After months of anticipation, it’s finally time for Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars: Family Edition! (You’d think with all the time the show’s producers had to prepare for this season, they could have come up with a title that wasn’t so ridiculously long. Perhaps “Family Trainwreck” would have been a better, shorter option?)
Anyway, this Very Special Season of ‘MBC’ will feature various reality TV stars with inflated egos…and the family members who tolerate them.
We start out by meeting the cast. They’ve assembled quite the group of D-list celebs. (Seriously, it looks like an audition to hawk that creepy Instagram tea that all the reality TV stars pretend to drink.)
First up is everyone’s (least) favorite Teen Mom, Farrah Abraham. She tells us that she’s come a long way from her 16 and Pregnant days, but she “still gets to parent her divorced dysfunctional parents.” She also reminds us of how great she is. It’s truly a miracle she could fit that big ol’ head inside the door frame of the Boot Camp Mansion.
Next, the true star of the show arrives: Debra Danielsen’s wardrobe.
Farrah’s mom, Deb, has gone all out, clothing-wise, for the show’s premiere episode. She rolls up to the Boot Camp Mansion in a crop top, spandex pants, and a weird double belt (!), strutting in like it’s pay day and there’s a sale in the junior’s section of JC Penny.
Deb tells us how much Farrah hurts her. Then, Farrah’s dad Michael arrives to tell us that Farrah pushes him around. Of course, anyone who has ever watched Teen Mom OG knows that Farrah seems to get a lot of joy out of treating her parents like peasants. (She is the Queen of the Backdoor Kingdom, and they are her lowly subjects!)
As Michael struggles to open a bottle of champagne Deb tells him, “Man up Michael. Grab a hold of it.”
Farrah says if she had one word to describe Michael, it would be ‘pansy.’ Yikes.
Debra tells us that she and Michael divorced because he had 21 affairs. (Maybe he isn’t so much of a pansy after all!) Michael admits to the affairs, but says it wasn’t quite 21.
Our next family arrives. It’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and his brothers, Frank and Marc. Mike, known mostly for banging any girl wearing self tanner along the Jersey Shore between the years of 2009-2012, apparently has a lot of issues with his two brothers. Frank has changed his name to Maximo, but his brothers refuse to acknowledge his name change. (Possibly because it sounds like some sort of weird Italian condom company?)
Maximo is gay but his brothers also don’t really believe that, because he was once married to a woman.
There’s no time to get into that because the next family is pulling up. It’s football player Chad ‘Ochocinco’ Johnson, who arrives with his mother, Paula. Chad tells us that his mother basically left him with his grandmother when he was five years old and that Paula didn’t raise him.
Paula also has some issues with Chad.
“Chad is a damn fool,” she tells us. “He has to leave his sperm in every motherf**king relationship.”
Chad tells us that he has six kids and his mother is against some of the choices he has made.
“He’s thinking with the wrong head,” Paula tells Debra about Chad.
There is more talk about Chad’s, um, equipment, and soon it’s time for the next family to walk in. Kendra Wilkinson, who has never met a reality TV show she won’t appear on, arrives and meets up with her mother, Patti. Kendra and Patti have a ton of issues. Kendra believes Patti is always selling her out to the tabloids. (And, well…she basically is…)
Patti arrives wearing a dress that looks like it came off a clearance rack at Forever 21 (and/or Debra’s closet). Patti asks Kendra if she’s doing this show sincerely because she wants to improve their relationship. Oh, Patti…you’re such a jokester! Kendra still obviously hates her mother.
Here’s an idea, Kendra: STOP DOING REALITY TV SHOWS WITH THIS WOMAN!
The therapists come downstairs to tell the families they’re going to solve all their problems with televised therapy sessions (not to mention plenty of liquor.) And, because no ‘Marriage Boot Camp’ season would be complete without making these fame-hungry schmucks do some weird activities that make no real sense, the therapists bring the families into a room filled with Christmas decorations, as well as Santa, elves and carolers.
Santa starts reading “stories” and the stories all involve the terrible the things everyone in the room has done.
(Sounds like Christmas at the Abrahams’ house: Surely Farrah forces her parents to listen to all the things she hates about them before she’ll give them their Christmas presents each year…which are probably just framed portraits of Farrah anyway.)
Chad’s mom, Paula, is not having it.
“Santa! He don’t know me!” she yells.
Um…he sees you when you’re sleeping, Paula. He’s knows when you’re awake…
They are then given gifts that “target their core issues.”
Farrah, Deb and Michael get their ‘gifts’ first. Debra receives a noose because Farrah tells her to kill herself.
Well ain’t that just a cornucopia of Christmas cheer?! Nothing says “happy holidays” quite like hangman’s noose, right?
As per usual, Farrah is unable to listen to anyone who is saying anything critical about her. She gets mad and storms off. Afterward, Farrah tells the therapist that if Debra continues to lie then this is a “waste of time.”
Let’s just solve this now: THIS WHOLE SEASON IS A WASTE OF TIME.
Michael opens his present and it’s a set of balls.
“Michael has been dying to get a set of balls for decades, so now he’s happy,” Deb says gleefully.
You’ve gotta give Michael credit for refraining from grabbing Deb’s noose and strangling his ex-wife and daughter right then and there. #Progress
Next to enter the weird winter wonderland is Chad and Paula. They put crap in Paula’s box. Like literally horse poop in her gift box. What the hell are we watching? Seriously.
Paula gets the crap because, well she’s full of it and the therapists say she isn’t being honest with Chad about why she left him as a small child. (OK, maybe she wasn’t the best mother but…did you really have to box up Mr. Ed’s leavings and give them to her?! Good Lord…)
Next, it’s gift time for the Sorrentino brothers. Marc and Mike tell Maximo that he isn’t a real man. This makes Farrah mad for some reason. She tells Marc that she doesn’t see any man in him.
“I have no man in me?” Marc says to Farrah. “And you have had every man in you.”
Honestly, is there even a way to top that zinger? The look on the Backdoor Teen Mom’s face is priceless when he says that to her.
As per usual, Farrah is already starting to get on the nerves of anyone sharing oxygen with her.
“That big mouth Farrah chiming in where she doesn’t belong,” Paula says.
Girl! Just you wait…
In their ‘gift’ boxes, Maximo gets leeches (umm?), Marc gets handcuffs (due to his pending legal trouble) and Mike gets prescription pills. (By all means, let’s give the recovering prescription pill addict some medication!)
Finally, it’s Kendra’s and Patti’s turns to receive their gifts. Patti gets money with tabloid headlines (which she almost surely pocketed). Kendra gets a voodoo doll with her husband’s face on it.
Um…how much longer is it gonna take for Kendra to start screaming “RISE UP! RISE UP!” at her mother and act like she’s possessed by the devil himself? That’s what we’re all been waiting for.
They retire to their bedrooms, and discover that their rooms have giant posters on the walls with all the terrible things they have said and done written on them. (Oh, hey! Someone got a raise in their set-dressing budget for this season!)
Paula is irate because there’s a quote on her wall where Chad accuses her of being a drug user. She denies this claim.
The Sorrentino brothers’ room is made to look like a jail cell, which is really a nice touch.
Farrah, Michael and Deb’s room is filled with sex toys. (Luckily for all of our stomachs, there were none of Farrah’s vibrating butt molds to be seen but…it’s still early in the season.)
They, do, however, have to share their room with one of Farrah’s blowup doll sex toys, of course.
That’s all for Episode 1! It’s bound to get even weirder this season!
To read our other reality TV show recaps, click here!
What. Did I just. Read?
I’ve long suspected that Mike is closeted himself. He really overcompensates and tries to act like such a stereotypical “man’s man”, but there were a lot of things on Jersey Shore that made me wonder if he was actually hiding the fact that he’s gay. Would explain a lot of his anger issues, past addiction and attitude towards his brother. I could be reading it wrong, but for years I’ve always thought he was hiding something and that he wasn’t being honest about his sexuality.
Remember when Farrah was basically begging Charlie Sheen to fuck her?
Little did she know she would have ended up with them letters. H, I, and V. That was in 2013. He had been knowingly infected for 2 years at that point.
Well I wasn’t planning on tuning in, lol!! Since I’ve read your recap I’ve now watched episode one and two, #ThanksKaiser oops sorry #ThanksAshley
This is a fake train wreck, bad acting and now I’m on board, lmafo!!
It was priceless seeing the noose, the bag of crap, the set of balls, the bottle of pills, the hand cuffs…
Please do episode two!! Debra in a coffin, Farrah’s cry face!! Ect….
When your mom tries to prove to the world she does not have bad taste when it comes to men by claiming your dad was able to find 21 other ladies to cheat on your mom…
Is it me, or does Creepy Santa look like DebzOG’s equally creepy fiancee?
Mike and his brother’s attitudes towards their brother who came out as gay is despicable. Yes, you are the Man Mike. You have nothing and no one and the nerve to bash someone for their sexuality?! Fucking asswipe. Keep wondering why your life isn’t going well, I’m baffled myself. Said no one. Chad’s ‘mom’ has some serious issues but she and Farrah under the same roof is going to be trainwreck reality tv gold. I thought Javi and Kail were going to be on this one though; wonder if/when they will be because they confirmed they filmed..Kendra and her mother are one and the same. Kendra wants to bash her for trying to make money off tabloids and reality tv is just beyond hypocritical. Pretty sure she and Hank made the whole cheating thing up, but even if they didn’t they damn sure milked it for every penny. Nevermind their children. Such a shame too because those are two of the most gorgeous children ever and they deserve so much better than just material shit.
This was probably the scariest thing I’ve seen since The Blair Witch Project.
“Frank has changed his name to Maximo, but his brothers refuse to acknowledge his name change. ” what the fuck? Lmao ???. This recap makes me want to watch this garbage.
Dear The “Awesome” Ashley,
You are already my hero, but could you get one more gem from this train wreck? Could you find out what Farrah’s gift was?
Your #1 fan
When Farrah talks about Kendra’s facial expressions being disrespectful towards her mom…
hahahahhahaha hahahah hahahhahaha
Disrespectful…I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means…
Either that or we’ve been right all along and there is a complete lack of self awareness going on there…