This week, MTV tried to kill The Ashley by airing TWO episodes of Teen Mom 2 for her to recap. While The Ashley loves her readers, she can’t subject herself to recapping two hours of this crap, so she’s just going to recap one episode. (Safety first!)
Since The Ashley’s readers know she loves a good reality TV birth episode (and, really, who doesn’t?) she has chosen to recap the second episode of the evening, which features Baby Ensley slip-slidin’ down the overworked waterslide that is Jenelle‘s reproductive parts.
We kick things off with a mini-recap of what happened in the previous episode.
Briana is still concerned about “getting stuck with two kids” so she’s badgering her cheating, straight-from-da-club baby daddy Luis to consider letting her place their kid for adoption. Jenelle scooped up some free gifts at her third baby shower. (She had to get new stuff and a new crib, obviously. She can’t use Kaiser’s crib for the new baby because then where would he eat/sleep/live/spend 17 hours a day?)
Leah learned that her former bacon-slapping boo, Jeremy was engaged to Brooke, while Chelsea dealt with Aubree’s bad attitude. Kail revealed that she was knocked up, but didn’t want to tell Javi about the baby yet.
That brings us to the start of this episode. First, we check in with Jenelle who is just days away from adding another illegitimate offspring to her brood.
Jenelle and Lurch are still living in the rental house that they fled to when their other house was overtaken by mold, and they are bummed out that they won’t be able to bring their new baby home to their recently purchased swampland. (How will the baby sleep without the mosquitoes buzzing above her head like a crib mobile?)
Jenelle tells Lurch that she “has a little bit of stomach issues.”
Um…yeah. Your issue is that you have a stomach full of soulmate spawn!
Pregnancy is old-hat for Jenelle. She knows that the baby could come at any time now, and that she could be just hours away from being strapped to an oxygen machine and howling.
The next day, Jenelle’s doctor confirms that the baby could be expelled from Jenelle’s crotchateria at any time.
She’s feeling quite under the weather (but, thankfully, she’s not seeing those pesky ‘molecules’ again!) Lurch suggests that Jenelle eat, surely because he knows that he has to get her to gnaw on something too if he wants to score a free meal from MTV.
Jenelle’s doctor was asking about her birth control plan for after the baby is born and, naturally, that conversation gives Jenelle anxiety. (Just the thought of having to ask Lurch to wear a condom is enough to make Jenelle need a therapy horse!)
Jenelle says she doesn’t want to take birth control, but she also doesn’t want to get pregnant again. Not fornicating with Lurch is clearly not an option, either. Lurch has a better solution.
“I thought you said we was havin’ another baby after this?” he says. “I can’t get married unless we have two babies together.”
JESUS GOD LEAH! At least let Jenelle shoot this spawn out before you go implanting another one of your swampy sperms into her, Lurch!
It would be different if they already had a baby in the house to take care of. You know, like a toddler who needs care. Too bad they only have Kaiser…
Lurch says he’ll propose to Jenelle once she “has me another baby.”
For the love of God, keep it in your pants, Lurch!
After we get the terrifying picture of Lurch impregnating Jenelle again out of our heads, we go over to South Dakota to see what Chelsea’s up to. Cole is preparing to take Aubree to her father/daughter dance for the second year in a row. Her biological father, Adam, is unable to attend, of course, because he’s busy trying on white tank tops to see which one will look best should he end up on an episode of Cops. (I mean, it’s just a matter of time now, isn’t it?)
Aubree and her cousin get ready to go to the dance, and soon Cole arrives with a bouquet of flowers for his date. Papa Randy is taking Aubree’s cousin to the dance, so the guys take the girls off to dance the night away.
Speaking of dancing the night away, you know who did that? Briana. And you know what happened to her? She got knocked up. Twice. Today, she’s dealing with her first “horizontal mambo” partner, Devoin.
Yes, kids, that’s right– ol’ PapiChulo himself is about to grace us with his presence! I’m feeling excited…and also like I kinda need to hold tight to my wallet…
Briana tells Brittany that she needs Devoin to watch Nova while she goes to see Baby Daddy #2 Luis. She’s going to lunch with him to see what’s going on “wif” them and their future as potential co-parents. Brittany is just sitting there, trying to figure out which one of Briana’s loser baby daddies she hates more.
It’s no surprise that Devoin is late. (After all…Briana’s usual the one who is late…)
Devoin hasn’t seen Nova in a few months, but he can’t be bothered to show up on time to fetch her. He’s got things to do… and some of them aren’t even court-ordered!
Devoin is mad that he has to come to the DeJesus home to see Nova. Unfortunately for Devoin, though, he has no other choice. That’s because he has no license…and no car…and no home of his own.
Um…did Devoin literally get caught in some sort of time warp during Briana’s 16 and Pregnant episode all those years ago or something? He’s the exact same person he was back then, except now he’s in his twenties! #PapiBusPass
“It’s been almost six years…how do you not have your s**t together already?” Briana, who still lives with her mom and is now pregnant unexpectedly for the second time by a local hoodlum, asks. (Maybe she was speaking into a mirror off-camera?)
Nova calls up Papi BusPass to see where the hell he is but he refuses to answer. Nova is starting to get upset that her father has ditched out on seeing her for the first time in months.
Meanwhile in Delaware, Kail is getting along better with Baby Daddy #3 Chris, even though he’s still not allowing MTV to put his mug on camera. In fact, he recently texted Kail to let her know he wants to “work it out.”
Kail’s totally down for that, but she’s trying not to get her hopes up that Chris will act like a decent human being once their baby comes.
At long last, we make it down to West Virginia! Leah is stressing because she has to get her herd to bed so she can finish up all her homework. (Those ‘rithmatics ain’t gonna solve themselves, y’all!)
There are dogs, kids, cats and possibly sugar packets flying everywhere and, once again, the girls don’t want to brush their chompers. Leah finally gets them to brush their teeth, and we’re relieved to see that Addie’s long-lost toothbrush has been recovered.
Afterward, she shows off them readin’ skills she’s been learning down at the college when she reads the girls a bedtime story.
Finally it’s time for Leah to get down to bookin’. She’s trying to let all that sweet knowledge sink into her brain (much like the dye in the baby’s head), but unfortunately the kids won’t stop bothering her.
Dern those youngins!
Next, we head back to North Carolina and we know something big is happening because the dramatic music starts to play. We find out that Jenelle is in the hospital after going into labor. Lurch strapped her to the back of his tractor and got her to the hospital just in time for Baby Ensley to plop out of Jenelle’s nether regions.
We then see some home video of Jenelle holding the screaming baby.
Wait…what? WHAT?! No footage of Jenelle in labor? Jenelle’s births are must-see TV! We’ve been ripped off BIG TIME, guys!
We see a few still photos of the baby, and of Lurch cradling Ensley in his big oafy paws. Even Kaiser was allowed to escape the Crib of Doom for a few hours to meet his new half-sister.
In the next scene, Lurch and Jenelle are driving home with the new baby. Their entire brood (except for Jace, of course) is present to welcome Ensley to the madness.
There’s much to celebrate in the Evans/Eason home right now. In addition to the new baby, the gang is also about to check out their new home, Swamp Manor. Kaiser is excited to go to “The Land” because, well, let’s face it: anything beats the crib.
Welcome to the world, Ensley! Good luck…you’re gonna need it!
In South Dakota, Chelsea is looking at photos of Aubree and Cole at the dance. She tells her pal Laura (who never met a piece of makeup she didn’t like) that she’s so grateful that she and Aubree have Cole in their lives.
She says that she texted Adam to let him know about Aubree’s dance weeks ago but he never replied to her.
At this point, though, Aubree doesn’t seem to care if Adam shows upor not. In fact, Chelsea feels like Aubree is more comfortable being around Cole than Daddy Deadlift, who only wants to act like a father when he needs to take a photo with Aubree to post on Instagram…or Tinder.
Chicks dig dudes who have daughters!
Just then, Cole comes in, carrying a sleeping Aubree. Randy comes in too, looking flushed after a night of kicking up his heels, and Chelsea asks him if “anyone else” (aka Adam) managed to make it there.
“Aubree only had one father there,” Randy replies.
Aubree’s lucky that she had one father around, because that’s more than poor Nova has right now. Devoin had not appeared by the time Briana was due to meet Luis at the ol’ Chinese buffet to discuss what the hell they should do with their kid, so she had to leave Nova with Brittany.
Briana sits down with Luis and once again poses the topic of adoption. He says that he really did consider it, but has decided that he’d rather Briana just have the kid, and then he can bail out while she’s getting stitched up. (Hell, they may even call Dr. Miami down there to do yet another hoo-ha makeover on Briana right then and there!)
Briana is still fighting hard not to be “stuck” with her two kids, so she convinces Luis to go to an adoption agency with her.
“I’ll go wit chu where you want,” he tells Briana.
Well, I mean except the employment agency…or the birth control aisle at Walmart…or a dark alley with Brittany…of course.
Briana says it’s a mistake to co-parent together because she doesn’t want to be in a “toxic relationship.” Luis can barely keep himself from laughing when he realizes that Briana thinks what they had was a relationship.
Just then, Brittany calls Briana, angry that Papi BusPass still hasn’t arrived to fetch Nova. Briana gives him a call but once again Devoin doesn’t answer.
In The WV, Leah gets a text from Jeremy. He says that he “needs to talk” and Leah can’t help but be a little excited. She calls him up and lets Addie talk to her dad first. As the phone is ringing, Leah is fixing her hair to make sure she looks ding-dang fetchin’ while conversatin’ with her ex.
Jeremy starts talking to Addie, and then she gives the phone to Leah.
It turns out that Jeremy has some bad news. He and Brooke have broken up! Leah, who can’t stop stuffing cheese puffs into her piehole long enough to talk to Jeremy, is shocked by the news.
Jeremy claims that Brooke threw all his clothes and bacon and stuff out on the lawn after she found a record of Jeremy having talked to Leah for 35 minutes on the phone. (None of this is true, by the way. Click here for the real story!)
Leah is just gnawing at her gas station sandwich as Jeremy tells her all about how Brooke freaked out over the phone call, which was actually about Addie’s school. Naturally, Brooke is assuming that Jeremy is laying pipe in anyone he can find. (Which, is, of course, true, but…)
Leah scolds Jeremy for staying in this drama-filled relationship, and tells him to stay single for a while.
“Yeah…well…” Jeremy replies.
Later, Leah’s lunching with her sister Victoria, and she can’t wait to tell her all about Jeremy’s trainwreck engagement.
“He just found someone who acts just like he does and he don’t know what to do!” Victoria says.
Leah’s worried about how Addie is going to react to Brooke being gone. Leah doesn’t want her daughter to have a giant pile of Daddy Issues like she did, and she’s worried that Jeremy acting reckless with his lady friends will cause that.
Next we check in with Javi, who is sitting talking to a group of his friends. He’s all excited because he’s got some gooooood gossip, and is practically bursting at the seams to tell someone.
“A little birdie” informed Javi of all the shenanigans going on at his house while he was deployed. That “birdie” also dropped a bomb on Javi, telling him that Kail is currently three months pregnant…by the guy Javi caught her with last season.
“They were just ‘friends’ according to her then,” Javi says.
Well, yeah, but friends that bone.
Javi’s pals aren’t even acting surprised. If someone tells me their ex-wife got knocked up less than a month after the ink dried on the divorce papers, my mouth is gonna be on the floor and my eyes would be bigger than Ryan Edwards‘! Come on, girls, at least act like this is a surprise!
Javi suspects that Kail’s baby daddy may be living at his house. (Highly unlikely, Jav. This guy seems like an anti-social dog– he only appears when he needs a bone.)
Javi is not thrilled that there will be yet another addition to the Disgruntled Baby Daddy Club he and Jo have built.
“She doesn’t know that I know that she’s pregnant!” Javi says gleefully. (Anyone else having flashbacks of this scene from Friends while watching this?)
Javi declares that he’s tired of holding his tongue and now he’s ready to get crazy!
Speaking of crazy, it’s time to see what Jenelle’s doing. She’s surrounded by her offspring and future step-offspring. Kaiser is there, and he’s clinging to a giant Ziploc bag full of Chex Mix like it’s the apocalypse outside and the only thing that can save him from certain death is that crunchy mix of pretzels, cereal and those weird brown toast things that no one likes.
Anyway, Producer Kristen corners Lurch while he’s taking out the trash and tries to get him to tell her his latest plan.
“I’m going to do something special for Jenelle,” Lurch tells her. “I’m going to need you to meet me up in the mountains.”
Kristen looks both scared and intrigued. This could either end in a proposal, or her tied up with “jumpa cables” in the trunk of Lurch’s car.
He tells Kristen that he has “a special place picked out.”
Um…for the body?
Fortunately, Lurch is just planning to propose. (He doesn’t actually tell Producer Kristen that, though, so she’s still thinking he may be planning to murder her and Jenelle.)
Ho-hum. Yet another Jenelle proposal to throw on the heap. Honestly, at this point, they should skip the speeches and ring-giving and just go straight to the inevitable double mugshot and social media meltdowns. #ItsGonnaHappen
Lurch is proud of himself for cooking up such a great, albeit semi-creepy, plan. It’s been a couple weeks since Ensley’s birth and Jenelle is ready for a vacation. I mean, they could probably just leave the baby with Kaiser. Chances are he’ll eventually share his Chex Mix with her, right?
“It’s a surprise,” Lurch grunts. “A surprise….huhuhuh, a surprise for everybody!”
In Florida, Devoin is still M.I.A. Nova is confused as to where he is, and is probably wondering which city jail she and Briana are going to have to go bail Daddy Dearest out of this time. Brittany is not a happy camper. It’s been six hours and Devoin is still not there.
Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. It is Devoin! Papi BusPass has arrived in all his hoodlum glory!
Devoin is quite the sight. He looks like what would result if Snoop Dog and a Ninja Turtle had a love child. He’s wearing his hoodie (making him look turtle-like) and looks like he’s been hanging out with Kieffer in the park getting HIGH! HIGH! for the last six hours.
Brittany lets him in and refrains from smashing a vase over his head right then and there. She’s really showing restraint this season, and I’m proud of her. She does give the cameraman a look to let us know that it’s taking all the strength she has right now not to light Devoin on fire.
Devoin hasn’t seen his daughter for months, but he barely grunts in her direction when he sees her. Nova doesn’t even seem bothered by this. She doesn’t attempt to hug him or anything, which is really sad for a girl who has been waiting for six hours to see her dad.
“I had to do some things,” he tells Nova when she asks where the hell his deadbeat ass was all day.
Briana arrives home to find her ex in the room with her angry sister. Roxanne walks in then, and is cordial to Devoin. He realizes that he can make an escape now, so he darts out of the house as fast as possible. He was there for about an hour.
In Delaware, Kail and Javi are, again, not getting along. Apparently Javi has been blowing up Kail’s phone to accuse her of things, including being pregnant. Kail was feeling harassed so she filed a protective order against Javi. (The Ashley was the first to tell you this when it happened!)
Javi is no longer allowed within 100 yards of Kail unless he’s got Lincoln in tow. He’s no longer allowed to scale the walls of Kail’s house, or prowl outside for any reason.
“I’m afraid!” Kail says. “I’ve had enough! People have no idea who Javi is and I just keep my mouth shut.”
Just then, Javi arrives to drop off Lincoln. He doesn’t go into the house and quickly scurries away before Kail drops any more legal restrictions on him.
We’ve got a few minutes left in the episode, so why not throw in yet another proposal for Jenelle? This will be at least the third proposal we’ve seen just on the show for Jenelle. (We got to watch her say yes to her exes Gary and Nathan, if you’ll remember. There were other engagements, of course, but these were the only on-camera ones.)
It’s a beautiful day in the North Carolina mountains, and Lurch is being very creepy.
Jenelle says she feels bad leaving Ensley, who is still a newborn at this point.
I mean, yeah, but…you have to go on vacation, Jenelle. What can you do?
They make it up to the creepy trail Lurch keeps mentioning, and soon the camera crew is getting all covert, filming through the trees. Jenelle looks right at the camera, but pretends to be surprised when Lurch drops to one knee and starts motorboating her hand. He pulls out a ring.
“Thank you babe!” she says. “And it fits!”
Well…he had like four other engagement rings of yours lying around, I’m sure he could use them to figure out your ring size, Jenelle.
Finally, Lurch remembers he has to ask Jenelle to be his forever love. He proposes and she accepts because, well, it’s Jenelle.
They seal the proposal with a kiss and we’re all praying they don’t make their next lovechild right there on the edge of the cliff.
That’s all for this episode!
Next week, we finally get our first real glimpse of Babs (and Swamp Manor!), Briana gets a chance to confront Devoin, and Chelsea gets word that Adam is using drugs.
To read The Ashley’s recap of the previous episodes of ‘Teen Mom 2,’ click here!