‘Teen Mom 2’ Season 8 Episode 13 Recap: Labor Pains & Lipstick Lectures

“I wonder if there’s a way I can somehow have Brittany do this for me?”

It’s been a while since we’re hung out with our favorite baby-makin’ breeding machines, otherwise known as the gals from Teen Mom 2. On this episode, as per usual, one of the girls is getting ready to blast a baby from her nether regions. (I mean…is it even an episode of ‘Teen Mom 2’ if someone doesn’t give birth? Seriously, the Pitocin drip makes such frequent appearances on this show it should get its own torn piece-of-paper name tag thingy!)

There is a lot of other crap happening on this episode, so let’s get right into it. Briana is only going to be able to keep her legs together and hold that baby in for so long. (We obviously know that Bri has had some trouble with that whole ‘legs together’ thing in the past…)

“How, oh how, do these babies keep getting in my belly?!”

The episode starts off in Florida, where Briana is once again waiting on Luis. She’s not feeling well and Big Lou said he would come over (after he researches “trucking school” online, naturally) to help Briana. She’s been sitting on the couch all day, watching her sister Brittany stuff gummy bears into her gullet.

“I think I’m just over-doing it,” Briana, who is basically a few more moments of non-movement from being declared comatose, wails.

Shockingly, Big Lou actually shows up, and Nova refuses to look at him. (Who can blame the kid?) Briana gives Luis the baby’s car seat so he can get it installed in the car for her. (Oh great idea: give the dude who has no kids and most likely only learned to put his own seatbelt on a month ago the task of putting your baby’s car seat in the car.)

When you realize that the only person worse than you at choosing baby daddies is Jenelle…

Luis, of course, has no clue what the hell he’s doing. He’s  most likely already used up all his Metro PCS data minutes researching trucking schools online so he can’t even Google it! He calls Briana to come help him. She climbs in the car and starts explaining to Luis how a car seat works.

“You have to press down and then pull it out!” Briana explains.

Um…clearly Luis hasn’t gotten that whole “pull it out” thing down or you won’t be in this mess, Bri!

They get the seat installed and they begin to discuss Luis being around when Briana goes into labor. He promises that he will be there watching as Briana shoots his kid from her vaginal cannon. (Poor Lu– this is seriously the longest one-night stand ever!)

Next we dash on over to Kail‘s place to watch as she takes prepares to take family photos. Kail is talking about how different she is from the kids she went to college with. They don’t have jobs (or MTV camera crews in their kitchen), and they don’t have three kids they have to support. She’s considering going to grad school for marketing or business because she feels her newly earned Bachelors degree is useless in today’s economy.

“Hey, I’m not gonna get paid to fight with Javi on TV forever! I need to get a job! Wait…is that a four-letter word on this show? “

Kail’s concerned that her future plans may be derailed by– you guessed it!– a big useless lump of baby-daddy. She’s concerned that Baby Daddy 3, Chris, will bail as soon as they wash the amniotic fluid off the kid, leaving her to parent the baby all alone.

“Right now he wants a family and wants us to work out, but I have to plan for him to not be around,” Kail tells her friends. “Hopefully he’ll surprise me!”

We next check in with Jenelle, who is stoked that she and Lurch are –you guessed it!–going on vacation.

“I’m just saying, Jace…you can like Grandma Barb if you want…even though she drowns puppies and tried to murder Santa Claus…it’s up to you…”

They needed a break from hanging around on The Land, smokin’ “the weed” and fighting with people on Twitter so they decide to go to St. Thomas…again. This time, however, they are taking a few of their many spawn with them! Jace and Maryssa will be going on the vacation so that Jenelle can play “family picnic” Caribbean-style!

Lurch decides to climb a coconut tree. He looks like a big, oafy Gilligan as he shimmies up the tree and chucks coconuts at the kids (as you do).  Jenelle is practically foaming at the mouth to get within Wi-Fi range so she can post the video she took of him on Instagram.

Everyone’s having a great time (because Kaiser isn’t there, of course). Lurch pulls out a machete. (Oh, by all means give this knucklehead a deadly weapon! That will end well!)

Where’s a large group of angry monkeys when you need them?

He cuts into the coconuts as Jenelle takes Jace to talk about their happy family time. (Hopefully an MTV production assistant was properly supervising Lurch while they were away. That man should never be within 10 feet of anything sharp. Even felt tip pens are a stretch for him, honestly.)

Meanwhile, Leah is at the grocery store, stocking up on Lunchables, canisters of frosting and those weird blue juices that come in those plastic barrels. (Gotta keep them girls’ nutrient levels up, y’all.)

“To talk to your Psychic Friend about health, wealth or hawking crappy lipstick, press 1 now…”

Leah tells us that, to deal with the stress in her life, she’s been talking to a life coach. (Wait…is that like a Psychic Friend? Does she call Miss Cleo on the hotline or…?) She says her Life Coach has been helping her figure out what to do with her ding-dang life. Should she go back to college? Throw herself into the wonderful and exciting world of hawking lipstick on Facebook? Put on some low-rise jeans and one of the twins’ tank tops and knock on ol’ Corey Tyler‘s door and try to woo him back?

Just then Life Coach Lindsay calls up Leah to check up on her. Leah tells her that she thinks she finally knows what she wants to do with her life: She wants to become a motivational speaker! Life Coach Lindsay tells her that people love to listen to people talk about their “journey” and their “challenges.” (They also love to gawk at MTV reality TV show stars, so Leah should do well!)

Leah feels her challenges would make for an interesting motivational speech.

“I feel like I have really overcomed,” Leah says.

OK…I’m just gonna say it: If Leah’s going to be a motivational speaker, can someone please help her learn how to speak. I mean, she can only confuse “was” and “were” so many times in a speech before it just gets uncomfortable.

“If only the schools here were weller, I’d be a much better talker!”

“You are going to help so many people,” Life Coach Lindsay tells Leah. “I don’t even think you know the power of your story!”

Um…yes she does. It’s $300,000+ a season. How do you think she can afford to buy all that fake hair and a new car every other episode!?

Leah “just happens” to find a great opportunity to do some motivational speaking. Leah and the twins go to a nutrition store and order candy-filled milkshakes (um?) and Leah tells her pal that the lipstick people want her to do “a speaking.” Leah can talk about her life while 45 year-old housewives in those weird patterned leggings try on “Coral Breeze” and “Passionate Plum” lip paint.

Leah’s got a few days to write up what she’s going to say to inspire the  plain-lipped ladies of America!

“There’s no possible way MTV can make you look like a creepy, jealous animal-abusing kid for this episode!”

Finally, we check in with Chelsea, who is prepping for family vacation to Florida. They will be going to meet Winter the Dolphin. Aubree is in love with this dolphin, so she is very excited. The dolphin was rescued and now has a prosthetic tail. (What a coincidence! A bunch of the girls on this show have prosthetic tails too, thanks to Dr. Miami!)

Jenelle is done having a “La-De-Dah Time” in St. Thomas, and is back on “The Land.” Jace has been returned to Barbara, so Jenelle decides to finally give her middle child Kaiser some attention.

“No no! I won’t get back in that crib! You can’t make me!”

She takes him out of the Crib of Doom because it’s a special occasion– it’s his third birthday! Yes, kids, it’s been three years since we saw Jenelle strapped to an oxygen mask while the Spawn of Nathan plopped from her loins. #NeverForget

They are throwing Kaiser a birthday party, but first Jenelle and Lurch sit around talking about how much the kid missed them while they were away. (Meanwhile, Kaiser is hiding himself under a pillow, and most likely hoping his mom doesn’t find him and stick him back in that damn crib. It is his birthday, though, so she’ll probably throw a hot dog in there with him.)

“I can’t believe it’s been six years since I’ve had Kevin….what? Oh his name is Kaiser? And he’s only three? Crap.”

Jenelle regales us with a tale of Nathan calling up Kaiser the night before and telling him he got “him” a dog! Jenelle says that she is unhappy that Nate is “in and out” of Kaiser’s life.

(Um…Nate was “in and out” of your sausage wallet, Jenelle. That’s how you got Kaiser! Also, I wouldn’t be scolding anyone for being “in and out” of their kid’s life if I were Jenelle! Just sayin’…)

Lurch congratulates himself for being a great dad to Kaiser.

Meanwhile, Briana is heading home from ‘da clinic’ with Luis. Somehow Luis has managed to get his mitts on someone’s car so that he can drive her. (Hey, when you get a shorty pregnant, you do what you gotta do. I’m fairly certain that’s actually the title of a Gucci Mane song.)

“I wonder if she would believe it if I said I was abducted by aliens who wanted to study deadbeat dads? It’s worth a shot…”

She calls up Roxanne to inform her that the doctor is inducing her in a few days. As Briana’s talking to her mother about the baby coming, Big Lu is getting all weird and sweaty and is hunching lower and lower until his head is basically hanging out the window like a dog. He appears to be uncomfortable at the thought of someone calling him Daddy. (Well, other than some ho-nozzle at ‘da club’ who is asking him to spank her, of course.)

Luis then comes out of nowhere with The Big Question. He wants to know if Briana can forgive him for humping various skanks while she was pregnant with his child. He wants her to give him another chance. (To be fair, he’s probably just tired of living in his car, and is hoping to move into Briana’s house, aka “Man-Hating Manor.”)

This should really be the first family Christmas card, don’t ya think?

Briana doesn’t have an answer for her future baby-daddy, and says that they will have to see how things work out once she shoots the baby out of her cooter-rooter. Luis swears that he wants to be with Briana and live as a family with her and the baby.

Geez, Luis, you could have at least gone Gary-style and headed down to the ol’ Walmart and purchased a $15 ring to help woo her to your side. (Just be sure to keep that receipt!)

We head back over to The WV, where Leah, her sister Victoria and Allison (who is simply billed as a “lipstick company rep”) are all piling into Leah’s car (which is, coincidentally not the same car she had when she was talking on the phone with Life Coach Lindsay. Those lipstick sales must really be heatin’ up, y’all!)

“Lipstick is on and I’m ready to go sell some crap to unsuspecting women!”

As Leah pulls her car out of the driveway Lipstick Company Rep Allison pulls the mirror down to check her lipstick. It’s perfect, of course because this here is magical lipstick, guys. It’s not like normal lipstick that rubs off when you do normal things like eat canned ravioli.

“Tonight,” Leah says slowly, “I hope this event influences all of the women that’s there to be successful.”

Somehow, Lipstick Company Rep Allison manages to stifle her giggle, but does look concerned that Leah’s West Virginia grammar will make her look uneducated in front of the audience. (Hey– it ain’t Leah’s fault, y’all! The schools in West Virginia aren’t well!)

“I’m ready to inspire the girlses of America through the power of lipstick!”

Leah’s pretty nervous to get up there in front of a room full of women (who will all have their mouths shellacked with bright purple and orange lipstick colors.)

The girls arrive at the place where Leah will be giving her big speech. It’s some sort of “community café”/meeting room/cafeteria/hospital basement, which means Leah’s really going to have to class up her speech about getting knocked up at 17. This is a fine eatin’ establishment, after all! (It could actually be a food bank, though…I’m not really sure.)

Once inside, Lipstick Company Rep Allison is trying to talk Leah off the ledge (which is likely lined with “Cherries Jubilee” lip glosses).

“Leah, these aren’t notes…all you did was draw smiley faces with bright colored lips all over your paper.”

“You have to do this!” she tells Leah.

(That Allison sure does take hawking lipstick seriously, doesn’t she? Leah better give her speech or Allison might cut her…right before she shows off the amazing staying power of this Pink Posies lip tint, y’all!)

Lipstick Company Rep Allison has assembled a fine group of ladies for the event. No one looks particularly happy to be there (most likely because they all know they are going to end up being pressured into buying a bunch of Fright Night-esque lipstick shades.)

Is the lady on the far right asleep…or dead? No, seriously, is she?

Everyone is kind of crowded into the corner of the basement on a bunch of folding chairs, looking scared. You know what they need? A little LIFE COACHING and some real motivation to encourage them to GET OUT THERE AND BUY! SELL! LAUGH! LIVE! LOVE!

Lipstick Company Rep Allison explains to the crowd (most of whom look like they took those pills that made Leah talk about the dye in the baby’s head a few seasons back) that she is going to teach them to be smart about buying and selling lipstick. (See? What does Leah need The College for when she can get educated on the truly important things in life right there in a creepy basement?!)

“Jesus God Leah, this is gonna be bad….”

Leah reveals that they will also be talking about “Sponsorship and Sisterhood.”

Oh…OK. Now I get it. Leah’s joining some sort of sorority lipstick cult. I miss the olden days, when Leah was trying to get frisky with Jeremy on the side of the road during drop-off, and swinging by the gas station to fetch her kids’ lunches on the fly. This lipstick crap is just weird.

(Also, why do I feel like the lady with the bowl cut in the front row of the audience is going to message me on Facebook in a few days to tell me about a “wonderful opportunity” she thinks would “be perfect” for me?)

“Everyone knows someone who wants to buy fun makeup from you or wants to support you,” Lipstick Company Rep Allison tells the crowd.

“And when you sell lipstick and confidence, you know, you get to have lipstick and sisters and power of lipstick positivity.”

Actually, Allison, those things are true at all. No one wants to do those things. In fact, we all hate it when you attack us on social media and try to peddle your crap-of-the-week to us. Just because we had gym together in 10th grade doesn’t mean I want to buy whatever miracle lipstick/miracle leggings/miracle mascara/miracle rubber chicken you’re trying to hawk.

Anyway, Allison is explaining how to sell this junk, and Leah legit just keeps randomly spouting inspiration quotes she got straight from her Ziggy calendar. At one point, Allison is talking about how to make money and Leah just randomly blurts out “THE POWER IS WITHIN YOU!”

Seriously, that may have been the best part of this season so far.

Once Allison is tired of being interrupted by Leah’s fortune-cookie-esque outbursts, she tells her, “I think you should talk now.”

The crowd hushes and Leah looks like she’s going to throw up. (Luckily, her Peach Pearl lipstick will stay put, even through vomiting and hyperventilation, y’all!)

Allison tells Leah that everyone wants to hear about her.

“I think the only way out of this is to start calling monkey…”

Leah begins her speech and it’s basically the “I Have A Dream” of the new millennium. She whips out her Lisa Frank notebook and starts talking about the power of being positive…and having sisters…or something.

She’s giggling nervously (but everyone in the crowd is sitting there stone-faced, staring at her and wondering if MTV at least sprang for pizza to get them to listen to this wreck.)

It’s actually hard to watch. It may be one of the most cringe-worthy moments in ‘Teen Mom 2’ history (right behind that time that Kieffer dumped Jenelle and she chased his car down the driveway screaming “WHHHHHY?!” all Nancy Kerrigan-style. Those were some good times.)

Leah’s just rambling, inserting random inspirational words and phrases in between “I guess” and “you knows.” The true hero of this scene is the woman in the crowd who is taking notes from Leah’s speech. Sure, her notebook is probably filled with scrawlings that say “Note: Never go to some weird basement presentation again, even if there is an MTV reality star filming there” but, hey, it’s something!)

“Once you know the powerful value of you, you will excel at everything and anything that you do,” Leah tells the crowd before randomly adding, “Sorry…”

One girl can’t keep it together. She lets out an audible laugh right in the middle of Leah’s speech. Behind Chuckles we can see Leah’s sister Victoria. She’s got her head down and is on her phone, most likely texting Mama Dawn’s Jitterbug phone with the “S.O.S. Pull ’round back and come git us now. Things are going south fast!” message.

“Leah’s done made herself the laughin’ stock of the lipstick world!”

Leah encourages her audience to be confident (about 15 times) even though she is anything but confident.

Mercifully, Leah ends her speech and the women are finally released from their basement lipstick prison. Leah tells her sister that she doesn’t think things went well. She decides that she will no longer try to combine the Wonderful World of Lipstick with her motivational speeches.

Personally, I loved it. I want Leah to do a speech every single episode. In fact, I want her to be in the delivery room while Briana’s shooting out her youngin, motivating her during labor. (What can I say? I used to love those “crossover” episodes of 1990s sitcoms. ‘Member that time Urkel showed up on Full House?!)

In Delaware, Kail has more important things to worry about than lipstick. She’s preparing to graduate college (!)  and is taking her graduation photos…pregnant, of course. I mean, this still is ‘Teen Mom.’

“Why does Leah keep texting me and asking if I want to buy lipstick? I’m busy here!”

She has the boys pose with her baby bump for a few photos. (Also, did anyone else think it was a little funny when the photographer told the boys to “Say Monkey” when they took the picture. I half expected Leah to come bounding out from behind the bushes– lipstick in hand– screaming “MONKEY! MOOOOONKEY!”)

Later, Kail and the boys go out to eat with Javi. She may be taking him to court for child support caaaash, but they can still split a pizza and a basket of chicken wings. Kail vows to get her life together “for this baby.” Javi is being really supportive, despite all of the problems she has with him. He is very proud of her for finishing college. Kail tells Javi that he shouldn’t be expecting a graduation invite in the mail, so he comes back with the perfect insult to piss Kail off.

“Tell me again how you did it without any help from anyone. I’ll wait…”

“I pretty much got you here!” he tells her. “Putting the kids to bed so you could do homework, that was all me!”

Kail looks like she wants to knock Javi ‘upside the head with a pizza pan, but she keeps it together and laughs it off.

In North Carolina, it’s “rainin’ cats and dogs” outside but that isn’t spoiling Kaiser’s birthday party. Barbara has arrived (because we know she’s a “paaaahrty gaaahl!”) and so has Nathan to celebrate Karl…er Kaiser’s big day. Kaiser looks thrilled to finally be out of his damn crib. They could have seriously taken him to the dentist office for his birthday and he would have been stoked.

We already know what he wished for…different parents.

They bring out his birthday cake and everyone, (including BARB!) sings happy birthday to him. (I love how Babs sings the song: “Happy birfffday to you! Happy birffday to you! Happy birfffday to Kaisaaaaa! Happy birfffday tooo youuuuu!” Please, God, someone make The Ashley a tape of that!)

Kaiser looks like he wants to bolt from the building while the lights are off and the knuckleheads are thinking about cake. He ends up staying, though, and gets to play with some random things. Jenelle spends the day posing for pictures with Ensley, of course.

“Quiet, Mom or I’ll tell the kids to use you as the pinata!”

Barb takes the opportunity to suggest to Jenelle that– now that they’re gettin’ along better– they should all go play Family Picnic at a mountain cabin or something. Of course Jenelle, being the bitch of a daughta that she is, says that she has to get Lurch’s permission. She then tells Barb that the only reason they’re getting along better is because they don’t talk unless it’s about Jace.

“I’m being civil,” Jenelle tells her mom. “I still don’t like you. You still have my son and you won’t give him back. You can’t just sit here and f**k Jenelle over and expect her to just forgive you!”

“Well Juh-nelle…I see ya bein’ mean ta me again. Are ya still mad at me for the time I got ya jumpa cables for YOUR birffday?”

“OK! Then we won’t go away togetha!” Barb says.

I, for one, am disappointed. I was so hoping they’d all go up the mountain– Jenelle, Barb, Lurch and the cornocopia of kids and things would end with David in a cop car screaming “Why am I a guy?,” Barb pulling smores pokers out of her rearend and Jenelle sitting in the bushes screaming “LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!”

#IfOnly

Later Jenelle tells her friend that she plans to snatch custody of Jace away from Barb, and never allow her to see him again. Then, she tells her pal that she’s thrilled to not be inviting her mother to her and David’s upcoming wedding.

“She’ll be sorry when she doesn’t even get to meet my next 10 kids!”

“That’s the price you pay for f**king someone over!” Jenelle declares.

Or, you know, taking care of someone’s kids for seven-plus years while that person is out smokin’ weed, getting in fights, doing time in every jail in North Carolina and, of course, focusing on various soulmates instead of their son.

We catch back up with Chelsea, who is in Florida with the family. Randy and Rita are joining in on the Tail-less Dolphin Festivities and Aubree is overwhelmed with excitement. They arrive at the aquarium and the tour guide shows them around. They see all kinds of animals and a pelican named Rufus (who is precious.)

“It’s so rubbery! It feels like Farrah’s face!”

Finally, Aubree gets to meet Winter the Dolphin. It’s an adorable moment and she’s thrilled. (Did anyone else feel a little bad for the other kids in their group though? Like, couldn’t they let the nephew come into the tank too? Poor kid was stuck looking longingly at Aubree from behind the bars.)

You know who is also in Florida? Briana. She’s not playing with animals, though. She’s actually preparing to birth her baby in three days. Nova is excited about her new sister’s arrival. Luckily for Nova, she doesn’t have to wait the whole three days.

“I should have never turned down for what…”

Briana starts having contractions right there in the living room. She bends over a table and huffs and puffs. It’s probably reminiscent of the day that Stella was conceived, actually.

Brittany advises her sister to call up Big Lu and tell him to “start getting his s**t ready.” She calls him up and he agrees to meet them at the hospital. Before she rushes off to the hospital, though, she takes the time to fill her mom in on Luis asking her to be his girlfriend again.

“Here we go again!”

There’s no time to think about that though–Briana’s got a baby to push out! Roxanne is rushing to the hospital as Briana is moaning in pain and trying to keep Stella from shooting out while they’re on the expressway. Luis arrives and they all go into the hospital. Just then, Briana’s water breaks. She’s leaking fluid all over the hospital driveway. (I’m sure the poor janitor will appreciate cleaning that up later that night.)

Brittany could care less that her sister is about to birth yet another child. She’s just upset that Briana spewed amniotic fluid all over her sweater. I kind of love Brittany.

“If I was a veteran cast member of ‘Teen Mom 2’ I wouldn’t have to give birth on camera. This sucks!”

Apparently, the MTV crew couldn’t get to the hospital in time, so Britt whips out her phone and saves the day by filming every one of Briana’s grunts and grimaces. Luis looks bored as hell in the background, and you can tell he’s trying to figure out if there’s any way he can split even before the baby’s born.

Briana’s in bed, cursing the day that she let Luis convince her not to visit “da clinic.”

“I can’t do this! No more kids!” Briana tells her mom.

Roxanne uses the experience as a teaching moment.

“Maybe next time you’ll be a little more careful!” she tells her laboring daughter.

Um…not if she wants to remain on ‘Teen Mom 2’ she won’t!

Briana’s pushing and grunting and soon the baby’s head is visible and Brittany delivers another epic line.

“The hair is out of your vagina already,” she tells Briana.

Welcome to the world, Stella Star…and good luck with that name!

Soon Stella slips and slides her way out of Briana’s baby chute. Briana bursts into tears.

Everyone celebrates the baby’s birth and we learn that Briana has named her daughter…wait for it…Stella Star!

AS.YOU.DO.

Until next week, kids!

To read The Ashley’s other reality TV recaps, click here!

(Photos: MTV)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

54 Comments

  1. And let’s not forget she actually did a voiceover saying, verbatim, ‘Jace doesn’t need me, he has my mom.’ Not after court when she texted it again a couple episodes ago, when Jace was an infant and she signed him over. Not to mention Jenelle completely glosses over the fact that CPS was involved and going to place Jace in foster care if Babs didn’t agree to it. (Which, arguably, may have been the better option for him. He could’ve been placed with a loving couple looking to foster to adopt and avoided the whole shit show.) Off topic but LMAO at her referring to herself in the third person so many times. ‘You can’t fuck Jenelle over and expect Jenelle to forgive.’ I was rolling 🙂


  2. Does anyone else think that the new girl kailyn is dating looks like she could be the father of the two oldest boys??


  3. Is anyone else not annoyed @ how disrespectful Bri and her family are to the baby dads? Lol
    Like what does that make Briana who chose them..?!
    JUST AS BAD!


    1. This week when Luis left it was like after midnight and somehow nova was just up listening to them all complain. That poor kid. She’s going to grow up thinking all men are evil.


  4. You’ve surpassed yourself, The Ashley! ‘Cooter-rooter’…’ho-nozzle’. ‘Sausage wallet’ may have actually induced laughter-related cardiac arrest in my case. Thank you for brightening my days!


  5. OK, because I’m positive that Jenelle or Lurch read the site (hi guys!!!), I’m just going to leave this here:

    Jenelle, sweetie. Your mother didn’t take your son. You remember when you decided you couldn’t be a parent because you wanted nothing more than to hang out with Kiefer and get HIGH HIGH HIGH because he was your soulmate, dude, and the kid was really cramping your style…I mean it was hard to raise your kid? Remember that? And then you and your mother when to the courthouse where you signed a piece of paper giving Jace to your mother so you could be free as a bird? Oh, sure, you stopped by, acted like a fun big sister, then beat feet the second Kiefer or whichever Soulmate of the Week you were hanging out with beeped the horn from the driveway.

    Does any of this ring a bell? Because we all remember. You. Signed. Your. Son. Over. To. Your. Mother. As in “don’t want him, so give him to Mom”. As in “why in God’s name would Babs ‘give your son back’ when you’ve proven time and time again that you aren’t fit to raise him or even care about him until Lurch came along and all of a sudden has a real hankerin’ for Jace to be there.”

    So I guess what I’m saying is, you should be thanking your mother for raising your kid and putting up with your ignorant drug-abusing hoebag stuck up selfish self.


    1. Dude you’re so rude dude! I just want my freaking son Jace back and Babs won’t give him to me 🙁


  6. Why was there like no one at Kaiser’s party?? Did anyone else notice that Luis asked Bri to make it work for the babys sake IN A MCDONALD’S PARKING LOT?? and during her delivery the nurse said ” no noise” when she started to scream? and Leah’s speech… I really hope that was edited to look horrible because I honestly had to cover my eyes because I was so embarrased for her.


    1. My guess is that no one came to Kaiser’s party because no parent in their right mind would voluntarily bring their child to THE LAND.


  7. Everything about this episode was uncomfortable. Kaisers birthday, Leah’s speech, Aubree’s poor cousin looking on as his famous cousin gets to have all of the fun because ya know, she’s famous, and Briana as a whole. Also…Stella Star? This idiot. About as bad as Lux Russell Lopez. Who’s helping these morons name their crib midgets?


    1. Just because you don’t like the names does not meant that they are stupid. I think Stella Star is a pretty name. Also there may be a reason behind why they chose those names. Don’t knock what other’s do just cause you think it’s stupid. 🙁 So Sad!


  8. “I’m just saying, Jace…you can like Grandma Barb if you want…even though she drowns puppies and tried to murder Santa Claus…it’s up to you.”

    THIS.


    1. Dude Jace should hate his meme. She took him away from me. She tricked me and made me sign him over. He’ll be so much happier once he’s with me and David and won’t have to see her ever again.


  9. Jenelle should realize that her mother does protect her. She didn’t sell the story that Jenelle had tested positive for weed after she had Ensley. She also agreed to take Jace when she wasn’t making any money from MTV. Also have to give Barbara props because she continues to work hard at Walmart. She could do easy work promoting things or selling stories but she continues to work hard.


  10. Is it just me or does Briana seem to be mentally slow? She seems like she has the maturity of a 13 year old not a 23 year old…


    1. She’s so slow it’s to the point where I don’t even think it’s legal for these guys to be having sex with her.


    2. I have literally been saying this for months. There’s definitely something wrong with her. She’s way too immature at 23 to have two children. Both her mother and sister help her more than any other parent on the show have helped their daughter, and she still has no idea what she’s doing, and is in way over her head. It’s like she never left 16 & Pregnant.


  11. Does anyone else think the back of Ensley’s head is flat, probably from not being held enough or laid on her back too often? Poor thing, cute as a button.


    1. I definitely agree, that poor little button has a very oddly shaped head. Maybe she’ll grow into it? Who do we think she looks like? Kieffa? ?


      1. Kaiser is the spitting image of Nathan, which is probably one of the reasons Jenelle treats him so poorly. For reasons that are beyond me, I don’t think she’s ever really gotten over Nathan.

        Ensley looks like David, and I’m not sure who Jace looks like. As an aside, please tell me someone else has seen the weird baby photoshoot Jenelle did while sitting fully clothed in a tub of milky liquid! To top it all off, she’s wearing a crown of flowers, too! It’s fabulous in that bizarre car crash sort of way!


    2. I was just thinking about how strange it is that her head is more oddly shaped now then after she was born. which is the opposite of how it should be. usually newborns often have an oddly shaped head that rounds out on a few months. jenelle’s daughter’s head is doing the opposite.


    3. I think it looks like she needs helmet therapy, most likely for positional plagiocephaly. Sadly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenelle hasn’t taken her to the doctor to be diagnosed…


  12. My hatred for Jenelle grows in every episode. Barbra tried to make nice and suggest they go do something as a family. Even though it is her son’s birthday party and they aren’t supposed to be fighting she automatically starts acting like a witch. I love how Barb realized that and tried to just end it but nope not Jenelle. Also she didn’t take Jace from you Jenelle you signed over your rights and still can’t even fulfill what the courts ask of you to get him back. She didn’t make you smoke weed while pregnant which probably played a factor in you not getting him back this time. Barb actually loves Jace and isn’t just going to release him over to your hectic household because you want to play house. You complain and yell because Kaiser was too much for you and you couldn’t do it dude. So your immediate thought is too have another child and try to get custody of Jace. I just can’t with this girl. True definition of a narcissistic……. I also wonder if MTV brought Brianna in so they could phase Chelsea out. I love Chelsea but feel like she’s growing up and doesn’t want to do it anymore. So instead of letting Chelsea leave and throw in a new mom their phasing Brianna in as well as phasing her out. Her segments don’t get much air time anymore. Which is sad because it’s nice to see a normalcy without drama.


  13. Just an outstanding write up, The Ashley. I will have to go back and watch Leah’s “speaching”. I am hoping she starts going with flavored lipsticks. A nice ravioli red that can not only mask tomato sauce stained lips but also quells hunger cravings, or creates them, depending on your love of ravioli. I am also thinking a “Little Hug” blue color would be great for all of the “working sisters” that have to slick up the brass pole to support their younguns. And yes, I feel like a reunion show should be had wherein she can no longer cry monkey, since she decided to sell her neuroses to the un-hosed off masses.

    OK Kail. What a freakin ugly crapgoblin of a person. She wants to go for a Masters??? LMAO. Honey spare us all your embarrassment. Just add to the sleeve tattoo and rely on the money you should have been socking away instead of buying plastic surgery that still makes you look like a garbage bag of mashed potatoes. At least the outside matches the inside now, like an angry narwhal that got caught in a fishing net. Javi, move on. Stop contacting her. Just get a normal job and re-learn everything you know about masculinity because those idiots you hang out with are losers. You are no prize yourself, chief. Get a hobby that doesn’t involve beating something or simply improving your middle of the road looks. Find something that makes you interesting outside of f*cking some angry blubber mass and turning her lesbian…

    Chelsea remains a breath of fresh air on the show. I hope she stays the course. She seems to have it the most together at this point. I am sure appearances are deceiving, but dammit, we need some sanity or control in this experiment lol.

    Brianna is just boring to watch. There is a simple kind of stupid, like feeding your kids lunchables, and then there is another kind of stupid like thinking a rap sheet is a CV of accomplishment. “He almost stole that car!!” Yeah, maybe next time if he keeps practicing. All I see when she comes on is my tax dollars flowing out to care for her crotch fruit after they all get rounded up riding a hot box to pick up Taco Bell for breakfast. If there isn’t a handgun under the baby seat used in 5 other crimes, I owe you all a coke. Stay away from the cock for a few years, Brianna! They just see you as a wet hole (which is fair). Maybe read something other than facebook and learn origami. Make yourself interesting.

    Ah Jenelle should just be in prison. Not county, not jail. DFACS should just give em to Babs and garnish the Chin’s wages to supplement childcare. Get it put into an escrow account so Chin can’t put it on her ‘book’ in da pokey. I am sure Lurch will keester some Ramen noodles and Xanny bars for her like the load bearing wall he is lol.


    1. Your comment made me literally laugh out loud. Agree with most of it. I also read today that Kail is now dating a woman who btw looks like a man. But so does linebacker Kail so…I wish she would learn to keep her legs shut so her boys don’t grow up thinking all women are good for is sex. I used to be indifferent to Kail but now I pretty much despise her. She’s evil, vindictive, and slutty. She brags about how “confident” she is yet always needs a man/woman to tell her she is worthy of love. I don’t know why people say “but she is a good mom”. A good mom does not bring constant lovers in and out of kids lives, does not constantly fight and belittle others in front the kids, etc. Good for her and her degree. Guess what, I have a bachelors too and it doesnt make me any better than others. It also doesn’t give me the right to whore myself out, teach my kids to be disgraceful, and treat other people like pure shit. She needs to grow the f up and start worrying about her boys.


      1. Thank you, Christy 🙂 Glad you enjoyed it. I can be a little rough on em at times but they are all grown ass women at this point. Not too many of us were lucky enough to have MTV foot the bill for our life mistakes. Many have learned little to nothing from the whole experience, while others *cough Kail cough* have gotten progressively worse. I agree with you 🙂 She is petty, vindictive, and sleazy. Not that Javi didn’t play a huge role in that ol mister “I’m John Wayne-emotions are for girls” mentality that he did during their time together. His current shtick of showing up after the gym and then wanting water, to pee, to copy his shows off the DVR (just kidding) is pretty childish. He should buy a child seat, wait in the driveway, and be there 5 minutes early for pickup/dropoff. I can almost guarantee you Kail has a PI watching him for custody/support hearings. She seems like she is at that point in her chunky life. Javi would be wise to do the same and stay the hell away from that house.

        Yep Chinelle is a right POS. Hoping the law will catch up to her soon 😉


    2. Emotionally Bereft, I was seriously close to pissing my pants as I read your comment, I was laughing SO hard! Omg I totally needed that, thank you!


  14. Probably my all-time favorite recap. I laughed out loud multiple times. Thanks, Ashley! Keep ‘em coming!


  15. Hey TheAshley, Luis has a kid already. A 9 yr old, if I remember correctly!

    Although, I still would have zero faith in him putting in a car seat!


  16. Can I ask with zero side eye, Ensley has the cutest little face but her head seems too big. I wonder if that’s a side affect from mum’s ‘recreational self medication’ or UBT’s brick of a head?


    1. I think she just has Davids chipmunk cheeks, on top of already having pudgy baby cheeks. I hate her parents, but I just wanna squeeze that adorable little baby! It’s a shame Jennelle is such a shit mom, all of her children come out absolutely gorgeous.


  17. Jenelle is the definition of delusional. And so hateful, she only wants her son back to get back at her mother! And imagine if Jace loses the only person he knows is good to him and raised him! David doesn’t help ofc with putting stupid ideas in her head.
    Poor Kaiser, man, I feel bad for the kid. If Jace has Babs, he has no one to look up to. Ensley and Maryssa aren’t far behind too.

    LOL, KAIL, DON’T TELL ME YOU SECRETLY DON’T WANT THIS! She needed to get pregnant with baby daddy #3 to finally try to get a deadbeat of a father! Jo and Javi are in their kid’s lives (Javi is also in Isaac’s which is great, he is very lucky to have not only one but two dad figures!) so ofc she had to get another who will maybe REALLY be a deadbeat. Didn’t Chris meet baby Lo (still no name is ridiculous) already tho?

    Chelsea’s life is well and boring. I’m sure Briana was put in the show for the same reason.

    Leah, NO, sorry but NO. You ARE NOT meant to be a motivational speaker! Her life coach is crazy to tell her she will nail it. Stick with selling lipstick.

    Briana, again, it takes two to tango. Maybe you should have thought twice before you got pregnant with some random dude you just met in a club. Make better life decisions.


    1. I’m positive her “life coach” is just someone that lucked out by giving her advice at the best pair of shoes to get that the Super Piggly Wiggly and Leah decided to pay money to get other nuggets of good advice…


    1. Chelsea: Are you having fun, kiddo? This place is amazing, right?

      Jenelle: Aren’t you glad I brought you here? Aren’t I the best mommy ever?


  18. So much yes to this recap!! I was snickering while reading, all the way through ! My husband just kept looking at me, as you do! You really are the best!


  19. So many names for the vagina lol here my daughter and i call them jimmy jams but she’s four lol.
    Love the recap but these girls are all delusional and a hot mess.
    I wish Chelsea would move on with her life now that she’s the only one who has her shit together or maybe she and winter the dolphin could swim and communicate with each other (cue stupid baby talk)


    1. Where else can Chelsea earn six figures sitting on the couch talking about A-D-A-M. I like the girl, but she’s going to ride this pony until it drops.


  20. Janelle should never have custody. It’s always about her, she doesn’t care about Jace. Her plan to get him back and never let him see his grandmother again proves that. It’s not in his best interest to lose the person who raised him.

    I like how Leah calls the lipstick crap her business. Everyone on my Facebook does too. They all think they’re friggin small business owners cause they pressure everyone they know into buying crap.

    I’ve wondered if they only brought briana back cause her sister is kinda awesome. I love Brittany.


  21. -Jenelle really needs to SHUT UP and stop whining about “getting Jace back”….it’s not gonna happen, and she needs to realize that belittling, bullying, screaming and verbally abusing her mother isn’t gonna make Babs hand over custody of Jace. Jenelle is such an evil and ungrateful narcissist that only cares about herself and the guy she’s dating at the moment.

    -My second hand embarrassment for Leah during her “speech” was at a level 10 LOL….I will say though Leah is doing a lot better than she was about 2 seasons ago. She was a complete mess back then, and now she seems like she’s taking the right steps to stay healthy and better herself. Hope she keeps it up.

    -Did anyone else notice how lop sided and deformed Briana’s ass was when she was walking into the hospital? Her backside makes her look like an ant, and she needs to stop with the plastic surgery.


  22. I usually love reading your TM and TM2 recaps…but this one read way more mean spirited than usual. These girls are ridiculous, of course, but damm.


    1. I totally agree. Not only was the tone completely different than normal, but there were a plethora of grammatical and factual mistakes. I love you The Ashley, but this was a weird recap.


    2. Sometimes the truth hurts. Leah’s biggest problem is that she wants accomplishments without putting in the work. She wants to be a college graduate but doesn’t actually want to do the work in class. She wants to be a happy wife but she doesn’t want to put work into a marriage. This week she wants to be a motivational speaker but she doesn’t want to learn anything about speaking publicly before stepping on a stage and embarrassing herself.
      I am a firm believer that anyone can accomplish anything if they’re willing to put in the hard work and effort that it takes. Until she begins to understand that, she will continue to bounce from idea to idea, doomed for failure because she doesn’t understand how to achieve her goals. Shame on that “life coach” for telling her it was a good idea. It clearly was not and anyone who has watched the show would agree. Leah should have been guided by her LIFE COACH into some public and motivational speaking classes, and some writing classes while we are at it, BEFORE accepting an offer to speak publicly. That scene was so insanely awkward…the way she was standing, leaning on her leg, almost doing lunges…I almost covered my eyes. When this show ends, and it will, (most) of these girls will have such a shock of a lifetime they aren’t going to know which way is up. Another poster on a different thread made a comment about how a social experiment about girls getting pregnant at a young age has turned into a social experiment about young girls getting “reality TV famous” and I couldn’t agree more. People who watch this show have seen this girls become mentally warped with this perceived fame and temporary fortune. Good luck, you’re going to need it.


  23. OMG Ever since I saw Leah’s speech I’ve been waiting for The Ashley’s reaction and maaan it was worth it! ? I laughed out so loud when I saw the image of Jenelle in the bushes screaming “leave me alone!”

    Seriously, your recaps are the BEST!

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