’ll all just end up broken and broke, living a bitchier version of Grey Gardens.


        1. My degree is in pre k-4th grade. Ive worked with all of those grades and Sophia seems very much on par with the pre k end of the spectrum. She seems very stunted developmentally. Her behavior and physical speaking voice is very immature. I guess because it isn’t a speech delay, a teacher wouldn’t recommend services but I am pretty sure her teachers know she is socially/emotionally/developmentally lower than her typical peers. I can just imagine Ferret in an IEP meeting


          1. Not to mention, there were no other children to be seen at her birthday party. Was I the only one who found that odd for a 7 year old? She seems to be surrounded only by adults of whom none have the first clue about how to set examples of healthy interactions.


  14. I have watched every single season of Teen Mom and was actually a little sad to see it go in 2012. I was excited for OG to start, but then after watching 1 episode I realized it was the same old same old and I got disinterested. Now, after reading all the comments over the last two years I decided to give OG a go again. (Hate the name, so corny. Why not just keep it, Teen Mom?). Im watching the catch up special now. Wow. I almost forgot about Cate and that ugly, frumpy, stacked bob. What hairdresser who had her best interest at heart told her that ugly, soccer mom, 45 year old suburban mom cut would be flattering for a 16 year old Cate. Yikes!


  15. Damn, Maci’s skin looked rough, what happened? She’s still in her early twenties, shouldn’t look that bad.
    Amber’s beyond help.
    Farrah’s a cartoon character at this point.
    I wish the producers told Cate and Tyler that they have to do SOMETHING (not make a baby) to stay on the show. Then they’d miraculously find something to do.


    1. All the girls look pretty rough these days. I spent the weekend catching up on all the 16 and pregnant episodes and older Teen mom episodes and am honestly shocked at how aged these girls look.


    2. I know! I gasped & said “Geez!!” when they showed her shellacking layers of foundation on her face! That was startling!


    3. Maci gets a pass (or should) on her skin and so forth. She has stated before on one of the catch up/reunions she has PCOS and as someone who is now mid 20’s and diagnosed at 14, She has many of the symptoms I face daily. Her skin has always been plagued with cystic acne, as mine is. It’s not as simple as birth control and a daily skin routine unfortunately.


  16. Farrah is crazy. And not in a haha, that girl is nuts joking way, but is legitimately mentally ill. There’s a slew of personality issues at play here, but I’d venture to guess that she’s got borderline personality disorder as well as narsissitic personality disorder to start. I can’t stand her, but she needs serious help.


    1. Borderline 100%. She is textbook definition. I don’t advocate diagnosing people you don’t know in real life, but we know her background, we know her parents, we know how she was raised and the behavior that has followed. It’s 100% Borderline. Farrah has been diagnosed with eating disorders, got pregnant as a teen, has wild mood swings, desperate for a relationship but pushes everyone away. It is truly sad. 🙁


  17. Ryan scouting for cats!! Hahaha!! This was fantastic. I was laughing out loud at several things and it’s rare that I do that while reading. Also, maci totally knew. I don’t care what she says. Amber needs to run as fast as she can from Matt. Their relationship is as impossible to last as her and Gary’s. Tyler’s such a jerk. He’s never really been nice to her but it’s more obvious because it’s about her weight the last few seasons. And him willing to risk Carly for his right to talk about what he wants on TV,i s so childish. He doesn’t even care how cate feels. I doubt Brandon and Teresa will be explaining it to a crying little girl. I think it will be him defending his actions to his crying wife


  18. Farah’s reply to the person who called into the radio show was the greatest thing she’s ever said! Hysterical!


  19. A Mean Girls reference in a teen mom recap = day made.
    Add to that your Romy and Michele reference from a few weeks back, and I’m starting to suspect you’re my soul sister.


    1. That was HILARIOUS and SO true! Farrah is definitely the Regina George of that click. Deb is the Gretchen Wieners, and Sophia is the Karen Smith.


  20. I reallyyy hope you do episode 2 that was on right after this one!! It was cringe-worthy to say the least and I was just thinking “man, I can’t wait to read the Ashley’s recap of this!”


  21. Been waiting all week for this recap, and man was it worth the wait! HA Larios and spot on like usual. Lots of out loud snickers and chuckles so welcome back, gonna be a great season now that you’re back on the job!


  22. Catelynn, please please please, don’t use maybe getting pregnant someday again as an excuse to treat your body like garbage now. I think Tyler is a dick about your weight, and you should swiftly punch him, but there’s no reason to be a total sloth in the name of future pregnancies (especially after having GD with Nova you more or less ignored).


    1. You are right to some extent. Having a healthy eating pattern is always a good idea. Loosing a lot of weight or following certain diets just before you get pregnant isn’t healthy for your child or you however.
      Maybe, well who am I kidding, Caitlin has a eating disorder stemming from her emotional problems.
      Apparently calling her heifer to be is being supportive in the world of Cate and Ty (so they said) so she might appreciate the fact that you are calling her and other women who struggle with overweight a sloth.
      With all the hours of counseling they go trough you would expect Ty to maybe use his brain and what he has learned a bit more.


      1. I don’t think she was calling all women who struggle with their weight a sloth, I think she was calling Cate a sloth, because she doesn’t work, or get off the couch, or go to school, or seemingly have hobbies or crafts. If Cate had a purpose in life that would go a long way towards curing her depression. I’m not a doctor, but if she’d get a job or find something to focus on and take her meds regularly she’d see a huge difference. Her day needs structure. Bad.

        So does Tyler’s, he becomes a self righteous asshole with nothing keeping him busy. No wonder he’s mad about not being allowed to talk about Carly, he thinks that’s his entire career (it is)


        1. I think it’s time to close the adoption and for B&T to get their lawyer to draw up a cease and desist, non disclosure type paperwork against these two. I have a feeling once the show is officially over and done, B&T will close it. It’s too much to handle, being public figures when you didn’t want to and your kid’s safety being at risk because of these two idiots.


      2. Sorry, I should in fact clarify that I wasn’t calling her a sloth, but that her sedentary lifestyle is not a great lifestyle plan and saying it’s because they might have more kids is a bad idea. But Catelynn and Amber in particular seem to have no interest in actually doing anything outside of their couch or home, and to plan for more pregnancies and use that as an excuse is not wise. (I say this as a person who had GD with my second pregnancy and had to hustle to make sure baby and myself was healthy).
        And yes, it would be much better for her self esteem to do something that isn’t weed, Tyler, or sit around in her house stuffing her face talking about Nova.


        1. I’d just like to point out that GD is not caused by one’s weight or eating patterns. A perfectly healthy woman can still have GD. One’s genetics is what puts them at higher risk.


    1. Oh I know! Every time I see him I think, maybe he should watch some YouTube videos and figure out how to use the Anastasia Brow Wiz lol


    2. Where did they go?? Does Gary have eyebrow alopecia or is he shaving them down w/ a really low guard?!?! It drove me nuts, every time I saw him I was distracted wondering WTH his brows went! Hahaha


  23. That was so fake….Maci’s “oops I’m pregnant ” act and the proposal at the beach. She needs to beef up her acting skills. And please someone get Catelyn a chicken bone to chew on instead of her finger nails!! Every scene she’s in she is always chewing on her nails.


    1. Poor girl has been doing ‘He loves me, he loves me not’ on her fingernails for 10 years now.
      By now she should know he loves himself the most.


    2. I’ll take the nail biting over skin-picking any day. I’m at the point I have to skip their segments, because it grosses me out so much. If you look closely, she will often pick skin off her face…and then EAT IT! I always thought she would just pick her skin and go right to chewing her nails, until a scene last season where you could actually *see* a piece of the skin. She picks, examines it, and then eats it. It makes my stomach churn, and she does it so often it seems almost like a compulsive issue.


      1. GROSS!!!!!!!! I saw pick marks between her brows, that behavior screams obsessive compulsive. I wish she could have her mental health issues addressed, it’s a lot easier to function when our mental health is in check. I feel for her but get angry at the same time, I want her to want to help better herself, but she has to be ready & want the complete change too.


      2. I have the same issue as Caitlynn. It is indeed a compulsive tendency used to relieve stress (I have no OCD diagnosis as of yet). Obviously, she’s at higher risk of these issues with her anxiety and depression. She probably doesn’t realize she’s doing it most of the time, or it’s not so extreme in physical/visible damage that she hasn’t recognized it as an issue. I can forget and do it in front of others or feel compelled enough to just be secretive about it (that fake nail biting tho), but idk how she isn’t hyperaware with the cameras around. It has to suck going through this stuff in front of the world.


        1. Im a nail biter, have been since I could remember, and Im 30 now. I bite them down the the skin and sometimes they bleed. I also think I have OCD but have not been diagnosed with it yet.


  24. honestly cannot wait until you review the 3rd episode. Specifically the moment where the ultrasound tech asks Maci if she felt any movement, and just as Maci says no you SEE the baby move her belly. Worst lie on Earth.


  25. Anyone remember back in the day when Caitlyn and Tyler were going ‘to go to college and make something of ourselves so Carly would be proud’ ????

    Fast forward 7 years … No college … But they should get a degree in earring and couch sitting ….. Just glad I didn’t have to watch Caitlyn gnawing off her fingernails this episode …..

    Tyler’s mom Kim’s face and reaction to more kids =priceless


    1. I don’t get how they aren’t bored! They did an amazing thing for Brandon and Theresa, but I really wish they had gone to collage. Didn’t cate want to teach and Tyler a counseller? Their lack of motivation is uninspiring, I used to really like these two

      1. Jenelle's love of her life, wait no fiancé, wait no babydaddy, wait no ex, wait no guy she calls the cops on, wait no enemy! says:

        I guess in some cases it’s hard to step forward when everyone around you is stepping back. That’s the problem with all of these girls they give them so much money when they are still young and figuring out life. With bank accounts that big I think that they don’t think college degrees actual jobs are needed. They have never been broke on their own. I bet they will go to school but not until they are in their 30s and have no more money coming. I bet they will all say “wow I was stupid with my money and now I am broke”


        1. I super understand how hard it is to get the college train rolling with any momentum if you’ve been off the school track for a while. The circumstances were that lead to the interruption vary, but life happens to all of us. Going back as an adult is hard. It was for me- mostly because I was also working full-time and finding my own education. I get that going back is hard, but it kills me to see those two wasting a beautiful opportunity with the financial recourses available. It’s their money and their lives to do with what they choose, but I’d like to strongly urge them to reconsider. I’d also like to shake them really really hard. Like too hard.


    2. Well, Carly will be proud they made that decision to gave her a better life. Especially when she realizes what kind of role model they would have been to her.


    3. I don’t think Tyler gets what a good mom he has. Even with Butch as a father he could have turned out normal if he had tried even a little bit.


  26. This was simpy delicious to read lol. I loved it all. My favorite was “a new hook to hang Cate’s zebra hoodie ?


  27. The Ashley, you are lovely and this recap was spot on as usual! However, Ambjickistan used jolly ranchers as jail hair spray, not shampoo.
    Also, Maci’s baby bump stuck out further than her fake boobs at this point. The kid was moving around by this time. How are these girls the examples of teen pregnancy prevention yet lack any awareness of their uteri goings on?


  28. First of all, anyone who doesn’t understand that these recaps are done in jest should seriously get a life or at the very least a sense of humor! Farrah is such an awful person and delusional. It must have killed the producers to play nice with her. It’s also very obvious that Farrah and Simon don’t like each other and are putting on a show for the cameras. Maci’s whole segment was ridiculous except for Bentley who is the cutest kid on earth. I did think it was nice that all of the girls were nice to each other when Maci announced her engagement. I do feel bad for Cate but at the same time she needs to get out of that house. I think we’re also seeing Tyler’s true colors, his comments about weight were insensitive and rude. And Matt is as creepy as ever.
    Looking forward to a new season of recaps!!


    1. I don’t think Cate will be leaving those four walls until the show is over and every dime is gone. They’re both lazy slugs. I guarantee you in 8 years they still won’t have any college credits or career going. For me, If I were a rich reality star, Id be having so many things in place to make sure I am secure when the show is over. Id be in college, setting up some sort of business, looking into a legit career outside of entertainment.


      1. gotta agree…although school isn’t for everyone, these 2 have such an opportunity to financially secure their future, and they’re not seizing it. At least Maci is attempting to secure her future with those T-Shirts, Farrah has her whole porn thing…pretty gross, but she’s got her future and Sophia’s future financially secure….Amber and Matt are supposedly flipping houses…but Catelynn and Tyler have been on this show making money for 7 years and still have nothing to show for it….it’s pretty pitiful that they’re not motivated.


        1. But are Amber and Matt really flipping houses? They showed one, and never even showed them do any work so…..back to couch sitting this season!


  29. Love your recaps and always giggle while reading them! I loved the talking horse offering to kick Matt for Amber! ROFL!


  30. This may just be the most brilliant piece of writing I have read in a long long time. Bravo, this was hysterical


  31. I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one scratching my head at that picture of Maci after their engagement . I was like wait how does she not know she’s pregnant . I’d understand if she was heavier but when you are super thin and then you’re not but only in the stomach how can u not catch on that you could be growing a human maybe


    1. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was 24 weeks, and has my baby at 30 weeks! I used to think people who didn’t know we’re crazy! I had periods throughout, was still in the same size clothes, and even my family GP who is known since forever was shocked when he revealed the results. This however, was my first baby, I would 100% know next time!! Maci must have known, why hide it? Again, quite like her, but she should have been honest! Xx


  32. I’m offended that you think I might be offended. #NotAllDegenerates

    Here’s hoping Maci’s story ends up on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”


    1. How “classy” of Farraha to have port a potties sitting in her drive way stinking up the entrance to her castle. She’s so disrespectful to everyone! I’m glad to see Simon making a fool out of Farrah….buying her own “engagement ring” when he has no intention of marrying that used piece of trash. Thats just pitiful. Now that’s priceless!

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