After months of anticipation, it’s finally time for Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars: Family Edition! (You’d think with all the time the show’s producers had to prepare for this season, they could have come up with a title that wasn’t so ridiculously long. Perhaps “Family Trainwreck” would have been a better, shorter option?)
Anyway, this Very Special Season of ‘MBC’ will feature various reality TV stars with inflated egos…and the family members who tolerate them.
We start out by meeting the cast. They’ve assembled quite the group of D-list celebs. (Seriously, it looks like an audition to hawk that creepy Instagram tea that all the reality TV stars pretend to drink.)
First up is everyone’s (least) favorite Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham. She tells us that she’s come a long way from her 16 and Pregnant days, but she “still gets to parent her divorced dysfunctional parents.” She also reminds us of how great she is. It’s truly a miracle she could fit that big ol’ head inside the door frame of the Boot Camp Mansion.
Next, the true star of the show arrives: Debra Danielsen’s wardrobe.
Farrah’s mom, Deb, has gone all out, clothing-wise, for the show’s premiere episode. She rolls up to the Boot Camp Mansion in a crop top, spandex pants, and a weird double belt (!), strutting in like it’s pay day and there’s a sale in the junior’s section of JC Penny.
Deb tells us how much Farrah hurts her. Then, Farrah’s dad Michael arrives to tell us that Farrah pushes him around. Of course, anyone who has ever watched Teen Mom OG knows that Farrah seems to get a lot of joy out of treating her parents like peasants. (She is the Queen of the Backdoor Kingdom, and they are her lowly subjects!)
As Michael struggles to open a bottle of champagne Deb tells him, “Man up Michael. Grab a hold of it.”
Farrah says if she had one word to describe Michael, it would be ‘pansy.’ Yikes.
Debra tells us that she and Michael divorced because he had 21 affairs. (Maybe he isn’t so much of a pansy after all!) Michael admits to the affairs, but says it wasn’t quite 21.
Our next family arrives. It’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and his brothers, Frank and Marc. Mike, known mostly for banging any girl wearing self tanner along the Jersey Shore between the years of 2009-2012, apparently has a lot of issues with his two brothers. Frank has changed his name to Maximo, but his brothers refuse to acknowledge his name change. (Possibly because it sounds like some sort of weird Italian condom company?)
Maximo is gay but his brothers also don’t really believe that, because he was once married to a woman.
There’s no time to get into that because the next family is pulling up. It’s football player Chad ‘Ochocinco’ Johnson, who arrives with his mother, Paula. Chad tells us that his mother basically left him with his grandmother when he was five years old and that Paula didn’t raise him.
Paula also has some issues with Chad.
“Chad is a damn fool,” she tells us. “He has to leave his sperm in every motherf**king relationship.”
Chad tells us that he has six kids and his mother is against some of the choices he has made.
“He’s thinking with the wrong head,” Paula tells Debra about Chad.
There is more talk about Chad’s, um, equipment, and soon it’s time for the next family to walk in. Kendra Wilkinson, who has never met a reality TV show she won’t appear on, arrives and meets up with her mother, Patti. Kendra and Patti have a ton of issues. Kendra believes Patti is always selling her out to the tabloids. (And, well…she basically is…)
Patti arrives wearing a dress that looks like it came off a clearance rack at Forever 21 (and/or Debra’s closet). Patti asks Kendra if she’s doing this show sincerely because she wants to improve their relationship. Oh, Patti…you’re such a jokester! Kendra still obviously hates her mother.
Here’s an idea, Kendra: STOP DOING REALITY TV SHOWS WITH THIS WOMAN!
The therapists come downstairs to tell the families they’re going to solve all their problems with televised therapy sessions (not to mention plenty of liquor.) And, because no ‘Marriage Boot Camp’ season would be complete without making these fame-hungry schmucks do some weird activities that make no real sense, the therapists bring the families into a room filled with Christmas decorations, as well as Santa, elves and carolers.
Santa starts reading “stories” and the stories all involve the terrible the things everyone in the room has done.
(Sounds like Christmas at the Abrahams’ house: Surely Farrah forces her parents to listen to all the things she hates about them before she’ll give them their Christmas presents each year…which are probably just framed portraits of Farrah anyway.)
Chad’s mom, Paula, is not having it.
“Santa! He don’t know me!” she yells.
Um…he sees you when you’re sleeping, Paula. He’s knows when you’re awake…
They are then given gifts that “target their core issues.”
Farrah, Deb and Michael get their ‘gifts’ first. Debra receives a noose because Farrah tells her to kill herself.
Well ain’t that just a cornucopia of Christmas cheer?! Nothing says “happy holidays” quite like hangman’s noose, right?
As per usual, Farrah is unable to listen to anyone who is saying anything critical about her. She gets mad and storms off. Afterward, Farrah tells the therapist that if Debra continues to lie then this is a “waste of time.”
Let’s just solve this now: THIS WHOLE SEASON IS A WASTE OF TIME.
Michael opens his present and it’s a set of balls.
“Michael has been dying to get a set of balls for decades, so now he’s happy,” Deb says gleefully.
You’ve gotta give Michael credit for refraining from grabbing Deb’s noose and strangling his ex-wife and daughter right then and there. #Progress
Next to enter the weird winter wonderland is Chad and Paula. They put crap in Paula’s box. Like literally horse poop in her gift box. What the hell are we watching? Seriously.
Paula gets the crap because, well she’s full of it and the therapists say she isn’t being honest with Chad about why she left him as a small child. (OK, maybe she wasn’t the best mother but…did you really have to box up Mr. Ed’s leavings and give them to her?! Good Lord…)
Next, it’s gift time for the Sorrentino brothers. Marc and Mike tell Maximo that he isn’t a real man. This makes Farrah mad for some reason. She tells Marc that she doesn’t see any man in him.
“I have no man in me?” Marc says to Farrah. “And you have had every man in you.”
Honestly, is there even a way to top that zinger? The look on the Backdoor Teen Mom’s face is priceless when he says that to her.
As per usual, Farrah is already starting to get on the nerves of anyone sharing oxygen with her.
“That big mouth Farrah chiming in where she doesn’t belong,” Paula says.
Girl! Just you wait…
In their ‘gift’ boxes, Maximo gets leeches (umm?), Marc gets handcuffs (due to his pending legal trouble) and Mike gets prescription pills. (By all means, let’s give the recovering prescription pill addict some medication!)
Finally, it’s Kendra’s and Patti’s turns to receive their gifts. Patti gets money with tabloid headlines (which she almost surely pocketed). Kendra gets a voodoo doll with her husband’s face on it.
Um…how much longer is it gonna take for Kendra to start screaming “RISE UP! RISE UP!” at her mother and act like she’s possessed by the devil himself? That’s what we’re all been waiting for.
They retire to their bedrooms, and discover that their rooms have giant posters on the walls with all the terrible things they have said and done written on them. (Oh, hey! Someone got a raise in their set-dressing budget for this season!)
Paula is irate because there’s a quote on her wall where Chad accuses her of being a drug user. She denies this claim.
The Sorrentino brothers’ room is made to look like a jail cell, which is really a nice touch.
Farrah, Michael and Deb’s room is filled with sex toys. (Luckily for all of our stomachs, there were none of Farrah’s vibrating butt molds to be seen but…it’s still early in the season.)
They, do, however, have to share their room with one of Farrah’s blowup doll sex toys, of course.
That’s all for Episode 1! It’s bound to get even weirder this season!
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