It’s been a while since we’re hung out with our favorite baby-makin’ breeding machines, otherwise known as the gals from Teen Mom 2. On this episode, as per usual, one of the girls is getting ready to blast a baby from her nether regions. (I mean…is it even an episode of ‘Teen Mom 2’ if someone doesn’t give birth? Seriously, the Pitocin drip makes such frequent appearances on this show it should get its own torn piece-of-paper name tag thingy!)
There is a lot of other crap happening on this episode, so let’s get right into it. Briana is only going to be able to keep her legs together and hold that baby in for so long. (We obviously know that Bri has had some trouble with that whole ‘legs together’ thing in the past…)
The episode starts off in Florida, where Briana is once again waiting on Luis. She’s not feeling well and Big Lou said he would come over (after he researches “trucking school” online, naturally) to help Briana. She’s been sitting on the couch all day, watching her sister Brittany stuff gummy bears into her gullet.
“I think I’m just over-doing it,” Briana, who is basically a few more moments of non-movement from being declared comatose, wails.
Shockingly, Big Lou actually shows up, and Nova refuses to look at him. (Who can blame the kid?) Briana gives Luis the baby’s car seat so he can get it installed in the car for her. (Oh great idea: give the dude who has no kids and most likely only learned to put his own seatbelt on a month ago the task of putting your baby’s car seat in the car.)
Luis, of course, has no clue what the hell he’s doing. He’s most likely already used up all his Metro PCS data minutes researching trucking schools online so he can’t even Google it! He calls Briana to come help him. She climbs in the car and starts explaining to Luis how a car seat works.
“You have to press down and then pull it out!” Briana explains.
Um…clearly Luis hasn’t gotten that whole “pull it out” thing down or you won’t be in this mess, Bri!
They get the seat installed and they begin to discuss Luis being around when Briana goes into labor. He promises that he will be there watching as Briana shoots his kid from her vaginal cannon. (Poor Lu– this is seriously the longest one-night stand ever!)
Next we dash on over to Kail‘s place to watch as she takes prepares to take family photos. Kail is talking about how different she is from the kids she went to college with. They don’t have jobs (or MTV camera crews in their kitchen), and they don’t have three kids they have to support. She’s considering going to grad school for marketing or business because she feels her newly earned Bachelors degree is useless in today’s economy.
Kail’s concerned that her future plans may be derailed by– you guessed it!– a big useless lump of baby-daddy. She’s concerned that Baby Daddy 3, Chris, will bail as soon as they wash the amniotic fluid off the kid, leaving her to parent the baby all alone.
“Right now he wants a family and wants us to work out, but I have to plan for him to not be around,” Kail tells her friends. “Hopefully he’ll surprise me!”
We next check in with Jenelle, who is stoked that she and Lurch are –you guessed it!–going on vacation.
They needed a break from hanging around on The Land, smokin’ “the weed” and fighting with people on Twitter so they decide to go to St. Thomas…again. This time, however, they are taking a few of their many spawn with them! Jace and Maryssa will be going on the vacation so that Jenelle can play “family picnic” Caribbean-style!
Lurch decides to climb a coconut tree. He looks like a big, oafy Gilligan as he shimmies up the tree and chucks coconuts at the kids (as you do). Jenelle is practically foaming at the mouth to get within Wi-Fi range so she can post the video she took of him on Instagram.
Everyone’s having a great time (because Kaiser isn’t there, of course). Lurch pulls out a machete. (Oh, by all means give this knucklehead a deadly weapon! That will end well!)
He cuts into the coconuts as Jenelle takes Jace to talk about their happy family time. (Hopefully an MTV production assistant was properly supervising Lurch while they were away. That man should never be within 10 feet of anything sharp. Even felt tip pens are a stretch for him, honestly.)
Meanwhile, Leah is at the grocery store, stocking up on Lunchables, canisters of frosting and those weird blue juices that come in those plastic barrels. (Gotta keep them girls’ nutrient levels up, y’all.)
Leah tells us that, to deal with the stress in her life, she’s been talking to a life coach. (Wait…is that like a Psychic Friend? Does she call Miss Cleo on the hotline or…?) She says her Life Coach has been helping her figure out what to do with her ding-dang life. Should she go back to college? Throw herself into the wonderful and exciting world of hawking lipstick on Facebook? Put on some low-rise jeans and one of the twins’ tank tops and knock on ol’ Corey Tyler‘s door and try to woo him back?
Just then Life Coach Lindsay calls up Leah to check up on her. Leah tells her that she thinks she finally knows what she wants to do with her life: She wants to become a motivational speaker! Life Coach Lindsay tells her that people love to listen to people talk about their “journey” and their “challenges.” (They also love to gawk at MTV reality TV show stars, so Leah should do well!)
Leah feels her challenges would make for an interesting motivational speech.
“I feel like I have really overcomed,” Leah says.
OK…I’m just gonna say it: If Leah’s going to be a motivational speaker, can someone please help her learn how to speak. I mean, she can only confuse “was” and “were” so many times in a speech before it just gets uncomfortable.
“You are going to help so many people,” Life Coach Lindsay tells Leah. “I don’t even think you know the power of your story!”
Um…yes she does. It’s $300,000+ a season. How do you think she can afford to buy all that fake hair and a new car every other episode!?
Leah “just happens” to find a great opportunity to do some motivational speaking. Leah and the twins go to a nutrition store and order candy-filled milkshakes (um?) and Leah tells her pal that the lipstick people want her to do “a speaking.” Leah can talk about her life while 45 year-old housewives in those weird patterned leggings try on “Coral Breeze” and “Passionate Plum” lip paint.
Leah’s got a few days to write up what she’s going to say to inspire the plain-lipped ladies of America!
Finally, we check in with Chelsea, who is prepping for family vacation to Florida. They will be going to meet Winter the Dolphin. Aubree is in love with this dolphin, so she is very excited. The dolphin was rescued and now has a prosthetic tail. (What a coincidence! A bunch of the girls on this show have prosthetic tails too, thanks to Dr. Miami!)
Jenelle is done having a “La-De-Dah Time” in St. Thomas, and is back on “The Land.” Jace has been returned to Barbara, so Jenelle decides to finally give her middle child Kaiser some attention.
She takes him out of the Crib of Doom because it’s a special occasion– it’s his third birthday! Yes, kids, it’s been three years since we saw Jenelle strapped to an oxygen mask while the Spawn of Nathan plopped from her loins. #NeverForget
They are throwing Kaiser a birthday party, but first Jenelle and Lurch sit around talking about how much the kid missed them while they were away. (Meanwhile, Kaiser is hiding himself under a pillow, and most likely hoping his mom doesn’t find him and stick him back in that damn crib. It is his birthday, though, so she’ll probably throw a hot dog in there with him.)
Jenelle regales us with a tale of Nathan calling up Kaiser the night before and telling him he got “him” a dog! Jenelle says that she is unhappy that Nate is “in and out” of Kaiser’s life.
(Um…Nate was “in and out” of your sausage wallet, Jenelle. That’s how you got Kaiser! Also, I wouldn’t be scolding anyone for being “in and out” of their kid’s life if I were Jenelle! Just sayin’…)
Lurch congratulates himself for being a great dad to Kaiser.
Meanwhile, Briana is heading home from ‘da clinic’ with Luis. Somehow Luis has managed to get his mitts on someone’s car so that he can drive her. (Hey, when you get a shorty pregnant, you do what you gotta do. I’m fairly certain that’s actually the title of a Gucci Mane song.)
She calls up Roxanne to inform her that the doctor is inducing her in a few days. As Briana’s talking to her mother about the baby coming, Big Lu is getting all weird and sweaty and is hunching lower and lower until his head is basically hanging out the window like a dog. He appears to be uncomfortable at the thought of someone calling him Daddy. (Well, other than some ho-nozzle at ‘da club’ who is asking him to spank her, of course.)
Luis then comes out of nowhere with The Big Question. He wants to know if Briana can forgive him for humping various skanks while she was pregnant with his child. He wants her to give him another chance. (To be fair, he’s probably just tired of living in his car, and is hoping to move into Briana’s house, aka “Man-Hating Manor.”)
Briana doesn’t have an answer for her future baby-daddy, and says that they will have to see how things work out once she shoots the baby out of her cooter-rooter. Luis swears that he wants to be with Briana and live as a family with her and the baby.
Geez, Luis, you could have at least gone Gary-style and headed down to the ol’ Walmart and purchased a $15 ring to help woo her to your side. (Just be sure to keep that receipt!)
We head back over to The WV, where Leah, her sister Victoria and Allison (who is simply billed as a “lipstick company rep”) are all piling into Leah’s car (which is, coincidentally not the same car she had when she was talking on the phone with Life Coach Lindsay. Those lipstick sales must really be heatin’ up, y’all!)
As Leah pulls her car out of the driveway Lipstick Company Rep Allison pulls the mirror down to check her lipstick. It’s perfect, of course because this here is magical lipstick, guys. It’s not like normal lipstick that rubs off when you do normal things like eat canned ravioli.
“Tonight,” Leah says slowly, “I hope this event influences all of the women that’s there to be successful.”
Somehow, Lipstick Company Rep Allison manages to stifle her giggle, but does look concerned that Leah’s West Virginia grammar will make her look uneducated in front of the audience. (Hey– it ain’t Leah’s fault, y’all! The schools in West Virginia aren’t well!)
Leah’s pretty nervous to get up there in front of a room full of women (who will all have their mouths shellacked with bright purple and orange lipstick colors.)
The girls arrive at the place where Leah will be giving her big speech. It’s some sort of “community café”/meeting room/cafeteria/hospital basement, which means Leah’s really going to have to class up her speech about getting knocked up at 17. This is a fine eatin’ establishment, after all! (It could actually be a food bank, though…I’m not really sure.)
Once inside, Lipstick Company Rep Allison is trying to talk Leah off the ledge (which is likely lined with “Cherries Jubilee” lip glosses).
“You have to do this!” she tells Leah.
(That Allison sure does take hawking lipstick seriously, doesn’t she? Leah better give her speech or Allison might cut her…right before she shows off the amazing staying power of this Pink Posies lip tint, y’all!)
Lipstick Company Rep Allison has assembled a fine group of ladies for the event. No one looks particularly happy to be there (most likely because they all know they are going to end up being pressured into buying a bunch of Fright Night-esque lipstick shades.)
Everyone is kind of crowded into the corner of the basement on a bunch of folding chairs, looking scared. You know what they need? A little LIFE COACHING and some real motivation to encourage them to GET OUT THERE AND BUY! SELL! LAUGH! LIVE! LOVE!
Lipstick Company Rep Allison explains to the crowd (most of whom look like they took those pills that made Leah talk about the dye in the baby’s head a few seasons back) that she is going to teach them to be smart about buying and selling lipstick. (See? What does Leah need The College for when she can get educated on the truly important things in life right there in a creepy basement?!)
Leah reveals that they will also be talking about “Sponsorship and Sisterhood.”
Oh…OK. Now I get it. Leah’s joining some sort of sorority lipstick cult. I miss the olden days, when Leah was trying to get frisky with Jeremy on the side of the road during drop-off, and swinging by the gas station to fetch her kids’ lunches on the fly. This lipstick crap is just weird.
(Also, why do I feel like the lady with the bowl cut in the front row of the audience is going to message me on Facebook in a few days to tell me about a “wonderful opportunity” she thinks would “be perfect” for me?)
“Everyone knows someone who wants to buy fun makeup from you or wants to support you,” Lipstick Company Rep Allison tells the crowd.
Actually, Allison, those things are true at all. No one wants to do those things. In fact, we all hate it when you attack us on social media and try to peddle your crap-of-the-week to us. Just because we had gym together in 10th grade doesn’t mean I want to buy whatever miracle lipstick/miracle leggings/miracle mascara/miracle rubber chicken you’re trying to hawk.
Anyway, Allison is explaining how to sell this junk, and Leah legit just keeps randomly spouting inspiration quotes she got straight from her Ziggy calendar. At one point, Allison is talking about how to make money and Leah just randomly blurts out “THE POWER IS WITHIN YOU!”
Seriously, that may have been the best part of this season so far.
Once Allison is tired of being interrupted by Leah’s fortune-cookie-esque outbursts, she tells her, “I think you should talk now.”
The crowd hushes and Leah looks like she’s going to throw up. (Luckily, her Peach Pearl lipstick will stay put, even through vomiting and hyperventilation, y’all!)
Allison tells Leah that everyone wants to hear about her.
Leah begins her speech and it’s basically the “I Have A Dream” of the new millennium. She whips out her Lisa Frank notebook and starts talking about the power of being positive…and having sisters…or something.
She’s giggling nervously (but everyone in the crowd is sitting there stone-faced, staring at her and wondering if MTV at least sprang for pizza to get them to listen to this wreck.)
It’s actually hard to watch. It may be one of the most cringe-worthy moments in ‘Teen Mom 2’ history (right behind that time that Kieffer dumped Jenelle and she chased his car down the driveway screaming “WHHHHHY?!” all Nancy Kerrigan-style. Those were some good times.)
Leah’s just rambling, inserting random inspirational words and phrases in between “I guess” and “you knows.” The true hero of this scene is the woman in the crowd who is taking notes from Leah’s speech. Sure, her notebook is probably filled with scrawlings that say “Note: Never go to some weird basement presentation again, even if there is an MTV reality star filming there” but, hey, it’s something!)
“Once you know the powerful value of you, you will excel at everything and anything that you do,” Leah tells the crowd before randomly adding, “Sorry…”
One girl can’t keep it together. She lets out an audible laugh right in the middle of Leah’s speech. Behind Chuckles we can see Leah’s sister Victoria. She’s got her head down and is on her phone, most likely texting Mama Dawn’s Jitterbug phone with the “S.O.S. Pull ’round back and come git us now. Things are going south fast!” message.
Leah encourages her audience to be confident (about 15 times) even though she is anything but confident.
Mercifully, Leah ends her speech and the women are finally released from their basement lipstick prison. Leah tells her sister that she doesn’t think things went well. She decides that she will no longer try to combine the Wonderful World of Lipstick with her motivational speeches.
Personally, I loved it. I want Leah to do a speech every single episode. In fact, I want her to be in the delivery room while Briana’s shooting out her youngin, motivating her during labor. (What can I say? I used to love those “crossover” episodes of 1990s sitcoms. ‘Member that time Urkel showed up on Full House?!)
In Delaware, Kail has more important things to worry about than lipstick. She’s preparing to graduate college (!) and is taking her graduation photos…pregnant, of course. I mean, this still is ‘Teen Mom.’
She has the boys pose with her baby bump for a few photos. (Also, did anyone else think it was a little funny when the photographer told the boys to “Say Monkey” when they took the picture. I half expected Leah to come bounding out from behind the bushes– lipstick in hand– screaming “MONKEY! MOOOOONKEY!”)
Later, Kail and the boys go out to eat with Javi. She may be taking him to court for child support caaaash, but they can still split a pizza and a basket of chicken wings. Kail vows to get her life together “for this baby.” Javi is being really supportive, despite all of the problems she has with him. He is very proud of her for finishing college. Kail tells Javi that he shouldn’t be expecting a graduation invite in the mail, so he comes back with the perfect insult to piss Kail off.
“I pretty much got you here!” he tells her. “Putting the kids to bed so you could do homework, that was all me!”
Kail looks like she wants to knock Javi ‘upside the head with a pizza pan, but she keeps it together and laughs it off.
In North Carolina, it’s “rainin’ cats and dogs” outside but that isn’t spoiling Kaiser’s birthday party. Barbara has arrived (because we know she’s a “paaaahrty gaaahl!”) and so has Nathan to celebrate Karl…er Kaiser’s big day. Kaiser looks thrilled to finally be out of his damn crib. They could have seriously taken him to the dentist office for his birthday and he would have been stoked.
They bring out his birthday cake and everyone, (including BARB!) sings happy birthday to him. (I love how Babs sings the song: “Happy birfffday to you! Happy birffday to you! Happy birfffday to Kaisaaaaa! Happy birfffday tooo youuuuu!” Please, God, someone make The Ashley a tape of that!)
Kaiser looks like he wants to bolt from the building while the lights are off and the knuckleheads are thinking about cake. He ends up staying, though, and gets to play with some random things. Jenelle spends the day posing for pictures with Ensley, of course.
Barb takes the opportunity to suggest to Jenelle that– now that they’re gettin’ along better– they should all go play Family Picnic at a mountain cabin or something. Of course Jenelle, being the bitch of a daughta that she is, says that she has to get Lurch’s permission. She then tells Barb that the only reason they’re getting along better is because they don’t talk unless it’s about Jace.
“I’m being civil,” Jenelle tells her mom. “I still don’t like you. You still have my son and you won’t give him back. You can’t just sit here and f**k Jenelle over and expect her to just forgive you!”
“OK! Then we won’t go away togetha!” Barb says.
I, for one, am disappointed. I was so hoping they’d all go up the mountain– Jenelle, Barb, Lurch and the cornocopia of kids and things would end with David in a cop car screaming “Why am I a guy?,” Barb pulling smores pokers out of her rearend and Jenelle sitting in the bushes screaming “LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!”
Later Jenelle tells her friend that she plans to snatch custody of Jace away from Barb, and never allow her to see him again. Then, she tells her pal that she’s thrilled to not be inviting her mother to her and David’s upcoming wedding.
“That’s the price you pay for f**king someone over!” Jenelle declares.
Or, you know, taking care of someone’s kids for seven-plus years while that person is out smokin’ weed, getting in fights, doing time in every jail in North Carolina and, of course, focusing on various soulmates instead of their son.
We catch back up with Chelsea, who is in Florida with the family. Randy and Rita are joining in on the Tail-less Dolphin Festivities and Aubree is overwhelmed with excitement. They arrive at the aquarium and the tour guide shows them around. They see all kinds of animals and a pelican named Rufus (who is precious.)
Finally, Aubree gets to meet Winter the Dolphin. It’s an adorable moment and she’s thrilled. (Did anyone else feel a little bad for the other kids in their group though? Like, couldn’t they let the nephew come into the tank too? Poor kid was stuck looking longingly at Aubree from behind the bars.)
You know who is also in Florida? Briana. She’s not playing with animals, though. She’s actually preparing to birth her baby in three days. Nova is excited about her new sister’s arrival. Luckily for Nova, she doesn’t have to wait the whole three days.
Briana starts having contractions right there in the living room. She bends over a table and huffs and puffs. It’s probably reminiscent of the day that Stella was conceived, actually.
Brittany advises her sister to call up Big Lu and tell him to “start getting his s**t ready.” She calls him up and he agrees to meet them at the hospital. Before she rushes off to the hospital, though, she takes the time to fill her mom in on Luis asking her to be his girlfriend again.
There’s no time to think about that though–Briana’s got a baby to push out! Roxanne is rushing to the hospital as Briana is moaning in pain and trying to keep Stella from shooting out while they’re on the expressway. Luis arrives and they all go into the hospital. Just then, Briana’s water breaks. She’s leaking fluid all over the hospital driveway. (I’m sure the poor janitor will appreciate cleaning that up later that night.)
Brittany could care less that her sister is about to birth yet another child. She’s just upset that Briana spewed amniotic fluid all over her sweater. I kind of love Brittany.
Apparently, the MTV crew couldn’t get to the hospital in time, so Britt whips out her phone and saves the day by filming every one of Briana’s grunts and grimaces. Luis looks bored as hell in the background, and you can tell he’s trying to figure out if there’s any way he can split even before the baby’s born.
Briana’s in bed, cursing the day that she let Luis convince her not to visit “da clinic.”
“I can’t do this! No more kids!” Briana tells her mom.
Roxanne uses the experience as a teaching moment.
“Maybe next time you’ll be a little more careful!” she tells her laboring daughter.
Um…not if she wants to remain on ‘Teen Mom 2’ she won’t!
Briana’s pushing and grunting and soon the baby’s head is visible and Brittany delivers another epic line.
“The hair is out of your vagina already,” she tells Briana.
Soon Stella slips and slides her way out of Briana’s baby chute. Briana bursts into tears.
Everyone celebrates the baby’s birth and we learn that Briana has named her daughter…wait for it…Stella Star!
Until next week, kids!
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