It’s time to get into the nitty gritty of what’s wrong with the families on Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars: Family Edition! (To be fair, it may be easier to list what’s not wrong with these people, but then we wouldn’t have a show and we’d be forced to watch something with redeeming value.)
The episode begins in the morning, with Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson and his mom Paula discussing how poorly Paula treats other people.
“We have this saying, you’re really not a friend of mine if you haven’t been cursed at by my mom,” Chad says.
His mom says it’s all about keeping it real.
“See, I come so straight, they just feel cussed out. I’m a straight shooter!” she declares. (For some reason this sounds like something Paula’s housemate, Farrah Abraham, would say, no?)
Paula declares that Dr. V is “haunting her” and trying to creep around behind her like a ghost. Chad tells the gang that his mom is a thug, and Paula doesn’t argue with that statement.
“I’m straight outta the projects!” she declares.
When Chad tells his mom that she doesn’t get along with anyone, she claps back with, “Let them pay my rent then I’ll care!”
Then she goes into the kitchen to pray…and pour herself a drink. At 8:00 a.m. As you do.
As we saw last week, the family members all have to sleep in a room together. This means that Farrah will be sleeping in a room with her mother, Debra and her father, Michael. Deb and Mike have been divorced for several years now, so Deb decides to make the situation as comfortable as possible for everyone…by walking around the room naked.
She strips down and prances around in front of Farrah and Farrah’s dad, Michael. I guess she’s trying to show Michael what he’s missing now that they’re divorced. Either that or she’s trying to plead her case for Farrah to pay for some more plastic surgery for her.
Even though watching Deb trot around naked is semi-disturbing, I’d much rather see her like that than wearing skintight pleather pants and enough belts to keep the pants of every cougar in America at waist level.
It’s time for the day’s weird “bonding” activity, and, since they already celebrated the world’s creepiest Christmas on the last episode, it’s time to tackle birthday parties. A pseudo birthday party is thrown in the house.
Afterward, Chad and his mother Paula try to hash out their issues.
Well, Chad does. Paula seems to think that she is void of any problems. (Um, girl, you signed on to do this pooper-scooper of a reality TV show. I think that’s all the proof we need that you have issues.)
Chad says they have problems and this sets Paula off.
“It ain’t no ‘we!’” Paula insists. “You’ve got six mother f**king kids! It’s you and them kids. I ain’t being a grandma to all of them illegitimates!”
Before Chad and Paula can decide who will (and will not) be a grandmother to said ‘illegitimates,’ the counselors announce it’s time for one of the mainstays of every ‘Boot Camp’ season. That’s right, kids, we’re having ourselves some fake funerals!
They have all of the Campers write out letters to their “deceased” loved ones, and almost everyone is struggling with the task.
They wheel in a coffin and the train wrecks are told that they have to do this crap because they are basically terrible people.
“You are in this room because your family members need to learn respect,” the doctor says.
Chad’s funeral is first. They bring his mother out and tell her that he died in a car accident. Surely, the producers are hoping that Paula will burst into tears at the sight of her “dead” son, begging him for forgiveness (and making for great TV). As we’re quickly learning, though, Paula doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do: whether that be play Granny to a bunch of bastard kids, or fake-cry at a fake funeral.
“That don’t mean nothing to me,” Paula replies.
She walks up to her son’s coffin and says, “Toodle-oo. Adios.”
Paula says she doesn’t consider herself part of Chad’s family because…well, there’s simply no room left for her!
“He’s got his kids and his baby mamas,” she says. “Line them up. Let them roll his ass out.”
The doctor says it sounds like Paula is jealous of Chad’s baby mamas.
“I’m not a part of his life,” she says. “I don’t want to be.”
The Sorrentino brothers are up next. Maximo is in the casket, and Marc isn’t taking it seriously at all. (Imagine someone not taking this ridiculous mock-funeral seriously! )
“His eyes are closed and he looks like Count Dracula,” Marc declares. “How am I supposed to take that seriously?”
He’s got a point there, guys…
For some reason, Mike and Marc try to act like Maximo is not really gay, despite him having come out to them. It’s like they think he is faking being gay or something. The doctors seem to think that Marc is the bully, Mike is the peacemaker, and Maximo is the victim. They don’t seem to be too far off, honestly.
The Abrahams are up next. Deb has, thankfully, found some sort of clothing (that may or may not be from the Mary Kate & Ashley clothing collection circa 2001), and crawled into the coffin.
Seeing Debra in the coffin apparently reminds Farrah of when her daughter’s father, Derek Underwood, died. Farrah claims that on the day Derek died in a car accident, her mom was saying things like, “Thank God he died,” even though Farrah, then 16, was carrying his child.
Farrah is crying over the coffin when suddenly, Deb (who is still pretending to be dead) comes to life. It’s a miracle! Farrah’s ugly-cry face has revived her mother and brought her back! Thank the Baby Jesus!
“I give everything I have and I get nothing back. I’m tired of it,” she yells, all while keeping her eyes closed and still pretending to be dead. (She’s a serious actress, folks, and you can bet your sweet ass this scene is going on her acting resume!)
Farrah immediately shuts the tears off and looks pissed. Classic Farrah.
Kendra and her mother Patti are up next. Patti’s in the box, and Kendra seems to be the only one who really cares that her loved one is dead. Kendra said she is really scared of Patti sometimes and she truly feels like Patti doesn’t care about her.
Sadly, Kendra does not yell “RISE UP! RISE UP!” to resurrect her “dead” mother from the coffin. (OK…seriously, how many episodes are we going to have to sit through before Kendra gives us what we want?)
After all the fake funerals, the families go to evaluations. The family that receives the worst evaluation from the doctors will have to do chores.
Chad and Paula have the worst evaluation (of course) so they must sweep and mop the floor. Paula isn’t happy about the tasks at hand.
“Sweep and mop the mother- f**king kitchen?” Paula asks. “I felt like a slave on a plantation.”
“Massa, are you proud of me?” she yells while she mops.
Oh, Paula, we love you so…
Next week we see Farrah, Debra, and Michael try to work out a “shared history of abuse.” As you know if you’ve watched any of the “Teen Mom” shows, Farrah claims to have been violently abused as a child but Debra denies this.
To read our recap of last week’s episode of ‘Marriage Boot Camp Reality Stars: Family Edition,’ click here!